Title: Cage the Le Matya
Author: Istannor
Series: TOS
Part: 1/1
Rating: [PG13]
Codes:
Summary: Spock is left at Gol with only his memories.

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom, they own them, I only check 'em out from the
library. I promise to bring 'em back.

Feedback to Istannor@Aol.com


Cage the Le Matya


T'Par watched the ground vehicle go off into the distance.
It carried a precious cargo. It carried part of the hope for
Vulcan's future. She turned and walked slowly back into the
enclave. The sand created small clouds around her feet and
settled between the toes of her sandals. Sand was everywhere
at Gol. Without the filters working constantly within the
stone fortress, the residents of Gol would eat sand, and
sleep with sand, and drink of sand. It had always been so.
She had been born at Gol and she would die at Gol. But
before she died she would accomplish one last task worthy of
Surak.

The giant doors clanged shut behind her. For the first time
in a very long life she felt fear. So much rested on her
success with the child who shivered and hurt inside his
chambers. She hoped the time left her would be sufficient to
the task.

T'Par walked through the cool, dark tunnels of Gol with only
one destination in mind. She found Spock huddled against the
wall of his cubicle. He was unconscious. She crossed to him
and touched his forehead briefly. He suffered from a
combination of physical and emotional exhaustion. She sent
him some of her strength and then sat back on her heels to
look at the child before her. In truth, he was no longer a
child, though in Vulcan terms he had really only just begun
his life. So much pain in so short a time.

She could easily feel the tendrils of the torn link
hemorrhaging psychic energy. His true healing would only
come with the re-forging of the link. She sealed off as much
of the flow as she could. When she was certain there was no
more she could do, she rose. As she looked down on Spock's
ravaged face, she was tempted to blame Sarek. She pushed
that aside as an unworthy thought. He had done the best he
could have done, considering the circumstances.

She left as silently as she had come.

Spock awoke to the taste of grit in his mouth, the feel of
sand in his eyes, and the roar of pain in his heart. He
looked around, saw the walls of Gol, and felt them close in
on him. How had he ever arrived at this fallen state? He had
lost... everything. He wanted to scream, for once totally
out of control and beyond Vulcan normalcy, but there was no
one at Gol who cared. There was no one who would rush to his
side to heal him and accept him. There was no one...he felt
his gut contract and he thought he would die. He fought down
the sensation and remembered how to breathe again. Emotions
were a plague. Desire was a disease. He had made the only
sacrifice he had known to make...and his sacrifice might not
have been enough to save his T'hy'la. He could not rid his
mind of the vision of the burns on James Kirk's almost
lifeless face. He had caused those burns. He should have
known that James Kirk would follow him to the gates of Gol.
He should have known that James Kirk would never give up. He
had... mis- calculated, and in doing so had almost succeeded
in killing them both.

He would stay here at Gol. He would die here at Gol. He
would do what he had to do to keep James Kirk alive. He had
given his word to Sam to always do what was best for James
Kirk. This was the logical outcome of that pledge. No one
would know of his true reason for fleeing to Gol, not even
James Kirk. No one would know that he could no longer fight
his need to possess the mind that called to him still. It
was not a biological need. Mere sex Kirk probably would have
given freely, if asked. This was a different need. One born
out of his insanity, his need to possess, control, and drive
into subservience that which was always meant to be free.

If you cage the Le'Matya, you kill the Le'Matya. On Vulcan,
a Le'Matya was never sent into captivity, that was an
abomination. It was either killed...or left alone. Kirk was
meant to always be free and Spock was driven to cage him.
One of them would surely have died in the attempt.

T'Par believed she had gotten the entire truth from him. He
had pledged to learn from her, but he did not believe even
she could teach so flawed a man, all the things she had
promised. His pledge had been a lie. Yes, she was wrong. She
would not be able to teach him what he needed. Even in his
deepest moment of insanity, he was able to protect their
secret. No one would know from his lips what James Kirk was.
No one would learn, because of his weakness, what had almost
transpired between them. He had given T'Par only part of the
truth, a large part, but not the part that could kill.

