Title: Desert Rain Author: Istannor Series: TOS Part: 1/1 Rating: [PG13] Codes: Summary: My response to the challenge about summer rain, and anger. I had no Beta, so don't beata my beta. Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and Viacom, they own them, I only check 'em out from the library. I promise to bring 'em back. Feedback to Istannor@Aol.com Desert Rain The clouds were gathering over the eastern horizon and moving towards them at an astonishing rate. Everything moved fast on this planet. The animals all ran faster then 30 meters an hour, the plants grew at ridiculous rates, and the days were only 66% of federation norm. It was too damn fast for McCoy's preference. He looked around. All his people were diligently collecting and cataloging flora and fauna, hoping for a new miracle cure for something, maybe old age. McCoy stretched and felt his back pop, vertebrae by vertebrae. He was tired, stressed out and disgusted. Yep, he admitted, disgusted. They hadn't had a shoreleave in four months. They had fought Orions, and pirates, and been attacked on two planets where they went to rescue downed private ships. Jim was walking with a limp and rubbing his head incessantly. It meant his headaches were getting worse. Jim refused pain meds, since he thought it would affect his ability to command. As a result, he always looked in pain. Since Jim was hurting and limping, Spock was worried and hovering, in a Vulcan way of course. Since Spock was hovering, Jim was going to greater lengths to get off by himself. That was something the Vulcan would usually honor, but not lately, not at all. Not since Spock's Pon Farr. Spock would not, could not, leave Jim alone since then. McCoy kept a monitor on his Captain while he slept: nightmares, every night. They were screaming, sweating, wake-you-up, disorienting nightmares. McCoy sighed, he was going to have to call both members of his command team in for a psych test. They were performing their jobs well, as usual, but they were getting scary. McCoy watched as Jim wandered a little away from the group and sat on a hillock to look over the high savanna. McCoy smiled as he watched Spock follow after a few minutes, tricorder in hand, to investigate the plants near his Captain. He wished for all the world that he was a fly on the grass of that hillock. Hmm, maybe he could...nope, unethical, wouldn't be a good idea. He'd probably get caught. He resigned himself to not knowing what they were going to talk about. Kirk shifted and tried to find a comfortable seat. It didn't work. He felt the presence of his First Officer moving towards him. He closed his eyes in frustration and swallowed the emotions that were coming to the forefront. Spock kept hovering, kept checking on him. He'd told Spock repeatedly that he held no anger over the Vulcan's Pon Farr, and Kirk guessed that was true. Unfortunately, he still couldn't explain what the hell was bothering him. He had almost decided to go and let McCoy have at him, it was that bad. He had nightmares he didn't remember and woke up calling out to people who were dead. He was irritable enough that he chose silence over snapping at his crew. And Spock. He didn't understand what was happening in his mind regarding Spock, and in all honesty, he was afraid. He kept hearing snatches of Vulcan, bells, smelling incense, and knowing things he shouldn't know. His uneasiness with the Vulcan was like a deep itch that suddenly appeared and you couldn't scratch it, because it was deep inside where no-one could reach. He picked up a clump of the long yellow grass and let it sit in his hand. Tiny bugs scurried up and down the stalks and fed on its core. He patted it back into the ground. It would reroot, everything was rooted on this world. He felt Spock get closer. Suddenly he couldn't take it: the attention, the concern, the hovering. "Science Officer, you better have a damn good reason to be over here, instead of with your team." He didn't look behind him, but he could feel Spock swallow and move his hands behind his back. Kirk could sense the Vulcan's uncertainty. "I thought the hillock might have a different selection than the flat plain, therefore I came over to investigate. " Kirk snorted in disbelief. He could feel Spock's need to say more. He waited for his First Officer to continue. "I also wished to speak with you privately. Jim, what have I done to cause you to distance yourself from me? I do not understand. If you will explain it to me, I will improve on my performance. Is this change in the manner of our interactions