HANDWRITING:
BATHROOMS:
RESTROOMS
CATS:
OFFSPRING:
SEX:
DRESSING UP:
LAUNDRY:
WEDDINGS:
MENOPAUSE:
THE TELEPHONE:
RICHARD GERE:
MADONNA:
PLANTS:
CAMERAS:
LOCKER ROOMS:
GARAGES:
MOVIES:
TIME:
CONVERSATION:
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as
adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving
each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely
work out.
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-
scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with
circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their"p's" and
"g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's
dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would
not be able to identify most of these items.
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as
social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other.
Never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant
table by saying, "Hey Tom, I was just about to take a leak.
Do you want to join me?
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men
kick cats.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods
and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short
people living in the house.
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay.
Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for:
weddings and funerals.
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants , before he will do his
laundry. When he is finally out of
clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take
his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet
beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by
reruns of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk
about "the bachelor party."
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of
these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a
uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather
driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send
short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two
weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the
same frind and they will talk for three hours.
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate
Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health
club and dates only married women.
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man
waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment
full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the
art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women
purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better
pictures.
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women.
They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they
think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract
terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use
garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV
in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a
man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is
another reason why men hate him.
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's
using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's just got
five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or
replays.
Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", What
are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.", "Well,maybe he got
it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc. Women, not having this
problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable:
"That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "that was a good
restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on. Women on a
girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out say about
twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more
beer?