He had never told T'Par, or anyone else, how close he had
come to destroying his Captain, and destroying the future of
the Federation. He felt the burning rise up in him again:
the desire for possession, the need for domination rolled
around in his stomach until he felt he would black out. He
fought them all, again and again, until a semblance of calm
reached him. "Never, I will never surrender. You will be
safe, Jim, safe from me, safe on Earth. Hate me, if you
will, but live," he whispered.

He remembered, but even in remembering, he could not look at
his most flagrant transgression. There had been one incident
that had finally convinced him of his insanity. He sought a
different moment in time.

He sat in his room in the darkness. The focusing flame was
covered. He wanted nothing to observe his shame. The door
opened and he immediately knew who it was. He could smell
the worry on his Captain. Kirk entered without an
invitation. Their cabins had long been open to each other
and Spock had neglected to seal the door. Not that it would
have done any good; Kirk was relentless when he was after
information.

He came and stood by the Vulcan until Spock surrendered and
withdrew from his light meditative state. His Captain's
voice was soft, the voice of persuasion. "Spock, why are you
avoiding me? Are you upset with me? Don't give me any tall
tale about Vulcans not becoming upset. I know better.
Anytime I show up, you disappear. You've closed off the
link. I can't sense you anymore. What have I done to make
you do this?"

His Captain stood silhouetted against the light from the
flame. Spock sighed. It was impossible to avoid this man.
Jim did not know the meaning of futility. He decided to
attack as a means of diversion. "Am I not allowed privacy
anymore? Is it a new habit of yours to routinely intrude?"
Spock allowed just the slightest bit of scorn to touch his
voice. Few others would note it but it would shout out to
Jim. He could sense the broad shoulders stiffen and hear the
slight intake of air. "Well?" That was one word too many,
enough for Kirk to arrive at the truth. The human snorted,
crossed over, and sat in front of him.

"Are you that uncomfortable with what happened to us? Are
you so uncomfortable about what Janice did to me that you
are going to ruin our friendship over it?" Now Kirk allowed
a touch of scorn to enter his voice. "What bothered you the
most, Spock? Me being a woman, or the fact that you liked me
that way?"

Spock tensed to deny it all. "Don't even try to deny it.
Remember what I am. Even in Janice's body, I remained the
Fruit of Humanity. I felt what you wanted, Spock. I felt you
take my hand in the corridor. I may have started it, but you
finished it. I felt you rub my neck and my back while we
were in the brig. I saw you and felt you in my mind. As a
matter of fact, with all of that estrogen circulating in me,
I liked it...a lot. You are not rubbing any of my tender
human male sensibilities. I understand about Vulcans and you
understand about me. None of what you did matters to me,
except you ended up doing the right thing. So why are you
beating us both up over it?"

"You did not realize what almost happened. I melded with you
and I had to pull myself away from your mind. I sensed your
need to be known and you called me, so strongly." Spock hung
his head in shame. "I contemplated bonding you
involuntarily. I wanted to. It took all of my control not to
attempt to take over your mind. How can you forgive me for
that?"

Kirk came and sat across from him. The chess set was between
them. He picked up a piece, the black queen, and knocked the
black King over. "Number one, your closest friend suddenly
becomes a female and an appropriate receptacle for your
proper Vulcan affections. I'm flattered. Number two, wanting
to is not the same as doing. If it was, I'd be in jail.
Number three; don't be so sure you would have won that
battle. You still do not understand, really, what I am."

Kirk rested his hand on Spock's arm. Spock's hand was balled
into a tight fist that threatened to cut off his
circulation. "I accept you as you are, Spock, with all of
your dark little corners and your bright wide spaces. Damn,
man, are you forgetting all the times you had to keep me
from doing something extremely perverse to someone else? Why
is it so easy for you to accept my flaws, and so hard for
you to accept your own?"

Spock almost wanted to shake the human. "Why is it that you
refuse to understand what I did? I almost jeopardized your
future and the future of the Federation. What ever it is you
are destined to do, you would be unable to do it as my
chattel."

"I can be chattel to no being." Kirk's voice took on a
faraway quality. The Chosen had answered for him. It was
rare that the memories surfaced spontaneously. It showed how
much tension they both were under. Kirk shook himself like a
great cat and smiled at Spock apologetically. "I guessed you
touched a nerve. Spock, you have not harmed me. And, in
deference to your non-existent ego," Kirk smiled -- they
both knew that was a lie -- "it is doubtful that you would
have succeeded. I am what I am, Spock. I have come to depend
on you at my side. Don't let Janice come between us. It was
hard enough for me to learn to pee sitting down, I can't
imagine re-learning hand-to -hand combat with breasts. I
would've really had to call on past memories." Spock felt a
smile twist at his lips. "That's better."

