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There's a hell of a lot to read here. Mostly, it’s stuff that we found online. If you read this there is five dollars at the end (No Skipping Ahead). You'll understand when you get there. Also some random Quotes that help explain different things in life. We got the five dollars back! The Resume is LONG don't try to read in one week.

Have fun!

(Note: be prepared to be offended occasionally)

I you find any Quotes send them to us here or at:

lupis_project42@yahoo.com

lupis42@wpi.edu

To Compute...

Or Not To Compute...

That Is The Question...

Whether 'Tis Nobler In The Memory Bank..

To Suffer The Slings And Circuits Of Outrageous Functions...

...Or To Take Up Arms Against A Sea Of..Transistors,

Or Rather Transponders...

Transcondu--

Trans...

Er...

Oh, To Hack With It.

Index:

How To Impress A Woman

Quotes:

- General Quotes

- Terry Prattchet Quotes

- Dorothy Parker Quotes

- Famous Last Words

- 12 Quotes On The Nature Of The Universe

- Dilbert's Words Of Wisdom

- Quotes Of Personal Significance

Did They Really Say That?

Tech Support

Work:

- Excuses For Skipping Work

- Excuses For Sleeping At Your Desk

- How Gates Does It

- Phrases You Wish You Could Say At Work

Bad Jokes:

- Sven, Ole, and Unemployment

- Bible

- Dieting

- Feet

- Lunch

- Two On Cloning

- Four Elk And A Plane

- Mushrooms

- Supercallifragelistic...

- Wet Car

- Something Unthinkable

- Business Deductions

The Evolution Of Math

That's Just Mean

- KGB

- Gators

- Bears

Poems

- "'Twas the Night Before Release Date."

- Dr Suess On technical Training

- Edgar Allen Poe on PCs

- The OJ Trial, by D.Suess

- The Yoda Song

Chritians, Jews, And Golfing

Ankh

Lists

- Beer Troubleshooting

- Proverbs For Our Time

- Network Age

- Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

- Actual doctors Notes

- Top Ten Signs You Picked The Wrong ISP

- Top 16 Signs You Won't Beat A Computer At Chess

- Top 45 Oxymorons

- Niven's Laws

- Niven's Laws For Writers

- Van Gogh's Relations

- Top 15 Signs Your Webmaster Is In A Cult

- Top Ten Things You'll Hear With A Klingon On Your Software Team

- Cruise Questions

- Canadians, Brits, Or Americans

- Top Ten Signs You Watch Too Much Star Trek

- Top 10 Reasons why The Enterprise-D would defeat a Star Destroyer

- Tenant Complaints

- 100 Reasons to Be a Guy

- Eight Simple Rules

- Jesus Is Elvis (we're positive)

America

- Title To The Property

Redneck Lists

- Tips For Northerner Going South

- Redneck Etiquette

- Computer terms for Rednecks

- Redneck Medical Terminology For The Layman

- You Know You're From Texas When

Etch-A-Sketch

Microsoft Cracks

- Microsoft In Tenn. (Rednecks Too)

- If Restaurants Were Like Microsoft

Santa

- The Physics Before Christmas

- The X-mas Files

Kids

Fun Things To Do...

- 32 Ways To Be Annoying (great at parties! kids love it!)

- More Than Fifty Ways To Get Rid Of Blind Dates (and other social catastrophes)

- Garage And Yard Sales...

- Things To Do In An Elevator

Caffeine Addict's Quiz

Alcohol

- Five Stages Of Drunkenness

- Appropriate Alcohol Warnings

- Why You Should Drink

The Car

The War Between The Sexes

- Dogs VS Men

- Cats, Dogs, and Little People In fur Coats

- Training Courses Available For Women

- 1962 Quiz For Women to Determine Their Attractivness to Men (NOTE: this should not be taken seriously in thins century)

Reason # 173 To Fear Technology

The Five Dollars

God

Credits

How To Impress A Woman

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:

Compliment her,

cuddle her,

kiss her,

caress her,

love her,

stroke her,

tease her,

comfort her,

protect her,

hug her,

hold her,

spend money on her,

wine & dine her,

buy things for her,

listen to her,

care for her,

stand by her,

support her,

go to the ends of the earth for her

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:

Show up naked.

Bring Beer.

General Quotes

"In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness you send out for it."

- Rex Reed

"I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get 7 years

of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me 5."

- Steven Wright

"Remember...a developer is someone who wants to build a house

in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already owns

a house in the woods."

- Dennis Miller

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle.

Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole

one and asked Him to forgive me."

- Emo Philips

"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway

and lost him."

- Emo Philips

"I care not what others think of what I do, but I care very
much about what I think of what I do. That is character!
- Teddy Roosevelt

Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.
- B. C. Forbes

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."

- Samuel Goldwyn

Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I
tried to fill it with family, religion, community service,
but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.
- Homer Simpson

Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong.
Even though they say it's okay in the bible.
- Homer Simpson

Stealing! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from
that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain
What's-his-name?
- Homer Simpson

The lesson is: Our God is vengeful! O spiteful one, show me
who to smite and they shall be smoten!
 - Homer Simpson

Ignore the boy, Lord.
 - Homer Simpson

I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not
going to church!
 - Homer Simpson

"Licorice is the liver of candy."

 - Michael O'Donoghue

"You're never too old to become younger."

 - Mae West

"Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your

pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors."

- Joey Adams

I am ready to meet my maker, but whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal

of meeting me is another matter.

- Winston Churchill

The only completely consistent people are the dead.

- Aldous Huxley

It is nothing to die; it is frightful not to live.

