10. You don't need to see my damn identification, 'cause these ain't the *#%&@*&' droids you're looking for.

9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause even if it did I wouldn't eat the filthy *#&%#@*.

8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every ^$%*!&$$@' stormtrooper in the room...accept no substitutes.

7. If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the #$%* we're gonna do. I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine.

6. Feel the Force, mother!@#%.

5. That ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on What?

4. You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!

3. Yeah Chewie got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do?

2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?

1. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, "Bad Mother *&$#@er"

~Editor's note: can't you just imagine some of these? Personaly, i want to see Obi-Wan go against Spock on something like Jepordy...no wait...Obi-Wan, Spock, and Data on Win Ben Stein's Money!!...now there's a crossover!~

1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.

4. Build on high ground.

5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

6. Two heads are better than one.

7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.

8. If you can't fight or flee -- float!

9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain-- shovel!!!

12. Stay below deck during the storm.

13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals. ~'Nuff said!~

14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

16. Don't miss the boat.

17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.

18. "Stop what'ca doing, and do what God says!

1.Try to use your dorm key to unlock your bedroom door.
2.Have your mom scan your ID card for meals.
3.Look for a tray to carry your dinner to the table with.
4.Walk two blocks to go to dinner.
5.Forget to dial the first three digits of your friend's phone number.
6.Dial 9 when calling out of your house.
7.Use your calling card when calling your friends.
8.Walk to the post office to get your mail.
9.Yell "FLUSH!"
10.Jump out of the shower just in case someone does flush.
11.Try to latch the bathroom door because you think you're in a stall.
12.Take all your shower items to and from your room.
13.Get dressed in the dark.
14.Go nuts looking for the quarter slots on the washing machine.
15.Make junk food runs at 11:30 at night.
16.Make popcorn just because you miss the smell.
17.Order pizza every Friday night.
18.Have one of your friends spend the night because you can't sleep in a room by yourself.
19.Move another bed, dresser, and desk into your room because there is too much extra space.
20.Hang pictures of your college friends on the wall so you don't miss them.
21.Hoard food under your bed for when it snows and you don't want to go out.
22.Walk around the neighborhood looking for a computer lab (e-mail withdrawal).
23.Fight your mother for quarters for the imaginary snack machine and pay phone in the house...

10. You're so tired, that you now answer the phone, "Hell."
9. Mom calls to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, bitch!"
8. When your parents inquire about your grades, you sing the Cookie Monster song: "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me..."
7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care..
6. You've got so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.
5. Just to take a break from studying, you actually exit your dormitory when the nightly fire alarm goes off.
4. You sleep more in class than at home.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your bookbag.
2. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

20. Sneak out with a thermos filled with the ice cream scoop water.
19. Congratulate her on her performance in American Gladiators.
18. After dinner, stick around and play a few games of Monopoly or Twister. When she comes after you (and she will!), yell "Right hand red, Maria!"
17. Eat a banana without peeling it first. When she comes after you (and she will!), point at Joe Blake and say "From him, all right! I learned it from watching HIM!"
16. Bring in one of your notebooks and steal grapefruits in it.
15. Move all the tables to the corners of the room, hang a mirrored ball above the salad bar, and disco to the music playing on the speakers. When she comes after you (and she will!), show her how to do the Funky Chicken.
14. Bring in scientific equipment and study the bacon. When she comes after you (and she will!), say that you are studying new life forms.
13. Everyone bring in chicken and Stove Top and give it to the lunch ladies.
12. Sit on her lap and tell her what you want for Christmas. Then ask her to sit down and do it again.
11. At lunch, ask for only one french fry. When you finish it, go back and ask for another one (on a new plate). Continue process until you cannot lift your tray.
10. Yell "NORM!" at the top of your lungs whenever you see her.
9. Dress up in polyester pants and vertical-striped shirts. She'll have an identity crisis.
8. Pull on her beard as she walks by.
7. Take one bowl of each type of cereal and put milk in all of them. After you finish the first bowl, throw the rest out. Complain that they serve soggy cereal.
6. Smuggle in a garbage bag and steal the entire contents of the salad bar. When she comes after you (and she will!), claim that you are an advocate for vegetable rights and ask to see the taco meat.
5. Carve "J.R. '54" in one of the bagels and put it back.
4. Ask her if she is circumcised. If she says she is female, ask to see ID.
3. Rearrange the letters in "WELCOME TO MARIAS CAFE" to say "WOO! MEALTIME SCARFACE".
2. Kill a horse. Dress up like a delivery boy (or girl), bring it into the kitchen and say "Delivery for Maria!"
1. Bring barstools and eat your dinner at the salad bar. When Maria comes after you (and she will!), yell "Another beer, Norm?".

