Title: Healer
Author: Istannor
Series: TOS
Part: 1/1
Rating: [PG13]
Codes:
Summary: Part 10 in the Years of Gol series. The previous
installments are on my webpage. Background: Spock arrived at
Gol in part one, and Kirk follows him. Risking life, limb
and sanity, Kirk sits outside the walls of Gol to force
Spock to come out. He fails. Kirk is taken to Sarek and
Amanda's compound to heal and they discover that he is in
the midst of the Devastation, a condition caused by the
shattering of a deep Vulcan mind-link. As his sanity
wanes, James Kirk becomes more and more dangerous to those
around him as more of his secret is finally revealed. The
previous installment was "Kumi".

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom, they own them, I only check 'em out from the
Library. I promise to bring 'em back, if'n they will respect
them. Thank-you to the Beta Dominitrix Editor, Mary Ellen,
the Doc of Science. If there are no errors, thank her, not
me.

Feedback to Istannor@Aol.com




Healer

Jean walked out into the corridor and she couldn't help
herself: she smiled.

Standing between two very tall, very strong, very serious-
looking Humans was a glaring Leonard H. McCoy.  "What the
hell is this all about, Jean?  How dare you send these two
bruisers to kidnap me from my office?  You just wait till
the Diplomatic Corps hears about this.  I don't care if you
*are* Jim's cousin, dammit."

Jean Little couldn't keep the smile from spreading across
her face.  "I am truly glad to see you, Leonard.  I sent my
younger cousins to get you because I knew you would want to
be here."

"Yeah, I see you're positively beaming." McCoy looked at her
suspiciously.  "Where's Jim?"  He pointed to the door of the
room in front of him.  "Is he in there?"

"Yes."

McCoy swallowed.  "Is he alive?"

"For now."

"He's hurt. Dammit, what did Spock do to him? Get out of the
way and let me see him." He began to push his way towards
the door. "Do you have an emergency medical kit in there?"

Jean looked at him and he froze in mid-step with a yelp of
surprise.  "No, that is not why you are here.  I know that
you parted from James after an argument.  You swore that you
wouldn't watch him kill himself.  You're his Anchor, McCoy.
He requires more of you than your medical care."  She
released McCoy and he turned to look at her with a newfound
wariness.

"Anchor, schmanchor. He doesn't need me. He never did. Any
good doctor would have suited him fine. I remember what you
and Sam said, but tell me one damn time I did anything that
changed Jim's mind. I argued with him and fought with him
and he did whatever the hell he wanted to anyway. The only
thing I was ever good for was putting him back together
after one of his fool stunts, him or Spock, that is. Neither
one of them has an once of sense."

"McCoy," Jean's eyes widened in frustration. "you are an
unbelievably obstinate man. You had a week in a high-speed
shuttle to wonder why you were abducted from your office.
Why did you think you were brought here?"

"Your gorillas gave me all the passwords. I knew you sent
for me." McCoy gestured angrily at the air. "What do you
expect me to say? You've been meddling in Jim's business all
of his life and in my affairs since before I met you. Why
should today be any different? You pulled the strings and I
came."

Jean bit her lip and took a deep breath. "When you realized
Jim needed you, my cousins said you stopped fighting
instantly. You get here, find out you were right, and yet
you still fight me over whether or not you were needed. What
in heaven makes you think you define what you do as an
Anchor?"

McCoy crossed his arms over his chest and pushed his chin
out defiantly. "Sam told me I was supposed to be Jim's voice
of reason and humanity when he pushed too hard. He told me I
would be able to hold him."

"You hold him, not hold him back, McCoy. You hold his soul.
You hold his connection to vulnerability and human foibles.
You hold his love for you as his friend. You don't control
him; no-one can. He is the Fruit of Humanity; he is the
freest person you will ever meet. He listens to you, but he
still chooses whether or not to accept your guidance. You
are meant to be beside him to offer the words that may sway
him, not control him."

"Well, you picked the wrong damn man. Jim's half-crazy since
he lost his ship,  Spock is hiding out in that piss-ant
monastery, so you better go find another Anchor. This one
fell off the boat."