- Victor Hugo

Death, like birth, is a secret of Nature.

- Marcus Aurellus Antonius

Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us; our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life.

- Albert Einstein

I want to go when I want. It is tasteless to prolong life artificially. I have done my share; it is time to go. I will do it elegantly.

- Albert Einstein

I want to be cremated so people won't come to worship at my bones.

- Albert Einstein

That is not dead

Which can eternal lie

Yet with strange aeons

Even death may die.

- H.P. Lovecraft

Let the world slide, let the world go;

A fig for care, and a fig for woe!

If I can't pay, why I can owe,

And death makes equal the high and low.

- John Heywood

'T is strange that death should sing.

I am the cygnet to this pale faint swan,

Who chants a doleful hymn to his own death,

And from the organ-pipe of frailty sings

His soul and body to their lasting rest.

- William Shakespeare

And nothing can we call our own but death

And that small model of the barren earth

Which serves as paste and cover to our bones.

For God's sake, let us sit upon the ground

And tell sad stories of the death of kings.

- William Shakespeare

Cowards die many times before their deaths;

The valiant never taste of death but once.

- William Shakespeare

I know death hath ten thousand several doors

For men to take their exit.

- John Webster

A person doesn't die when he should but when he can.

- Gabriel García Márquez

Death is the king of this world: 'tis his park

Where he breeds life to feed him. Cries of pain

Are music for his banquet.

- George Eliot

And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death.

- Revelation 6:8

Since the day of my birth, my death began its walk.

It is walking toward me, without hurrying.

- Jean Cocteau

I feel no pain dear mother now,

But oh, I am so dry!

O take me to a brewery,

And leave me there to die.

- Anonymous (19th century)

Death is a Dialouge between, The Spirit and the Dust.

- Emily Dickinson

But that the dread of something after death,

The undiscover'd country from whose bourn

No traveller returns, puzzles the will

And makes us rather bear those ills we have

Than fly to others that we know not of?

- William Shakespeare

Death borders upon our birth, and our cradle stands in the grave.

- Bishop Hall

Time flies, death urges, knells call, Heaven invites, Hell threatens.

- Edward Young

Lovely in death the beauteous ruin lay;

And if in death still lovely, lovelier there;

Far lovelier! pity swells the tide of love.

- Edward Young

While man is growing, life is in decrease;

And cradles rock us nearer to the tomb.

Our birth is nothing but our death begun.

- Edward Young

But I will be,

A bridegroom in my death, and run into't

As to a lover undefineds bed."

- William Shakespeare

The world is the mirror of myself dying.

- Henry Miller

And I will show that nothing can happen more beautiful than death.

- Walt Whitman

And what the dead had no speech for, when living,

They can tell you, being dead: the communication

Of the dead is tongued with fire beyond the language of the living.

- T.S. Eliot

One owes respect to the Living. To the Dead, one owes only Truth.

- Voltaire

This suspense is killing me, I hope it lasts.

- Willy Wonka

Sleep,

Those little slices of Death

How I loathe them.

- Edgar Allen Poe

I'm so happy dancing while the grim reaper

cuts, cuts, cuts, but he can't get me.

I'm as clever as can be, and I'm very quick but don't forget;

we've only got so many tricks.

no one lives forever.

- Danny Elfman

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

- Woody Allen

One should die proudly when it is no longer possible to live proudly.

- Nietzsche

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

- George Bernard Shaw

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily as lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

- Woody Allen

When one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a

better language.

- John Donne

But your dead will live; their bodies will rise.

You who dwell in the dust, wake up and shout for joy.

Your dew is like the dew of the morning;

the earth will give birth to her dead.

- Isaiah 26:19

Her lips were red, her looks were free,

Her locks were yellow as gold :

Her skin was as white as leprosy,

The Night-mare LIFE-IN-DEATH was she,

Who thicks man's blood with cold.

- Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Watching a peaceful death of a human being reminds us of a falling star; one of a million

lights in a vast sky that flares up for a brief moment only to disappear into the endless night forever.

- Elisabeth Kuebler-Ross

Men fear death as children fear to go into the dark; and as that

natural fear in children is increased with tales, so is the other.

- Francis Bacon

A dying man needs to die, as a sleepy man needs to sleep, and there comes a time

when it is wrong, as well as useless, to resist.

- Steward Alsop

Truth sits upon the lips of dying men.

- Matthew Arnold

The words of a dead man are modified in the guts of the living.

- W. H. Auden

I do not believe that any man fears to be dead, but only the stroke of death.

- Francis Bacon

When one by one our ties are torn,

and friend from friend is snatched forlorn;

When man is left alone to mourn,

oh! then how sweet it is to die!

- Anna Letitia Barabauld

Death always waits. The door of the hearse is never closed.

- Joseph Bayly

Death is as sure for that which is born, as birth is for that which is dead. Therefore grieve not for what is inevitable.

- Bhagavad Gita

I'd rather die while I'm living then live while I'm dead.

- Jimmy Buffet

Men are never really willing to die except for the sake of freedom: therefore they do

not believe in dying completely.

- Albert Camus

Woe, woe, woe... in a little while we shall all be dead. Therefore let us behave as though we were dead already.

- Raymond Chandler

While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die.

- Leonardo Da Vinci

A dead atheist is someone who is all dressed up with no place to go.

- James Duffecy

The death of what's dead is the birth of what's living.

- Arlo Guthrie

Pale death with an impartial foot knocks at the hovels of the poor and the palaces of king.

- Horace

Death is feared as birth is forgotten.

- Doug Horton

We are all dead men on leave.