permanent?" Instead of making him feel better, that statement made Kirk crazed. What have you done, what have you done? Nothing dammit. Just invaded my mind, choked me to death on the red sands of Vulcan. Kept secrets from me. Forced me to become attached, non-objective. Made me realize I would give up my ship for your life. That's what you've done. He wanted to say all of that... instead he Hunched over and laughed. "Its me, Spock. It's not your fault. Just give me some time to get my head straight." "Jim..." Suddenly, Kirk could hear something different, rawer, and more vulnerable than he had ever heard from his friend. "You no longer share with me; it is painful to be cut off like this. Are we not still friends?" That question made Kirk stand quickly and turn around to face his friend. What he saw made him ashamed...of himself. He had never wanted to hurt Spock, he just had no idea how to share what he was feeling, and he couldn't even explain what he was feeling. "Spock...," he made a decision. "Come, walk with me." He turned to start down the other side of the hillock, not looking back. He knew Spock would follow. His leg was stiff again. It still needed a lot of work, more rehab and regen. That was why he was still on light duty and it was part of the reason Spock was hovering. Kirk had injured the leg on the last planetfall and Spock had blamed himself for the injury. They walked in silence until they were out of view of the away team. Kirk motioned for Spock to have a seat and they both sat on the long, bright, yellow, grass. "Spock you are my friend, my best friend. I wish I could tell you what was going on inside of me, but I don't understand it myself. Do you know I think in Vulcan sometimes now?" Spock's left eyebrow rose. "I would surmise that has been since my Pon Farr." Kirk nodded. "Jim, I should have told you what I was getting you involved in, but I was too ashamed. I tried to warn you to leave, even from the depths of Plak Tow." "I wasn't going to let that asshole, Stonn, kill you. So that was not an option. Spock, why were you ashamed to tell me about Ponn Farr and T'Pring? I've told you everything, even about emotion and urges that are ugly. I just can't understand why you didn't tell me about it. I can't help but wonder what else I don't know about you. I was learning to lean on you, to trust you absolutely, and then this came up." "Jim...," Spock fidgeted, "you do not understand, there is no reason, only mating and orgasm, which relieves nothing. The men are out of control, and the women hold our lives in their hands. If they refuse us, we die. It is a terrible loss of control, dignity, and intellect." Kirk chuckled, " Well put me down for a few days of Pon Farr. I would love some unrelieved erection with continuous sex. I have been pretty starved for affection lately." Spock eyes widened. "Jim, you do not know what you are asking for. If you were a Vulcan, you would not make light of Ponn Farr." "I most definitely am not Vulcan. But, I read Vulcan, you know that." Spock nodded. "Have you ever read any Vulcan erotica or pornography?" "Of course not, that would not be proper!" "Spock, you're too hard on yourself. You give yourself rules and regulations that your own people don't live by. You need to read some of those books. A lot of your people do, at least if how many Vulcans downloaded the books I read is any indication of their popularity, they do. Somebody on Vulcan is enjoying their Pon Farr." Spock pursed his lips and became very still. "I do not understand your point. Are you upset with me because I have not read these tomes? Are you upset with me because I did not explain enough to you, or are you upset with me because I did not look forward to the loss of control?" "All of the above and none of the above." "Jim...," "Okay, okay. I'm not sure why I'm upset Spock, but yes, a lot of it is directed towards you. Did you know that I felt you in my mind when I died?" Spock tensed. "I did not know." He turned and asked with his thoughts. "Forgive me." "You're still there. I just heard what you said: 'Forgive me'." Spock reached his hands forward, "I will break it. It is a link, nothing more." Kirk batted his hand away. "No it isn't. We had a link. I couldn't hear your thoughts with our link. What is it, Spock? Are we Bonded or something?" "No," Spock hung his head, "no, we are not Bonded." But, I would not object to that occurrence. The thought came involuntarily. With a start, he turned to Kirk in hopes that the Human had not heard it. Jim was looking out over the grasslands