TITLE: For You AUTHOR: Kathryn Ramage EMAIL: kramage@erols.com SUMMARY: A sequel to The Claiming. When Garak takes his revenge and kills the Obsidian-Order agent who kidnapped and tortured Dr. Bashir, the doctor is forced to re-evaluate their budding relationship. RATING: PG +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ This is the first sequel I've written for a story I wrote titled "The Claiming." In that story, an Obsidian-Order agent named Entek (featured in the third-season episode, "Second Skin") kidnapped Bashir, and Garak rescued him. Oh, and our boys are married now. I'm giving this story a PG for the implicit--but not explicit--m/m situation. Place it right at the end of "Second Skin." Kit +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ For You (DS9, G/B PG) Copyright May 1997 by Kathryn Ramage ~~~~~ Marriage to Garak: it was a new kind of relationship, a new kind of lover, a new kind of sex. A new living arrangement too--they had moved into quarters together, a suite as spacious as Sisko's or the O'Briens'. These were huge adjustments to make all at once, so that even though he went to the same work every day and saw the same people, and he met Garak for lunch as if they were still just friends, Julian Bashir felt as if he had entered a whole new life. For more than a month, since he and Garak had agreed to live by the promises they had made under rather strange and coerced circumstances, Julian had alternated between an absurdly bridal thrill of discovery and the dread certainty that this was the most stupid thing he had ever done. Tonight, as he curled on the couch and waited for Garak to come home, Julian was definitely in the second category. He had made his own decision. Garak wouldn't have forced him to keep vows made in ignorance; he hadn't even wanted to tell him what the Claiming had meant. It would have been easy enough to dissolve the marriage or maintain it merely as a legal fiction, but _he_ had chosen this relationship. _He_ had insisted on bringing it out into the open. Just after he'd revealed the truth about the Claiming ceremony to Sisko, his commander had invited him into the wardroom for a private conference. Ostensibly, this was the standard talk given to any officer who was about to marry a non-Federation citizen, but in truth Sisko gently tried to discourage him. There were questions Sisko wanted him to consider: How legal was the marriage? The modern Cardassian contract of conjugal union was an elaborate matter, almost impossible to get out of. However, the ancient ceremony, which he had unwittingly performed with Garak, was a simple matter of an oath-taking before witnesses. It was probably not binding under the unusual circumstances but, even if it were recognized by Cardassia, Federation law would not accept it. Did he want to take the necessary steps to ensure its legality? What about citizenship issues? Spousal rights? And what about Garak's enemies? Garak had explained that the marriage was actually meant to protect Bashir from the Obsidian Order, but did they have any real assurance that he was safe? Even if the Order did honor their own unspoken codes, surely there were those who wouldn't know or care about Obsidian-Order rules of conduct--people like Dukat, who would delight in hurting Garak by hurting him. Was Julian prepared for _that_ possibility? Had he thought through the ramifications of becoming involved with a possible spy--and even if Garak wasn't a spy, had he considered difficulties he would have to face every day married to a Cardassian when he lived on a Bajoran-owned space station and worked with so many people who had painful memories of the Federation/Cardassian war? Was he prepared for the hostility he would have to endure even from those who didn't dislike Garak for personal reasons? Had he considered the possibility that Garak intended to use his new intimacy with a Starfleet officer as a means of gaining access to privileged information? Bashir might not think himself a security risk, but Sisko informed him bluntly that Starfleet Intelligence would see him as dangerously vulnerable. For his own safety, the commander would have to lower Bashir's security clearance to Level 3, with higher level access only granted at his express permission. Would he accept those restrictions? And, if Julian was determined to pursue this relationship in spite of all these problems, how far "out" did he want to be? At that time, the marriage had been known only to Bashir, Garak, Sisko and certain members of the Obsidian Order. When did Bashir want Starfleet to be officially informed? Would he tell his family? His co- workers here on the station? Starfleet would have to know, and no doubt Admiral Nechayev would want to talk to him personally then. And Bashir had barely spoken to his parents in years and would rather not contact them just to tell them about _this_. As far as his friends were concerned, he agreed to make a private announcement. He didn't like the idea of secrecy, as if he had something to be ashamed of, and, besides, once he and Garak moved in together everyone would have questions anyway. Not surprisingly, his announcement caused a rift with his friends. Kira was disgusted with him; she made it clear she considered his relationship with Garak a betrayal of the Bajorans he had come to DS9 to aide. Miles was still in