- Eugene Levine

Death is a displaced name for a linguistic predicament.

- Paul De Man

Some people are so afraid to die that they never begin to live.

- Henry Van Dyke

I don't visit my parents often because Delta Airlines won't wait in the yard while I run in.

- Margaret Smith

No matter how love-sick a woman is, she shouldn't take the first pill that comes along.

- Dr. Joyce Brothers

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

- Rosanne Barr

My mother buried three husbands ... and two of them were only napping.

- Rita Rudner

Writing only leads to more writing.

- Collette

I was born because my mother needed a fourth for meals.

- Beatrice Lillie

A girl can't analyze marriage, and a woman dare not.

- Lady Troubridge

He had a big head and a face so ugly it became almost fascinating.

- Ayn Rand

If it weren't for women, men would still be wearing last week's socks.

- Cynthina Nelms

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A chinese man threw up on

me.

- Phyllis Diller

The phone company handles 84 billion calls a year --- everything from kings, queens, and presidents to the scum of the earth.

- Lilly Tomlin, as Ernestine the Operator

Shopping is better than sex. At least if you're not satisfied, you can exchange it for something you really like.

- Adrienne Gusoff

If you live your life with your head up your ass, you'll always experience the same old shit.

- Adrienne Gusoff

She looked as though butter wouldn't melt in her mouth ... or anywhere else.

- Elna Lanchester

All the world's a cage.

- Heanne Philips

Instant gratification is not soon enough.

- Meryl Streep

Fashion is something that goes in one year and out the other.

- Denise Klahn

I moved to New York City for my health. I'm paranoid and New York was the only place where my fears were justified.

- Anita Weiss

Man forgives woman anything save the wit to outwit him.

- Minna Antrim

If what I do prove well, it won't advance. /

They'll say it's stolen, or else it was by chance.

- Anne Bradstreet

The natural superiority of women is a biological fact, and a socially acknowledged reality.

- Ashely Montagu

The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing --- and then they marry him.

- Cher

Women are the real architects of society.

- Harriet Beecher Stowe, author of Uncle Tom's Cabin

So you're the little woman who wrote the book that made this great war.

- Abraham Lincoln, on meeting Harriet Beecher Stowe

Not only have women been successful in entering fields in which men are supposed to have a more natural aptitude, but they have created entirely new businesses.

- Lucretia P. Hunter, ``The Girl Today, The Woman Tomorrow'', 1932

I'm tough, ambitious and I know exactly what I want.

- Madonna

I never realized until lately that women were supposed to be inferior.

- Katherine Hepburn

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

- Phyllis Diller

Canadians are cold so much of the time that many of them leave instructions to be cremated.

- Cynthia Nelms

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

- Erma Bombeck

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

- Carole Burnett

In New York City, one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space.

- Judith Stone

A stale mind is the devil's breadbox.

- Mary Bly

I don't sleep with happily married men.

- Britt Ekland

Jews don't go camping. Life is hard enough as it is.

- Carol Siskind

I think, therefore I'm single.

- Liz Winston

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ``Get the hell off my property.''

- Joan Rivers

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

- Phyllis Diller

To attract men, I wear a perfume called ``New Car Interior.''

- Rita Rudner

Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him of the entire weekend.

- Zenna Schaffer

I love my kids, but I wouldn't want them for friends.

- Janet Sorensen

We owe something to extravagance, for thrift and adventure seldom go hand in hand.

- Jenny Jerome Churchill

Her only flair is in her nostrils.

- Pauline Kael

To achieve the impossible dream, try going to sleep.

- Joan Klempner

I may be a dumb blonde, but I'm not that blonde.

- Patricia Neill

If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says : "I'm cheap!"

- Delta Burke

Anyone with more than 365 pair of shoes is a pig.

- Barbara Melser Lieberman

English was good enough for Jesus Christ and it's good enough for the children of Texas.

- Miriam ``Ma'' Ferguson, Governor of Texas, 1924

A hundred years for now? All new people.

- Anne Lamott

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

- Elayne Boosler

Jews can't serve on juries because they insist they're guilty.

- Cathy Ladman

Women who buy perfume and flowers for themselves because their men won't do it are called ``self basting.''

- Adair Lara

If Shakespeare had to go on an author tour to promote "Romeo and Juliet", he never would have written "Macbeth".

- Dr. Joyce Brothers

I don't believe in divorce. I believe in widowhood.

- Carolyn Green

I rely on my personality for birth control.

- Liz Winston

I tried to commit suicide by sticking my head in the oven, but there was a cake in it.

- Lesley Boone.

A man on a date wonders if he'll get lucky. The woman already knows.

- Monica Piper

Opportunity knocked. My doorman threw him out.

- Adrienne Gusoff

Never do anything yourself that others can do for you.

- Agatha Christie

If men liked shopping, they'd call it research.

- Cythina Nelms

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

- Rita Mae Brown

Sex is a bad thing because it rumples the clothes.

- Jackie Onassis

Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.

- Ernestine Ulmer

Travel, instead of broadening the mind, often merely lengthens the conversation.

- Elizabeth Drew

The only aspect of our travels that is interesting to others is disaster.

- Martha Gellman

I don't have false teeth. Do you think I'd buy teeth like these?

- Carole Burnett

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

- Katherine Hepburn

Before I met my husband I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.

- Rita Rudner

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

- Phyllis Diller

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.

- Elayne Boosler

If the shoe fits, it's too expensive.

- Adrienne Gusoff

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

- Maryon Pearson

I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell my children that they just about throw up.