Kirk knelt in front of him. "Meld with me. Then you'll see
it's okay."

Spock reached for the familiar points. He stopped and shook
his head reluctantly. "I dare not, not yet. Let me absorb
this new data first and return my mind to a semblance of
order. I wish the meld to be pleasant for us both."

Kirk smiled his acceptance. "Okay, I'll wait. But at least
open the link. I need it."

Spock obeyed and saw the smile as the Human felt the link
began to flow again. "How can you want to meld with me so
soon after what I have just revealed to you? Where is your
sense of self-preservation?"

"I love to meld with you. It's the only time the two of us
are able to ... to be ourselves. You know that and I don't
believe you'll ever hurt me like that, Spock. You're my
Anchor. I trust you with my soul. Anyway, I don't have a
sense of self-preservation. I thought you knew that. At
least that's what you and Bones always say." Jim smiled his
crooked smile and Spock felt his resistance crumble.

"There are still so many things about you that I do not
understand." Spock looked at his friend and shrugged
slightly. "How can you accept what I did so easily?"

"How can you accept who I am so easily?" Kirk shrugged back.
"Let's just get on with our lives. I want to rinse the taste
of Janice out of my mouth." Kirk got up and stretched. "By
the way, there're a few very nice things about being a
woman." He waited expectantly for the question he knew would
be forthcoming.

"And those things are?"

"No jock straps, no getting rid of facial hair, no
embarrassing erections," Kirk turned and saw the slight
smile of amusement on Spock's face, "and you can always
fake an orgasm." Jim was rewarded with a raised eyebrow.

"Why would a woman desire to fake an orgasm?"

Kirk snorted. "There is no logic behind the answer to that
particular question, Spock. A woman fakes an orgasm for the
same reason a man tells a woman that sex with them was the
best ever. They protect male egos and we protect female
egos, if we have any sense."

Now Spock was intrigued. "Are you saying a particular woman
has faked an orgasm with you?"

"I have my suspicions. No-one has ever confessed or been
caught with the evidence." He chuckled and shook his head
slightly. "If I wondered, it just made me work that much
harder the next time." The triumphant grin on the Human's
face made Spock almost smile in response. "I love it when
they come back for more." The Captain of the Enterprise
stood up and stretched. "It feels great to have myself back
in one piece. Now, I need to find someone to confirm that
everything is in working order."

"You are incorrigible," Spock shook his head slowly from
side to side.

"Don't you ever forget that, my friend." Kirk smiled and a
warning bell rang in Spock's consciousness. A master had
manipulated him.

Abruptly, the situation lost its humorous flavor. James Kirk
did not understand him at all, at least not regarding this
topic. Anger roared through the Vulcan's head until he felt
the human could hear the sound it made.

"Perhaps there is something you need to comprehend." Spock
moved as fast as he ever had. He saw Kirk begin to take a
defensive stance and then relax. Even in the face of an
attack, Kirk did not believe he could be in danger from this
particular source. Spock forced his captain back against the
partition. "Think back to when you instructed me on what
rape meant to humans. It is time for your instruction on
what it means to tempt the desire of a Vulcan male." He
grabbed his captain's neck and pinched softly, just enough
to weaken.

Kirk slumped back against the wall. His eyes were filled
with confusion. "I have explained to you time and time
again; I am not human. My needs are not those of a Human. My
ethics are not those of a Human. If you insist on seeing me
as safe, as a shadow who will always be at your side, always
bend to your will, you will destroy us both. What will you
do when the truth is revealed, James Kirk? What will you do
when you finally realize that a Vulcan male is driven to
possess? You insist on tempting fate. When we meld, it is to
share cursory things -- ephemeral, insubstantial nothings,
anything except that which I most require. I am not Human. I
will not be toyed with. There is no room for humor in this
situation. If you persist in this, I will be driven to
leave, or driven to take what I require. Is that what you
want, forced submission? Is this another game you need to
play to assert your control over fate?" He released the
smaller man, who slumped to the floor in shock.

