Brendan's Perfectly Adequate Page - It's Better Than Sex*

• Well to tell the truth it may not be better than the best sex you ever had, it may not even be better than the worst sex you ever had - but it is definitely better than being sodomised in the prison showers by Mister Big who's in tight with the warders. Well for most of us its better than that, and as for the weirdos; glad to have you aboard, now read on.

Shopping Ventures | Steroid Abuse | Australia for Americans | Back to Table of contents

Shopping Ventures. There is a store here in Melbourne call NQR - Not Quite Right. It sells end of line or close to use-by date goods. I thought this was a great idea and decided to open my own chain in competition, but I took the concept one step further; the shops were called CBS - Completely Bloody Stuffed. All the cheese smelled like limburger, the day old bread was ten days old, the ice-cream was liquid an the milk was solid. It didn't seem to be working so I started going to NQR and trying their stuff to find out what the secret was. The first thing I bought was a pack of condoms but they didn't work - twice. Lets face it, is there such a thing as a condom that is not quite right? I took the kid's back to the store but they refused to give me my money back.

Steroid Abuse There has been some controversy in the lead up to the Olympics and several athletes have been expelled. It is fairly accepted that many Olympic level athletes use illegal methods to enhance their training, these may be steroids or they may for instance be naturally occurring human growth hormone which is impossible to test for, since it is present in the body any way. The answer is obvious, there should be an Olympic standard steroid specified by the IOC. Then there would be no question of who is on steroids and who isn't. It also means we can change the rules of some events to make them more honest. For instance the weight lifting could be replaced by an event where competitors see who can inject the greatest amount of horse steroid without exploding. This is much the same as the weight lifting is now but without any hypocrisy Back to Top Of Page

Info About Australia for Americans Many Americans are surprisingly ignorant about Australia, but with the next Olympics based in Sydney, there will a huge influx of tourists. The information which follows is meant to provide you with the background necessary to appreciate our country before arrival. There are kangaroos in the main street of Sydney so make sure you have plenty of raw steak in your pocket. Kangaroos are meat eaters and will take your leg off as soon as look at you, unless you have a tasty treat to offer them. Australia is a big empty country. This is true, Australia is as large as continental United States, but with a population of 1172, the average house is around 170 squares and and land costs 73 cents an acre even in the central business districts. Most people live over one hundred miles away from thrir nearest neighbor in the cities this distance can be as small as twenty miles.

All Australians are suntanned, sex crazed, Gods and Goddesses. In fact Mel Gibson and Nicole Kidman have made their fortunes in the US because they were too ugly to get a job in Australia. It is also true that Australian's are sports mad, in fact at the Atlanta Olympics every Australia over 6 months old won a medal. Australia is full of cute animals that look like real life stuffed toys. This is true, we have the inland taipan - the most venomous land snake in the world (we also have sea snakes in case you were wondering). Sydney, our largest city, is home of the funnel web spider, these are as big as you hand, their bite is deadly and unlike most spiders these are actively aggressive. We also have white pointer sharks down south; they don't go up north because the crocodiles eat them. We have deadly octopi, the platypus is poisonous, killer fish - its just like a toy store. Come to Australia, you might accidently get killed. Back to Top Of Page

Introducing the author - Brendan

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