- Barbara Bush

The sins of the fathers are often visited upon the sons-in-law.

- Joan Kiser

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

- Roseanne Barr

In Tulsa, restaurants have signs that say, ``Sorry, we're open.''

- Roseanne Barr

Things are always darkest just before they go pitch black.

- Kelly Robinson

If you don't show up at a party, people will assume you're fat.

- Stephanie Vanderkellen

If at first you don't succeed, why go on and make a fool of yourself?

- Susanna Pomeory

Having something to say is overrated.

- Adair Lara

Pushing forty? She's hanging on for dear life.

- Ivy Compton-Burnett

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

- Alice Roosevelt Longworth, on Calvin Coolidge

Art is one thing that can go on mattering once it has stopped hurting.

- Elizabeth Bowen

Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy.

- Cythina Nelms

You can't build a reputation on what you intend to do.

- Liz Smith

In America, sex is an obsession; in other parts of the world it's a fact.

- Marlene Dietrich

The worst moment for an atheist is when he feels grateful and has no one to thank.

- Wendy Ward

Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.

- Helen Rowland

Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have time.

- Tallulah Bankhead

There are no ugly women, only lazy ones.

- Helena Rubenstein

God forbid that any book should be banned. The practice is as indefensible as infanticide.

- Rebecca West

A food is not necessarily essential just because your child hates it.

- Katharine Whitehorn

Say what you want about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of shins.

- Mae West

We are so vain that we even care for the opinions of those we don't care for.

- Marie Egner von Eschenbach

We want far better reasons for having children than not knowing how to prevent them.

- Dora Russell

A good listener is not someone with nothing to say. A good listener is a good talker with a sore throat.

- Katharine Whitehorn

Politeness is one half good nature and the other half good lying.

- Mary Wilson Little

Ever notice that Soup For One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

- Elayne Boosler

We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company.

- Lilly Tomlin, as Ernestine the Operator

Cynicism is an unpleasant way of telling the truth.

- Lillian Hellman

If someone tells you he is going to make ``a realistic decision,' you immediately understand that he is going to do something bad.

- Mary McCarthy

Keep a diary, and someday it'll keep you.

- Mae West

One has a greater sense of degradation after an interview with a doctor than from any human experience.

- Alice Jones

It is better to be unfaithful than to be faithful without wanting to be.

- Brigitte Bardot

The youthful sparkle in Ronald Reagan's eyes is caused by his contact lenses, which he keeps highly polished.

- Sheila Graham

No man is responsible for his father. That was entirely his mother's affair.

- Maraget Turnbull

I'm furious about the Women's Liberationists. They keep getting up on soapboxes and proclaiming that women are brighter than men. That's true, but it should be kept quiet or it ruins the whole racket.

- Anita Loos

The vote means nothing to women. We should be armed.

- Edna O'Brien

People call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute.

- Rebecca West

Once a woman has forgiven a man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast.

- Marlene Dietrich

I thought I told you to wait in the car.

- Tallulah Bankhead, on seeing a former lover for the first time in years

One of the most difficult things to contend with in a hospital is that assumption on the part of the staff that because you have lost your gall bladder you have also lost your mind.

- Jean Kerr

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.

- George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans)

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

- Virginia Woolf

Doctors and nurses are people who give you medicine until you die.

- Deborah Martin

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

- Phyllis Diller

You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.

- Beverly Sills

Our ability to delude ourselves may be an important survival tool.

- Jane Wagner

Man is the only animal that learns by being hypocritical. He pretends to be polite and then, eventually, he _becomes_ polite.

- Jean Kerr

Imagination and fiction make up more than three quarters of our real life.

- Simone Weil

The older one grows, the more one likes indecency.

- Virginia Woolf

You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.

- Indira Gandhi

I am ashamed of confessing that I have nothing to confess.

- Fanny Burney

There are some people who leave impressions not so lasting as the imprint of an oar upon the water.

- Kate Chopin

She's the original good time that was had by all.

- Bette Davis, about a starlet

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Man invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

- Elayne Boolser

When mom found my diaphram, I told her it was a bathing cap for my cat.

- Liz Winston

Living in a vacuum sucks.

- Adrienne Gusoff

Rules are for people who don't know how to get around them.

- Tori Harrison

If you talk enough, you don't feel you have to _do_ anything.

- John Updike's mother

If age imparted wisdom, there wouldn't be any old fools.

- Claudia Young

Most men who are not married by the age of thirty-five are either homosexual or really smart.

- Becky Rodenbeck

Van Gogh became a painter because he had no ear for music.

- Nikki Harris

He who laughs last didn't get it.

- Helen Giangregorio

In Hollywood, an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty percent of publicity.

- Lauren Bacall

I'm not the public.

- Lauren Bacall, on being told that a store was not open to the public

People don't live nowadays --- they get about ten percent out of life.

- Isadora Duncan

Falling out of love is very enlightening. For a short while you see the world with new eyes.

- Iris Murdoch

Every little girl knows about love. It is only her capacity to suffer because of it that increases.

- Francois Sagan

She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake.

- Margot Asquith

Nobody speaks the truth when there is something they must have.

- Elizabeth Bowen

Being an old maid is like death by drowning, a really delightful sensation after you cease to struggle.

- Edna Ferber

When you see what some women marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living.

- Helen Rowland

It should be a very happy marriage --- they are both so much in love with him.

- Irene Thomas

The ultimate indignity is to be given a bedpan by a stranger who calls you by your first name.

- Maggie Kuhn

Women want mediocre men, and men are working to become as mediocre as possible.

