Subject: NEW: TSU: Carpool OR A Duck Named Wanda. From: chapman@dixie-net.com Date: Fri, 17 Apr 1998 23:59:27 -0700 DISCLAIMER: Paramount owns NOTHING in this story! Thankyouverymuch!!!!---Jen TSU: Carpool or A Duck Named Wanda SCENE OPENS: A beat-up blue Blazer is barrelling down a pothole invested road at a breakneck speed just as the early morning sky is beginning to lighten with the approach of the sun. A short haired redheaded woman is standing out near a trashcan in a toy littered yard just as the vehicle comes to a rubber peeling stop in front of her, lightly tapping the curb. Stifling a yawn she opens the passenger door and peeks in. OLIVIA: *SNIFF* *SNIFF* JEN: *sigh* I know--it smells like wet dog. The damn ducks keep jumping in the car! OLIVIA: (picking up a white feather on the seat and tossing it away before sitting down) Actually, I was gonna say it smells like Jen-car in here. JEN: (scowling) Funny. My car doesn't always smell like this. OLIVIA: (rolling down window) True--sometimes it smells worse. JEN: (putting vehicle into gear) Bite my ass. OLIVIA: (grinning sleepily) Now, how is THAT going to improve the smell of anything? JEN: Bitch. OLIVIA: Heffer. JEN: YAWN!!!! God, it's early! (hits bump) OLIVIA: (butt lifts off seat) DAMN JEN! (grabs seatbelt) Slow down! JEN: Why? Olivia looks at speedometer. OLIVIA: Oh, maybe because 80mph is a little FAST for a back road? Another HARD bump! This time Olivia grabs the 'Oh Shit' grips with a start. OLIVIA: Want me to drive? JEN: No. OLIVIA: Please? JEN: We're almost there. With this new transporter device RJ had the Autoshop Dept. install, we'll be at TSU in no time. Pats a small terminal on dashboard. JEN: All I have to do is get us to a secluded stretch of road and BAM!!! We're history!!! OLIVIA: (grimacing) As long as I'm the passenger, I would prefer you didn't use the terms BAM! or 'history'. JEN: Shuddup. (turns up radio) OLIVIA: (looking at Jen dryly) Don't you think it's a bit odd that you have a revolutionary device, centuries ahead of our technology mounted on your dashboad...and you don't even have a cassette player? Just this shitty radio that only picks up three stations? JEN: So? BUMP! OLIVIA: Umph! Watch it! So--you could at least get your truck painted, Jen. I mean, if you ever DID decide to wash it, all the paint would peel off! JEN: That's why I never wash it. And it's not a truck, it's a... OLIVIA: ...utlity vehicle. Bullshit, it's a truck. JEN: No, it's not. It's like a big station wagon. OLIVIA: It's a truck. JEN: Whatever. I'm gonna 'port as soon as I take this turn. OLIVIA: SHIT!!! JEN: What now!?! (scowls) OLIVIA: (chagrined) I forgot--Sophie e-mailed me this morning and said her car was in the shop. We have to swing by and pick her up. JEN: Swing by? Olivia--she's in CANADA! OLIVIA: So? We've got plenty of time, right? JEN: (sigh) Fine. Do me a favor and grab that bag and start cleaning out the back seat, will ya? Olivia starts tossing cans and papers from under her feet and shoves a large cloth bag out of the way. OLIVIA: I would if you'd move your big ass purse! JEN: (shoving it out of her side) Toss it in the back. Olivia looks in the back seat. OLIVIA: Damn Jen, what do you do?--Collect taco wrappers as a hobby? JEN: Just grab a sack and start shovelling! Jen quickly punches in Sophie's address and the Blazer begins to glow with an unearthly blue aura. JEN: Here we go! *BOOM*! SCENE SHIFTS: It appears to be a quiet upper class neighborhood somewhere in Canada. Birds are chirping cheerily in the soft pre-dawn light and all is quiet. *BOOM* YEEEEEEEE HAAAAWWWWW!!!!! *BUMP!