shock. Odo, like Sisko, was suspicious of Garak's intentions. Dax's teasing response, "Oh, I had a feeling about you two!" was more supportive, even though it gave Julian a disconcerting clue as to why she had never taken him seriously. And there was a distinct chill in the tones of his Bajoran nurses and patients when they spoke to him lately. Everyone had tried to talk him out of it, but he was in love, impervious to advice and defiant of public disapproval. The opposition only made him more determined. He'd gone with his impulses. He'd wanted to be married. Although, he had never imagined that marriage--even to a man--would be like this. He had always thought that whomever he married would have to understand that his duties as a Starfleet officer would sometimes take precedence over any personal obligations. His spouse would stay home and wait anxiously while he went off on dangerous missions and exciting adventures. He'd spent the last three days waiting and fretting while Garak was off with Sisko and Odo on a mission to retrieve Major Kira from the Obsidian Order--much as they had gone to rescue him. When they'd returned with the major, he'd spent grueling hours in surgery, restoring Kira's natural Bajoran physiognomy after the Order had altered her to appear Cardassian. And, while he was giving Sisko his status report on her condition, his commander had told him something which had shocked him out of his fatigue: Entek had been in charge of the plan to kidnap Kira, and Garak had taken the opportunity to kill him. It was nearly 0200 hours and Julian was exhausted, but he couldn't go to bed until he had a chance to talk to Garak about this. He'd seen Garak only for a moment when the rescue party had returned, and he'd been too busy to keep track of him after that. He hadn't been home when Julian had come in. Was this relationship a mistake? They knew so little about each other. In truth, he really had no idea what kind of man he had decided to spend his life with. It was impossible to reconcile everything he knew about Garak. The pieces of that puzzle did not fit together. They never had: Garak had been a mass of contradictions from the beginning, but knowing him more intimately had only provided Bashir with more baffling paradoxes. These past weeks, he had seen a man whose existence he'd never imagined. Who would have thought that Garak could be tender, affectionate, even sweet? Garak touched him, as if he needed to prove to himself that he could: Julian never knew when he might feel the tailor's sensitive fingers stroke the curls at the nape of his neck, or be taken up in one of those embraces that squeezed him breathless, or pulled down to sit in Garak's lap in the middle of a conversation. Garak was extremely protective of him while he recovered from his ordeal. He made love to him so gently, as if he were afraid of damaging a fragile and precious thing. When Julian woke in the middle of the night with his heart pounding and his breath coming in short bursts, he always had the security of being drawn against that broad, smooth-scaled chest and lulled back to sleep by that slower-than-human heartbeat. It was difficult enough to match _this_ Garak with his maddeningly elusive lunch companion. How could he reconcile the man who handled him so lovingly with the remorseless, even flippant, killer? As he sat and waited, one thought kept repeating in his head: *I don't know who you are!* Ah, but that was why he had found Garak so fascinating in the first place, wasn't it? The prospect of all those mysteries to be unraveled. The challenge of discovering the true person behind all the lies. The delight of finding the Garak revealed just for him. Had he finally discovered that person, or was this tender, protective lover only another disguise? Garak had played so many roles for him: the plain and simple tailor, the man of danger and mystery, the spy, the exile. Was his current role as Julian's husband any closer to the real Garak than any other persona assumed? Did the person he was in love with exist at all--or had he and Garak created this illusion together at a time when he needed someone who made him feel safe? Anyone could be pushed to commit murder under extreme circumstances. Julian thought of that incident in another universe--the mirror-Odo exploding in a splatter of orange-colored goo. The memory still made him sick with horror all these months later. He could kill if he had to, but he could never hold matters of life and death as cavalierly as Garak seemed to. They were impossibly different; even ordinary conversation revealed that their ideas on fundamental philosophical, moral and social concepts were so disparate that if they ever confronted each other over their differences, they might never be able to bridge the chasm. If he confronted Garak over the murder of Entek, they would have to acknowledge their essential incompatibility. Their relationship might end over it. Yet, how could he overlook it? Garak came in. He was surprised to find Julian still up--and in a flash of comprehension, the doctor understood that Garak had been out so late in hopes that he would have already gone to bed before he came home. An unidentifiable expression flickered on the tailor's face before he decided to smile. He gave Julian a casual kiss and trailed fingers over his shoulder as he passed the sofa on his