11. Wanna swap meds?
10. Didn't I see you on the grassy knoll?
9. Can I buy you a spatula?
8. Bet you're wondering why I have no nostrils?
7. Your crawlspace or mine?
6. You look like the kind of person who appreciates catheters.
5. May I lick your forehead?
4. Do you always wear your shoes over your socks?
3. Smeep. Smeep. Smeep.
2. What's your favorite flavor of wood?
1. You've stolen my heart, but thats okay because I have three more back home in the freezer!

20. None of that annoying check-in procedure like with St. Peter.
19. Due to recent health code changes, vats of boiling brimstone now use low-fat canola oil.
18. Your "Do you smell something burning?" slays 'em, year after year.
17. Plenty of legal help available for filing "wrongful death" lawsuit.
16. Newly passed law: Three strikes and you're back in LA.
15. Satan's confused attempts to torture masochists can be highly entertaining.
14. No need to pack the parka over Bob Dole's election chances.
13. Well, sure, it's hot, but it's a *dry* heat.
12. Free prostate checks and PAP smears administered daily!
11. The surprisingly entertaining "Hitler and Kathie Lee Show".
10. Every Thursday is Karaoke Night, hosted by Dean Martin and Sammy Davis, Jr.
9. Prizes awarded for best crank phone calls to God.
8. Everywhere you look, there's a smoking section!
7. Big step up from Bakersfield.
6. Your little "blue flame" trick now produces spectacular results.
5. Now that you've followed her advice, you just might get that date with Cindy Crawford.
4. 52 smmmmmokin' channels of Jim Carrey!
3. Saturday night WWF tag-team bout between Genghis Khan, Vlad the Impaler, and Hitler.
2. Fortune to be made on "Welcome, O.J." t-shirts.
1. Free Microsoft software for everyone (as per agreement made back in early 80's).

25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS -- by O. J. Simpson
24. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION
23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE -- by Ellen DeGeneres
22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY -- by Dennis Rodman
19. THE WILD YEARS -- by Al Gore
18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
12. EASY UNIX
11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE
10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER -- by Art Garfunkel
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES -- by the EPA
3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

And the Number one World's Shortest book:
1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES by Bill Clinton

10. All important devices now operated by the Clapper.
9. Shuttle's thermostat set at 80 degrees.
8. Shuffle board installed in cargo bay.
7. "Early Bird" specials from Carrows included on menu.
6. One monitor specifically designated for Matlock.
5. Little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the ship.
4. Top speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour.
3. Installed a new bifocal windshield.
2. Space pants now go up to armpits.
1. Left-blinker left on for entire mission.

1. You haven't asked yet.
2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3. What? And spoil my great sex life?
4. Nobody would believe me in white.
5. Because I just love hearing this question.
6. Just lucky, I guess.
7. It gives my mother something to live for.
8. My fiance is awaiting parole.
9. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss America.
10. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
11. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
12. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
13. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
14. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
15. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
16. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
17. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
18. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
19. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
20. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
21. We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it.
22. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
23. Why aren't you thin?
24. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
25. (Bonus reply ... for single moms) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.

1. You try to enter password to your microwave.
2. Your recently dumped ex's idea of "revenge" is stalking you via instant messages in a chat room.
3. A real deck of cards no long exists, solitaire, spades, and hearts are all played on the computer.
4. You know your e-mail address, but you can't remember your home address.
5. You now think of three espresso's as getting "wasted".
6. Both you and your spouse are talk on cellular phones while driving your SUV.
7. You instinctively buy and read every book Oprah mentions.
8. You don't let your kids play outside unless they have a bullet proof vest on.
9. Your boyfriend/girlfriend thinks that it's okay to break up with you through email.

~Editor's note: that's only if you like him...otherwise this is a list of vengful things to say to a man!~

1) I've smoked joints fatter than that.
2) Ahh, it's cute.
3) I'm sorry.
4) Who circumcised you?
5) Why don't we just cuddle?
6) You know they have surgery to fix that.
7) You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
8) Can I paint a smiley face on that?
9) Wow, and your feet are so big.
10) My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
11) It's OK, we'll work around it.
12) Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
13) Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
14) Oh no, a flash headache!
15) My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
16) Let me go get my tweezers.
17) How sweet, you brought incense!
18) This explains your car.
19) Are you one of those pygmies?
20) All right! A treasure hunt!
21) Why is God punishing you?
22) But it still works, right?
23) Do you take steroids?
24) Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
25) Let me know when you're done.
26) Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
27) Aww, it's hiding.
28) Are you cold?
29) If you get me real drunk first.
30) Is that an optical illusion?
31) Were you neutered?
32) It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
33) Does it come with an air pump?
34) So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
35) Do I hang my hat on it?
36) Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!

These are NOT made up. These are the actual titles of Country Songs...

1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
4. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
5. I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
6. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
7. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2
8. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
9. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run, so I Figure We Got An Even Deal
10. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
11. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
12. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
13. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
14. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
16. I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back While I Cry Over You
17. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
18. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
19. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
20. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
21. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
22. Please Bypass this Heart
23. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
24. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly