Title: Doctor's Logs 10
Author: Istannor 
Series: TOS
Part: 1/1
Rating: PG13
Codes: Lang., content
Summary: McCoy is ordered to keep a personal log as a
physician, of his observations aboard the Enterprise. They
are for his use only, for therapy, and to work out any
issues he might have.

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom, they own them I only check 'em out from the library.
I promise to bring 'em back.


McCoy's logs are often out of order, as far as dates,
secondary to ion storm damage to the memory banks and
his forgetting to back them up on a secondary site, like
Spock told him to.

Doctor's Logs 10

Stardate 1680.2

Okay, I realize it has been a few days since I last did one of
these darn logs. Things have been pretty dicey around here,
lately. Dicey actually isn't the right term; things have been in
total chaos around here, lately. My official log details all the
medical findings surrounding the events of Stardate 1672,
but this is going to be about my reactions and my difficulties
with what occurred. First, I am restating the obvious when I
say in the past, I hated transporters. Now, I detest them. Kirk
was beaming up from a routine geological survey of some
giant rock we were orbiting. The previous guy who had
beamed up had traces of a new ore on him that wreaked
havoc with the transporter. Kirk got beamed up as two, count
'em, two separate men. One was outwardly what you would
call good, and the other was evil, at least on the surface. They
both looked exactly like James Kirk. They both had his
memories, and they both had his raw intelligence. That's
where the similarities ended, and where my difficulties begin.

I'm not sure anyone should have to confront their darker
halves like Kirk had to. I also am not sure it's good that he
found out that his good half isn't the part that gives him the
ability to command. What that must be doing to him, I have no
idea. He says he's not ready to talk about it yet. He told me
he has seen his dark half before, but it was always in the
mirror. I don't like the sound of that. James Kirk's good half
was brilliant, sensitive to the point of tearfulness, intuitive,
empathetic, and indecisive as shit. His bad half was an
attempted rapist, an attempted murderer, a lush, and in
command. The weird thing is that the good half was fearless,
and the decisive one was terrified. Now explain to me what
that means about the man who is the real James Kirk. Is he a
drunken rapist, who is kind, gentle, and murders with
empathy?  How the heck do I know? But, the implications are
scary. Who is this man that Starfleet promoted ahead of
everyone to command its flagship, and conduct the first five
year deep space mission in its history?

I watched the man I thought was the real Kirk, disintegrate in
front of my eyes and good glory it was painful to see. He was
unable to decide. He actually said: " Somebody make the
decision." I have never seen Jim indecisive. I have never
seen him hesitate. He thinks, asks questions, and then he
makes the decision, period. That was what was missing in
that "good" man. So, does the ability to decide come from
the animalistic part of ourselves, or does it only come from
the animalistic part of Kirk. I have thought of Jim Kirk as one
of the most coldhearted sons of bitches that I have ever met.
He didn't bat an eye before he blew up that Orion captain. He
has killed without hesitation, and sometimes without visible
remorse. I have trouble integrating that persona with the man
who watches over an injured crewman until they go to sleep,
or holds a crying alien child in his arms. Both of those men
took form in front of my eyes.

 The man I was able to speak with, the good guy, was the
 kindest, most loving soul I've ever spent time with. He
 radiated intelligence, concern, tenderness, and regret that
 he might have to  harm the smallest thing. He also had none
 of Kirk's normal defenses, so he was honest to the point of
 pain about everything. He answered any question I asked
 him about himself. The picture I got was entirely different
 than the one I use to have. This man has been through literal
 hell and back several times over. My only regret is that I
 didn't ask about his sealed file, but I thought that was taking
 unfair advantage of the situation. Despite all the terrible
 things that have happened to this man, he believes, in the pit
 of his soul, that there is goodness and love in the universe.
 He really believes in what he's doing. He wants to protect the
 innocents and see new things. He burns with curiosity and
 simple joy. This must be a part of the James Kirk we know,
 but he doesn't allow us to see this part often. I want to see
 more of this unshielded man. I liked this guy a whole lot. This
 man could be my friend, my very best friend. Now that I see
 what he has to keep in check, behind his wall of will and
 Starfleet morality, I am even more impressed. Who is he in
 truth? Which part of him is dominant? That's what I still would
 like to know.