- Margaret Mead

One cannot be always laughing at a man without now and then stumbling on something witty.

- Jane Austen

A man is so in the way in the house.

- Elizabeth Gaskell

Probably the only place where a man can feel really secure is in a maximum security prison, except for the imminent threat of release.

- Germaine Greer

The follies which a man regrets the most in his life are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity.

- Helen Rowland

Where large sums of money are concerned, it is advisable to trust nobody.

- Agatha Christie

The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any.

- Katharine Whitehorn

We met Dr. Hall in such deep mourning that either his mother, his wife, or himself must be dead.

- Jane Austen

I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me that trouble of liking them.

- Jane Austen

In New York City, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans.

- Charlotte Perkins Gilman

As I grow

older and older, /

And totter toward the tomb, /

I find that I care less /

and less /

Who goes to bed with whom. /

- Dorothy Sayers

There are times not to flirt. When you're sick. When you're with children. When you're on the witness stand.

- Joyce Jillson

Each has his past shut in him like the leaves of a book known to him by heart and his friends can only read the title.

- Virginia Woolf

Politeness is half good manners and half good lying.

- Mary Wilson Little

When you were quite a little boy, somebody ought to have said ``hush'' just once.

- Mrs Patrick Campbell, to George Bernard Shaw

Fortunately, psychoanalysis is not the only way to resolve inner conflicts. Life itself remains a very effective therapist.

- Karen Horney

Daughters go into analysis hating their fathers and come out hating their mothers. They never come out hating themselves.

- Laurie Jo Wojcik

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.

- Harriet Beecher Stowe

There exists no politician in India daring enough to attempt to explain to the masses that cows can be eaten.

- Indira Gandhi

Why do born-again people so often make you wish they'd never been born the first time?

- Katharine Whitehorn

With the newspaper strike on, I wouldn't consider dying.

- Bette Davis, on being told that her death was rumored

Mothers are a biological necessity; fathers are a social invention.

- Margaret Mead

Mothers, food, love, and career, the four major guilt groups.

- Cathy Guisewite

Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing.

- Harriet Braiker

Until you lose your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was or what freedom really is.

- Margaret Mitchell

The way to do research is to attack the facts at the point of greatest astonishment.

- Celia Green

Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving.

- Rosalind Russell, as Aunti Mame

Noncooks think it's silly to invest two hours' work in two minutes' enjoyment; but if cooking is evanescent, so is the ballet.

-Julia Child

My father was often angry when I was most like him.

- Lillian Hellman

Babies don't need fathers, but mothers do. Someone who is taking care of a baby needs to be taken care of.

- Amy Heckerling

Whenever I get married I start buying "Gourmet Magazine".

- Nora Ephron

Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all.

- Harriet Van Horne

What my mother believed about cooking is that if you worked hard and prospered, someone else would

do it for you.

-Nora Ephron

You don't die of a broken heart, you only wish you did.

- Marilyn Peterson

If I can't have too many truffles, I'll do without truffles.

- Collette

Family dinners are more often than not an ordeal of nervous indigestion, preceded by hidden resentment and ennui and

accompanied by psychosomatic jitters.

- M. F. K. Fisher

No more tears now; I will think about revenge.

- Mary Queen of Scots

For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbors and laugh at them in our turn?

- Jane Austen

I shall be an autocrat, that's my trade; and that good Lord will forgive me, that's his.

- Catherine the Great

The cry of equality pulls everyone down.

- Iris Murdoch

I love children --- especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.

- Nancy Mitford

I was raised almost entirely on turnips and potatoes, but I think that the turnips had more to do with the effect than

the potatoes.

- Marlene Dietrich

What a pity, when Christopher Columbus discovered America, that he ever mentioned it.

- Margot Asquith

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

- Joan Rivers

You should always believe what you read in the newspapers, for that makes them more interesting.

- Rose Macauley

I didn't know how babies were made until I was pregnant with my fourth child.

- Loretta Lynn

I feel sure that no girl would go to the altar if she knew all.

- Queen Victoria

I'd marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars, would sign over half to me, and guarantee that he'd be dead within a year.

- Bette Davis

Going to the opera, like getting drunk, is a sin that carries its own punishment with it.

- Hannah More, 1775

I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me.

- Bette Midler

I feel like a million tonight --- but one at a time.

- Mae West

My favorite animal is steak.

- Fran Lebowitz

God is love, but get it in writing.

- Gypsy Rose Lee

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

- Helen Rowland

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

- Fran Lebowitz

The main difference between men and women is that men are lunatics and women are idiots.

- Rebecca West

If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.

- Nora Ephron

Nothing succeeds like address.

- Fran Lebowitz

You should always carry a gun. Not to shoot yourself, but to know that you're always making a choice.

- Lina Wertmuller

Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.

- Cornelia Otis Skinner

The prostitute is the only honest woman left in America.

- Ty-Grace Atkinson

I never see what has been done; I only see what remains to be done.

- Madame Curie

We all like stories that make us cry. It's so nice to feel sad when you've nothing in particular to feel sad about.

- Annie Sullivan

It doesn't make any difference what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses.

- Mrs. Patrick Campbell

When women go wrong, men go right after them.

- Mae West

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.

- Mae West

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they don't like him.

- Marlene Dietrich

I never realized until lately that women were supposed to be the inferior sex.

- Katharine Hepburn

When a man meets catastrophe on the road, he looks in his purse, but a woman looks in her mirror.

- Margaret Turnbull

My personal hobbies are reading, listening to music, and silence.

- Edith Sitwell

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

- Mae West

The penalty of success is to be bored by people who used to snub you.

