Title: Kya Azh Kyani Author: Istannor Series: TOS Part: 1/1 Rating: [PG13] Codes: Summary: Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and Viacom, they own them, I only check 'em out from the library. I promise to bring 'em back. Thank-you to the Beta Dominitrix Editor, Mary Ellen, the Doc of Science. If there are no errors, thank her, not me. Feedback to Istannor@Aol.com Glossary shroy: listen tich: live Las'hark: name for Vulcan sun Formaji: sand Teresh-kah: Vulcan silver birds who mate for life Kya azh kyani: To be or not to be k'war'ma'khon: extended family Kya Azh Kyani Amanda walked into the room where she had left a wounded James Kirk deep in an exhausted sleep. The bed was empty. Fighting panic, she began to search for her newly-adopted son. She found him on the balcony overlooking the mountains, bathed in the full light of the Vulcan sun. He stood as still as a statue and stared out over the desert, unerringly towards Gol. "Jim, you're not well enough to be exposed to the sun yet. Come back in." He did not respond. "Please." He turned and the sun limned his body in a corona of light. For the briefest of moments the light and heat seemed to emanate from him; then reality reasserted itself. He moved slowly, still very weak and obviously in pain, as she led him back into the safety of the compound's stone walls. He wore a pair of loose desert pants, far too long and wide for him. They could have been the finest of raiment, or the basest of garb, for all the concern he showed. Most of his body was still covered with delicate Nu-skin, grafted over his burns; they would not be solidly healed for days yet. She moved through the first room into the cool interior of the sitting room, and gestured him into a seat. "Sarek and I wish for you to stay with us until you're well. We've informed Starfleet Command of your whereabouts. You're officially on assignment to Sarek, until he releases you." He thanked her solemnly and fell silent again. "James, it isn't your fault." He closed his eyes and Amanda fought down the impulse to go and hug him close. "James, please, say something." She sighed in frustration. Life seemed to have dealt her a handful of difficult men. A dry desert breeze wafted through the room, carrying just a hint of cardamom and of the desert roses that Amanda had spent twenty years coercing to grow in her garden. The battle against the sand and sun gave her an outlet to dissipate the tensions she endured daily in her life on Vulcan. Each bloom was a victory in an ongoing war; each whiff of fragrance, a tribute to her own stubbornness. All things were a struggle on Vulcan: life, flowers, childhood, marriage. Kirk took a deep breath. "I don't wish to impose, Amanda. Please forgive my earlier display. It won't happen again. I'll leave on the shuttle in the morning." To watch James Kirk feign indifference frightened her. She went on the offensive. "Were you and my son lovers, Captain?" He stared at her and seemed to take forever to understand the question. "Are you asking if we loved each other or are you asking if we had sex, Amanda? I can't believe you're asking me if I was screwing your son." "Yes, I am doing exactly that." He blinked once, and smiled faintly. "Do you normally ask about your son's sex life?" "My son is a Vulcan male-- an *unbonded* Vulcan male. His sex life is a concern for our entire family. Unbonded, he faces a painful and lonely death. He's refused all marriage proposals since T'Pring disgraced herself and almost killed you both. I have a right to know if my son is going to die during his next Pon Farr." "I would never have let that happen; I died for him once, remember. I'm told it gets easier the next time." "You're being flippant and the topic isn't amusing to me in the least little bit. Answer me, James. Are you and Spock having sex?" Kirk looked as though he would still refuse to answer. He obviously wasn't used to being commanded, especially about his private life. "Your son and I have never had sex. We've melded frequently. It was something that gave us both pleasure and a sense of true...belonging. We needed that...to anchor us. Until we found each other, we were both very lonely people." Kirk sighed and rubbed at his eyes. "Spock was my best friend, my brother, and I'm not ashamed to say I cared for him more than I ever believed I could care for any person." He suddenly grimaced in disgust. "That part of my life is over. I won't stay where I'm not wanted. I won't degrade myself for him ever again. I'd rather be alone. It's my natural state and I can get used to it again." She frowned, turned away from his pain, and looked out through the glass panels in the center of the dark wooden doors, a pair carved from a single immense Sarai-wood tree. The doors opened out on a clear sky, the desert and the distant mountains. Las'hark was at its zenith; a pair of silver Teresh-kah circled in the distance, floating on updrafts of the desert air. Their calls to each other melted into the sound of wind and shifting sand. She felt Sarek probe her thoughts, asking if she needed assistance. She pushed him away gently. Her guess was that this particular human would require a human's touch, perhaps even a mother's touch, to get past his pain and sense of abandonment. Maybe she could help him. She decided to change her approach. "James, did you realize that male bonding is accepted on Vulcan? Vulcans consider it to be illogical to form a life-bond with a person who will not be a refuge for mutual dissipation of emotions. If a Bondmate is not compatible and refuses to share emotionally as well as psychically, it can cause a devastating loss of control. The Bond is more than a refuge during Pon Farr. It's indispensable to most Vulcans throughout their lives. It keeps them connected and helps them deal with the emotions they have to suppress towards others. You know as well as I do that Vulcans are full of emotions. They choose to suppress them and control them. If you had ever seen an out-of-control Plak Tow male go after the handiest warm body available, you would truly understand the nature of their affliction." His face remained blank. "The Bond is sacred; they allow great latitude in securing a suitable Bondmate for any Vulcan adult. It's assumed that an adult seeking a Bondmate has either lost one to death, or dis-bonded due to irreconcilable differences. I'm not talking about not liking the same books, here, or the trivial reasons that lead humans to divorce. Irreconcilable differences in a Vulcan bond can lead to a very painful death, potentially for both members." He still refused to react to her information. So, she continued, feeling a little like the teacher she was. This was one lesson she had to give, and give well, or they all were doomed. "The only requirement is for both males to donate sperm to a suitable and mutually agreed-upon female. If the bonded men so desire, a woman can be found who will bond them both in a triune." He turned away and waved one hand at her in dismissal. "That was very informative, but I don't need a matchmaker; I like women, Amanda." "You love Spock," she retorted. "Loved, past tense; and it wasn't like that. I get all the sex I want, and I prefer the kind I get." "Are you honestly telling me you prefer women you don't know on planets you barely remember?" He began to shift in his seat. His hands clenched at the sides of the chair. "Is it so hard for people to believe that I simply prefer women?" "No, heterosexuality is not dead in the Federation, but you're a man who has explored everything -- except this. I found that curious, so I did some more research. The violent rape of a 13-year-old boy is not the same as consensual sex between adults, James." He jumped up and moved towards her explosively, filled with the threat of violence. Amanda felt a moment of fear before she remembered Winona Kirk's instructions: sit quietly, offering no further threat. As predicted, her passivity stopped Kirk in his tracks. She watched as he brought his anger back under control. "What do you know about it?" His voice was soft, cold. "I am the wife of the richest and most powerful man on Vulcan. That makes me the female head of the most powerful clan on Vulcan. Only T'Pau and T'Par have more potential influence. Vulcan is a matriarchy, James. I know everything I want to know, when I want to know it. Did you honestly think I did not notice how close you and Spock had become? How could I not investigate you? My son is the future head of the Clan Surak. He is not just any Vulcan. I had to learn about you. By the way, it wasn't easy." He stared at her and for a moment Amanda was tempted to call for Sarek. Kirk's eyes flashed and she could see his shoulder muscles tense. The room seemed to become very cold, and her heart pounded loudly in her ears. "What do you know about me, Amanda?" "I know about Tarsus," she answered quietly. He continued to look at her with distrust, but the sense of imminent danger retreated. "This morning, Winona Kirk called and told me to say this to you: " Choisir la verite, choisis la vie". She felt her heart slow down as he visibly relaxed. It seemed the moment of greatest danger had passed. He actually smiled, very briefly. "You spoke with my mother? How much more can I be embarrassed on this damn planet? Next, you'll say she's on the next transport. This situation would be funny, except I can't seem to laugh." "She said she'll meet you in San Francisco." Amanda watched Kirk slowly go back to his seat and then turn to face her. "I know it was horrible. I know how many people you saved and I also know how many men you killed." Spock's letters had been accurate: intense emotions indeed gave his Captain's eyes a golden tone. Amanda sensed his shame and his pain. She wondered why she could sense Kirk's emotions so clearly. What was he, to be able to project so powerfully? She realized that her telepathic impressions had an echo quality: she was actually getting them second- hand, from Sarek in his Study. She would have to discuss this human's capabilities with Sarek and S'Alal-doe, the Healer . She tucked that curiosity away for later action, and watched the emotions playing across the youthful-looking face of her