A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his dick in a vice. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to...to...cut it off, are you?!?" The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

~Another story from the Idiot Files~

A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don't stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product.

The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety.

The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, '"Push up bottom to use.'"

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey motioned "Screwing."
"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.

~True story everyone!! I swear it!!!~

It seems when Apollo Mission Astronaut, Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut, however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor American space programs.

Over the years many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. A few months ago, (Jul 05, Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded.

It seems that Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorksy. As he leaned down to pick it up, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex, oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

An 85 year old man marries a lovley 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites.

She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.

Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.

Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one."

The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, "Was I already here?"

A man and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone.

"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"

"I was in bed."

"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"

"Getting a second opinion."

SON: "Dad, I have to do a special report at school. Can I ask you a question?"

DAD: "Sure son, what's the question?"

SON: "What is POLITICS?"

DAD: "Well, lets take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me MANAGEMENT. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her GOVERNMENT. We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you the PEOPLE. We'll call the maid the WORKING CLASS and your baby brother the FUTURE. Do you understand?"

SON: "I'm not really sure Dad, I'll have to think about it.

That night the boy was awakened by his baby brother's crying so the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby seriously soiled his diaper, the son went to his parent's room and found mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room, where peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

SON: "Dad, now I think I understand POLITICS.

DAD: "That's great son, explain it to me in your own words."

SON: "Well Dad, while MANAGEMENT is screwing the WORKING CLASS, the GOVERNMENT is fast asleep. The PEOPLE are being completely ignored, and the FUTURE is full of shit.

A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his penis and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp.

And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if the Husband and wife don't object. Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife.

Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigor. The husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?" To which the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the bastard!"

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly I canny button me pants. "

"Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it"

About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye" says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did, everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread...Mr. MacDonald walked in...

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself: "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?" The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

A rather chubby fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a "guaranteed" weight loss program. "Guaranteed like heck" he thinks to himself. "But let's see what they think they can do."

He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 pound weight loss program. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, here stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike's and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Well without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't). A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through, he thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure enough he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat slender physique, not to mention the method of "treatment", he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 pound weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their "workout" schedule might be like this time.

As expected,the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reebok's and a sign around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does it is worth every cramp and wheeze. He is really looking forward to the next four days....For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievable, he has lost another 20 pounds. "I love this company," he thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun!"

Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. I haven't felt this good in years!" The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look," says the 2nd nun..."a soap dispenser."

To test her theory she also pulls his dick...and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap.

The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times.

Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells..."Look, hand cream!"