McDonald's Fast Food Job Application:
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
Zodiac Braking signs:
•Aries: I don't brake for anyone, so get out of my way!
•Taurus: I'd rather be braking.
•Gemini: I brake to change the radio station while talking on my cell phone.
•Cancer: I brake for yard sales and open houses.
•Leo: Hey! Give me a brake!
•Virgo: I brake to check and see if my brakes are working.
•Libra: I brake for others, if that's all right with you.
•Scorpio: I'll brake when I'm damn good and ready, so leave me the hell alone!
•Sagittarius: On the road of life, one brakes for many things but stops for none.....
•Capricorn: Born Braking.
•Aquarius: I brake rules.
•Pisces: I brake for worms and caterpillars.
A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.
Better to be safe than..............Punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the .........................Bug is close.
It's always darkest before......Daylight Savings Time.
Never underestimate the power of........Termites.
You can lead a horse to water but........how?
Don't bite the hand that.............. looks dirty.
No news is................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a..............Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new......math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll........stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.............................me.
The pen is mightier than the........pigs.
An idle mind is..................The best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.......pollution.
Happy the bride who...............gets all the presents.
A penny saved is....................... not much.
Two's company, three's..............the Musketeer.
Don't put off till tomorrow what....you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as.................Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not.....spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed.........get new batteries.
You get out of something what you....see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind.....get out of the way.
If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look like this:
When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, the need for both acceptance and understanding becomes glaringly apparent.
Alcohol Warnings
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
1) WARNING: consumption of alcohol... may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
2) WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole, or by your self.
3) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD.
4) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to shay shings like thish. If you knew that shay shings like thish means say things like this, you're probably intoxicated now!
5) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
6) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your panties or underpants.
7) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember). It gets worse...what about that inexplicable taste in your mouth that smells even worse.
8) WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead which will complement the other previous bumps, scrapes and contusions.
9) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are a bad ass who is tougher, and able to kick the butt of some really, really big guy named BUBBA.
10) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
11) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
12) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
13) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
14) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you can beat that approaching train.
15) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead to the release of bodily fluids prior to unzipping of trousers.
16) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead to the worshiping of a porcelain god.
Philosophy of Love...
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But...
If it just sits in your living room, watches your TV, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!
If any of you guys out there have ever thought you have balls,forget about it. This is a true story that just happened at a wedding at Clemson. This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests (for you rich folk, this is huge by middle class standards).
After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for coming. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a gift from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and told them to open it. Inside the manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He must have gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them.)
After he stood there and watched people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said F*** You, he turned to the bride and said F*** You, and then said I'm out of here. He got the marriage annulled the next day. While most of us would have broken it off immediately after we found out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway. His revenge: making the bride's parents pay for a 300 guest wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of friends, family, grandparents, etc.
This is his world, we just live in it.
Found in restrooms around the US:
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here. Your asshole is in Washington.
Beauty is only a light switch away.
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice.
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
God is dead. -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. -God
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
Express Lane: Five beers or less
You're too good for him.
No wonder you always go home alone.
What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:
- religion
- royalty
- sex
- mystery
The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
True story from Humboldt County, California:
A woman got pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, "I bet you're going to sell me tickets to the Highway Patrol Ball."
He replied, "No, Ma'am, highway patrolmen don't have balls." There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he had said. Without saying another word, he closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
Here's A Puzzle for You:
Schwartzenegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn't have one,
The POPE has one but doesn't use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one,
George Burns' was hot,
Liberace NEVER used his on women,
Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his,
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
What is it?
a last name....... Were you thinking of something else ya pervs??
From the mouths of babes:
Home is where the house is. --Age 6
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. --Age 5
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with. --Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15
My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7
When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?
USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest: 'BYE
Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
**Cat Diary**
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid?! My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally, so a pharmacologist developed an anal suppository.
The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame. Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.
FIVE people have jobs worse than yours.
Now stop complaining and get back to work!
~Miscellanious Jokes Page 1~~Miscellanious Jokes Page 2~~Miscellanious Jokes Page 4~