new Son. Obviously his psych profile was correct, and he *did* have an overdeveloped superego. He hadn't become a monster after Tarsus, though he had been tested nearly to destruction. The classified file she'd seen included a picture of the smaller-than-average, tawny boy with the angelic face who was rescued from Tarsus. His eyes had shown deep agony and loss, as if he carried the burdens of all humanity. Reading between the lines of one report, Amanda realized Kirk would have been brain-wiped, or forced to forget by a Vulcan healer -- "as a danger to the Federation" -- if he had not brought himself back from that edge. All the reports marveled at his resiliency and his unshakable faith in the power of good. He shook his head slowly. "No you don't; no-one does." "The exact number is immaterial; the order of magnitude is clear." She watched him shrug. "Painful rape is not the same as loving sex, Jim." "I don't need a sex education class, Amanda, and loving sex with your son is not one of my options. I don't love him and I prefer women." She sighed. "You love him. It doesn't die that easily; believe me, I know. You prefer women, and Spock will never be one. You are on the horns of a dilemma. "You do know, of course, that you don't have to have sex with him except at Pon Farr. Actually there are ways for you to control him even then, I'm told, so that he'll accept another sexually, as long as you're linked psychically. A few Vulcans are physically celibate for seven years at a time and only engage in mental sex, though God knows I wouldn't settle for that. There is nothing in creation that approaches linked physical sex." She chuckled at his raised eyebrows. He probably was having a little difficulty with the picture of his best friend's parents writhing in the throes of passion. She smiled again, and wondered when parents stopped being asexual in their children's minds. "James, Spock has done something you don't understand and don't want to accept. Your feelings are hurt -- or are you going to go Vulcan on me and deny that you have any?" Kirk chuckled, but there was no humor in the sound. "No, Amanda, I have more than enough feelings to go around. Thanks to your son, I'm wearing them on my sleeve right now. I have no pride left, but I'm swimming in feelings. This would make more sense to me if I *had been* screwing him, which is crazy. There is no reason why I should feel this abandoned because some guy went into seclusion. I must be insane." Amanda suddenly realized that Kirk still did not understand the full import of what he and Spock had been to each other. Perhaps he thought all Vulcans melded with their friends. Knowing her son, Spock probably didn't know what the norm was for other Vulcans. He had always been left out, marginalized; the one person Spock had felt closest to, he who has no name, had been exiled. "James, you need to understand this: for a Vulcan, melding is more intimate than sex. During a meld they let you feel what they sense and experience. You are enveloped in total acceptance. It is an existence without loneliness, insecurity, or condemnation. Dear me, I can't express how addictive and sublime it is. When he tried to break your link, he forced you into a type of withdrawal, and it is not something you ever just * get over *. "I'm a woman of the galaxy, my dear. I know you don't have to like a person to have sex with them. Vulcans can have indiscriminate sex also, if they choose. Some do. But for Spock to meld with you was a supreme act of love. For any Vulcan to trust you with his mind, his soul, is a greater act of intimacy than mere intercourse. It means he trusted you implicitly and he loves you without reservation." Kirk grunted. "So let me get this straight, Amanda: I've been brain-fucked, but in the final analysis, I'm not good enough to stay with. Is this the way Vulcans kiss and run?" His face twisted into an unattractive sneer. She fought down her irritation. "Do you honestly believe that? " "I believe nothing. I have faith in no-one. All of that...boyscout stuff is washed out of me. The hell with it all. I'll be what everyone feared I could become." "You don't mean that; I know you don't." Kirk blinked in surprise. She knew he hadn't intended to say that. "Damn, forget that ever came out of my mouth." She saw confusion flash across his face. He looked lost and something deeper, more frightening. Amanda's stomach rebelled as she looked into Kirk's eyes again: now they were dead rocks, frozen metal. There was no warmth, no softness left, and very little humanity showing from their depths. It was the torn link. It was drawing him into insanity. She made her decision. "He came out to get you when you finally collapsed on the desert." Kirk gasped and doubled over, but she did not stop. "He carried you to the ground-car and talked to you the entire way. I don't really understand what he's doing, James Kirk, but he thinks he's doing this for your own good." Kirk buried his head in his hands and still she continued. "He tried to get me to promise to not tell you what he did. Spock thought you would try again, and that