Title: Selaya
Author: Istannor
Series: TOS
Part: 14
Rating: [PG13]
Codes:
Summary: Sarek awakens.

Selaya



Pain. He tried to suppress it, but his joints felt like rods
of ice had been driven through them and he was reluctant to
move one iota for fear of the result. His skin throbbed with
a dull steady rhythm as the bed swayed beneath him.

"Sarek, you are back. You are safe. Draw on me, Beloved."
Amanda's voice filtered through his pulsating mountain of
ache. Her love and fear filtered past the raw edges of the
Bond. He tried to tell her to stop shouting, but his mouth
would not cooperate; his eyes would not open.

"Lady Amanda, move aside so I may work." He knew that was
S'Alal-Doe. The voice spoke close to his left ear. "Thy
Human son is alive, Ambassador, and the Doctor is being
cared for. You have succeeded. Sleep." He struggled to
speak, ask more questions, but the suggestion of a Healer
was too powerful to resist. He slept.

The time immediately after he awoke the second time was full
of confusion and emotional turmoil for Sarek. Amanda's
blurred and weeping visage was the first sight he beheld as
his eyes opened onto reality from the world of the
mindscape. His limbs still ached intensely and his skin
burned as if the flame of T'Kuth shown down on him. His
mouth cracked as he attempted to speak, until the cool balm
of sweet liquid flowed down his throat. No amount of
discipline had been able to hold back the satisfied moan,
which escaped his lips as he swallowed the first few
precious drops. His head throbbed dully and his eyes
resisted all of his attempts at focusing. Beside him, he
heard deep raspy breaths, followed by very human groans,
which were quickly silenced.

He tried to turn to investigate the well being of the Human
Doctor and a Vulcan warm hand against his chest stymied his
attempts. "No, do not concern yourself, Sarek.  The doctor
is well cared for. Sleep." Without the slightest hint of
personal choice, he again fell into a deep sleep which
silenced all of his pains and worries for hours. His last
memory was of human cool lips brushing his left cheek,
followed by a clear mental flash of love and gratefulness
from his truly beloved wife.

When he awoke he felt better rested, but his extremities
still refused to respond to all of his enjoinders to cease
throbbing and burning. A presence, sensed before his ears
told him there was sound and substance near him, bade him to
open his eyes. Jean Little smiled at him openly. Sarek could
not deny the sense of satisfaction he received from the
sight of her face. He had survived and her smile allowed him
to deduce the survival of James Kirk and Leonard McCoy.

"Sarek, I have been waiting for you for 43hrs."

"Actually, I have been asleep for 43.45hrs. . .to be exact."

Jean smiled and nodded in acknowledgement. "So Spock got
that habit from you, did he? I always suspected as much."

Sarek did not deign to respond.

She chuckled and reached a hand out and laid it on his
forehead. "This should make you feel a little less battered
and bruised. I owe you and I always pay my debts."

A jolt. . .followed by a cool crescendo of tingling energy
flowed through her hand and along the complaining nerves and
muscles of the Vulcan Ambassador. Sarek felt energized
almost to the point of giddiness. Jean took her hand from
his forehead. For the briefest of time, he saw the edges of
her aura throbbing with a luminescence which made his head
swirl. It quickly faded into a warm, muted glow, closer to a
normal Human aura. He tucked the observation away to digest
later.

"Better?"

"Unquestionably." He felt off-balance, uncertain of what to
ask or do, therefore he chose silence.

She pulled a chair to the side of his bed and made herself
comfortable. "The ordeal with Nangahbee's adversary drained
you and the Doctor. I had McCoy taken from the room while he
was still unconscious, since he will require more care than
you did. I want him transported back to Earth before they
miss him. "

He realized she could have made McCoy and possibly his
entire family disappear on her word alone and without a
trace. Suddenly, he did not want to be alone with this
stranger. "What do you call who we saw?"

"Later, Sarek. We will have time for your questions when you
are stronger.  Right now, Amanda is making a nuisance of
herself, waiting for you to wake up and call for her. Let me
do that now."

"Wait." He sat up slowly and fought the slight vertigo.
"Perhaps it would be best if you had the Vulcan Embassy
notify Starfleet that James Kirk is here and safe. He was
suppose to return to duty yesterday, and I do not wish him
to be listed as AWOL, nor do I wish them to come seeking
him, especially not now."