How does that cause me problems? It makes me ask who I
am in reality?  Do I have the same demons haunting me,
waiting to get out in the next transporter accident? I don't ever
want to know. I hate transporters.

Let's not even deal with Spock. Damn him. How does a man
sit up and analyze the gradual disintegration of  his own
captain, like it's an exercise in a science class. "When will
Captain Kirk be a vegetable, or a raving lunatic? Class, can
we prognosticate based on available data? " I know I
promised that I'd do better, but I can't believe he did that. Jim
and I talked about it after he was back in one piece, and all
Jim would say is: "That's Spock's way, he didn't mean any
harm."  As big as Spock's brain is suppose to be, you'd think
the man would use it every once in a while to spare his
Captain. Jim, of course, defended Spock some more, and
told me how Spock never left him alone, and Spock
answered for him when he was having trouble, and backed
him when he didn't have to. Spock could have assumed
command since Kirk was legally incapacitated. I know the
Vulcan cares in his own way, at least I think he does, but his
kind of caring is going to kill our Captain one day.

Then, I need to talk about the really stupid comment he made
to Rand. Uhura told me about it. I don't think Janice would
have. Here she was, almost violently raped by the single man
on this ship she would've given it away to gladly, if asked,
and Spock makes the stupidest comment I have ever heard.
The man is an insensitive lout. He asked her if the other Kirk
might not have had some interesting traits, or some such
nonsense. He actually was insinuating that Janice might have
found the concept of near rape invigorating. Spock is an
idiot. I told Jim about it, I had to. I was going to try to talk to
Spock about his comment, but Jim overruled me. He said
he'd do it. I saw the Vulcan yesterday after Kirk let him out of
his cabin. I have no idea what Kirk said, but Spock looked as
close to a whipped puppy as I have ever seen him look. The
Vulcan actually came to me and told me he had apologized
for his comment to her. Rand said he came to him and was
so apologetic that she wanted to hug him. He wouldn't allow
it, of course. He told her and me, that he did not understand
the concept of rape well. It does not occur on Vulcan, at least
not as we understand it. I have no idea what that means. Now
that he understands the emotional damage it can cause to
both parties, he will never make light of it again. I believe him.
Damn, I wish I could have been the fly on the wall when Jim
read him. I am salivating just thinking about it. It is truly
amazing how Jim gets Spock to understand. It is a gift I don't
have, at least not with the Vulcan. I am also lacking in that
skill with the Captain.

I watch the man on the bridge and he has retreated into
himself once again. I have noticed that he does that when
he's been hurt. He leaves us emotionally and licks his
wounds in the cave of his mind. I've caught Spock staring at
him with wide eyes. Maybe he feels guilty for the way he
treated Jim like a lab animal.  I'm just waiting for a chance to
jump in with my own two credits, and lend a hand where I can.
I did Kirk's psyche profile after the reintegration of his two
halves. He's as stable and as brilliant as ever. I have no real
grounds on which to force him into therapy. His command
function is impeccable, but he is so distant and alone right
through here. It makes my heart ache for him.

He has apologized to Rand and told her he will stand for
charges if she wishes, or release her as his yeoman if she is
uncomfortable. She will have nothing to do with doing
anything to hurt him. He personally apologized to the two
crewman he beat up and told them the same thing. They
refuse to think of it. The whole crew is gathering around him,
trying to give him support, and he is holding them back and
retreating into his own world. His problem is, he understands
too well what he did to people and what they saw about him.
He'll come back to us, he always does. I wish one time he
would share with me, while he's still hurting. He has spent too
many years being his own counsel, not trusting his pain with
anyone but himself. I think his sharing would be good for us,
both. I can understand him not approaching Spock, but why
not me?

I want to be a real friend to him, not just his CMO. I have
decided that he needs me. I wish I could explain how special
the man I saw in sickbay was. The one thing I saw that I never
would have suspected before was, how vulnerable James
Kirk is. He feels so much and lets so little change his chosen
course. He hates the loneliness of command, yet can not give
up his ability to make things happen, to make a difference.
So he stays lonely, because he feels like he has no choice.
He wants to do the right thing, even if he dies to do it. I know
this now.  I don't want anything else bad to happen to this
man. He deserves better. He deserves a true friend, and it's
going to be me.

