This story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and 
incidents are either products of the author's imagination or are used 
fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, 
living or dead, is entirely coincidental.  

STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE is a Registered Trademark ® of Paramount 
Pictures.
Copyright (c) 1996 by Paramount Pictures. All Rights Reserved. No 
infringement was meant.

"Hallucinations" copyright (c) 1996 by BGM   

Note 1)  This is a little parody I just threw together. It's silly, 
it's stupid, it's short but hey . . . I'm in it so I like it!  *Wry 
smile*

~~~

FADE IN

[GARAK's quarters. Camera fixed aside a wall where BASHIR enters 
rather abruptly into view. He slams against the wall as GARAK presses 
against him. A frenzy of kisses ensues, while BASHIR throws back his 
head in mounting ecstasy. Yet we notice that GARAK's heart is 
evidently not into this. Finally, he pulls away] 

			GARAK [waving his hands]
	All right, HOLD IT! Time out . . .

			SOPHIE [groans over her keyboard]
	What *is* it Garak? Really, I don't have time for this. You know 
I hate it when you break out of character like that. 

			GARAK [turns away from a frozen BASHIR and places 
his hands on his hips]
	Well I'm sorry but I can't work under these conditions.

			SOPHIE [throws her head back]
	Oh listen to the martyr! I give you day after day of passionate 
sex with a gorgeous young man, and all you can find to do is complain!

			GARAK [folds his arms]
	About that . . . Aren't you getting tired of always writing me 
in the same situations? 

			SOPHIE [frowns]
	What the hell is that supposed to mean? I put an extra effort to 
*vary* the situations. What -- you want to do it in Ops now? Cuz 
that's about the only place I haven't *touched* yet.

			GARAK [shaking his head]
	But it's always the same premise, Sophie. The doctor and I start 
off being friends, then by some random event which is usually 
initiated by *me*, we end up exhausting ourselves for one entire 
night. You're so predictable!

			SOPHIE [scornfully]
	And here I thought you *appreciated* gratuitous smut. What do 
you want from me? My imagination isn't exactly rampant these days.   

			GARAK [snort]
	I noticed.

			SOPHIE [leans forward menacingly]
	Watch it. I can delete you with a press of a button.

			GARAK [curls his lips]
	You won't do that. You live for these things. [Sighs] And . . .  
all right, I can't deny the fact that I'm somewhat satisfied with how 
you deal with me, but you keep changing my roles at a whim! It's very 
stressful. Even *I* can't keep up with all these personalities.

			SOPHIE [dubious]
	What personalities? There's only one Garak, and that's you. I 
may not be the most extraordinary writer there is, but at least I have 
you in character.

			GARAK [nods sarcastically as he sinks into a chair]
	Really? Funny how it doesn't seem that way from my end. Why 
can't you take example from your lady friends? The ones who write 
*real* fiction.

			SOPHIE [annoyed]
	If you're not happy in my stories, feel free to leave.

			GARAK [waving a finger]
	Don't worry, I *am* considering it.  

			SOPHIE [shocked]
	You can't do that! I'll have to start over.

			GARAK
	Not a totally ludicrous idea if you ask me. And perhaps this 
time you can find yourself some sort of style and stick with it!

			SOPHIE
	Look, I just started with slash fiction so don't bug me. I 
haven't found a style yet.

			GARAK [flustered]
	Well find one! All you do is type up situations. I have to 
*live* through them, remember? I don't mind your stories individually, 
but you have no idea how industrious it is to completely change my 
personality to accommodate your fleeting whims!

			SOPHIE
	At least give me *time* to look for a style. Not my fault if I 
like 'em all.

			GARAK [wryly]
	You can't have it all dear. Vignettes are fine, but they get 
boring after a while. Try doing an epic for once, then *stick* with 
the style.

			SOPHIE [desperately]
	I can't! You know how I am with epics. I start one, and I don't 
finish it. Then you get pissed, Julian cries, and I feel like shit for 
letting you both hang like that! [Quickly] Don't even think about it.

			GARAK [throws his hands exasperatly]
	Would you look at what I have to work with. [Sighs] Sophie, why 
don't you do like your fellow authors?

			SOPHIE [frowns]
  	What do you mean?

			GARAK
	Every one of them has a style! Working with them is a joy, 
because I can quickly fit into my role. And they get so diversified 
and different it's never tedious. 

			SOPHIE [still not getting it]
	I really don't understand you.

			GARAK [mutters]
	Of course not. [Sighs and nods understandingly] All right, so 
you're just starting, I'll give you that. You don't exactly have all 
the experience in the world. But pray make an effort, please? And for 
Great Gul's sake, stimulate your imagination. Finish what you start! 

			SOPHIE [grimaces at her screen]
	I'll try my best Sir. Can I resume the story now?

			GARAK [exasperated]
	Youth. [Turns sharply to her] You know, you could *try* to put a 
little more enthusiasm into this. 

			SOPHIE 
