Chapter 10: Realization

“You sound so shocked to hear my voice! I guess I should be asking you what’s up...” Taylor speculated.

“Oh, um, you know same old...,” I was still panicking inside and trying to grasp the right words was more than hard, “How’s Zac doing?” My real pain surfaced.

“How do you think he feels?” Taylor became defensive, “He was shut down by his long-time best friend and love of his life!”

“Taylor, that’s not fair!” I protested.

“I know, oh Sam, I didn’t mean that, I’m sorry.”

I was silent. What could I say? Was this why he was calling me? To torture me!

“It’s just that,” Taylor started again, “Me and Zac have been fighting a lot lately. It’s not really your fault though. I didn’t mean to blame you. It’s not just what happened between me and you and you and him, there are other things too.”

“Okay, what else is there?” I wondered.

“Well, nothing as big as THAT whole thing, but we just had this photo shoot the other day for the album and the photographers kept putting me in front. It’s not just the spotlight thing, but I’m becoming the lead singer, the record producers cut the only two songs that Zac had lead on from the album list. He only sings one lead on the album now and it’s with me, and I feel bad for him and all, but his voice isn’t as strong and I don’t know what to tell him.”

“Wow... well did you say anything to him?”

“Well yeah, I told him to quit whining and the photo shoot would be over sooner. Not the best thing to say, but he was being such a nuisance.”

“Yeah, probably not. You’ve just got to apologize. Make a joke out of the stupid photographers. Promise him that he will get to sing some of his songs on tour for once. Maybe he could do Lucy?”

“You make it all seem so easy!” Taylor astonished.

“It could be.”

“You’re right. I’m totally amazed because the answer, the perfect answer, came to you so fast when all I could think of was to let things slide and get worse.”

The doorbell rang. Jarred and Billy must be here.

“I’m glad I could help, but I have to go,” I curtailed the conversation.

“So soon? Where are you off to?” Taylor questioned longingly.

“I, I..” I didn’t know what to tell him and I could hear the front door close, they were downstairs.

“Sam,” Taylor detected it in my voice, “Are you going on a date?”

“I’ll tell you about it later, don’t say anything to Zac..” I shook just imagining what Zac could think if he knew about Billy.

“I’ll call you tomorrow Sam.” And with that, Taylor was gone. I still didn’t quite understand why he was calling me but had no time to think. I looked in the mirror quickly as I grabbed my bag and ran out my door. The feeling of parading down the stairs to a boy was all too familiar. However the boy I approached tonight was not familiar. How I longed for Zac’s face to appear! I wanted to feel his lips against my own, his arms wrapped around my body. I had to snap out of this. I looked to Billy and Jarred and smiled. My smile was returned by two flat smiles. They just reminded me more and more of how this wasn’t right. Being with Billy was only about to make me realize how much I missed Zac because Billy isn’t Zac and comes no where near a replacement.

“Ready?” Jarred asked me.

“Yep,” I replied and followed him and Billy out to the car. The car ride to the movies was, thankfully, short. This pleased me because Jarred’s car was small and he was blaring some awful punk rock radio station. I couldn’t even make out lyrics to the songs because the volume was probably past the hearing loss decibel.

“Thanks for the ride,” Billy slammed the car door and dismissed Jarred who sped off.

Neither Billy nor I spoke until we were seated in the theater, “Why are you so quiet?” He asked me. The question seemed rather unfair to me especially when he hadn’t said anything until that moment either.

“I thought you were the quiet one,” I remarked.

“I’m not. Talk to me,” Billy replied in a rather boastful manner.

“Okay..” I began, “What kind of music do you like?”

“Green Day, Creed, Buckcherry. What about you babe?”

“A lot of stuff really, from Aerosmith to Sarah McLaughlin to Hanson...” I trailed off, the word stung my ears.

“Hanson?” He asked, looking somewhat disgusted, “Why?”

“They have good music! I grew up on it, I used to live down the road from them!” I defended.

“Oh, well whatever,” Billy remarked as he put his arm around me. I rolled my eyes and focused my negative energy on the ‘Welcome to the Movies’ preview spiel. I wondered if they’d ever change the animation since it looked like it was made in 1960!

Halfway through the movie my attention was swayed to the hot breath I felt on my neck. I glanced to Billy with repugnance. What was he trying here?! His finger was circling the edge of my sweater at the neckline and his mouth was dangerously close to my ear. I scooted away. Billy presented me with a dumbfounded expression. After his two second absent stare he then continued to get closer to me. Just as his lips touched my neck I brushed him off like a fly. His arm that was previously around my shoulder retracted and he didn't come close for the rest of the movie.

When I got home around midnight I creeped up the stairs so as not to wake anyone up. I was tired from a full day of school but I could not sleep. I had such an awful night. Billy wasn’t necessarily moving too fast, but for me it was like the speed of light. I’m definitely not ready to start seeing other people. I’m not over Zac and I don’t want to be over him ever. I decided to give my sister a ring at college. Jamie has much experience and therefore gives pretty good advice.

After explaining in detail for a half hour the account of what happened between me and Taylor and how it made me feel, Jamie offered me this advice:

“So let me get this straight, you broke up with Zac because you felt guilty about liking the way Taylor’s lips felt against your own?” Jamie made the situation seem so flat.

“Yeah...”

“Samantha. You really can’t and should not feel guilty about that. It’s only the normal reaction. You didn’t know it was Taylor until after the fact. You were being kissed, you’re human, most of us do enjoy that!” Jamie’s expertise shined.

“Then it doesn’t mean I’m in love with Taylor?” My question sounded legitiment in my head but as I listened to the words they rang out foolish.

“I don’t know that, only you do. Are you in love with Taylor Hanson?” She questioned.

“No,” slipped quickly from my lips. No. No, I do not love Taylor Hanson! “I love Zachary Walker Hanson!” I exclaimed in a rather cheesy yet true outburst.

“There we go, you’ve now reached step one of the three step program!” Jamie’s voice full of older-sister-sarcasm.

“Thanks Jamie,” My gratitude surfaced and my face was broad in a smile. If I’d only called her sooner. My strings, as I’ve called it, sorted! I didn’t love Taylor in that way at all, he could never get between me and Zac again. I didn’t want any other guy. No matter how decent Billy could have been, I would never have let him in. Now all I needed to do was get back Zac. I did hurt him before, but he would understand! I’m back. I’m ready. I just needed some nerve to give the boy a call!