Jean nodded her head in agreement. "We already took care of
explaining the delay in his return, but a call from Vulcan
wouldn't hurt. Give me a few minutes."

He sat while she made some calls to make his suggestion
happen. His head throbbed with a slow, methodical drumming,
each time he tried to reach for his wife's mind. Finally, he
gave up after repeated silence met his probes. "Where is my
wife?"

"Here, my Husband." His mind flooded with soft flames and
the sound of bells as his wife rushed into the room and
shouted her happiness within the Bond. He raised
outstretched fingers and felt a tingle of electricity as his
Bondmate touched his hand. Their minds flowed into place,
like water into a valley.

<I missed thy heat> Amanda's mindvoice was an amalgam of
concern, love, curiosity, solidity, constancy, humor, and
impatience.

<I missed thy coolness. Is all truly well? >

<Our new son sleeps quietly and McCoy is on his way back to
Earth. Your mother is downstairs and impatient to speak with
you. We were able to witness nothing of what you saw. >
Sarek grimaced and felt his wife share his ambivalence. <I
thought you had died. You both moaned and thrashed so and we
were helpless to pull you out. Jean would not let us go any
deeper into the meld; all we could do was send you our
strength. >

<I thought I was dying also and I did not wish to leave you.
I will tell you everything when we are truly alone. You must
call T'Pau. We have much to discuss. > He felt her
reluctance to leave fade on its own, replaced by her
realization of the necessity for her leaving. She left to
comply and Jean watched him with a bemused expression. Sarek
wondered if she had the power to hear the thoughts within
his Bond, but shrugged mentally. If she did, there was
absolutely nothing he could do about it.

Short minutes later, T'Pau and S'Alal-Doe entered and
broadcasted a palpable force. Sarek felt his head began to
throb; both women radiated a great deal of irritation and
impatience. "Everyone who enters this room must be checked.
I did not give permission for him to have visitors. He is
still very weak and his shields are inadequate for
entertaining guests." S'Alal-Doe voiced her disapproval
while she laid a hand on Sarek, sensing his aura. "Your
mind's voices will be as shouts to him at this time. Allow
me to assist him in rebuilding his shields before you enter.
It is not proper for him to be so exposed, to other than his
Bondmate." She turned pointedly and looked at T'Pau and Jean
Little.

T'Pau looked as if she would object, but Amanda spoke
forcefully. "He has been through much and I do not want my
Bondmate damaged. In this I rule. I agree."

S'Alal-Doe shooed them all from the room and they went
without further protest.

Amanda led the way into a first floor sitting room. The
walls were colored a muted gray, hung with pictures of
landscapes on Earth. Large hybrid lilies floated in
hydroponics containers interspersed with Vulcan desert
plants that flowered in loud shades of red, yellow, and
orange, and were only deadly to insects. Amanda had left
many of the traditional Vulcan garden plants out of her
inner garden after she lost her first cat to a Shthala
Bloom. Shthalas had a large multi-layered cone-shaped
brilliant orange blossom with yellow stalks that rose above
it majestically, and was deadly poison to any Earth mammal
foolish enough to eat it's blossom. Now, she preferred
simple, safe plants, and live pets. Her favorite had become
the desert rose, Airtha, which was similar to an earth
succulent. It had red blooms the size of the average human
hand and a smell that was reminiscent of ripe tangerines.

A soft settee was strategically placed against a wide
picture window overlooking Amanda's interior garden. This
was obviously her room: her Earth space. The floors were
carpeted with a plush carpet that begged for bare feet and
Amanda immediately shed her shoes as she entered.

Saylak entered behind them with a tray of refreshments,
wordlessly sat them on a low table and left without a
backwards glance.

Once they had seated themselves and everyone had a small
plate of delicacies, Amanda turned to Ambassador Little.
"S'Alal-Doe won't allow me to see my second son, either. I
do believe she could rule Vulcan if she was of a mind to.
How is Jim, Ambassador?"

She shrugged, "Call me Jean, Amanda. Ambassador is a little
formal after what we have just been through. Jim is still
alive and that's more than we had the right to expect. No
one has died; no one is permanently damaged. I'm happy."

"Are thee certain thy words are true, Ambassador Little,"
T'Pau asked softly. "I think your nephew and my grandson may
be irreparably damaged by these events."

