5. Victoria's Secret lingerie.
4. Burger King - featuring the song "It's My Party, and I'll Cry if I Want To."
3. Oral-B Deluxe.
2. A promo for the TV movie "Cleopatra," with the following voice-over: "When she was only 20, she seduced the most powerful leader in the world."
1. Maytag's Neptune washing machine - "It actually has the power to remove stains!"
1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
2. Remember that you are known by the idiot you accompany.
3. Don't imagine you can change a man-unless he's in diapers.
4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You lock the door behind him.
5. So many men-so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
6. If they can put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all there.
7. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.
8. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.
9. You might as well go for younger men. They never mature, anyway.
10. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
11. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself type.
12. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest that they're too old for it.
13. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
14. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
15. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh, all right, I'll stay the night."
16. If he asks you if you're faking it, tell him no, you're just practicing.
17. When he asks you if he's your first, tell him, "You may be. You look kind of familiar."
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of that year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:
1. The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.
2. They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and did not know he had ever been shot.
3. They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
4. Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
5. There has been only one Pope. They can only really remember one president.
6. They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
7. They have never feared a nuclear war. "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie.
8. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up, and Tiananmen Square means nothing to them.
9. Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
10. They never had a Polio shot, and likely do not know what it is.
11. Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always been plastic. They have no idea what a pull-top can looks like.
12. Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.
13. The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
14. They have never owned a record player.
15. They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
16. Star Wars look very fake to them, and the special effects are pathetic.
17. There have always been red M&Ms, and blue ones are not new. What do you mean there used to be beige ones?
18. They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably never have actually seen or heard one.
19. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
20. As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
21. They have always had an answering machine.
22. Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black-and-white TV.
23. They have always had cable.
24. There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA is.
25. They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
26. They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
27. Roller-skating has always meant inline for them.
28. The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.
29. They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
30. Popcorn has always been cooked in a microwave.
31. They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a football player.
32. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
33. The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII, or even the Civil War.
34. They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
35. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
36. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
37. They never heard the terms: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "de plane, de plane!"
38. They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is.
39. The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.
40. Michael Jackson has always been white.
41. Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
42. McDonald's never came in styrofoam containers.
43. There has always been MTV.
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
10. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
9. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
8. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time.
7. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean,
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected.)
If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Duct tape won't fix that.
Wrasslin's fake.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
"I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my hair is too big?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.
Who's Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
Actually, unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
Checkmate.
She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
Elvis who?
The waterproof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Mechanical pencil sharpeners
Powdered water
Waterproof tea bags
The helicopter ejector seat
1) (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won
2) So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
3) I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
4) God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
5) If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going
6) At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...I Just Can't
Remember It All
7) My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
8) I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
9) (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
10) If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?
11) Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount
12) Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
13) No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman")
14) (on the back of a passing motorcyclist)
If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
16) (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up
Your Governor
17) Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
18) What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About
19) I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
20) (on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party (on the back) With a $25,000
Cover Charge
21) Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things Are Just Better Rich
22) Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money
23) Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
24) IRS-Be Audit You Can Be
25) Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
26) If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
27) Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
28) The Old Pro...Often Wrong...Never In Doubt
29) If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You
30) Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
31) In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You Take.
32) First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.
5. If you don't mind, I'm going to leave now to beat the traffic.
4. Who's winning?
3. Enough strategy. Let me tell you about my Amway products.
2. They may have the talent, size and athleticism, but we've got the headbands!
1. It's not over until ... who am I kidding? It's over!
- Every time you're passed over for a promotion, you stick your head in an Easy Bake Oven and threaten to "end it all."
- You got caught adding a garage to your house using embezzled Lego bricks.
- Numerous parental complaints about your "Tickle Me Carl The Stockboy" display.
- You went overboard with your GI Joe Militia display by adding the Tonka truck full of fertilizer.
- Cross-dressing the Ken and Barbie dolls and telling kids they're the new "Jerry Springer" edition.
- The "My Little Taxidermy Kit" (with starter squirrel) is not selling.
- Jaws of life needed to pull your knees out of your chest after you jackknifed a Big Wheel.
- Caught hocking phlegm into tykes' hands and telling them it was "homemade Gack."
- Your sales display, "Barbie's Struggle for Survival in Post Nuclear Holocaust Malibu" was not exactly an overwhelming success.
- Regardless of the question, you answer, "Go away kid -- I R on break."
1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments.
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand).
6. Light Match.
7. Light Match.
8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."
13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
14. Relabel can to read "gasoline."
15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.
10. Drink molasses 'til you heave.
09. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy.
08. Churn butter naked.
07. Blow past Dairy Queen on a really outrageous Clydesdale.
06. Get a tattoo: "Born To Raise Barns"
05. Cruise the streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers.
04. Sleep in 'til 6:00 a.m.
03. Drive over to Allentown and kick some Mennonite butt.
02. Two words: Buttermilk kegger
And the number one Amish Spring Break Activity
01. Wet bonnet contest.
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