	Garak, I wouldn't even be *writing* about you if I didn't want 
to. And believe me, you don't make it easy! I'd like to see what 
happens if everyone found out what a pain in the ass you really are. 
Kinda put a damper on that charming well-mannered facade you always 
put up, wouldn't it?  

			GARAK [blinks innocently]
	I'm only a pain in the ass for you my dear.

			SOPHIE [snorts]
	I'm flattered.

			GARAK [smiles]
	You should be. 

			SOPHIE 
	Makes you wonder why I even bother making your life a seeming 
paradise. 

			GARAK [sweetly as he strikes a pose]
	Because you love me.

			SOPHIE [frowns]
	Because you're intriguing.

			GARAK [leans forward with eyelids provocatively 
lowered]
	Because I'm irresistible.

			SOPHIE [giggles]
	Now you're flattering yourself.

			GARAK [surprised]
	Don't I deserve it?

			SOPHIE [shakes her head]
	Not when it comes from you.

			GARAK [evidently pleased]
	Ah! Then I would deserve it were it to come from . . . you?

			SOPHIE 
	I wouldn't hold my breath.

			GARAK [shrugs]
	You don't have to say anything. The simple fact that you're 
attached to your computer and spending every free minute on sweet old 
me is proof enough. Admit it. You're madly in love with me.

			SOPHIE [blushes]
	Julian is. I write about it.

			GARAK
	And enjoying every minute of it.

			SOPHIE [nodding]
	That's why I do it.

			GARAK [widens eyes]
	Ah! A confession!

			SOPHIE [snorts]
	Hardly. 

			GARAK
	Ah come now. I know a confession when I hear one. I've listened 
to them all my life.

			SOPHIE [disturbed]
	Let's not bring your past into this shall we? I have enough 
difficulty inventing one without trying to figure out the *real* one.

			GARAK
	All part of the air of intrigue I broadcast.

			SOPHIE
	Which can be a nuisance.

			GARAK [pouts]
	Oh Sophie, keep on talking like that and I'll start thinking you 
don't *like* me anymore.

			SOPHIE [narrows her eyes]
	I seriously wonder what Julian sees in you.

			GARAK
	You're the one who's writing about the relationship. Explain it 
to me. 

			SOPHIE [frowns]
	Oh, so if nobody would be writing slash on you guys, you 
wouldn't be attracted to him at all?

			GARAK
	My dear, I've *always* been attracted to doctor Bashir. Only 
recently have I had some trouble *seeing* him. [Tsks] Damn frustrating 
to be bounced back and forth like that. I do wish my 'professional' 
creators would settle onto something. I've even heard some disturbing 
rumors about what they'll be doing with me and Ziyal. [Shudders, but 
quickly retrieves a smile] But now thanks to you and the other 
delightful slash sisters, I can go through very interesting 
experiences with him.

			SOPHIE
	So why the hell are you whining?

			GARAK [eyes twinkling]
	It got your attention, didn't it? You're learning aren't you? So 
don't *you* complain.

			SOPHIE [exasperatly]
	Can I go now?

			GARAK [innocently]
	So soon?

			SOPHIE
	You may not have the perception of time in there, but I do. And 
I'm tired. I want to go to bed. [Leans forward to close computer]

			GARAK [reaches out]
	Wait! One more thing. This has become somewhat of an irritation 
lately; could you do me the courtesy to wait until there's nothing 
particularly interesting going on in your story before taking a break? 
It annoys me no end to have you stop while I'm . . . close to the 
edge. It's terribly frustrating to wait while you indulge in a phone 
conversation! 
	
			SOPHIE [smiles wickedly]
	Well . . . what makes you think I don't *enjoy* making you wait?

			GARAK [shocked]
	Oh you are an evil woman.

			SOPHIE
	I have to if I want to deal with you properly. 	

			GARAK [flutters his eyelashes]
	I'm quite easy to deal with if you know how.

			SOPHIE
	You know, you better watch that mouth of yours. A few buttons 
pushed and Bashir could be ramming his tongue down . . . [evily] 
Worf's throat.	

			GARAK [gasps]
	You wouldn't. 

			SOPHIE [narrowing her eyes]
	Try me. 

			GARAK [pause]
	Fine. Torment me and torture me if it fulfills your perverse 
little desires. 

			SOPHIE [nods appreciatively]
	Thank you. Don't mind if I do.

			GARAK [harumphs and folds his arms]
	The others never treat me like this.

			SOPHIE
	Well maybe someone ought to.

			GARAK [waves his hand]
	You can go now.

			SOPHIE [mockingly surprised]
	I can? Really? You mean that? [Sobers and catches his attention] 
One question before I leave.

			GARAK [finding interest in the ceiling]
	I'll try to enlighten you.

			SOPHIE
  	What *is* the deal with Tain?

			GARAK [twinkle in his eyes]
	Ah my dear -- if I told you, my air of intrigue that you so love 
would be compromised. [Leans in and whispers confidentially] Though if 
you make me a happy Cardassian, I *might* consider breathing a clue to 
you]

			SOPHIE
	You're too gracious.

			GARAK [grins]
	Aren't I? Well then, go to bed and ponder upon what has been 
said here. I really want you to find yourself a style now. [SOPHIE 
presses the button just as GARAK is yelling] And more sex! I 
definitely wouldn't mind more sex!

[SOPHIE blinks in the ensuing darkness, and wonders if this was all a 
dream. Yawning, she shrugs dismissively and retreats to bed while 
GARAK carries on unheeded with BASHIR]

THE END