End Log Title: Doctor's Logs Author: Istannor Series: TOS
Part: 10/? Rating: PG13 Codes: Lang., content Summary:
McCoy is ordered to keep a personal log as a physician, of
his observations aboard the Enterprise. They are for his use
only, for therapy, and to work out any issues he might have.

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom, they own them I only check 'em out from the library. I
promise to bring 'em back.

McCoy's logs are often out of order, as far as dates,
secondary to ion storm damage to the memory banks and
his forgetting to back them up on a secondary site, like
Spock told him to.

Doctor's Logs 10

Stardate 1680.2

Okay, I realize it has been a few days since I last did one of
these darn logs. Things have been pretty dicey around here,
lately. Dicey actually isn't the right term; things have been in
total chaos around here, lately. My official log details all the
medical findings surrounding the events of Stardate 1672,
but this is going to be about my reactions and my difficulties
with what occurred. First, I am restating the obvious when I
say in the past, I hated transporters. Now, I detest them. 

Kirk was beaming up from a routine geological survey of
some giant rock we were orbiting. The previous guy who had
beamed up had traces of a new ore on him that wreaked
havoc with the transporter. Kirk got beamed up as two, count
'em, two separate men. One was outwardly what you would
call good, and the other was evil, at least on the surface. They
both looked exactly like James Kirk. They both had his
memories, and they both had his raw intelligence. That's
where the similarities ended, and where my difficulties begin.

I'm not sure anyone should have to confront their darker
halves like Kirk had to. I also am not sure it's good that he
found out that his good half isn't the part that gives him the
ability to command. What that must be doing to him, I have no
idea. He says he's not ready to talk about it yet. He told me
he has seen his dark half before, but it was always in the
mirror. I don't like the sound of that. James Kirk's good half
was brilliant, sensitive to the point of tearfulness, intuitive,
empathetic, and indecisive as shit. His bad half was an
attempted rapist, an attempted murderer, a lush, and in
command. The weird thing is that the good half was fearless,
and the decisive one was terrified. Now explain to me what
that means about the man who is the real James Kirk. Is he a
drunken rapist, who is kind, gentle, and murders with
empathy?  How the heck do I know? But, the implications are
scary. Who is this man that Starfleet promoted ahead of
everyone to command its flagship, and conduct the first five
year deep space mission in its history?

I watched the man I thought was the real Kirk, disintegrate in
front of my eyes and good glory it was painful to see. He was
unable to decide. He actually said: " Somebody make the
decision." I have never seen Jim indecisive. I have never
seen him hesitate. He thinks, asks questions, and then he
makes the decision, period. That was what was missing in
that "good" man. So, does the ability to decide come from
the animalistic part of ourselves, or does it only come from
the animalistic part of Kirk. 

I have thought of Jim Kirk as one of the most coldhearted
sons of bitches that I have ever met. He didn't bat an eye
before he blew up that Orion captain. He has killed without
hesitation, and sometimes without visible remorse. I had
trouble integrating that persona with the man who watches
over an injured crewman until they go to sleep, or holds a
crying alien child in his arms. Both of those men took form in
front of my eyes.

 The man I was able to speak with, the good guy, was the
 kindest, most loving soul I've ever spent time with. He
 radiated intelligence, concern, tenderness, and regret that
 he might have to  harm the smallest thing. He also had none
 of Kirk's normal defenses, so he was honest to the point of
 pain about everything. He answered any question I asked
 him about himself. The picture I got was entirely different
 than the one I use to have. This man has been through literal
 hell and back several times over. My only regret is that I
 didn't ask about his sealed file, but I thought that was taking
 unfair advantage of the situation. Despite all the terrible
 things that have happened to this man, he believes, in the pit
 of his soul, that there is goodness and love in the universe.
 He really believes in what he's doing. He wants to protect the
 innocents and see new things. He burns with curiosity and
 simple joy. This must be a part of the James Kirk we know,
 but he doesn't allow us to see this part often. I want to see
 more of this unshielded man. I liked this guy a whole lot. This
 man could be my friend, my very best friend. Now that I see
 what he has to keep in check, behind his wall of will and
 Starfleet morality, I am even more impressed. Who is he in
 truth? Which part of him is dominant? That's what I still would
 like to know.

