I got the promo cd in the mail a few days after my birthday. I heard the song, Zac’s only cut, I Wish That I Was There. Knowing that he had had me in mind when he wrote it brought tears to my eyes and pain to my heart.

I only wished that that were still true. I knew he had written it when we were still together and it just made me miss what we had even more. His lyrics described exactly how I was feeling but feelings that he no longer felt. I want to be with him. I want to see him. Without me, it’s not the end for him, he’s got someone else. Without him, well, I’m so lonely without him!

“You’ve still got something with him Sam!” Suzy tried to convince me as we searched the train car for two seats together. We found an empty two seater very quickly now that the morning rush hour was over and so not as many people were going into the city at noon.

“It’s not the same Suz, I screwed everything up,” I sulked and plopped down next to her, “He doesn’t want me anymore, he doesn’t need me anymore, he’s got Hannah now.”

“You think Hannah, who just strutted into his life last week, has anything on you? You and him have been tight for YEARS!”

“I betrayed him. I was a bad friend and definitely a bad girlfriend.”

“But don’t you see? It wasn’t all your fault and you weren’t being a bad friend at all! You broke up with Zac because you thought it would be best for both of you. That wasn’t a bad choice, you’re both learning from it and growing from it. You haven’t betrayed him, you’ve been loyal and good, he knows that and that’s why he is still your friend.” Suzy’s advice was wise beyond her fifteen years.

“Yeah we’ll see how nice he is to me today, won’t we?” I exaggerated my cynicism. I didn’t really believe Zac would be flat out mean to me, especially not in front of Suzy.

I had invited Suzy to come along with me to TRL since she watches the show all the time and like most, she adores Carson Daly. I needed someone to talk to anyway and it’s a pretty boring train ride if you’re all alone. I knew if I didn’t have Suzy to talk to that I would go insane with anticipation.

“He’s not going to be mean Sam, he invited you, don’t you remember?” She elbowed me and gave me a sly smile.

I shook my head and laughed a little, “Yeah, oh kay..”

She laughed at me then giddily remarked, “we’re going to be on TRL! How cool is that! And.. I’ll finally meet these Tulsans you talk about so frequently and see what’s so freggin’ wonderful about them!” She teased and I nudged her shoulder.

When we arrived in Times Square: 1515 Broadway MTV Studios to be exact, there were already girls everywhere!

“Wow, I didn’t think they were this popular!” Suzy was astonished. I was pretty shocked too, it had been a while since Hanson’s last cd came out and they had been out of the spotlight for a good while, “So where do we go?” Suzy searched for someone in charge.

“Probably that guy back over there,” I pointed to the man in black with a clipboard who was standing by the revolving doors.

Suzie marched proudly over to him and said, “Excuse me, I believe we’re on that list you have there.”

“Oh yeah?” The guy raised his eyebrow and laughed at her confidence. I guess a lot of people must try an entitlement tactic to get into the studio, “Let me see some ID.”

I whipped out the trusty high school ID handed it to him. He took it and ran the name down his list. He kept moving it further and further down his list. I felt my palms get hot and I felt panicked. I had to be on that list!

“Ah-hah,” He declared, my tension eased, “Here you go.” He handed each of us a white wrist band with black lettering that was inscribed “MTV Visitor TRL.”

He started to walk away and so I called after him, “where do we go?”

He flipped his head around and croaked, “in da line!” Suzy and I both looked over to the long line forming at the side of the building full of people wearing the same white wrist bands he’d handed to us. I was disappointed. I guess I had been thinking we would just go right up to the studios and see them. I guess I was wrong. I stood in the line, leaning against the wall, and sighed.

Sensing my let down, Suzy pulled me with her, “I’ve got an idea, come on!” She pulled me past the crowded sidewalk of screaming girls with bright pink and yellow poster board signs and around the corner to the other side of the building.

“Where are we going...?” I questioned her as she now led me into a dark parking garage underneath the building.

“Hanson isn’t here yet,” Suzy answered me, “They’re going to be coming in through this garage and go in the entrance from the basement, not the main doors, that would be pure insanity.” I was impressed, it seemed like Suzie had it all down pat like she had done this before! We would get to see them before anyone else! Brilliant!

Or so I thought.

As we walked further into the parking garage I heard the whispers and the giggling. Teenyboppers. Unfortunately Suzy wasn’t the only one with the bright idea.

“Well....” Suzie began, I guessed she was out of ideas, “Well, hopefully they’ll see ya!”

“If they don’t I’m going to feel so stupid Suz.”