"No, Leonard, he's not half-crazy, he's almost completely
psychotic."

McCoy's mouth dropped open with a gasp. "You're lying. I
know you. You're manipulative as hell. This is another trick
of yours to get me to do what you want."

"I have never lied to you and I have not manipulated you
without your cooperation. I am telling you the truth. Spock
shattered the link he had with my cousin. He didn't
understand how deeply the Vulcan mind-link had buried itself
into Jim's psyche, so that breaking it would shatter
everything Jim had woven into it."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Jean Little sighed. "I know Jim told you about his
memories." McCoy nodded reluctantly. "Jim relaxed all of his
own emotional and psychological defenses to allow the link
with Spock to flourish. Without the link or Spock to anchor
him psychically, he is floating in a world of chaos and
confusion. He's hearing the voices of people dead for a
thousand years, reliving the lives of those who are dust.
Anchors like you hold those with racial memory to the
present. Anchorless, James will float farther and farther
away from the here and now, until he loses contact with his
own body. . .and dies, locked in an ancestral memory."

McCoy blinked silently. "Shit."

"Precisely."

"Why the hell didn't you tell me this a few years ago?"

"Would you have believed me, and if you had, would you have
treated Jim as you did?"

McCoy shook his head. "I honestly don't know."

Jean smiled faintly. "At least you're honest. That is one of
your gifts, Leonard. You're painfully and relentlessly
honest. So. . .are you ready to do what is needed?"

"What am I supposed to do?
"
"You must return as his Anchor. He placed all of his faith
in you and Spock, and you both failed him simultaneously. He
didn't plan for that contingency. He's losing his will
because he has been abandoned. He thinks abandonment is the
penalty for his sins."

"Sins? His only sins are being too damn good at his job and
picking the wrong friends. He's the best friend a man could
ever wish for. This wasn't his fault; it just happened."
McCoy swung his fist at the air, and hit nothing. "We're all
idiots." He moaned and shook his head back and forth.  "I
didn't mean to run away. I told him he was a stupid asshole
and blind. I told him Spock was a coward. He told me to go.
He told me to leave him the hell alone, so I did. I knew he
didn't really mean it, but he was going to fade away in
front of my eyes.  Don't you see? I'm a doctor.  He was sick
and I couldn't help him.  I couldn't save him and I couldn't
heal him.  I couldn't take being helpless."

McCoy rammed a fist into his palm. "It's Spock's fault. I
told him not to trust Spock. I told him not to link with
him.  How the hell was he supposed to place the safety and
integrity of his soul in the hands of a man who denied one-
half of his own essence?  I told him this would happen.  I
just couldn't stand to watch it. Do you see why I had to
leave?"  He looked up and his eyes were full of tears.

"I'll take him to the Tantalus colony.  I can take care of
him there. Let me see him."

Jean shook her head slowly from side to side.  "No. That's
not what I need from you, Leonard.  It's time for you to do
the one thing you fear the most."

He looked at her in confusion.  "What the hell are you
talking about?"

"Be his Anchor. You have accepted the charge. It is time for
you to call him back to this side of the light. It is the
role you are destined to fulfill. Over and over again, you
have healed him, Leonard.  We need you, now. Sarek will
require your assistance in the meld. " She watched the fear
flood McCoy's face.

A remembered nightmare roared across McCoy's awareness. A
soft baritone voice whispered through his memories. "Our
minds are merging, Doctor. Our minds are one." He cut off
the voice and turned his attention back to Jean Little.

"We need you to share your mind with us. If you can't do
it, then there's nothing you can do for us, or for him.  I
will leave you here in this hallway to make your decision.
The door is unlocked."
 
He shook his head violently from side to side.  "No, I won't
...I can't do that. You know how I feel about anyone playing
in my head. I'll take him to the Tantalus colony and I'll
care for him there for as long as he lives, but I won't do
that. Nobody goes into my mind anymore."

"It is your decision, Leonard McCoy. I won't ever make you
do anything you feel you cannot do."  She turned and entered
the room.

The door closed behind her.