* SCREEEEEEECH!!!! A small bleach blonde woman with many piercings looks at the beat up Blazer with a great deal of trepidation as it skids to a stop in front of her house. Door opens. JEN: Get in. Sophie looks at her dubiously. SOPHIE: THIS is your truck? JEN: It's not a truck, it's a... OLIVIA: YADDA YADDA YADDA-utility vehicle-get in! SOPHIE: (frowning as she approaches passenger side) It's so ugly! JEN: Shuddap, we're running behind. Olivia gets out and pulls the seat forward so Sophie can get into the back. SOPHIE: *SNIFF* What's that smell?!? OLIVIA: Jen-car. Sophie hops into the back. SOPHIE: Why are there feathers... QUACK!!!! *hisssss* SOPHIE: YIKES!!!! Jen and Olivia both look in the back to see a large white duck hissing angrily at Sophie. JEN: WANDA!!! Dammit--I knew I should have checked the back seat before leaving the house! OLIVIA: Wanna go back? JEN: No time, let's go. I'll just hide her in my dorm until after classes. (grumbles) Damn duck! WANDA: Hisssssss! Quack!wawawawawa! Hissss! SOPHIE: (inching away from it) Does she bite? JEN: Yep. (BUMP!) The duck slides off the seat with a startled hiss and Sophie grabs the back of Olivia's chair. SOPHIE: (whining) I wanna sit in the front then! OLIVIA: SNORT! No way I'M sitting back there---sorry! I know for a fact that Jen has never cleaned this damn thing out! The duck flaps her wings sending feathers, dust, and taco wrappers flying. SOPHIE: WATCH IT!!! Omigawd-eeewwwwww! (peels a taco wrapper off her shirt which leaves a green glop of something on her sleeve) I'M COVERED IN DUCK SHIT! JEN: (glancing back) That's guacamole. SOPHIE: (digging through rubbish and wiping hands and blouse with a few semi-clean napkins) You sure? JEN: (shrugs) Taste it and see. SOPHIE: (gagging noise) I wanna go home! WANDA: QUACKmackackackack!!! JEN: Too late!!! As soon as I make this turn, we're there! SOPHIE: MERDE! I promised Cam I'd pick him up---I didn't have time to tell him my car was in the shop. JEN:*sigh* Got his address? Olivia quickly punches in some numbers. OLIVIA: Let's go. An old woman is crossing the road aided by a walker, when the Blazer turns the corner on two wheels and heads straight for her going 90 mph. WOMAN: SCREEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAMMMMMM!!!!! JEN: Hey, I'll take out the old lady for 50 points!!! SOPHIE AND LIV: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! *BOOM* The Blazer disappears and the old woman is left standing alone in the middle of the street holding her hands over her eyes. WOMAN: (looking around) Huh? (looks about and behind for car) Va t'emmerder!!!!! Bloody American drivers!!!! MERDE!!! (waves walker in the air angrily) *BOOM* Olivia and Sophie are both sitting in silence with their hands over their eyes and their teeth clenched. JEN: Man, I gotta get new wiper blades! For such a little lady, she sure had alot in her! OLIVIA: (peeking through fingers then scowling darkly) Bitch! Open your eyes, Sophie. SOPHIE: (eyes tightly shut) no. OLIVIA: *sigh* We didn't hit anybody. SOPHIE: (opening one eye then the other) You sure? JEN: *CHUCKLE* I kinda like this carpooling thing! Both women swat at her while the startled duck hisses angrily. JEN: HEY!!! Stop it! I'm trying to drive! OLIVIA: And failing miserably! JEN: This his house? SOPHIE: That's it!