the next time it would kill you. He said he wouldn't surrender, whatever that means." She watched him try to get his breathing back under control. "Don't tell me any more. I don't want to hear anything else. Why are you doing this to me, Amanda?" His voice was a plea for mercy. She crossed over to him, knelt in front of him, and gently reached up to touch his face. "Because my son cares for you so much he is willing to sacrifice everything for you. You deserve to know that. I can see your soul dying in front of me, Jim, and I can't allow that. I watched Spock's soul be strangled and I won't stand by and let it happen to you. I stood by while Sarek and Spock built a rift so immense they still haven't managed to bridge it. That's what happens when a mother doesn't trust her own intuition. I kept telling myself that Sarek knew better, because he was Vulcan. What a fool I was." She fought down her anger at those memories. Sarek's treatment of Spock had almost ended their Bond. "I've watched you, in this house and on your ship, with my son. I've never seen him so...comfortable in his own skin. You gave him something no-one else has ever managed to give him...a home. I don't understand why he says he won't surrender. I don't pretend to completely understand your relationship with my son, but I know it is based on love. I want that to survive." He shook his head violently from side to side. "That's not going to happen. He made another decision. He ripped my head open, Amanda. Do you honestly expect me to forgive him?" James Kirk was a very stubborn man. Amanda decided that more drastic measures were necessary. "Get up." Kirk's head jerked up and he blinked in confusion. "I beg your pardon." "Your hearing is not impaired. Follow me, James." She moved slowly but didn't look back. She led him through the cool corridors of the compound towards the south wing. When they arrived at Spock's quarters, she waited for Kirk to stand beside her, then she swung the double doors open and stepped inside. The room was cool, with stone walls colored in muted shades of blues and grays. Regal, it befitted the scion of the most powerful clan on Vulcan. Sculptures of elegant, simple beauty were scattered around the room in a pattern designed to promote harmony and peace for the observer. A giant window, glazed against the sun, looked out toward Mount Selaya. An antique Amish carved oak desk, brought from Amanda's family home on Terra, occupied the best vantage point for the view outside. Spock's computer console and discs lay exactly where he had last placed them. Bare painted stone floors were polished to a high gleam. She crossed into the next room, the bedroom. A large round bed, full of purple and black pillows, occupied most of the room. The ubiquitous firepot was against one wall. Two tapestries hung from the far wall, woven with colors that seemed harsh and discordant to human retinas. Kirk walked over to look at them. One showed the betrayal and death of Surak. "Surak's tale I know; what's this other one about?" "Spock choose that one. It is from the epic of S'Alea and Sha'rien." "Who were they?" "Sha'rien was one of the greatest Warlords in the history of Vulcan. He united all the clans. S'Alea was his sword-smith and his sworn T'hy'la. It was S'Alea who forged the blade and named it Sha'rien, after his Warlord. They were also Bondmates. They had two co-wives, one of whom became the matriarch of Gol. They died together after many years of a glorious reign and the clans fell apart again. Vulcan remained fragmented until Surak. The epic tells that as Sha'rien lay dying on the sands, S'Alea broke the sword he had made, so no other could ever wield it. Then he took the broken blade and slit his own throat to follow his Warlord into the afterlife." Kirk grunted. "Pretty morbid thing to wake up to." Amanda refused to respond to that jibe. Instead, she went to a door she thought Kirk had seen before. The door opened automatically. She entered without waiting for him to follow. Inside was a storehouse of memorabilia, old toys, books, and statues; all neatly stacked and labeled on shelves around the room. Everywhere James Kirk looked, a slice of Spock's life was precisely cataloged and stored. He slowly strolled around the room. Frequently, he stopped to pick up a picture that caught his attention, or run his hand over a childhood medal his friend had won in school, or a treasure his friend had savored enough to hoard. He found a picture, held in an intricately hand-carved wooden frame, of a giant fanged teddy bear. He picked it up and lost himself in the contemplation of Spock's past. "This is what he sent home to be stored before you joined the Enterprise." Amanda's voice startled him. He had become lost in the treasures of his friend. He couldn't take his eyes off the view inside Spock's most private sanctum. "Why are you showing me this?" "Look around you, Captain. What's missing?" Her look told him that she wasn't going to give him any clues. He wandered slowly around the room again, staring at the shelves. It contained scientific information, artifacts released