“Stop being such a pessimist, they’ll see you,” Suzy’s optimism made me feel a bit better although I was still nervous, really nervous. I began to space out and look around the garage at all the girls waiting for Zac, Taylor, and Isaac. I noticed that a group of three girls were staring at me and whispering to each other. I looked away and ignored it, well I tried to ignore it. A few minutes later they were still watching me and talking about me, or so I supposed. I told Suzy and she said she had noticed it too and was guessing they wanted our wristbands so we should be careful. We weren’t able to discuss it much longer because the three girls soon came over to where we were standing.

“Hey...” One girl said to us, she was the tallest of the three, she had long blonde hair and she was waif-like in figure, she then addressed me, “You look familiar, where are you from?”

“New Jersey...” I replied. How was I familiar to her? I’d never seen her before in my life. With my reply she looked over to her friends with a facial expression I couldn’t read.

“Well, that’s nice, I’m from New Jersey too, my name is Liz, this is Heather and Leena,” she introduced the friends standing behind her and continued, “I’m fourteen years old and I know that you’re not from Jersey, so why are you lying to us?” The waif-like blonde, err, Liz, said to me in a calm yet demeaning kind of way. I almost wanted to laugh, how could she doubt that I was from NJ? And WHY would she? I mean, I’m not proud of it, but that’s where I live.

“What are you talking about??” Suzy became protective, “Why do you even care where she is from?”

“Who is this you have with you?” Liz inquired about Suzy, “Another girl from Tulsa? Why don’t you just go back there, ok?” Heather and Leena giggled.

“Come on Sam,” Suzy took me by the arm, “we shouldn’t be hanging near the dumpsters, I can’t take the smell.”

“There’s no need to be snippy girls,” Heather butted in, “We won’t tell anyone who you are if you get us into the studio.”

I turned around with great curiosity, “who do you think I am?”

Heather took several steps towards me until she was practically in my face, “We saw you at the Teen People party with Zac, we know you’re Zac Hanson’s girlfriend from Tulsa.” I was shocked by her reply and I couldn’t think of what to say next, I never expected anything like this to happen, who could have known? However Suzy thought Michelle was amusing and looked to be holding in the laughter.

“Are you kidding? She’s wishes she were Zac’s girlfriend...” but before Suzy could finish covering for me the shrieking began and Liz, Michelle, and Leena had joined the other teenys: Hanson had arrived.

“Zac,” the word escaped my mouth so softly and with so much longing. A moment later I found myself, along with Suzy, trying to mow through the girls. When we reached the front, the guys were walking along the line and shaking hands. Taylor came near us first, first shaking Suzy’s hand, then mine. He was about to continue to the next girl without even looking at me, “Taylor!” I said with a loud burst of air from my gut. He looked up and it took him a second before he noticed that I had called him.

“Sam! Woah, hey! How’s it going?” Taylor stopped to talk to me and the girls from the line began to swarm him, enclosing us in a circle. I saw Zac and Isaac leaving to go up the elevator because the fans were too much to handle, especially swarming, “Let’s get out of here,” Taylor told me. A security man broke through the circle of fans to Taylor. Taylor pointed to me, and the guard began to lead us through the crowd.

I pulled Suzy away with me and once were safe in the elevator I introduced Taylor to Suzy. (At this point Zac and Isaac had already been taken up to the studio.)

“It’s nice to meet you Suzy,” Taylor greeted her, “Things were crazy out there, huh?”

“You could say that...” Suzy trailed off.

The elevator doors opened and were were quickly escorted through the narrow corridors of what was the MTV studios. It looked no different than a regular office, no decorations on the walls or autographed guitars or anything of the sort.

“Right this way,” A man with a head set and black t-shirt opened the door to their dressing room. Suzy and I followed Taylor inside where Isaac and Zac were already reclining on a green furry couch.

“Sam-” Zac immediately rose from his reclining position. His eyes were looking directly into mine and I don’t think either of us could blink for what seemed like hours but was in actuality a mere three seconds. He walked over to me and gave me a huge hug. I felt tears forming in my eyes but held them back and let go of Zac so that I could compose myself.

“Oh Zac, Isaac,” I looked over to Isaac who had come next in line for a hug. I hugged him tight for a moment then introduced them to Suzy.

“Hey Suzy,” Isaac greeted her and shook her hand.

I looked back over to Zac with a warm smile spread across my face, “It’s great to see you.”

Zac’s eyes seemed to twinkle as he smiled and with sweet sincerity said, “It’s good to see you too Sam.”

Joyous sensations rushed from my heart to my head and made my limbs weak. My nervous tension combined with effervescence, that he was smiling at me, flourished throughout my entire self. However, my exhilaration was ephemeral. In the corner of my eye I saw a girl with wonderful long, shiny brown hair approach Zac’s side. I think I began to shake and had to take a deep breath to keep my cool, hoping that no one had noticed my atrophic composure. I knew the words Zac was going to say before he said them. I bit my tongue and stood straight as if I were hearing a jury’s decision on my trial.

“Sam, I want you to meet Hannah.”