"Have faith, T'Pau."

"Faith is illogical."

Jean snorted. "A Vulcan-Human hybrid is illogical. Warp-
speed and immortality are illogical. A Human with racial
memories and the ability to make a Vulcan feel is illogical.
I'm sorry, I fail to see your point."

T'Pau stared silently, then turned her face away.

Amanda shifted in her seat; the low ache of her husband's
distress was never far from the forefront of her mind.
Finally, she relented and crossed the room to the bar. She
poured herself a drink: a vodka gimlet, and silently looked
at Jean Little who nodded for the same.

"Jean," she began as she served the alcohol. "There are so
many more questions we want to ask you. When Sarek can sit
with us, will you answer us?"

"I will be as honest with you as I can." There was an
enigmatic expression on her face. "There are some questions
I will never answer."

"I understand." Her eyes lit with a special glow. "While
we're waiting, can you tell me one thing?"

Jean smiled. "What do you want to know Amanda?"

"Why did Spock go to Gol? You know; I know; the Formaji
knows; my son adores James Kirk. Did Jim make him leave or
did my son screw this up?"  She looked down at her drink and
took a slow deliberate sip. "No, let's be blunt, what did
Spock do to make this all go wrong?"

"Fascinating." Jean held up her hand to stop Amanda's next
question. "Why do you assume Spock messed up?"

"Spock ran, Jim didn't."

Jean's eyes widened and she stood up and walked over to the
bar where she methodically made herself another drink.
"You're a special woman, Amanda. Not many people are able to
cross true racial barriers, cultural barriers and historical
barriers and make it work." Her back was turned and she
seemed to be speaking more to the garden than to T'Pau and
Amanda. T'Pau sat silently and watched Amanda. "Jim is no
piece of cake. He . . ." she took a thoughtful sip, "has a
tendency to be . . . obsessive." She turned and looked at
them wistfully. "Oh shit, let's be honest shall we? He is a
driven son-of-a-bitch who is fixated on power, his ship,
freedom and winning. He has to be top dog and has no desire
to surrender in any relationship, especially to another man.
I know you and Sarek did your homework, so you know what
happened to him as a kid on Tarsus 4. He hates the concept
of a man dominating him, and no amount of counseling has
changed his mind. Now I ask you again: why do you assume it
had to be Spock's fault."

Amanda took a deep breath and shut her eyes momentarily.
When they opened again, there was conviction in her visage.
"Spock is an insecure, perfectionistic, isolative,
brilliant, and maladaptive male, who denies everything that
is me, in him. Jim personifies all the things my son has
been running from for his entire adult life. At the same
time, Jim personifies everything my son has been running
towards his entire life. I watched them when they visited
Vulcan for their shoreleaves. Kirk read my son like he was a
movie plot and played him like he was a violin. . . and
Spock ate it up. Why abandon a working relationship unless
you screwed it up. I understand weaknesses and I understand
what I did wrong with my son. He's stubborn and scared on a
level he will never admit to, because he thinks only Humans
are afraid." She looked at Jean and challenged her to
disagree.

T'Pau raised her left eyebrow. "Amanda, perhaps you are
being too literal in your interpretation and attribute Human
motivations to Vulcan responses in your son."

"Mother," Amanda whipped around and snapped out, "with all
due respect, stay out of this."

T'Pau pursed her lips and remained silent. In this, even the
Clan-Mother had no role. Bond-mate to Bond-Mate and Mother
to child were sacrosanct issues that she could not intervene
in unless they affected the welfare of the Clan.

Jean looked at Amanda for an interminable time.

"Truth: when Sam revealed our little secret to Spock and
McCoy, I considered killing your son and McCoy." Amanda
gasped and T'Pau nodded thoughtfully.
"Truth: I actually went to the Enterprise and tested them
all and perhaps I should share with you what I found. I've
never known my nephew to be as content and secure as he was,
even though his life was in the balance. He positively
hummed with happiness. Your son gave him that for the first
time in his adult life. Let me give you a for instance. Had
Gary lived, Jim would have killed him one day: regardless of
their friendship. Gary Mitchell felt Jim's success and his
brilliance, as a commander was the ultimate threat to his
personal manhood. Spock didn't care. The relationship
between Jim and Spock would have survived Spock's marriage
to T'Pring, Jim's marriage to any woman, imprisonment, even
defeat. What made your son run from Jim to Gol is the same
thing that made Gary follow Jim even though he envied and
hated him: love. Spock felt a force move in him that he was
unable to continue to resist, so he did the only thing he
could do. I actually respect him for that. Maybe you should
give your son more credit."