- Nancy Astor

In university they don't tell you that the greater part of the law is learning to tolerate fools.

- Doris Lessing

One man's folly is another man's wife.

- Helen Rowland

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.

- Helen Gurley Brown

When a woman behaves like a man, why doesn't she behave like a nice man?

- Edith Evans

If you educate a man you educate a person, but if you educate a woman you educate a family.

- Ruby Manikan

ThisEnglishwoman is so refined /

She has no bosom and no behind.

- Stevie Smith

I would venture to guess that Anon, who wrote so many poems without signing them, was often a woman.

- Virginia Woolf

Literature is strewn with the wreckage of those who have minded beyond reason the opinion of others.

- Virginia Woolf

You don't get to choose how you're going to die, or when. You can only decide how you're going to live now.

- Joan Baez

Acting is standing up naked and turning around very slowly.

- Rosalind Russell

The years that a woman subtracts form her age are not lost. They are added to other women's.

- Diane De Poitiers

The lovely thing about being forty is that you can appreciate twenty-five-year-old men more.

- Collen McCullough

Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.

- Missy Dizick

My husband said he wanted to have a relationship with a redhead, so I dyed my hair.

- Jane Fonda

The best time to plan a book is while you're doing the dishes.

- Agatha Christie

It's not a bad idea to get in the habit of writing down one's thoughts. It saves one having to bother anyone with them.

- Isabel Colegate

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

- Mae West

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

- Joan Rivers

All creative people should be required to leave California for three months every year.

- Gloria Swanson

It is easier to live through someone else than to become complete yourself.

- Betty Friedan

Lack of education is an extraordinary handicap when one is being offensive.

- Josephine Tey

Egotism -- usually just a case of mistaken nonentity.

- Barbara Stanwyck

If it were natural for father to care for their sons, they would not need so many laws commanding them to do so.

- Phyllis Chesler

We can lie in the language of dress or try ot tell the truth; but unless we are naked and bald, it is impossible to be silent.

- Alison Lurie

Friendship is not possible between two women, one of whom is very well dressed.

- Laurie Colwin

If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle.

- Rita Mae Brown

If only we'd stop trying to be happy we'd have a pretty good time.

- Edith Wharton

The world wants to be cheated. So cheat.

- Xaviera Hollander

There is nothing like a good dose of another woman to make a man appreciate his wife.

- Clare Boothe Luce

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

- Joan Rivers

A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.

- Lillian Day

It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean.

- Mae West

The woman whose behavior indicates that she will make a scene if she is told the truth asks to be deceived.

- Elizabeth Jenkins

Experience: A comb life gives you after you lose your hair.

- Judith Stern

Excessive literary production is a social offense.

- George Eliot, a.k.a. Mary Ann Evans

To fall in love you have to be in the state of mind for it to take, like a disease.

- Nancy Mitford

In love there are things --- bodies and words.

- Joyce Carol Oates

Loves conquers all things except poverty and toothache.

- Mae West

Love is the difficult realization that something other than oneself is real.

- Iris Murdoch

Never give up and never face the facts.

- Ruth Gordon

In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing.

- Mignon McLaughlin

All marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes all the problems.

- Shelley Winters

No nice men are good at

getting taxis.

- Katharine Whitehorn

Getting along with men isn't what's

truly important. The vital knowledge is how to get along with one man.

Phyllis McGinley

The first time Adam had a chance, he laid the blame on

woman.

- Nancy Astor

God gave women intuition and femininity. Used properly,

the combination easily jumbles the brain of any man I've ever met.

- Farrah Fawcett

Some couples go over their budgets very carefully every month, other

just go over them.

- Sally Poplin

I was born at the age of twelve on an MGM lot.

- Judy Garland

I believe in censorship. I made a fortune out of it.

- Mae West

I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the

incompetent.

- Dame Edith Sitwell

Politician talk themselves red, white, and blue in the face.

- Clare Booth Luce

They say that women talk too much. If you have worked in congress

you know that the filibuster was invented by men.

- Clare Booth Luce

The First Lady is an unpaid public servant elected by one person --- her husband.

- Lady Bird Johnson

I prefer liberty to chains of diamonds.

- Lady Mary Wortley Montagu

One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom.

- Muriel Spark

Power is the ability not to have to please.

- Elizabeth Janeway

Sanity is a cozy lie.

- Susan Sontag

If it's a woman, its caustic; if it's a man, it's authoritative.

- Barbara Walters

The point of quotations is that one can use another's words to be insulting.

-Amanda Cross

Romance is the glamour which turns the dust of everyday life into a golden haze.

- Elinor Glyn

It is a common enough case, that of a man being suddenly captivated by a woman nearly the opposite of his ideal.

- George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans)

The head never rules the heart, but just becomes its partner in crime.

- Mignon McLaughlin

A kiss can be a comma, a question mark, or an exclamation point. That's the basic spelling that every woman ought to know.

- Mistinguette

What a wonderful life I've had! I only wish I'd realized it sooner.

- Collette

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

- Joan Rivers

When I appear in public, people expect me to neigh, grind my teeth paw the ground and swish my tail --- none of which is easy.

- Princess Anne

Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified performance.

- Helen Lawrenson

To err is human, but is feels divine.

- Mae West

There are men I could spend eternity with. but not this life.

- Kathleen Norris

Listening, not imitation, may be the sincerest form of flattery.

- Dr. Joyce Brothers

I don't remember anybody's name. How do you think the ``dahling'' thing got started?

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

I fear nothing so much as a man who is witty all day long.

