I want to cry because I've grown up even before I realized I had passed through puberty. Every idea that I had in my head five years ago changed completely 100 times over the past five years. I want to cry because I am so different than what I used to be and I like it and hate it at the same time. In a few months I will be in university working on becoming everything I always dreamed of being career-wise, while in a couple years I will be moving out of my same, secure home and becoming everything I want to be independently and on my own. I'm scared. This is probably the most scared I have ever been in my entire life, but probably the most happy at the same time.

I'm an adult with adult feelings, adult relationships, adult responsibilities that are extremely hard to believe are a reality after dreaming about them for so long. I have this wierd tingling feeling in my stomach because I am so excited about the new found independence that I never in a million years thought I would reach. I want to cry, from happiness and from saddness, from everything I have gained and lost during the past 18 years of my life.

Isn't it funny how we wish and wish that we were adults and when we funally get here we want to go back. We can never go back, only forward watching are lives change even more, watching old relationships fade and new ones begin. It's scary to think that the boyfriend I have now whom I love more than almost anything on this planet may not have the same relationship with me in five years. It's scary thinking that suddenly this completely new existence is thrown into your face and its so refreshing but it also kind of hurts because it's so different and new.

Two years ago I wanted to be a teacher, right now I want to be a biologist of some sort. Two years ago I thought I would never have a boyfriend that cared about me for more than five minutes, and today I have the nicest, sweetest boy on the planet by my side. Two years ago I thought I would never reach today, and suddenly I have to put so much effort into what I want for tomorrow. It's amazing how fast time flies by, even when you are not having fun.

When I was in grade 7 I had no friends. I thought that grade 7 would never end and I would have to live in social anguish clad in black the rest of my life, but looking back it seems like a lifetime ago I was a little grade 7 scared about my first day of junior high. I remeber the first day of high school I was in constant denial that I belonged in high school. I so desperately wanted to return to my familiar, safe junior high where I knew all the teachers and some of the students. I 100% did not want to be sitting in a classroom with 40 kids I didn't know. I made it through that first day though. I know that high school will never be the highlight of my life (well maybe some things that happened in high school will be), but the past three years were really great years that I know I will want to return to on my first day of University in the fall.

It's funny how we never think the future will one day be the past until it actually is. It's funny how right now I am probably the happiest I've been in a long time (save a few isolated incidents) because the sun is shining and everything is just going right. The future is scary, but it's also the possibility of something entirely new that will change your life forever.