"Lust is nothing new, Jean, and it certainly doesn't deserve
any credit. " Amanda answered. "If my son . . ."

"No, stop!"  Jean shook her head sadly. "Don't do this,
Amanda.  You are still trying to discount the Vulcan in
Spock, just as Sarek forgets the Human in him. Lust, they
both could've gotten past. Jim loves to screw women, true,
and they are not a substitute or a metaphor. He really loves
them, he always has. Command training, if not his life and
times and current sensitivities, makes him sexually
competent with anything with an appropriate appendage or
hole. If Spock had needed Jim during Pon Farr, he would've
had a willing Jim during Pon Far.  It is far deeper than
that. Outside of the mating time, you have completely
asexual Bonds on Vulcan, and you have some Bondmates who rut
like rabbits, right T'Pau." She turned and gave T'Pau a
knowing look.

"Sex wasn't the issue." Jean continued. "Something reared
its head out of the primal mythology of Vulcan, and bit us
all in the ass." She shook her head in disbelief. "As soon
as you think you know what you're doing, the universe throws
you a curve ball."

"So this wasn't suppose to happen?" Amanda was incredulous.

"I believe that's what I just said. Spock and Jim were
supposed to Bond in a warrior Bond. You know the kind. They
pledge absolute loyalty, but can screw whoever they want, as
long as they make sure Pon Far is covered for each other. It
sounded pretty convenient to me and got us all past a lot of
hang-ups."

"You are very casual about our most personally held
beliefs." T'Pau interrupted, her voice dripping scorn.  "It
is not our custom to discuss Pon Farr with such disdain."

"I am not Vulcan, and disdain would not begin to describe
what I think of Pon Far and a few other things your people
did to corrupt a perfectly good beginning. People die in
pain and agony because they can't screw and get emotional
release. That is a definite corruption of Surak's intent."

T'Pau reared back in her chair. "Thee overstep thy bounds.
How dost thee know of Surak's intent, Human? Thee prattle
like a child and shall cease thy noise."

Jean smiled a predatory gleam lit her eyes. "Ask thy sister.
T'Pau," she said in archaic Vulcan, "what I know of Surak. I
think her answer would be very informative for you. As for
you demanding my silence, you can try to enforce your wish .
. . if you're feeling adventurous."

T'Pau's mouth dropped and she slumped back in the seat.
Amanda had never seen her Mother-in-law so off balance. She
enjoyed it.

Jean returned her attention to Amanda, dismissing T'Pau in
the process. "Now where was I? Oh yes. You see, Spock ran
because he was being pulled into Jim's mind against his
will, into Jim's reality, and losing his ability to tell Jim
no even when he knew he was right and Jim was wrong. He
sensed it, fought against it, and because he knew he was
losing the battle, he left. Had he stayed to force Jim to
listen, one day be would have felt compelled to force Jim's
absolute submission. Jim had gotten too proficient at
playing your son, because it's what Jim does. He didn't mean
to do it, he doesn't mean to manipulate people all the time,
but he does it all the same. We were very, very good at
training him. Your son, your wonderfully confused half
Human, half Vulcan child, didn't know himself well enough to
decide where he began and Jim left off. Spock really made
the only decision he could at the time."

"I don't believe you." Amanda stated emphatically.

Jean leaned back in her chair and shut her eyes with a sigh.
"No, I guess you don't." She took a deep breath. "We have
some time so I will tell you a story about my baby, Jim."

The chair creaked as she sat forward. Light filtered in
through the floor length windows lining the garden wall.
Water sloshed against one edge of a hydroponics tub as a
single blossom from the Airtha plant hit the Lilly's water.
"Hmm, what to tell; there is so much?" They waited. "I
know."

She sat forward. "Do you know the history of the annexation
of the sovereign Kingdom of Hawaii, in the 19th century, by
the old United States of America, despite written,
documented universal opposition by the Hawaiian indigenous
population?"

