Jokes, Quotes, Etc.
Here's my promised joke page! If it's somewhat appropriate, send it to firstname.lastname@example.org and you can see it in here!
From the Campus Connection (the Davenport College Newletter), October 12, 1998 edition
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Do cemetary workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Why does the word lisp have an 's' in it?
-contributed by Chris
And my own personal favorite:
Are zebras white with black stripes, black with white stripes or clear with black and white stripes?
SOME RANDOM THOUGHTS AND PONERINGS
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book.
COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
A .44 Magnum beats 4 aces.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
If you loved the 'random thoughts' list, then visit Johann's Bag of Funnies to see more of it.
The Best of Bumper Stickers
*Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.*
*I'm not as think as you drunk I am.*
*Learn from your parents' mistakes- use birth control.*
*Out of my mind- back in five minutes.*
*Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.*
*Horn broken. Watch for finger*
*Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder*
*There are three kinds of people- those who can count, and those who can't.*
-contributed by Jon
THINGS YOU WOULDN'T EVER HEAR A REDNECK SAY
From Laugh Co. Issue 2
Well, uh, we don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer???
You can't feed THAT to the dog!
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pcik-up - it ain't safe.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
Trim the fat off that steak.
The tires on that truck are too big!
I've got it all on a floppy disk.
Would you like your fish poached or broiled???
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
Hey, here's an episode of "hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
Love the redneck jokes and bumper sticker phrases? Click here to visit Jon and Geoff's page, Laugh Co., to see more of it!
Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
A: About halfway!
-contributed by Meg
Q: What has four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pitbull
-contributed by Jon
Two drunk men were talking. Each was trying to prove to the other that he wasn't drunk. The first guy had a flashlight, and he turned it on and said, "If you're not drunk, then climb up this beam of light and touch the ceiling." The second guy replied, "Oh no, I'm too smart for you! I know what will happen. As soon as I get to the top, you'll turn off the light!"
-contributed by Rui
A man died, and went downstairs (you know what I mean). He was following the devil to his punishment, when he recognized a sleazy lawyer from his hometown. He had cheated many people through out his life. He was currently cuddled up against a beautiful model. Now, the man didn't think this was fair. "Satan!" he said. "Why must I be punished, when that lawyer, who was definitely worse behaved than me, gets to spend eternity with a beautiful woman?" "Hush!" cried the devil. "You must pay your penance, and the model must pay hers!"
Okay, three guys walk into a bar. The fourth one ducked.
-contributed by Captive Free (a Christian rock Uth band)
'A watched clock never boils'
-contributed by Molly
'Douse your nose and run like crazy!'
-from the claymation 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer' (you know, the ancient one.)
'Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool'
-contributed by Jon
'She's not my lover, she's just my sister!'
-contributed by Andy (Here you go! Happy now?)
Thanx for contributing!
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