- Madame de Sevigne

I am one of those unhappy persons who inspire bores to the greatest flights of art.

- Dame Edith Sitwell

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer the m a drink.

- Fran Lebowitz

Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of a witness.

- Margaret Miller

No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you'll see why.

- Mignon McLaughlin

It is a common delusion that you can make things better by talking about them.

- Dame Rose Macauley

There are days when any electrical appliance in the house, including the vacuum cleaner, offers more entertainment than the TV set.

- Harriet Van Horne.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

- Marilyn Monroe

On a plane you can pick up more and better people than on any other public conveyance since the stagecoach.

- Anita Loos

Traveling is the ruin of all happiness! There's no looking at a building after seeing Italy.

- Fanny Burney

Virtue has its own reward, but no box office.

- Mae West

If you stop to be kind, you must swerve often from your path.

- Mary Webb

War has become a luxury that only small nations can afford.

- Hannah Arendt

Before a war, military science seems a real science, like astronomy. After a war it seems more like astrology.

- Dame Rebecca West

Plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do.

- Katharine Hepburn

All really great lovers are articulate, and verbal seduction is the surest road to actual seduction.

- Marya Mannes

Behind almost every woman you ever heard of stands a man who let her down.

- Naomi Bliven

A woman can look book moral and exciting ... if she also looks as if it was quite a struggle.

- Edna Ferber

The Queen is most anxious to enlist everyone in checking this mad, wicked folly of ``Women's Rights.'' It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot contain herself.

- Queen Victoria

The argument of the broken pane of glass is the most valuable argument in modern politics.

- Emmeline Pankhurst

Men are not the enemy, but the fellow victims. The real enemy is women's denigration of themselves.

- Betty Friedan

The women's movement hasn't changed my sex life. It wouldn't dare.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Elegance is refusal.

- Coco Chanel

Expect the worst and you won't be disappointed.

- Helen MacInnes

Everyone makes a greater effort to hurt other people than to help himself.

- Alexis Carrel

Changing husbands is only changing troubles.

- Kathleen Norris

It is really asking too much of a woman to expect her to bring up her husband and her children too.

- Lillian Bell

Before marriage, a man will lay down his life for you; after marriage he won't even lay down his newspaper.

- Helen Rowland

To love deeply in one direction makes us more loving in all others.

- Madame Swetchine

Every man wants a woman to appeal to his better side, his nobler instincts, and his higher nature --- and another woman to help him forget them.

- Helen Rowland

A sparkling house is a fine thing if the children aren't robbed of their luster in keeping it that way.

- Marcelene Cox

People with bad consciences always fear the judgement of children.

- Mary McCarthy

Baby: an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other.

- Elizabeth Adamson

My passport photo is one of the most remarkable photographs I have ever seen --- no retouching, no shadows, no flattery --- just stark me.

- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse.

- Emily Dickinson

To be a hero or a heroine, one must give an order to oneself.

- Simone Weil

Hope is a thing with feathers /

That perches in the soul, /

And sings the tune without words /

And never stops at all.

- Emily Dickinson

Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their pedestals.

- Agnes Repplier

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

- Rita Rudner

Have you ever taken something out of the clothes hamper because it had become, relatively, the cleanest thing?

- Katharine Whitehorn

Eating without conversation is only stoking.

- Marcelene Cox

I am treating you as my friend asking you share my present minuses in the hope I can ask you to share my future pluses.

- Katherine Mansfield

Weather means more when you have a garden. There's nothing like listening to a shower and thinking how it is soaking in around your green beans.

- Marcelene Cox

Lots of people think they're charitable if they give away their old clothes and things they don't want.

- Myrtle Reed

To be a saint does not exclude fine dresses nor a beautiful house.

- Katherine Tynan Hinkson

The quickest way to know a woman is to go shopping with her.

- Marcelene Cox

All sins are attempts to fill voids.

- Simone Weil

I want all hellions to quit puffing that hell fume in God's clean air.

- Carry Nation, on smoking

Who would ever think that so much went on in the soul of a young girl?

- Anne Frank

I like people who refuse to speak until they are ready to speak.

- Lillian Hellman

It it not good to see people who have been pretending strength all their lives lose it even for a minute.

- Lillian Hellman

When the grandmothers of today hear the word ``Chippendales,'' they don't necessary think of chairs.

- Joan Kerr

Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow talent to the dark place where it leads.

- Erica Jong

If you realize too acutely how valuable time it, you are too paralyzed to do anything.

- Katharine Butler

Hathaway The tourist may complain of other tourists, but he would be lost without them.

- Agnes Repplier

Truth is always exciting. Speak it, then, Life is dull without it.

- Pearl Buck

Those who are unhappy have no need for anything in this world but people capable of giving them their attention.

- Simone Weil

When you are unhappy, is there anything more maddening than to be told that you should be contented with your lot?

- Kathleen Norris

A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by mother, who sees that the others get it.

- Marcelene Cox

Women are at last becoming persons first and wives second, and that is as it should be.

- May Sarton

Most women's magazines simply try to mold women into bigger and better consumers.

- Gloria Steinem

Writers should be read but not seen. Rarely are they a winsome sight.

- Edna Ferber

Don't agonize. Organize.

- Florynce Kennedy

I don't mind being miserable as long as I'm painting well.

- Grace Hartigan

Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.

- Dr. Joyce Brothers

I have too many fantasies to be a housewife. I guess I am a fantasy.

- Marilyn Monroe

I refuse to believe that trading recipes is silly. Tunafish casserole is at least as real as corporate stock.

