Ode To A Toaster


'Twas the night before Sunday,
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Except for that mouse

Who snuck into our toaster
To steal him some crumbs!
Might call him a CAT Burglar,
{The RAT was a BUM!}

It was quiet and peaceful
That Saturday night,
Until hubby decided
To fix a late night bite.

He thought he'd have toast,
But, when he pressed the lever down,
The silence was broken
By this loud 'squealing' sound!

Seems the little mouse had no defense
Only persecution,
And was sentenced to sudden death
By ELECTROCUTION!

When Hubby called out to me,
I could hear his great distress.
"Honey, could you please come down,
And pleeease clean up this mess?"

Surely, he MUST be kidding!
"You wand me to do WHAT?
There's no way I'll use it now,
Just throw the darned thing out!

"Do you know just how much
A toaster cost these days?
I'll clean it up myself," He said.
"If you're goin' to be that way!"

Well, for over an hour,
He scraped and he scrubbed,
Then doused the whole thing
In a hot soapy tub!

"You're just wasting your time!!"
I repeatedly said.
"We could get ELECTROCUTED,
Or even drop dead!"

"Oh, you're just being silly!
  It's safe now," He'd boast.
Even though (he said) he still used it,
I vowed to NEVER eat toast!

And when the kids would ask me,
For a toaster pop up treat,
I'd tell them toasting stunts their growth
And to try them raw, they can't be beat!

"I think the toaster's safe to use,"
I told a friend of mine.
"After all it's been six months
And Hubby seems just fine."

I kept chatting with her
That morning on the phone,
As I made toast for myself,
Just me and the kids were home.

I put the bread into the slot,
Then pressed the lever down.
First it spattered, then it smoked,
Soon flames shot all around!

My friend thought I had lost my mind,
As I screamed at her abrupt,
"CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT!
BUT DON'T YOU DARE HANG UP!"

"Wait there just a moment dear,
Someone's at my door!"
How could she just leave me here
Facing death, or even more?

The short time that she was gone,
To me seemed more like a year.
"That was the mail man,
He said to pull the plug out dear."

I just couldn't reach it,
Despite my strong desire.
Without barbecuing myself,
Or setting the house on fire!

Then I spied the tea pot and said,
"I'll drown those darn ol' flames!"
My friend screamed "YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
GIRL, YOU ARE INSANE!"

Well, that brought me to my senses,
And I restored my calm.
Extinguished those dang ol' flames,
Soon all the flames were gone!

Mercy made me pull the plug,
And toss it out of the house!
There's no way that I'll believe
It's not haunted by that mouse!

Take that! You dang ol' toaster,
Good riddance to you too!
Then I remembered Mr. Tightwad!
Gosh! What is he going to do?

I thought that if I cleaned it up
He wouldn't notice anything went wrong.
But when I went out to get it. . . .
The gosh darned thing was gone!

Did it sprout little feet
And simply walk away?
Is this de ja vous, or what?
Seems more like vous ja de!

It seems that my little boy
Was behind the mystery.
He gave it to some 'big kid',
Now getting it back was up to me!

Well, I ran down towards the play yard
School children were out at play.
I didn't know just what to do,
Or what on earth I'd say.

I spied a teacher with his class
Coming from the yard,
"Excuse me Sir, boys and girls."
Believe me, this was hard!

"Uhhhh, While you were playing,
Did anyone happen to see a toaster?"
'A WHAT?' A toaster Sir,
I thought he'd die from laughter!


Both of us were surprised
When we heard one kid shout,
"Yeah! We played kick ball with a toaster,
But some teacher threw it out!"

Well, wouldn't you just know it,
It was trash day in our town.
There must have been a hundred cans,
Scattered all around!

Well, I'm not garbage picking!
I really had enough!
And I don't care what Hubby says!
It's time that I get tough!

"Now you are not going to believe me,
And I don't care if you won't!"
Then told him the whole crazy story,
He said:"YOU'RE RIGHT! I DON'T!"

"I know this toaster is safe to use,"
I told that friend of mine.
"After all it is brand new
 This one will be just fine!"

I kept chatting with her
That morning on the phone.
As I made breakfast for myself,
Just me and the kids were home

I put the bread into the slot
Then pressed the lever down.
First it spattered, then it smoked!
Soon flames shot all around!

My friend knew I had finally lost it,
When she heard me say...........
CALL THOSE MEN IN THE CLEAN WHITE COATS!
Then tell them to please
TAKE ME AWAY!