--See him? JEN: Hold on! Both woman grab at anything solid, whilst the duck, recognizing the words of her mistress ducks low under the seat. A young man with a mohawk holding a large military style duffel bag approaches the curb just as they skid to a stop. CAM: (opening drivers side door) Cool! This your truck? OLIVIA AND SOPHIE: Utility vehicle. Jen gets out and pulls back the seat so he can get in. JEN: (frowning at bag) Hey! We don't have room for that! Cam grins and tosses duffle neatly in back where it shimmies a bit in the impact. CAM: There's always room for jello. JEN: (rolling eyes) Get in! If we leave now, we still might have time to catch tea and muffins at the coffee shop. CAM: (sliding in) *sniff-sniff* Hey, didja ever think of getting some of those little tree things? (tosses head) I got some in my house. JEN: (slamming door) It's the duck. CAM: What duck? WANDA: (spring up flapping wings) QUA-QUA-QUA-QUACK!!!! CAM: (backing up in seat as duck pins him down with a glare) Oh, that duck. JEN: WANDA!! Go lay down! Olivia reaches for the offending fowl and tosses the duck on top of Cam's duffle in the very back. WANDA: (landing on jello with a splat!) HISSSSS! *sniff-sniff* Hmmm? CAM: (seeing duck go for jello) HEY! You little...THAT'S MY JELLO! Wanda merely gives him a ducky grin as she looks up with jello dripping from her beak. JEN: I'll buy you some more Jello, later. CAM: (pouting) But it was lemon jello! Dammit! I was gonna use that this afternoon for the jello gymnastics competition. JEN: Use orange. CAM: (scowling) Lemon has more bounce to it! SOPHIE: (patting his arm) It's okay, sweetie. If you'd like, I could be your partner in the Dom/sub relay race. CAM: (smiling brightly) Really? SOPHIE: Uh-huh, it'd be my pleasure. (wicked wink) I'll even supply the double headed dildos for the couples competition! OLIVIA: (sickened by the display in the back) Oh, I'm gonna barf. JEN: Here we go again---SEATBELTS! There is a mad dash for the restraints as Jen speeds up alarmingly. CAM: WAIT!!! We haven't picked up Raku yet! There is a collective sigh. JEN: Address? *BOOM* SCENE SHIFTS: Raku is standing in the rain holding an umbrella overhead and grumbling. RAKU: Brrrrr! I hate getting wet! CAM! Where the hell are y...? *BOOM* SPLOOSH! JEN: (hopping out and holding back seat) Get in! Raku glares at the shorter, more plump woman as water drips from hir nose. RAKU: This is a revenge thing, right? JEN: (blinking innocently) Why...whatever do you mean? RAKU: Nevermind. Door shuts. RAKU: Do you smell wet dog? QUACK!!! RAKU: YIKES!!! There's a friggin' duck in here! WANDA: Hissss! *snap* CAM: OOOWWW! It bit me!!! SOPHIE: Let it have the jello! RAKU: Do ducks have rabies? CAM: I HAVE RABIES!?! JEN: We're off! RAKU: What about Mary Ellen and Emily? ALL: Shit. *BOOM* The morning is well under way at the Curtin household as Jen patiently waits for Mary to make her way to the car. A little boy is wrapped around her legs as another child jumps up and down for her attention GIRL: Momma! Can I go to Shelley's house--PLEEEZE!?! BOY: Mommamommamommamomma! Mary Ellen is huffing and puffing, trying to reach for the vehicle with all her will, while dragging the one captured foot behind her. RAKU: (taking in scene) She could try gnawing it off. OLIVIA: It wouldn't work. I speak as a woman with two children--he'd just go for the other leg. GIRL: I WANNA GO!!! GOD! You're soooo mean! MARY ELLEN: *huff* Almost there! *whew* JEN: (stepping in) Okay kids--back away from the vehicle! CAM: (hitting head against back of seat) We'll never make it. SOPHIE: (tapping Olivia's shoulder) If I ever decide to have kids--shoot me! OLIVIA: (snorting) Better yet, just babysit my two demons, that will cause your ovaries to shrivel up and die! JEN: Come on, Mary Ellen--you can do it!!! MARY ELLEN: I...can...make...IT!!! Jen grabs the child on Mary's ankle as she lunges into the back seat. Jen sets the child down as