by the Federation to personal ownership, early childhood toys, and things Spock had crafted himself. There were some musical instruments from alien worlds, antique scientific machines, and even a microscope from the twentieth century. She was right, there was something missing. Against his will, his memories went back to Spock's cabin. They had divided their shared time between his quarters and Spock's. Both had chess sets and comfortable chairs where they used to sit and talk or meld, whatever the fancy took them to do. Spock had a firepot and a bed. A few of his favorite momentos and two gifts Kirk had given him were prominently displayed. On the dresser and beside his bed were a few pictures taken of the two of them together; one had Bones in it, too. "There are no pictures of Spock as an adult, nothing really personal, no art, and nothing I ever gave him." "Come." Amanda led him to the back of the room, and another door was revealed, off to the side, hidden from easy view by a set of shelves. She placed her palm against the reader and the door swung open. Kirk entered to stand beside her. This room had a single chair in its center, and lining the walls from floor to ceiling were pictures, art, and the gifts James Kirk had given Spock over the past five years. Everywhere he looked, there was something they had shared. On every wall was a picture from the vid-news or the vid-zines about the two of them. One wall contained all the awards Spock had ever won. Right beside Spock's awards hung replicas and announcements of all the awards James Kirk had ever received, and next to Kirk's display was one for Leonard McCoy, Montgomery Scott, and Nyota Uhura. Each member of the Enterprise command crew and the science team -- and even, he realized, Amanda and Sarek -- had a place in this room, but the lion's share belonged to James Kirk. In front of the chair, in the exact center of the room, was a duplicate of the hand-carved chess set James Kirk had given his first officer during the third year of their voyage. It was set up in an end-game. Kirk walked over and stared at the board in disbelief. It was the final position of the longest game they had ever played together, and the most difficult. It had ended in a draw, and earned them both Federation Chess Master certificates. Kirk stood silently in the center of the room. When he finally turned to look at Amanda, a single tear ran down his face. She breathed a deep sigh of relief when she saw it. "He had this room built after Babel. He spent an entire leave making it perfect. Then he put up everything himself. He told me it was his tribute to what you and he had built together, the epitome of IDIC." "I never knew," he whispered, so softly Amanda had to lean forward to hear him. "He never would have willingly shared the existence of this room with anyone. It's considered a very emotional thing to hoard memories on Vulcan. I needed to know because I was the one who brought whatever he shipped up here. He collected everything about you, James. Over there are data chips with all the stories about the Enterprise, and you. Over there are copies of that Vid-show about your voyages. Anything they wrote about you, from the basest of lies to the most glowing romances, is in this room. There are even a few fan-zines written by the 'Prisers, your groupies on Earth. Some of them are pretty darn good. "I asked him why he did this, because it didn't seem healthy to me. This is the deed of a Vulcan, not a human. In a Vulcan, this is slightly embarrassing, and only if the information gets to be widely known." Amanda walked over and ran her hand over a large framed picture of Kirk and Spock taken as they had came out of the inquiry proceedings after the Tholian incident. Kirk remembered the reporter and her intrusive questions. He looked at his own face in the holopic and it was the face of exhaustion, just as he remembered feeling; but he was smiling at Spock, who looked down at him with absolute attention. Suddenly, all of those looks and all of Spock's dedication and loyalty had a completely new interpretation in Kirk's mind. Spock was memorizing the event, and him. Amanda went on. "In a human, this borders on psychotic obsession. It took me a while to realize that the Vulcan in Spock desired this room, and not the human. He finally answered me, probably because he knew I was thinking of bringing him to a healer." He said: 'The Eridani Spock needs this room, because one day I will have outlived all that I care for. This room will serve as a reminder to me in the lean times when I am once again cast out from paradise.'" Kirk walked over to the lone chair, collapsed into it, and buried his face in his hands. Amanda joined him and placed one hand on his shoulder. "James, this is Spock...and you are as much a part of him as his heart and his soul. He hoarded you, memories of who you were together, and stored them. These are his only treasures. The first door was open; this one was locked, like his soul. You live in here," she swept her hand over the room, "and here." She touched the center of his chest. "Don't give