"Not really." Amanda replied. "I just know that somewhere
around 2050, America had to pay reparations to all pure
Hawaiians left in the islands, and they choose to secede
from the U.S. after that. I remember it caused a lot of
confusion at the time."

"Confusion is an understatement, but nonetheless it was an
important learning event for humans. The old U.S. had to pay
a great deal of money for that particular act. God knows
what the European Alliance would have had to pay to the Khoi
of South Africa, or the aboriginal Tasmanians, if any had
lived. I still shudder to think about the reparations paid
to the Palestinians from The North African Set, not to
mention the funds paid the Dhalits, and the Tibetans by the
East Asian Consortium." She shrugged gracefully. "Some folks
take lessons and learn how to make things better. Some learn
how to be better at making things worse. The latter skill
was used by the Colonists of Exuma 4. Do you remember any of
those events?"

T'Pau spoke. "Humans and Tellarites jointly colonized the
planet. After 53.6 years of peaceful expansion, they
discovered there was indigenous intelligent life on the
continent they had previously avoided. The equatorial
landmass had been deemed to be less hospitable because of
unusual tectonic plate movement and sudden deadly storms.
When dilithium and large deposits of precious metals were
identified on the equator, the Humans began mining
operations. Motivated by their greed, they violated their
charter and the Federation Fleet was called in to remove
them."

"Very good, T'Pau. As I was called in to deal with the
aftermath of the debacle, I will tell you something less
well known. When the Humans began to dig, they got the shock
of their lives. There was intelligent life on Exuma. T'Pau,
you are aware of this but perhaps this is news to you,
Amanda. The native population rose out of their underground
cities and approached them openly to greet them and ask them
to stop the mining." She shook her head. "They were tiny and
mostly humanoid, no more than 1.7 meters tall on the
average, with translucent skin and shades of pale gray,
amethyst, and onyx running through their skin in intricate
patterns. Three visual stalks, hairless, six fingers with
opposable thumbs, they had the most gentle voices I think I
have ever heard." She smiled a sad smile at them both.
"There wasn't an aggressive bone in the entire race. They
had been watching the colonists since they first arrived,
but they left them alone. They were willing to leave the
surface to the newcomers.  The mining was causing damage to
their underground caverns and cities, so they showed
themselves to ask us--very politely-- to return to the other
continent and stop mining over their heads."

She stood up and began to pace back and forth across the
room.  "Those cities were thousands of years old, built by a
people escaping to caves, then to tunnels and caverns to
flee the quakes and sudden storms that made the surface
deadly to them. Archeologists and researchers later said
they had been underground for 10,000 years or more. So, when
the environment and surface conditions stabilized, genetic
drift made it impossible for them to live on the surface of
their own world anymore. They were willing to share, but the
colonists weren't. They massacred each and every Exuman they
could find that day."

"Oh, God."

"No, Amanda, Humans. Well, one bright lass, a Tellarite
actually, stole a transmitter from a soldier and sent out a
distress signal to the UFP and Jim was sent to the rescue."
Jean paused and sipped slowly on her drink.

"What happened?" Amanda asked.

"He was the commander of a Cruiser. Not a huge ship, but
bigger than anything the colonists could launch. Gary
Mitchell was his first officer. Jim arrived and announced
that all harassment and hunting of the native population had
to cease. He then informed the entire colonist population:
they had to evacuate. The Prime Directive was crystal clear,
further violations were punishable by death. Nobody believed
him. Who would kill Human and Tellarite farmers and bankers
to defend some three-eyed cave slugs, or so the rumor went?
The colonists claimed they had a mandate to annex the world
to the Federation and presented a declaration passed by
their planetary council. It stated: since the native
population did not have the skill, technology, or intellect
to develop the world, the natives abdicated their claim to
the world. They said they would offer the aboriginal
population a voice in their own self government, perhaps a
nice reservation somewhere . . . less valuable." Her voice
was colder than T'Pau's had ever been in Amanda's memory.

