A grandfather went to visit his college-age grandson at the dorm. Grandpa was astonished to find that his son was living a life of sin and corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway.

"In my day," grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to pass our classes."

"But grandpa," replied the grandson, "that IS a whore's shoe."

One day The Lord spoke to Adam. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said. Adam looked at The Lord and replied, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."

Mark decided to propose to Suzie but prior to her acceptance Suzie felt she had to confess to him about her childhood illness. She informed Mark that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity level of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo much. Mark felt this was also the time for him to open up. Mark looked Suzie in the eyes and said, "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant. I hope you will be able to deal with that once we are married." She said "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis." Suzie and Mark got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Mark whisked Suzie off to their hotel suite and they started holding one another, touching, etc....etc...... When Suzie put her hands in Mark's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room. Mark ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"

Mark said "Yes, it is... 7 lbs., 8 oz.

A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding, she tells each one to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE". Mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mother is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, the Mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says:"FULL SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother is happy.

Then it was the third one's wedding. Motherwas anxious. After four weeks came the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS". And mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted. The ad read: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

There were three young student priests about to take their final vows. The last test that they had to pass was the CELIBACY test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis. A belly dancer entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest . . .

"Ting-a-ling"

The Bishop said "Patrick, Patrick, I'm disappointed, you've failed. Go and have a shower." The belly dancer danced and stripped as far as her last thin veil for the second student priest when the Bishop heard . .

"Ting-a-ling"

"Joseph, I'm very disappointed. So disappointed. You can't resist the temptation of a woman. Go on to the showers," the Bishop said. The belly dancer began dancing totally naked now around the last priest. She did everything erotic she could think of . .

BUT NO BELL RANG!

"John, I'm absolutely delighted. You've passed! You have and can resist the temptation of women. Now, go relax and take a shower with Patrick and Joseph" . . .

"Ting-a-ling"

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7 a.m. on Sunday. But one of them got transferred, and they were talking about trying to fill out the foursome. A woman standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf, can I join the group?" They were hesitant but said she could come once to try it. She said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or a quarter to seven." She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a 7-under-par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The guys happily invited her back the next week and she said "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or a quarter to seven."

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week. By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the group for keeps. They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How do you know if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his member is pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I golf left-handed." One guy asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?"

She said, "Then I'll be here at a quarter to seven."

I am a 61 year old male, I had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was the size of a small auditorium, and it was filled with patients.

I approached the desk and gave the receptionist -- a large, imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. In a very loud voice she repeated my name, then said, "Yes, I see your name here-----you want to see the doctor about IMPOTENCE, right?

I was stunned, but recovered my composure sufficiently to reply in an equally loud voice, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation---and I'd like the same doctor who did yours!!"

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door, she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" The shocked mother exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."