up; give him time, or forgive him and move on, but don't lose James Kirk in the process." She felt the faintest tremor wrack his body. Amanda called for Sarek through their link. Kirk's muffled voice filtered through his hands. "When he tore the link, I thought I was going to die. The pain was worse than any blast or knife I've ever taken. I screamed at him: you promised. I kept screaming at him. I know he heard me. Then, when it was gone, I felt more alone than I've ever felt in my life. "Before I learned to depend on Spock, I never needed anything but my abilities, my skills, my command, and my ship. I know how good I am, Amanda. I'm the best Starship Captain in the fleet, no, in the history of the fleet. But with Spock, I'm even better than the best. Spock blossomed under my command. Because of our friendship, he became better than the best, too. We were unbeatable. "I let him inside my head because he told me he, no, scratch that, *we* needed it. I would have done almost anything for him. He cut me off at the legs. I'm crippled now. I feel hollow, like someone drained me out and if they shouted inside me there'd be echoes. Spock did this to me, on purpose. Now my head aches all the time, like my skull's going to burst open. I cried in front of you like a child, and I embarrassed myself in front of an entire fortress and the Federation, over a relationship that no-one understands, including me. "I can get any woman I want to screw me and none to stay with me or survive the encounter. I can beat any damn threat, save worlds, and my private life is a disaster. Half the Federation thinks I'm screwing your son, when I'm not, and the other half wonders *why* I'm not. I can't win. Now, I find out he has some type of damn mausoleum built in memory of what we had. Great. Excuse my language, but this is fucking great. I think this is the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my life. I'm going to get up, go to my quarters, get dressed, and get the hell off Vulcan. Tell your son he can kiss my lowly human ass. I'm a Man, damn it. I'm not going to be some damn wimp that keeps getting beaten up by the people I love. I'll go back to Earth, become the youngest Admiral in the history of Starfleet, make speeches, and find some brilliant, gorgeous, loving woman to bed and marry. "Fuck your son and all of his hidden needs and secrets, Amanda. I never wanted anything from him but his friendship and this is what I got. Screw him, and the horse he rode in on." His voice rose in anger and he fought visibly to quiet himself. "I'm a Man. I won't be defeated by this. I won't." Kirk stood up unsteadily and slowly began to move towards the door. Before Amanda could reach him, Sarek opened the door and nodded in silent greeting. Kirk swayed and reached out to steady himself against the lintel. "Please move, Ambassador." "I do not think that would be wise, James. I heard your diatribe against my son. That is part of the broken link. You will go mad if you continue in this vein. You did not mean those words and you do not wish to reject my son. You are hurt and the bleeding link inside your head is making you feel and do these things." Kirk moved to go around Sarek who shifted to block his way again. "Move, dammit." "Or what, James Kirk?" Kirk eyes glinted and he suddenly shot off a short powerful right towards Sarek's face. Sarek put one hand out and caught the fist. Kirk sent another blow with his left fist and Sarek deflected that and twisted the weakened human around until he held him firmly against his chest with both arms restrained. Kirk's fury escalated another magnitude. He twisted and tried to kick and bend to escape the Vulcan's powerful grip. Sarek held grimly on, but each new twist tore the human's newly-healed wounds. Soon both men were covered in bright red blood. Finally Kirk slumped, breathing in great gasps. He looked up at Amanda eyes full of accusation and silent fury. His pain made Amanda's eyes fill with tears. Sarek was certain they had to convince Kirk now, before he walked away from their lives forever. He could sense the flames eating away at the human's sanity; behind the flames lurked something even more deadly, hidden behind walls and years of control. Kirk began to struggle again. Sarek fought to convince his new son." This is the torn link, James. Let me help you; I can lessen your pain. This is not something you can do on your own. This is a thing of Vulcan. Please, I beg you, let me help." He held James Kirk with his overwhelming strength. Sarek was full Vulcan and far too strong for the human, but Kirk continued to fight against his embrace, until even Sarek began to despair. Amanda moved towards him, murmuring softly. "Jim, Baby, hear me, we want to help you. What you are feeling is the link. It will drive you insane if you let it. It will kill you if you don't let us help you." Kirk continued to struggle. "Jim," Amanda's tears flowed freely, "I can't stand by and watch you hurt like this. Baby, let go; let us help you. All we want to do is make it better for you. Do you hate us so much that you can't let us help you?" That