2. My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I stopped to look....

3. Your computer is dead.
It once was a first-rate.
Don't you regret buying......

4. Your dog is dead.
So sorry to hear
He was chasing cars...

5. Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
Well don't worry about her....

Actual quotes from Federal employee performance evaluations:

Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

I would not allow this employee to breed.

This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Actual lines out of the military OER (Officer Efficiency Report - Perf. report)

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

A room temperature IQ.

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

Bright as Alaska in December.

One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

Fell out of the family tree.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

He's so dense, light bends around him.

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

One neuron short of a synapse.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Ian works in a coffee, bagels, and sandwiches trailer on the campus of UNH. (The University of New Hampshire, for those not from the East Coast of the U.S.)

Vinnie is his boss and the owner of the truck, and yes, according to Ian, this actually happened.

Ian is telling the story.

Her: Yes, I'd like a milk with some coffee in it.
Me: So, that's just a splash of coffee in a milk?
Her: No, a regular amount of milk, but not coffee.
Me: Is there more milk or coffee?
Her: Oh, definitely more coffee.
Me: So that's a coffee with some extra milk.
Her: Just the usual amount of milk.
Me: A coffee with milk.
Her: Yes.

Me: Anything else?
Her: A little extra milk and do you have coffee with no caffeine?
Me: We do have decaf.
Her: No, I don't want decaf, just some coffee without the caffeine.
Me: Ma'am, that's what decaf means, no caffeine.
Her: Oh, then do you have milk with no caffeine?
Me: Milk doesn't come with caffeine.
Her: Yes it does.
Me: Not that I know of, where do you get your milk?
Her: It doesn't say caffeine free on the milk so it must have caffeine.
Me: Oh, you're right, my mistake, I forgot that we only get the decaf milk. No problem, we have only decaf milk. Anything else?

Her: Do you have any bagels?
Vinnie (who has been listening all along): I'm sorry, ma'am, we're all out of decaf bagels.
Her: Well, what are those? (pointing at sesame bagels)
Vinnie: Those are sesame donuts with extra caffeine added.
Her: I guess I'll just have the coffee.

Her: Do you take credit cards?
Me: No ma'am, cash only.
Her: What about visa?
He: Is that a credit card?
Her: Well, yes.
Vinnie: Is it cash?
Her: No.
Vinnie: Then no, we can't take it.
Her: What about checks?
Me: Cash ma'am, nothing else.
Her: O.K.

Her: How much is that?
Vinnie: Eleven dollars and 45 cents.
Her: Really?
Vinnie: New war in Alaska is ruining the coffee business, plus you wanted the coffee with no caffeine, that's hard to find now, had to grow it myself. Her: O.K. (proceeds to write a check)

Vinnie: Please leave.
Her: Why?
Vinnie: You're raising my blood pressure, leave now.
Her: But what about my coffee?
Vinnie: Leave and never return.

She leaves, but pays the $11.45 first. Seriously.

~ A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things:

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!

What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

Cats do what they want, when they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
They whine when they're not happy.
When you want to play, they want to be left alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave their hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts.

Conclusion: Cats are tiny women in cheap fur coats.

Lets say that your great-great uncle Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words: Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton Detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889.

Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlargement and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot.

Next, we rewrite the text:

Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and imitate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renown Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Uncle Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collasped.

Now we give Uncle Remus a distinguished place inside the family tree, not hanging from it.

Always give 100% at work.......

12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays

When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off.

It is time to elect a world leader, and your vote counts. Here's the scoop on the three leading candidates.

Candidate A: associates with ward heelers and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B: was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of brandy every evening.

Candidate C: is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any illicit affairs.

Which of these candidates is your choice??

Scroll down

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

kinda creepy.....

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1997 & found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment & included this letter:

Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my 1997 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).

This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year. I just saw an article about the Pentagon and "screwdrivers."

Sincerely,
~name witheld to protect the guilty~

The last few weeks have seen many mergers, and anticipating them could mean excellent market gains. Here are some likely mergers to expect in the future:

Xerox and Wurlitzer:
They're going to make reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers:
New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler:
New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker

W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics, and Hale Business Systems:
Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

3M & Goodyear:
mmmGood

John Deere & Abitibi-Price:
Deere Abi

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil:
Honey, I'm Home

Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining:
Mine, All Mine

3M, J.C. Penney, Metropolitan Opera Company:
3 Penney Opera

Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants:
Poupon Pants

Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women:
Knott NOW!

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining:
Zip Audi Do-Da

Netscape & Yahoo:
Net 'n' Yahoo

Mr. Starr

I am Starr, Starr I are.
I'm brilliant barristar.
I'm here to ask, as you'll soon see.
Did you grope Miss Lewinsky?
Did you grope her in your house?
Did you grope beneath her blouse?
Did she give you gifts and ties?
Were you spied by prying eyes?

Mr. Clinton:

I did not do that here or there.
I did not do that anywhere!
I did not do that in a chair!
I went not near her giant hair!
I did not join ever for fun,
the Mile High Club in Air Force One.
So stow your feathers and your tar.
I did not do her Starr you are.

Mr. Starr:

Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek beneath her skirt?
And did you tell the girl to lie,
When called upon to testify?

Mr. Clinton:

That is it, you've gone too far!
I do not like you Starr you are!
I will not answer any more!
In fact, I think I'll start a war!
The public's easy to distract,
When bombs are falling on Iraq.

My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me ABOUT SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"

My mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
"You are going to get it when we get home."

And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE...
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU...then you'll see what it's like."

Subject: POLISH AIR DISASTER
Date: Wednesday, February 24, 1999 9:10 AM

Poland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland.

Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 326 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

Psychological Christmas Songs

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell....(better start again!)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

Here is an explanation of the new school homework policy:

Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner:

15 minutes looking for assignment
11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment
23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children
8 minutes in the bathroom
10 minutes getting a snack
7 minutes checking the TV Guide
6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment
10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment

LONG TERM ASSIGNMENTS

These are given the night before they are due. This explains the name "long term." It is a long term commitment to time that begins at 9:30 PM and ends at 11:50 PM -- or later. It is important that the whole family is involved in the project. It is imperative that at least one family member races to Wal*Mart/K-Mart for poster board, and that at least one family member ends up in tears (it does not have to be the student).

One parent needs to stay up and complete the project. The other parent needs to call the school and leave a message that the student is out sick. It is not necessary to have the student's name on the assignment.