way to the replicator. Julian wasn't going to scold him about this delay, nor ask for an explanation. He would not let himself be distracted by a pointless quarrel. Twisting around to face Garak over the back of the sofa, he got right to the point. "You killed him." Garak tasted the drink he had ordered, and regarded him for a moment before answering. "Yes. Does that surprise you? I said I would--surely you didn't think I was _lying_?" Julian snorted in a burst of ironic laughter. There were times when he enjoyed this type of banter, but he didn't want to play games right now. Garak seemed to appreciate that he was in no mood for word-play, for he added in more serious tones: "If it's any comfort to you, dear boy, he aimed a disrupter at the major and myself and would undoubtably have killed us if I hadn't shot him first. It was an act of self- defense." "Commander Sisko didn't tell me that," Julian answered suspiciously. "The commander had gone on ahead. He didn't see what happened. No doubt, Major Kira and Odo will confirm my version of events." He paused. "Julian, I am telling you the truth." Julian couldn't meet his eyes. "You still don't trust me." "I trust you," he answered. "But sometimes I don't believe you." "I can prove to you-" Julian shook his head. "If you say you were acting in self-defense and Major Kira and Odo can verify that, then I believe that _that_ must be true. But you would have killed him anyway, wouldn't you? Whether or not he gave you a good excuse." "Hhm." A non-committal murmur. "Wouldn't you?" Garak leaned on the back of the sofa and handed Julian his glass so he could put both arms around the doctor's shoulders. He spoke softly against his ear. "Do you think it's easy for me to see how he's hurt you? No one admires your resiliency more than I, but you know you are not fully recovered from Entek's mistreatment. You may not be for a long time." He _was_ still recovering from his kidnapping and torture. Too many nights, he awoke with his heart thumping and his skin sweat-slick, and he had to tell himself: "It's over. You're home. You're safe." The first time Garak had taken him to bed, the tailor had sent him into a panic by telling him to "relax"; Julian had heard Entek, laughing at him, in that single word. Since then, he'd experienced that same moment of panic several times--when a word or touch triggered a memory--and he knew that Garak added another item to the mental catalog of things not to say and ways not to touch him. There were physical scars as well. His medical staff had done a commendable job of removing the traces of his torture, but some of the welts on his back had been left as open wounds for days before he received treatment. Scar tissue had already begun to form and there was only so much a dermal regenerator could do. A thin, raised line, approximately five centimeters long, ran across his right hip; only a shade or two more pale than his natural skin tone, it was more easily felt than seen. A whitish fleck, also raised, could be found at the base of his neck. There were other scars on his back; he couldn't see them, even when he looked over his shoulder in the bathroom mirror, but he felt Garak's fingers trace them. How often had he seen Garak's face harden in anger at how he had been marred? No, Garak had never forgotten the things Entek had done to him. He'd plotted his revenge all along. "You feel more safe knowing that he's dead, don't you?" "Yes," reluctantly. "After what he did to you, you can't say you're sorry he'll never be able to hurt you again?" "No, but-" "It would have been necessary eventually. Entek could not be relied upon to keep his word. Do you think he would have ever left us alone? I have been acquainted with his character for some time and, believe me, if he had a flaw it was that he was never able to recognize when he'd lost." Garak slipped around the couch and sat down--not beside him, but facing him across the low table in one of the chairs he had brought from his old quarters. "At heart, you're as happy to see him dead as I was to kill him, but your Federation sensibilities won't allow you to admit that, even to yourself. You shrink from the only logical solution to our problem. Entek threatened us--he threatened _you_. He had to be stopped. Really, my dear, I am sincerely astonished that you're so distressed over this." Garak spoke as if they were engaged in one of their intellectual debates over a literary or abstract moral point, but for Julian the issue was more personal. "Come off it!" he snapped. "You knew I'd be upset-- that's why you were off hiding at your shop or Quark's or god-knows-where `til the middle of the night!" "I wanted to give you time to calm down," Garak answered. "I thought you might be emotional. You always refuse to look at these matters reasonably. I can't blame you for it--it's your human upbringing." "You commit deliberate murder-" "I did it for you!" the tailor insisted, as if this ought to explain everything. Perhaps for him it did. Julian pressed his lips tightly together. "I never asked you to. I never wanted you to. I'd hoped you'd left that life long ago." "Julian, I don't know how many times I've told you-" He knew that tone: Garak was about to protest that he had never been an agent of the Obsidian Order. Julian didn't believe it for a minute. The lie was ridiculous. Incredible audacity