...and then she suddenly changed, just like that...
It's not that I suddenly woke up one morning and thought, okay
I'm just not going to let myself get close to anyone anymore, that wasn't it at all.
It's more like I was standing around one afternoon lost in a sea of teenagers
and realized no one here knows me, not necessarily because they don't want
to but because I just won't let them, and for now I seem to like it that
way. I don't know why but the idea of only my boyfriend knowing the real me,
the good the bad the ugly me, seemed appealing because well he is my best friend
and I am his so why should I have to open myself up to strangers when
I just want to keep to myself? Sure I try to be friendly, I try to be nice
(though it seems harder and harder these days) but everyone lately just seems
so fake, and distant, and unwilling to listen, and too cool to listen, and
so wrapped up in their own lives to even think of turning around to look
at me much less take the time to listen to me. I've changed...a lot. I'm longer the girl
who needs to be in a group of at least 6 people to have a good time; I'm lucky if I
can withstand being with more than 2. I cringe at the idea of going to a party filled with dozens of
people, or going to a gig where there are a hundred people I don't know and
don't really want to know at the present moment. I'm turning into such a
serious, I guess even cynical person for reasons I do not even fully understand.
I thought it was only a winter thing but now it's almost summer and it doesn't really feel
like it because I'm alone and though I seem to hate it I also need it.
People have told me I should start hanging out with more people, I should make
some friends but I just don't want to possibly because of pure laziness
but more so because I simply don't feel the need. I know I may seem like I'm
contradicting myself, but it all makes perfect sense in my head...not that you should bea
able to decipher what goes on in my head. It's almost like I'm mad at the world
and I don't even know why I think that. There's so much rage in me and no
one seems willing to listen, well not the ones I want to listen. I can
talk and talk and talk for days and I don't think I will ever be able to put
into words what I am feeling right now; sharp pangs of happiness, sadness,
hopelessness and intense hope. I used to want to make the world a better
place, and I still do but now I realize so much more than I did when I was a kid (ha! I'm still a kid)
that I need to fix the turmoil within myself before I even attempt the
rest of the world. Those that have been listening and by my side, those that
I have pushed away you have all played a vital role in my life up
to this point and have helped shape me into the person I am today. Thank you.
Back to the S.P.O.R.E.S. #8