"A diplomat was called in to negotiate the colonists'
relocation. A pleasant Tellarite gentleman named H'Rugnar.
Fortunately, it wasn't me, because he was later taken as a
hostage by the colonists to 'insure fair negotiation
practices' on the part of Starfleet.  At first, they
resisted and played games, and killed more Exumans while
words were bandied back and forth. Finally, Jim had enough
and with Gary egging him on, there was no-one to hold him
back. He got word that a bunch of Colonists were bombing an
underground city full of Exumans. He sent down a rapid
deployment squad and killed or captured every one of the
attackers. He then gave a transmitter to the Exumans and
told them the next time they were attacked, to call for
help. They were attacked again one week later, despite Jim's
guarantee to the Colonial Government that he would
retaliate. They called; Jim came. After he stopped the
attack, he fired on every single military installation the
colonists had and destroyed them all. 500 casualties and 125
deaths were verified from his bombardment. The Government
declared war on the Federation and launched what was left of
their fleet at him, filled with soldiers and using drafted
farmers and teenagers as shields because the bad guys
thought Jim wouldn't fire on them. He crippled every single
ship.  When the leaders surrendered . . . or were tracked
down and captured . . . Jim had them immediately executed
for crimes against humanity. Then he forcibly evacuated
every remaining colonist to the transport ships, as soon as
they arrived."

"The Federation helped rebuild the cities of Exuma, mine the
dilithium fields for cost, and turned all profits over to
the people of Exuma."

T'Pau added, "Vulcan supported that outcome."

Jean nodded to T'Pau. "For which I thank you, Voice of
Vulcan, since it was your vote that decided the outcome.
Anyway, that was Jim's idea of reparations. The Diplomat was
killed in the hostage stand-off, so we'll never know if a
different approach would have worked."

Amanda stared in disbelief. "How old was he when he did
this?"

"Twenty-nine, why do you ask?"

"I just . . . it seems so cold-blooded." She shivered
slightly. "I'm curious to know when the man I have come to
know as such a kind and considerate soul, was such a hard-
hearted bastard."

Jean gave a low chuckle. "You have no idea how much better
he is than he was. On Deneva, he got orders from Starfleet
to destroy the entire world, scorch it down to the bare
rocks and kill all the parasites, no matter what it took. He
never told Spock or McCoy about the message. Instead, he
insisted they find a cure and told them they would, because
he would not kill over 1 million people. In his earlier
days, he would have torched the planet, especially since the
parasites had killed his brother. Just having Spock and
McCoy around him, took him to a new level, where he was
willing to risk the loss of his ship, his command, his life,
to do the right thing. Before, he obsessed about getting and
keeping his command. By the time your son and McCoy finished
5years with Jim, his obsession became doing the right thing.
Spock did the best he could, given the circumstances."

"So, you forgive him?" Amanda stated quietly.

"Who, Spock or Jim? They both have issues."

"Spock."

"I never blamed him. Maybe you should do a little paradigm
shift yourself. They're both going to need us again, and we
need to be free of anger . . . or blame, because they'll
have enough to go around for all of us."

Amanda bowed her head and sat quietly for some time. The
only sound in the room was the occasional light tapping of
T'Pau's walking stick on the carpet, and the slow sipping
sound from Jean and her gimlet. When Amanda looked up, it
was into Jean Little's eyes. "I love my son, I just don't
understand him. You have given me alot to think about . . .
and more . . .. more honesty than I deserve. Thank-you."

Jean's eyes widened as her face slowly spread into a wide,
radiant smile. "I hope you know how special you are, Amanda.
Even when you're wrong, you're just right. I think you gave
the best part of you to Spock, and for that, I thank you."

Amanda blushed at the sincerely worded compliment and tried
to answer, but was momentarily speechless.

"Enough of this 'baring of the soul'. I consider it to be a
highly overrated activity and I do not know why you Humans
engage in it." T'Pau stood up and pounded her cane into the
floor, where it made a muffled thump. "I wish to see my son.
Perhaps his head is clear enough to avoid such maudlin
displays." She bent her head briefly and started to march
out of the room, but not before Amanda caught the reflection
off of T'Pau's dilated pupils, a sure sign of emotional
stress in Vulcan's. Amanda reached out and halted her
mother-in-law's march with the threat of a touch on her bare
arm.

"I was wrong, you were right, Mother. Thank-you for your
wisdom."

T'Pau paused and stared at her Human daughter, then nodded
curtly. "You will do. Attend me." With that, she walked out
the door and Amanda trailed behind.

Jean sat and stared quietly out of the window until T'Kuth
finally sat over the mountains.
Revelations by Istannor         - 12 -