that Garak thought he could get away with it! Garak had once been like Entek. Julian shuddered inwardly at the thought, but it was a conclusion he couldn't help arriving at. He recalled the way Garak had examined his injuries when he'd rescued him from Entek's interrogation cell--that expert touch, professionally assessing the extent of the damage. Garak had no medical training; he had gained that physiological knowledge for purposes that had nothing to do with healing. Garak had tortured people, probably in those same rooms where Entek had interrogated him. He had once been as meticulously cruel, undermining his subjects' will, breaking them just as efficiently as Entek had broken him- No, Garak had probably been better at it. And yet, for whatever reasons, voluntarily or unwillingly, Garak had turned away from that brutal life. He had changed--Julian liked to think he had something to do with that. He had to believe he had _some_ influence over Garak; their acquaintance had made the exile a better man. His love had taught him compassion. Garak might think this murder a token of his devotion, but to Bashir it only meant the Cardassian had not changed as much as he'd hoped. Killing Entek only showed how close Garak remained to that life he'd left behind. "My response to the situation was perfectly natural," Garak was saying. "And not exclusively Cardassian in nature. Revenge is natural for humans too. Your literature is filled with it. A few hundred years of peaceful coexistence," these last two words were heavy with sarcasm, "can't entirely expunge the desire to avenge wrongs committed against those you love. Do you think Commander Sisko wouldn't have done the same if his son were in danger, or Chief O'Brien if his daughter or Mrs O'Brien were threatened?" "It may be a natural desire," Julian answered, "but it's barbaric. We're civilized people. Our societies have laws so that people don't have to hunt down their enemies to protect their families. We can't take justice into our own hands." "If you have been expecting any other sort of justice, my love, you will have a long wait," Garak told him very seriously. "Since Entek kidnapped you to fulfill a personal vendetta and never officially charged you with a crime against the Cardassian state, there is no record to prove that you were a prisoner of the Order. The Cardassian government denies that you were ever in Obsidian-Order custody." "How do you know this?" "I know. Commander Sisko has registered a formal protest, but it's very likely nothing will ever be done." "He didn't tell me." "We agreed it was best not to distress you with it." _We_ agreed. Once, not so long ago, Garak had employed him as a means of conveying sensitive information to Sisko. Now, they apparently talked around him. They talked about him. "He's expressed a great deal of concern over your nightmares." He had even told Sisko about that. It was an odd alliance. Sisko and Garak didn't like each other, but their mutual concern for him had forced them into a closer relationship. The commander, always protective of his people, had shown a great deal of fatherly interest in his doctor's welfare these past weeks. Apparently, Garak had kept Sisko up-to-date on his recovery and Sisko, in turn, had kept Garak informed as he attempted to have Cardassia account for Entek's crimes. He must be as angry and frustrated as Garak over the lack of legal recourse. Suddenly, Bashir saw Sisko's telling him about the death of Entek in a new light. His commander had not wanted to upset him by telling him what Garak had done; he'd wanted Bashir to know that justice, however rough, had been obtained and that he need never be afraid of Entek threatening him again. "I suppose Commander Sisko thinks I'll sleep better now," he ventured. "We didn't discuss it," Garak answered, "but I wouldn't be surprised." "He would have done the same thing, wouldn't he?" "I couldn't say. He's wasn't exactly overcome with grief when he learned what had happened. He's very fond of you, you know, and this business with Entek...troubled him. If _he_ had been called upon to shoot our old acquaintance, I don't think he would have hesitated. None of your friends would." Garak was right about that: the desire for vengeance was not exclusively Cardassian. Sisko, O'Brien, people he knew, respected, trusted, felt the same way. They would not have hunted Entek down for his sake, but they would have killed him as readily. Humans like himself, they understood and sympathized with Garak's motives. Yet it had never occurred to Julian to want his tormentor dead. He'd wanted to escape Entek, of course. He'd wanted to see him punished. He would have liked to be certain he was safe from further harm. But that hatred, that desire to seek revenge, was simply not in him. "Am I the only one who thinks this is wrong?" he asked. "Am I being terribly naive?" "Oh, yes," Garak answered. "But it's one of your more endearing qualities." The tailor loitered at the open doorway to the bedroom, smiling in sympathy at his obvious perplexity. "It's late, my love. Come to bed. We aren't going to settle this tonight." They might never. The chasm threatened to open between them if Bashir pursued this argument. He could end this relationship right now if he persisted. But he was not yet ready to take that step. Julian sighed and followed Garak in. THE END