McCoy stood and watched the door close in front of him.  He
felt his heart collapse into a tiny ball and vaguely
wondered if he would survive this, his last betrayal of his
best friend.

He could not allow a meld.

He would not allow a meld.

They had no right to ask this of him.  Not after all he'd
done and all he'd gone through over the last five years.  It
was unfair, patently unfair.  Damn them all to hell.
Jim was his best friend, his truest brother, his only hero.
He was not going to let Jim die.  But no one, no one was
going to go into his mind and rape him again.

It was unnatural what the Vulcans did.  It was unnatural for
the Captain to let Spock enter his mind all those times.  He
had tried to warn Jim that trouble would come of it.  Jim
had insisted that Spock needed it after his Bond with
T'Pring was gone. Jim swore that no-one less than T'Pau had
urged him to establish a link with Spock. It was wrong,
dammit. What Spock needed was a Bond, not a link with a man
who would never Bond with him.

Deep down in the quiet of his mind, McCoy could admit what
he truly thought was going on in the link between his
friends. It had to have been torture for the Vulcan to be so
close and still so far from all that he desired. Probably
that link was what drove him over the edge.

<I told Jim time and time again, Spock was almost
schizophrenic in his need to deny his human half.  If
Starfleet had had any more experience with Vulcan/human
hybrids, they would have known that Spock had problems.
Shit, as if being the son of Sarek wasn't a problem alone.
On top of it, the poor bastard was the grandson of T'Pau.
Part of his family wanted him to be the perfect upper-crust
Vulcan prince, and the other part wanted him to be human.
It's a wonder he survived this long.  I tried to tell Jim,
but that was the last thing he wanted to hear.>

Jim never wanted to hear the truth about Spock.

McCoy trembled as his mind flew back, to an earlier time.

/////////////

Stardate 3015.5

It was three days after Spock's betrayal of Jim.

Spock had stolen the Enterprise and raced with it towards
Talos. The Federation had only placed one planet on a list
that meant death if you landed on it.  Spock lied to the
crew, lied to the people on Starbase 11, and lied to Jim.
He had kidnapped his former Captain, Christopher Pike, his
former Captain, though he was severely handicapped --
confined to a mechanical chair and a never-ending world of
silence and paralysis.

Jim and Commodore Mendez had caught up with the ship, but it
was too late to prevent them from going to Talos. Spock had
locked the controls so that even Scotty couldn't break
through.  McCoy had never seen Jim so frustrated.
Commodore Mendez had insisted on a court-martial;  even in
the midst of his pain, Jim had fought for his friend.  But
in the end, Spock had been convicted and Jim had cast the
deciding vote.

After the conviction, they found out Commodore Mendez had
been a hallucination, foisted on them by the Talosians.
Mendez disappeared and Pike was transported down to Talos.
Chris Pike was probably still alive on Talos, walking,
talking, and loving: lucky bastard.

McCoy could still feel the anger flow through his bones. He
had been furious at Spock, even madder at Jim, and
Starfleet, for letting Spock get off the hook.

He had gone to Jim's cabin and done his level best to try to
get Jim to transfer Spock off ship. His gut told him they
were dealing with one cosmically confused Vulcan.

He remembered Jim's cabin; he remembered yelling.

///////////////

"Damn you, Jim. Maybe this time you'll listen to me. He
stole your ship. He didn't say a word to you; he didn't ask
your help. He went off half-cocked and stole your command,
left you stranded on Starbase 11, to take this entire ship
to an interdicted world. We could have all been killed or
kept to play out some  frigging fantasies of the Talosians.
He couldn't be sure what was going to happen. He believed
what the Talosians told him. Suppose they were lying? We all
could be slaves and living out our lives in captivity right
now, and you wouldn't be able to do a damn thing about it."

Kirk sat in the dark. He had not looked at McCoy during the
entire time the Doctor had been in his cabin. The room was
colder than normal and the only light came from the computer
screen, which was lit with message signals screaming for the
attention of a captain. That captain sat staring at his
hands, as they rhythmically opened and closed, almost
involuntarily. "Spock was trying to save Chris Pike, Bones,
and spare me," he whispered.  "You know that's the truth;
Starfleet has even thrown out the charges."