How does that cause me problems? It makes me ask who I
am in reality?  Do I have the same demons haunting me,
waiting to get out in the next transporter accident? I don't ever
want to know. I hate transporters.

Let's not even deal with Spock. Damn him. How does a man
sit up and analyze the gradual disintegration of  his own
captain, like it's an exercise in a science class. "When will
Captain Kirk be a vegetable, or a raving lunatic? Class, can
we prognosticate based on available data? " I know I
promised that I'd do better, but I can't believe he did that. Jim
and I talked about it after he was back in one piece, and all
Jim would say is: "That's Spock's way, he didn't mean any
harm."  As big as Spock's brain is suppose to be, you'd think
the man would use it every once in a while to spare his
Captain. Jim, of course, defended Spock some more, and
told me how Spock never left him alone, and Spock
answered for him when he was having trouble, and backed
him when he didn't have to. Spock could have assumed
command since Kirk was legally incapacitated. I know the
Vulcan cares in his own way, at least I think he does, but his
kind of caring is going to kill our Captain one day.

Then, I need to talk about the really stupid comment he made
to Rand. Uhura told me about it. I don't think Janice would
have. Here she was, almost violently raped by the single man
on this ship she would've given it away to gladly, if asked,
and Spock makes the stupidest comment I have ever heard.
The man is an insensitive lout. He asked her if the other Kirk
might not have had some interesting traits, or some such
nonsense. He actually was insinuating that Janice might have
found the concept of near rape invigorating. Spock is an
idiot. I told Jim about it, I had to. I was going to try to talk to
Spock about his comment, but Jim overruled me. He said
he'd do it. I saw the Vulcan yesterday after Kirk let him out of
his cabin. I have no idea what Kirk said, but Spock looked as
close to a whipped puppy as I have ever seen him look. The
Vulcan actually came to me and told me he had apologized
for his comment to her. Rand said he came to him and was
so apologetic that she wanted to hug him. He wouldn't allow
it, of course. He told her and me, that he did not understand
the concept of rape well. It does not occur on Vulcan, at least
not as we understand it. I have no idea what that means. Now
that he understands the emotional damage it can cause to
both parties, he will never make light of it again. I believe him.
Damn, I wish I could have been the fly on the wall when Jim
read him. I am salivating just thinking about it. It is truly
amazing how Jim gets Spock to understand. It is a gift I don't
have, at least not with the Vulcan. I am also lacking in that
skill with the Captain.

I watch the man on the bridge and he has retreated into
himself once again. I have noticed that he does that when
he's been hurt. He leaves us emotionally and licks his
wounds in the cave of his mind. I've caught Spock staring at
him with wide eyes. Maybe he feels guilty for the way he
treated Jim like a lab animal.  I'm just waiting for a chance to
jump in with my own two credits, and lend a hand where I can.
I did Kirk's psyche profile after the reintegration of his two
halves. He's as stable and as brilliant as ever. I have no real
grounds on which to force him into therapy. His command
function is impeccable, but he is so distant and alone right
through here. It makes my heart ache for him.

He has apologized to Rand and told her he will stand for
charges if she wishes, or release her as his yeoman if she is
uncomfortable. She will have nothing to do with doing
anything to hurt him. He personally apologized to the two
crewman he beat up and told them the same thing. They
refuse to think of it. The whole crew is gathering around him,
trying to give him support, and he is holding them back and
retreating into his own world. His problem is, he understands
too well what he did to people and what they saw about him.
He'll come back to us, he always does. I wish one time he
would share with me, while he's still hurting. He has spent too
many years being his own counsel, not trusting his pain with
anyone but himself. I think his sharing would be good for us,
both. I can understand him not approaching Spock, but why
not me?

I want to be a real friend to him, not just his CMO. I have
decided that he needs me. I wish I could explain how special
the man I saw in sickbay was. The one thing I saw that I never
would have suspected before was, how vulnerable James
Kirk is. He feels so much and lets so little change his chosen
course. He hates the loneliness of command, yet can not give
up his ability to make things happen, to make a difference,
so he stays lonely. He feels like he has no choice. He wants
to do the right thing, even if he dies to do it. I know this now.  I
don't want anything else bad to happen to this man. He
deserves better. He deserves a true friend, and it's going to
be me.

End Log