"God, no, Spock. You've got it all wrong." Kirk swallowed
and looked at Spock with a wide-eyed expression that
shattered the Vulcan's heart. "I didn't mean to make light
of the situation, Spock. I...it was...damn. You don't
understand. You. . .nobody understands."

He began to take great shuddering breaths and his body shook
as the air rushed in and out. Spock backed away and the
human leaned forward, his head in his hands. The Vulcan felt
a bitter taste fill his mouth and realized he was close to
throwing up in disgust, not with the Human, but disgust at
his own loss of control, his attack on his own captain. He
looked at his hands, trembling as they proclaimed to the
world his absolute lack of control. The Human whispered and
Spock turned to catch the words that tumbled forth.  "She
took my mind and made me something I wasn't. I felt like I
didn't exist anymore; Janice's body gave me feelings,
sensations, reactions I had never felt before. I suddenly
wanted you to protect me and tell me I wasn't crazy. I was
confused, and you knew me. You were supporting me and
believing me. I needed you to touch my mind. I needed you to
tell me that I, James Tiberius Kirk, was the one inside of
her. I know I acted like a self-centered bastard. I wasn't
trying to mess our friendship up. I was just trying to hold
on to the only person I could trust to make it right again.

"I'm a man, dammitt, not a woman. First, I had to deal with
a part of myself no-one else should ever see. Who the hell
wants to know that they need the murderous bastard inside
themselves to make them whole? Then Janice took away my
manhood and locked me in a body I couldn't control. I've
never felt so weak and small since . . . Tarsus.  I started
wondering if I deserved to live out the rest of my life as a
woman because I must have been an asshole to so many of
them. I don't remember ever lying to Janice. I even tried to
help her pass Command school. At least I thought I did.
Suppose I never believed she could succeed because she was a
woman? Suppose you hadn't believed me. I thought I was going
to lose my ship, my manhood, my life, my friends. .
myself." Kirk took another deep breath and Spock watched in
stunned silence. Kirk shook his shoulders and wiped a hand
quickly across his eyes. He stared at the hand for a long
moment. It was dry. His body straightened and an eerie calm
settled over him as he looked up into the Vulcan's face.

Kirk stood and straightened his shirt. He was The Captain
again. "I'm sorry, Spock. I didn't mean to. . .I just needed
to be myself again and put it behind me. I thought it
wouldn't hurt as much, if I made it into a joke."

Spock silently repeated the words he had heard and tasted
total defeat. Kirk's words hurt even more because they
resolved nothing. He no longer believed James Kirk was
capable of telling him what he required -- even if Spock
knew what that was, and he didn't. "Leave, please."

Kirk reached a hand towards him, stopping short of the
Vulcan. "Spock, please don't do that. We need to talk this
through."

"Jim, I need you to leave."

Kirk looked down at his feet and Spock feared for a moment
that the Human would refuse. Finally, he turned around
slowly and his voice floated back to the Vulcan. "I'm sorry
if I've failed to understand you. You know I've tried."

"Yes, you have tried, none more than you. It is what the two
of us have become that neither of us understands. You
exercise too much control over my emotions. You pull me
outside of myself. You make the part of me that should
remain hidden beneath the surface reveal itself. It is not
your fault, it is not my fault; it simply is. Kaadith. I
require solitude, Jim."

Kirk searched the room. It was obvious he was trying to
think of a reason to stay. Spock realized that the Human had
already discounted the use of the neck-pinch. Kirk had
decided his Vulcan was safe, murder on the sands of Vulcan
or the just-completed assault had not changed his mind.
Spock did not feel safe, he felt capable of violence . . .
or worse. James Kirk was blind and he knew of no way to make
him see. They were doomed.

Kirk bowed his head briefly and then straightened. "Spock,
please remember, I have tried to be the best friend to you I
know how to be. I never wanted to ruin what we have created
together. Don't forget that."

The Vulcan remained silent. He did not trust himself to
speak.

Kirk left without another word.

Back in Gol, on the cold, stone, floor of a dark, damp cell,
a shattered man rocked slowly back and forth. He whispered
over and over to himself: "I will forget. I must forget. I
cannot forget." He felt insanity beckon him forward. The
link was healed, but he was not.

Cage The Le Matya         - 7 -