final question stopped Kirk's struggles. He sobbed, but no more tears fell. They had all been used up. "Amanda...I...no...let me go, I can't control, let me go... I don't hate you. You haven't done anything but try to help. I just can't...I can't." "Yes, you can, James Kirk. You can do anything you put your mind to," Amanda shook him gently. "You are stronger than this pain, you are so much more than this. Don't give in to your despair. Think, Baby, think." Sarek felt the human sag against him in defeat, too weak to fight against the overwhelming difference in strength, and too exhausted to contradict Amanda's arguments. Sarek pitched his voice to a low soothing tone. "James, when have you ever acted like this? When have you ever attacked someone who was trying to help you? When have you cried as you did yesterday? This is the link. Its absence leaves a sense of utter abandonment, and a loss of emotional control. It is called the Devastation. This is why so many die after a full Bond is broken. That loss is even worse." He shook Kirk slightly, but continued to hold him tightly. "Think, shroy, tich! Are you the same man who commanded the Enterprise? Are you the man who set my son free? It is the link!" A soft moan bubbled up from Sarek's captive. Kirk slumped more and his voice was the barest of whispers. "I can't live like this. This hurts too much. Let me go." "James, I can help you." Amanda stroked the side of Kirk's face gently. "Listen to him, James. He can help you. Trust him." James Kirk looked up, his eyes full of unshed tears. "I trusted your son." "I know, Baby. I know you are hurting. We want to help you. You are our son now, we are your parents, too. We don't want you to suffer like this. *Kya azh kyani*. Decide, James Kirk." They waited for his answer. He slumped back against Sarek in exhaustion. "What will you do to me?" "I will establish a parental link with you," Sarek answered. It will fill the void until you replace it with a stronger one. It will assist you in regaining self-control and emotional balance. You will no longer feel totally alone." Kirk shook his head side to side. "No, I can't ask..." "You do not ask it; we offer it. You will be linked to us both. It does not offer the level of intimacy you once shared with my son, but it will give you a sense of shared existence, of belonging." Feeling no further resistance, Sarek cautiously let the Human go and turned him around to search his expression, looking for a clue to his thoughts. "James, please." Kirk looked at Sarek, then towards Amanda. "Why are you willing to do this for me?" Amanda began to answer, but Sarek cut her off with a look. He answered for them both. "We want to do this for you because you have loved our son better than we did ourselves. We do this for you because you saved my life and my wife's at the risk of your own. You are worthy of the deed and we have said you are our family. To not help you would be a crime." "I've never been so out of control in my adult life," Kirk confessed. "I can't go on like this, people die when I'm like this." "We know," Sarek answered. Kirk looked up at him in surprise, but let that response pass unchallenged. "Spock said you never melded with him; you shouldn't give anything to me you didn't give to Spock." Kirk's resistance was fading. He had a bit of fight still left in him, and he used the only weapon he had left, words. "My son is mistaken," Amanda countered. "He and his father melded many times when my son was a child. It was decided... we decided... to make Spock forget those melds...so that he would not wonder...or investigate...why they couldn't continue. Please believe me, it was a painful decision for us all. I think Spock still suffers from the after affects, but the other option would have been far more painful and destructive." She held her hand up before Sarek could stop her, or James could question her. "I won't tell you anything else about that, James Kirk. I wouldn't do so were you a child of my flesh. This is an issue that must always remain forgotten. We won't speak of it again. I only tell you this, so you know that Sarek *does* love his son, even if Spock does not believe it is so." "Spock believes; he told me so," Kirk whispered. The words were a gift, freely given. He began to slide towards the floor, the emotional, and the physical toll too much for his weakened state. Sarek lifted the human into his arms. "Sarek, no...I can..." "You are too weak to make it back to your quarters. I will carry you. When we get there, I will call the healer and you will sleep. Tomorrow, we will establish the link." "Sarek...," Kirk protested. "Kroykah," Sarek commanded, then softly, "Shh, James. You are safe here. We are all k'war'ma'khon in this house, none but family will note our passing. Rest." Kirk rested his head against Sarek's shirt and surrendered to the inevitable. The human fell asleep before Sarek reached the guest suite. Sarek laid him on the bed and called for the healer. They waited, Amanda sitting on the side of the bed and softly stroking Kirk's hair, until the healer shooed them both from the room.