- Barbara Grizzuti Harrison

I stopped believing in Santa Claus at age six when my mother took me to see him in a store and he asked for my autograph.

- Shirley Temple Black

By the time I'd grown up, I naturally supposed that I'd grown up.

- Eve Babitz

Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom.

- Candice Bergen

If I hadn't started painting, I would have raised chickens.

- Grandma Moses

The eleventh commandment --- Thou shalt not be found out --- is the only one that is virtually impossible to keep these days.

- Berta Buxton (1844-1881)

In parts of the world, people still pray in the streets. In this country they're called pedestrians.

- Gloria Pitzer

All human relationships are a struggle for power. A struggle to be the most subjective, and thus to make the other into an object. Through a combination of masochism, sadism, and indifference, all human relationships fail.

- paraphrasing of JPS

Thank you for calling Hell. Unfortunately there's no one here to take your call, so please leave a message after the tone. Alternatively, for reservations and party bookings, please dial the following number. Thank you.

These things are not the beliefs of madmen but the beliefs of sane men and women trying

desperately, not to preserve the status

quo, but just to find the fucking thing.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, thinking that we're dead. That all this is just Death's last joke.

That we're living one last dream before the lights go out. And then I think, so what's new?

-Death, The Time of your life - Neil Gaiman

To Absent Friends, Past Loves, old Gods, and the season of Mists.

- Neil Gaiman

"Sweet is Death, who comes like a lover."

"There's something wrong with the world. I'm becoming a hazy memory."

"Think about it. Every time god wanted to destroy a city, or punish a person, or show his wrath, he sent down an Angel. Now tell me, would you really want to meet one?"

"The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be divided into 3 groups: poisonons, odd, and sheep." - Douglas Adams

"Guy Fawkes is the only person in history to have entered parliment wit honorable intentions."

"What? Somebody has said Bill isn't God? Oh dear. Mr. Bill won't be happy and it'll be another reign of Microsoft

Plauge (TM) folloned by Microsoft Flood (TM), without the use of Microsoft Ark (TM) this time."

"The definition of torture is to be seperated from your loved one." -Inez.

"One always dies too soon--or too late. And yet, one's whole life is complete at that moment ... You are your life, and nothing else."

- Jean Paul Satre.

"We jumped out of a building."

"Yes, it was very exciting. Tommorow we go to he zoo."

- The Long Kiss Goodnight

"Continue dying."

- The Long Kiss Goodnight

"Don't worry, I got out of Beruit. I think I can get out of New Jersey."
"Don't be so sure. Others have tried and failed. The entire population in fact."
- The Long Kiss Goodnight

"Don't worry, I got out of Beruit. I think I can get out of New Jersey."

"Don't be so sure. Others have tried and failed. The entire population in fact."

- the Long Kiss Goodnight

"Put your trust in the lord. Your ass belongs to me." - Warden Norten

"Your twenty-one now, legally able to drink, so we figuered the best thing for you was a car." - Ben Affleck, Good Will Hunting

"This is the ugliest car I've ever seen. Thanks guys." - Matt Damon's response

"'Exited the emnity of.' That's a good phrase. Round. I intend to remember it and use it at every opportunity." - Cuthbert Allgood, Wizard And Glass

"What you think is the heart may well be another organ." - Jeanette Winterson

"The only way you can make a happy marrige is by cutting off their heads as soon as they say 'I do'." - Granny Weatherwax

"Forty thousand people die every day. Why can't you be one of them?" - U-Turn

"My former wife is now living with a woman of the same sex." - Caller, radio

"I think you may have hit the nail on the head, or at least bent it slightly." - Dan Quigly

"Now it doesn't take long to explain all about the Web,and the average person can grab all the essentials and gain a good working knowledge in less than a lifespan." - Robert Rankin

"There is no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate." - Buffy

"You mean you can look at other things without thinking of chocolate?" - Carol Hague

"You can't run away forever, but there's nothing wrong with a good head start." - Jim Steinman

"Moderation in all things" - Aristotle

"Including moderation." - yr humble srppint

"If nature had been comfortable, mankind would never have invented architecture." - Oscar Wilde

"Every day you learn something you wish you didn't know."

"Porn gives you about as realistic a view of sex as Batman gives you a realistic view of law enforcement." - The flying hamster

"Given a little bit of thrust, most hedgehogs fly just fine. Landing however... "

"There's always a little dirt, or infinity, or something." - Richard Feynman

"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man I put away childish things, because WOW, I could afford much better childish things!" - Terry Pratchett

"When all is said and done, there is alot more said than done."

"A witty statement proves nothing." - Voltaire

"Promise me you won't go out driving without some sort of alcoholic beverage." - Futureama

"Unlimited technology from all over the universe and we drive around in a Ford P.O.S." - J, M.I.B.

"We live in a rainbow of chaos." - Paul Cezanne

"The organiser said to me 'It`ll be lovely, because it`s full

of sad girls who want to sleep with Captain Kirk, and if he`s

not there, you might do.'

- PTerry, on attending a Star Trek convention (Sunday Times, again...)

"People who have tried it, tell me that a clear conscience makes you very

happy and contented; but a full stomach does the business quite as well,

and is cheaper, and more easily obtained."

- J. K. Jerome

"Life is just a beta version of death."

"A cap of good acid costs 5$ and for that you can hear the universal symphony w/ God singing solo and the Holy Ghost on drums."

- Hunter S. Thompson

"You never expected justice from a company did you? They have neither a soul to lose, nor a body to kick."

"You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people

they don't need."

Terry Prattchet Quotes

A true beanie should have a propellor on the top.