"Screw Starfleet. He embarrassed you and this ship. He
betrayed our trust. He almost didn't stop to take you off of
the shuttlecraft. If you'd given up and turned back earlier,
you would have lost power out in space with no hope of
rescue. Is that 'sparing' you, leaving you to freeze and
suffocate alone in space?"

"Please don't do this, Bones."

"I need to, Captain. You, yourself, convicted him during his
court-martial. You may let the rest of the crew think that
everything's just fine between you two, but I know you. You
hate betrayal. He's done it and he'll do it again. As long
as he keeps denying his human half, he will screw up when
the time comes for major decisions.  Why do you insist on
trying to make excuses for him?"

"He's my friend; you're my friend. Bones, he just saved my
hide at my court martial. How can you think he doesn't
care?"

"He cares, but that's not enough to keep him from destroying
you. He knew you didn't kill Finney and he was certain you
didn't panic. Everybody knows you wouldn't kill a man over
something petty. It was 'logical' for him to save you."

"Bones, sometimes friends make mistakes. You've screwed up
before and I didn't toss you out on your butt."

"Charon ain't Talos. That was a stupid accident and I never
tried to kill you." McCoy realized he was yelling. Never in
memory had he been so angry with his Captain. How could Jim
keep on forgiving Spock, again and again? It was plain
stupid, dammit. You don't forgive a person who betrays you;
you leave on the first ship coming. You leave and never let
them hurt you again. He almost whispered the next words:
"Let him go. Send him away."

"I can't, Bones.  Don't ask me to do that."

Suddenly it registered on McCoy that Kirk hadn't once raised
his voice in their conversation, or answered anger with
anger. Kirk's head still looked down at his hands, in the
gloom of his cabin. The pain in that simple phrase hit, and
McCoy's heart finally softened. "Why, Jim? Why can't you
just send him away after all he's done?"

Kirk looked up. The muted light from the Com tinted him a
faint shade of green. There were clear lines etched into his
face that hadn't been visible before this mission and
definitely hadn't been there two short years ago, when McCoy
had joined the ship. They were using him up, and before long
Jim would hit his bottom, too. "Where would he go, Bones?
This is his only home.  Anyway, it's my fault Spock did it."

McCoy felt his gut rock. That was the last thing he had
expected Jim to say. "How the hell is it your fault?" He sat
down across from his friend: he suddenly needed to sit and
be close, for this.

Kirk didn't answer right away.  McCoy could hear him swallow
in the dark. "I taught him that it was okay to care for
someone. I taught him that when you commit to somebody, you
never leave them, and you never abandon them." Kirk tried to
smile and failed. "I created this monster. He had a logical
dilemma with no painless solution. Did he fail Chris Pike,
or fail me? Those were his options. If he didn't rescue
Chris Pike, he failed my definition of friendship and
loyalty, and therefore failed Chris and me. If he rescued
Chris, included me in the scheme, and afterwards, we both
were executed, he would have failed me. If he asked me to
help rescue Chris and I rejected him, he would have failed
us both. Last but not least, if he rescued Chris, and I was
truly not involved, he would be executed, but I would be
safe -- but betrayed, and with only one Anchor. Then he
would have failed Sam and me, but I would be alive and Pike
would be free. " Kirk leaned back against the chair. "He
made the only logical choice."

"Jim. . ." McCoy reached out and grabbed his arm. Kirk's
muscles were rock hard from the tension. "You don't deserve
this kind of treatment, from him, me, or anybody."

Kirk waved him off. "I'll get over it, Bones. I'm like a
spring. I always snap back in line."

"You keep saying that like it's some law of the universe.
One day you won't snap back, Jim. How are you going to trust
him after this?  What's it going to take for you to finally
say, 'Enough is enough'?"

Kirk chuckled.  It was a sound remarkably free of humor.
"I'll tell him that the same time I tell you that.  Or did
you forget that you just spent the last 15 minutes yelling
in my face?"

McCoy grunted and sat back in his chair. "You got me there.
I guess you get pretty tired of me yelling at you."