the ever-late Dad-type comes into the yard to help out, then gets into the car. HUSBAND: Hey, Mary---Pick me up some paint thinner and q-tips, okay hon? GIRL: But why CAN'T I go?!? BOY: MAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! MARY ELLEN: GO-GO-GO!!!!!! *BOOM* Emily is standing on the porch waiting impatiently and looking at her wrist watch in irritation. EMILY: Come on, people... *BOOM* SCREEEEEEECH! MARY ELLEN: Is it supposed to smell like that? EMILY: (running up to car) You're late! Jen huffs and opens up hatch back. JEN: Get in! Emily looks at overloaded boot. EMILY: This is because I'm not apart of the clique, right? JEN: Just shut up and get in! EMILY: There's a duck back there! JEN: It's either ride back there, or on the hood--your choice. Emily grumbles and hops in the back, settling between the huge bag of Jello, the duck, and some taco fossils. EMILY: It smells like wet orange flavored dog back here! JEN: Here we go---for real!! SCREEEEEECCCHHHH!!!!! Everybody slams forward as they come to a sudden stop. CAM: What happened? SOPHIE: SACRE BLEU!!! You killed another old lady?!? RAKU: (jumping up) I KNEW YOU KILLED ALEXAS! EMILY: (buried under jello bag while a startled duck is sitting on her face) BWAHHHH---HELP! Mary Ellen reaches back and shoves duck off Emily. WANDA: QUACK!!!! *poot* EMILY: OH MAN! DUCK FART! EVERYBODY: Oh, God!!!! RAKU: (nose and eyes watering) Anybody got an air freshener? Jen jumps out of car and runs for convienience store. OLIVIA: JEN!!! GET BACK HERE! JEN: (looking back) Do you KNOW how long it's been since I've seen a 7-11? FOUR YEARS! I'm gettin' a slurpee! CAM: (looking up) Slurpee? There is a mad rush as everyone races for the building. EMILY: Guys? GUYS!?! HEY! Get me a Big Gulp and some nachos! WANDA: Quack? EMILY: (looking down at duck) The duck wants Cornnuts! LATER They are once again on the road, the radio pumpin' full blast and TSU campus in sight, slurpin' away. JEN AND LIV: (singing...badly) I'M A BITCH! SOPHIE AND CAM: I'M A LOVER... MARY ELLEN AND RAKU: I'M A CHILD, I'M A MOTHER... EMILY: I'M A SINNER, I'M A SAINT- ALL: I DO NOT FEEL ASHAMED!!! JEN: (grabbing head) OWWW! Cold headache!! OLIVIA: Watch out! SCREEEEECH!!!! BUMP! Sophie bounces off seat. SOPHIE: Does it always bump like that when she brakes!?! OLIVIA: Wait until she switches gears... Standing less than an inch from the bumper is a very pissed off dominatrix in Doc Martens swishing a bull whip back and forth. AUNT RUTH: YOU ARE LATE!!! Do you realize the pun...*sniff* Is Greywolf with you? The door opens and the duck scrambles out with a squawk and a flapping of wings. Jen and the rest pile out as well. JEN: Sorry, Aunt Ruth we... WANDA: Quack! RUTH: (dropping whip) Hello, little ducky. Qua-qua-qua-qua-qua!!! The duck walks over and nips her on the finger. RUTH: OWW! (eyes light up) Hey, can I have this? (turns away) Atara, honey, look what I got for us!!! JEN: No-WAIT- that's my... OLIVIA: (grabbing her arm) Give her the duck! Ruth picks up Wanda and hurries off toward where her wife is standing. JEN: But that's my Dad's favorite duck! RAKU: You have enough friggin' ducks! Let her have the damn thing! CAM: (rushing off) MARY! What time is it? MARY ELLEN: (eyes widening as she looks at watch) SHIT! I'm twenty minutes late for my lecture!!! Let's worry about the duck later! Everybody rushes off to class. EMILY: (tapping on glass) Guys? GUYS!?! HELP!!!!!!! SCENE FADES TO BLACK PS: Yes, I do have a duck named Wanda who likes to ride in cars, and yes, I do drive a stank blue Blazer which Olivia does assure me, smells like 'Jen-car'. Thank you---Jen