Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from the military base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent. He saw a nun seated on a round bench beneath a tree, quietly reading a book. He said to her, "Quick sister, please hide me I don't want to be drafted and the M.P.'s are chasing me!"

She lifted up her skirt and said, "Quick hide under here." The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied, "No."

After they left she told the young boy to come out and that everything was going to be OK. He thanked her and said, "You have a nice set of legs for a nun!"

She replied, "If you reach up a little farther you'll find a nice set of balls too. I'm not going to be drafted either!"

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog, because old people sometimes eat dog food.

She went home and brought in her dog. She then got the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like shit."

The little old lady said, "It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?"

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top,she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.

He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry lady demanded '' What took you so long?'' and he replied ''Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.''

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car,was how gorgeous the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am.... Could I see your driver's license...?"

"...License...???" replied the blonde, instantly revealing that she wasn't very bright.

"It's usually in your wallet..." replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration..." asked the cop.

"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute," said the cop and walked back to his car.

The officer radioed the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back. "Ummm.... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes," replied the officer. "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher. "Uh... yes" replied the cop. "Here's what you do...." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff, stand back,and drop your pants..." "WHAT!!? I can't do that. That's crazy!" exclaimed the cop. "Trust me..... just do it...." said the dispatcher.

So the cop returned to the blonde, gave back the license and registration,and dropped his pants as the dispatcher said. The blonde looked down and sighed, "Ohh no... not ANOTHER breathalyzer test....

A missionary goes over to the jungle to bring Christianity to the heathens. One day, he was taking the big chief on a walking English lesson. He points to a bush and says "This is bush." The chief replies "bbuurush, buush." "Very good," says the missionary. As this continues, they come up to some tall grass, see some wild movement, and cautiously approach. Startled,they see two natives making wild, passionate love. The missionary takes a big gulp and the chief says "WHAD DAT? The missionary, fumbling for words, spits out "Riding bycycle" Suddenly, the big chief lunges at the other man, grabs him by the throat and beats the living crap outta him. The missionary, managing to break it up asks, "Why did you do that??" The chief, looking puzzeled, replied, "RIDING MY BYCYCLE!!!!"

One day, a guy was on his way home from work when the most remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as he sat there at a red light, wasn't strange enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper.

Just then the light turned green and there the guy was with a bird stuck on his windshield. Without any other apparent options, he turned on the windshield wipers to try to get rid of the bird. It actually worked.

On the upswing, the bird flew off, and it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind him. Unfortunately, the car behind him was a police car.

Immediately the lights went on and he was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told him that he saw what had happened at the light. Trying to plead his case fell on deaf ears.

The officer simply stated, "I am going to have to write you up for flipping me the bird."

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back...

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light,and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks.

"That's cool," says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and immediately revised his plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

An old man had a dog he just loved but the dog had the bad habit of attacking anything that moved including people. His friends told him that if he had the dog fixed he would lose his aggressions and quit this behavior.

So the old man had his dog fixed and a few days later was in his front room when the mailman came up the steps. The dog jumped up and went right thru the screen door and attacked the mailman. The old man ran out and pulled his dog off and began apologizing to the mailman.

He said, "I am so sorry, I don't know what to do or say. My friends told me he would quit attacking people if I had him fixed. I just don't know what to do."

The mailman picked himself up and said, "You should have had his teeth pulled, I knew when he came out the door he wasn't going to screw me."

Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl setting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this." Pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful! I was walking down town last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working, I haven't had a cold all winter!"

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is '1,2,3,4' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says, "123", and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '123' for?"

A man was driving down a deserted highway, and noticed a sign that read:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. Beside the parking lot is a somber stone building with a sign in the door that reads;

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers. He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door," and leaves.

The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun tells him "Please place $50.00 in the cup, and then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He places the money in the nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.

This 45 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?" She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45 year-old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.

"No," croaks the feeble old man....But it's startin' to twitch."

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. At the appointed time, he picks her up on this Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word.

Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas." He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".

He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?" "I'm going too!!" he replied. "Why?" She asked. "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!