and seemed to have remained oblivious to the slip. "I let you kill me," Kirk whispered. "What the hell was on my mind?" Spock sat and listened. This was the most honest discussion they had yet had regarding the Pon Farr. " Early on in the fight, my strategy side kept telling me to just kill you, before the gravity and the atmosphere wore me down. But, I couldn't do it. I knew the longer the fight lasted, the greater the chance became that I would die. You're so much stronger than me. I knew how to kill you. I also knew I could do it, but I kept looking for a way to just knock you out. I signed my own death sentence. I wanted you to live more than I wanted to live. When did that become true for me?" Spock listened in amazement as Kirk continued the one sided conversation. "When I was dying, it hit me that McCoy might not be able to save me. All I could think about was that you would probably kill yourself when you found out you killed me. I just wanted you to know I forgave you, so...I reached for your mind, then I felt you reaching for mine. It hurt, Spock. It has never hurt before when we melded. It was always like summer breezes and ice cream cones. I liked our melds. But that one hurt. I've had a headache every day since. Why is that?" Kirk finally turned and looked at his friend. "In Pon Farr, a mind touch is interpreted as an attack. I thought you were attacking me telepathically, so I defended myself. I have probably injured the centers of your brain that handle our link. I felt you give way and scream. That is what brought me to back to awareness. But...it was too late...and you were just laying there with my lariat around your neck. You were not breathing." The Vulcan's hands clenched and unclenched at his sides. Spock's voice dropped to a whisper. " I wanted to die. I did not ever want to hurt you." He turned to Kirk and reached his hands towards Kirk's face. "You must allow me to heal your mind. It was my doing. Please, after this, I will never touch your mind again." Kirk pulled away. "You're willing to never touch my mind again?" "Yes, Jim. Let me heal you." Kirk shook his head. "I didn't ask you to make that offer." Spock pulled back in puzzlement. "Then...what do you wish?" "I want my head to stop hurting and I want my friend back, not who you've become. You're walking around behind me like I'm a fragile idiot. I'm not about to break. You just keep putting your ass out for me to kick it. I don't want to hurt you, Spock. I just want to understand who we've become, and I want to keep what we had that was good. But, most importantly, I don't want you to ever be ashamed to tell me anything. I tend to get damaged when you're not totally forthcoming." Spock's look of relief was unmistakable. "I will meld with you as soon as we get to the ship and fix the damage I did. Then, I will tell you whatever you wish to know about Vulcan. Is this agreeable?" "Yes." "Jim, does this mean you are not averse to melding with me in the future? Does this mean I am forgiven?" "I like summer breezes and ice cream." Kirk shrugged. Spock was about to say something else when the skies suddenly opened up with a downpour: warm, and refreshing. Spock watched his Captain open his hands out to the sky and accept its cleansing. They sat companionably in the rain, which ended as fast as it had begun. The herd in the distance made low grunting sounds as they snatched up the large insects that took flight from the newly wet grasslands. The predator stretched out, again, and continued to munch on its fallen prey. Kirk turned his face up to the many-hued sunbeams that filtered down through the clouds above. The Vulcan watched, entranced, as his friend reveled in the simple pleasure of watching a rainbow. "Jim," Spock waited for Kirk to turn to him. He wanted to see Jim's face as the human heard what he had to say. "Yeah, Spock?" "I do not think of our melds, your company, or your friendship as summer breezes, or ice cream." "Really, " Kirk raised one eyebrow in imitation of his friend's favorite look of attentiveness. "And what, my friend, do all these things remind you of?" "They remind me of rain in the midst of the desert. The rain flows into every dry nook and cranny; the desert blooms with new life. As we would say on Vulcan, I am honored to have shared water with you." The smile he received was all the reward he desired. They got up after awhile and walked back over the hill. McCoy was waiting for them with blankets, warm Saurian brandy, and a smile of welcome. He got to hear everything, without cheating; he was happy.