A man wakes up at a friend's house after a night of kegger-hopping on fraternity row, but his wallet is missing. All he can remember about the previous night was that he went to the bathroom in a huge golden toilet. He thinks maybe his wallet fell out when he dropped trou to use it.

So, he tries Alpha Gamma Delta. No golden toilet. Then he tries Sigma Gamma. Still no golden toilet. Gradually he works his way down frat row until the last house, Phi Upsilon Kappa... home of the football lettermen.

"Ah, 'scuse me, but I was here, I think, at a kegger last night and I think I left my wallet. Do you by chance have a golden toilet?"

The frat boy thinks a second, then calls back into the common room, "Hey, Killer, I think we found the guy who took a dump in your tuba!"

A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in Charge).

The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor.

The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors.

The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in shit drinking coffee.

The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says:

Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water.

On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water.

As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. "POOF" out popped a tired old genie who said,

The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!"

"Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer.

"Great move Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. "NOW we're gonna have to pee in the BOAT!"

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.

"That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without honey for a week."

A little while later, the boy saw a butterfly. He ran over and stomped it. "That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."

The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast (no honey or butter). Suddenly, a cockroach ran from under the stove and his mother stomped it.

The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her or should I?"

A woman in her 30's was taking her mother, who was in her 50's to the gynocologist. After dropping her mother off, she and her daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor. While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, "Don't we look pretty today", as he performed his examination. The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing. When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The following conversation ensued:

~Here's one of my favorite jokes:

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made the "tickle me elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told here to report for work on Monday and then explained she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.

Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her.

Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls. When the boss could control his laughter he said, "Lady, I said to give each doll Two----Test----Tickles."

One day Superman is flying around when he happens to look down and see Wonder Woman laying on the ground, neked as a jaybird. So he decides to fly down and do her really quick, you know, faster than the speeding bullet.

Wonder Woman looks up and says: "What was that?"

The Invisible Man says: "I don't know, but it hurt like hell!"

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...

There was this farmer that bought himself some pigs. He figured that he wouldn't have to worry about bacon, sausage, ham, etc.. if he just bred the pigs.

Well after a while he noticed that his pigs were not getting fat due to being pregnant. So he calls the vet. The farmer asked the vet, how can you tell when pigs are pregnant?

The vet said that the pigs will lay and play in the mud. The farmer said OK and hung up the phone.

Well after a couple more weeks go by, there still is no signs of his pigs being pregnant. So he calls the vet again.

The vet said that he may have to artifically inseminate.

The farmer hung up the phone and thought about it for a while. Well he >wasn't sure what the vet meant. So he didn't want anybody to think he was stupid or any thing, so he loaded up all the pigs and went into the sticks. He screwed all the pigs and then took them back home.

The following day came and he noticed the pigs are still standing around. So he loaded the pigs up again and took them back into the sticks. This time he screwed the pigs twice for good measure.

The next day rolled around and still not a darn thing. So he loaded up the pigs again. Took them to the sticks again and spent all day with them.

The next day he was to tired to even get out of bed. So he yelled at his wife and asked her, "Where are the pigs? Are any of them lyin' in the mud?"

The wife said, "No, no pigs in the mud. They are all in the truck --- and one is honking the horn!

Late one night, an alien spacecraft landed near a deserted gas station.

After a bit, one of the aliens came down the ramp, looked around, and walked over to one of the gas pumps, where he demanded "Earthling! Take me to your leader!" The gas pump, of course, did not reply. The alien became agitated and again demanded "Take me to your leader!" The gas pump remained silent.

Frustrated, the alien went back to the spacecraft where he was confronted by the captain:

The captain left the ship and approached the gas pump.

The gas pump remained unresponsive.

WHAM! The gas pump exploded, knocking the alien ass over tea kettle.

The captain jumped up and got back to the ship as fast as his whatevers would propel him.

A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket-If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabby said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow-job on the way?" "What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said "OK" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.

A CEO-type was in the hospital, being treated for a minor deal. For a week he'd made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating all the staff, shouting orders and demanding attention, complaining about the food, the bed, the temperature, the weather. Typical bigshot. One morning a nurse's helper entered the room, saying, ''Time to take your temperature, sir.'' After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally opened his mouth for the thermometer. ''Sorry, sir,'' said the nurse, ''but for this test we need your temperature from the other end.'' After bitching about the embarrassment and inconvenience, the guy finally rolled over and bared his butt. After the nurse finished, she said, ''Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you.'' The nurse left, leaving the door ajar. The guy's back is to the door, and for over an hour, he hears people wandering up and down the hall, laughing. At length the guy's doctor entered the room, saw the guy with his bare ass in the air and gawked. Finally, he asks, ''What's going on here?'' The guy barks, ''Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?'' ''Not with a petunia.''

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices his oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and notices oil dripping from the motor. He drives to the next town and stops at the first gas service station.
After dropping off the car, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop and being a penguin in Arizona, decides something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the station to check on his car. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal". "No, no," replies the penguin. "It's just ice cream."

An old man from a far off land was once on the subway in New York and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"
The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered "I wear this collar because I am a Father".
The old man thought a second and responded "Sir I am also a Father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"
The priest thought for a minute and said "Sir, I am the father for many".
The old man quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?"
The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out "Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people. "The old man from the far-away country was taken aback and was silent for a long time.
As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."