"Sometimes, but you always mean well.  At least you don't
yell at me on the bridge anymore.  Bones, you're the best
healer I've ever seen, and you still use anesthesia during
my surgeries.  I'm grateful." McCoy grunted at Kirk's feeble
attempt at humor. The room grew silent.

McCoy could hear the soft sounds of Kirk's breathing.  He
knew the Captain's respiratory rate would be slightly below
human normal.  He knew his heart rate would be the optimum
for a well-conditioned athlete. All of Jim's vital signs
would be perfect, because there was nothing, no instrument
to show how much he hurt inside.  Jim would never say it out
loud.  McCoy wondered why he bothered at all.

As much as he and Spock fought, there was no doubt in his
mind that Spock meant to spare Jim.  The fact that Spock had
hurt Jim could not be denied.  The fact that Spock would
hurt Jim again could not be avoided. All of them had to
travel this road to its end.  McCoy's job, obviously, was to
be there at the end of the journey to pick up the pieces.

Why was Kirk able to forgive again and again? It didn't make
sense. Spock was wrong, almost dead wrong, and Jim was
willing to take him back into the fold. McCoy thought about
it and shook his head silently. Between him and Spock, they
would probably end up killing Jim, and the idiot would come
back as a ghost and forgive them both.

The chime sounded. "Enter."

Dr. McCoy heard the door open behind him and he knew,
without turning, who it was.  Kirk didn't even look up.
Spock's voice came from the doorway.  "Captain." He bowed
his head fractionally in Kirk's direction and then turned to
look at McCoy. It was obvious to McCoy that he was the last
person Spock wanted to see, right then and there. "Dr.
McCoy, I did not realize you were still here.  I will return
when you have completed your conversation with the Captain."

McCoy rose.  "No need, Spock.  I finished what I wanted to
say.  He's all yours. " He turned to Kirk.  "You're off-duty
until tomorrow morning, Captain. Doctor' s orders."  He left
without waiting for a response.  He knew there wouldn't be
one.  As he passed Spock, he couldn't help noticing that no
matter how hard the Vulcan clasped his hands behind his
back, they still trembled.

McCoy wished he could wish Spock well, but he would rather
have beaten him to within an inch of his last breath. He
detested traitors. 'Walks like a duck, quacks like a duck,
it's a damn duck'; as his Aunt Yolinda used to say.

////////////////

When McCoy looked up, the closed door still faced him. He
thought about what Jean had asked, what Jim needed.

The other Spock's voice filled his mind, the one from the
Empire, the one with the beard, the one who raped him.  "Our
minds are merging, Doctor. Our minds are one. I feel what
you feel. I know what you know." McCoy fought down nausea.
Pain. It had hurt like a branding iron on bare flesh. The
Other Spock had stripped away all of his defenses and sifted
through McCoy's memories without any hesitation or regret.
He had seen the Vulcan's disdain for his feeble, human,
mental defenses. He had felt weak and unworthy against the
power of the unleashed Vulcan, and that weakness had enraged
him. It had taken three minutes for the other Spock to get
McCoy to betray his crewmates; three lousy minutes. Jim
hadn't even blamed him for his weakness. It was almost if he
had expected it.

McCoy's fear held him back. Spock's fear drove Spock away.
In the end, both of them had turned out to be worthless to
the one person they both valued the most.  Both of them were
traitors.

Maybe the thing that made him the maddest about Jim always
forgiving Spock was, it cast such a harsh light on McCoy's
own lack of forgiveness. He didn't forget and he didn't
forgive, easily.

Who was worse now? Who had done the worst betrayal? Spock,
who had fled out of fear of hurting Jim, or McCoy who
hesitated out of fear of being hurt.  Who was the worst
coward: Spock, who thought he was saving Jim, or Leonard H.
McCoy, who refused to help him?

McCoy heard his own soul answer, and he didn't like the
answer at all.

He heard himself say a single word.  "Healer."

Slowly, he put one foot in front of the other, until he
walked through the door and crossed to the other side.

Healer  by Istannor         - 2 -