Title: Doctor's Logs 13
Author: Istannor 
Series: TOS 
Part: 1/1
Rating: PG13
Codes: Lang., content
Summary: McCoy is ordered to keep a personal log as a
physician, of his observations aboard the Enterprise. They
are for his use only, for therapy, and to work out any
issues he might have. This is set after the Khoi are freed
by the Enterprise. It is before the mission known as the
Naked Time.

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom, they own them I only check 'em out from the library.
I promise to bring 'em back.


McCoy's logs are often out of order, as far as dates,
secondary to ion storm damage to the memory banks and
his forgetting to back them up on a secondary site, like
Spock told him to.

Doctor's Logs 13

I am a Doctor. That has meant a lot of things for the last 4000
Standard years on Earth. At one point we were next to the
priests in importance, at another point we were the lyingest,
cheatingest sons of bitches, in the world. Then they tried to
replace us with machines,  nurses, physician assistants,
accountants, and computer programs. I have no problem with
nurses, nurse practitioners, or physician assistants. They are
fine at what they do, but they are not Physicians. Who do you
want building your one hundred story skyscraper, on swamp
land, next to the daycare center, the Structural  Design
Engineer, or the engineer's assistant? After awhile, the whole
world rebelled. They wanted the magic, the caring and the
skill that came from a physician, not an accountant. Medicine
is belief, science, communication, and decisions. The
practice of medicine is asking questions no-one else will
ask. Medicine is being the most intrusive son of a bitch you
can be, but being one only for the good of your patient.

My profession has been through a lot of changes in the last
five centuries, from the heights of prestige to the depths of
shame. Now, they screen better; they get rid of the
opportunists and the freaks before they ever get in medical
school. They turn away those who do it only for the name and
the money. Make no mistake we get paid well, even in
Starfleet. The difference is, only those who have a true fire to
heal, are allowed into medicine now. Accountants are sent to
accounting school, crooks are sent to rehab, egotists are
sent to therapy, and the rest that are left, the insane few are
allowed to heal. God, I love it. I feel blessed every day I'm
allowed to touch a patient. I feel privileged everytime a
confidence no-one else has been given, is shared with me.

I realize that this may not last forever. I realize that one day
this magnificent trip will come to an end, but in the meantime,
" on the top of the world, Ma." Yeah, I like Jimmy Cagney;
what self respecting man doesn't?

I remember when I first met James Kirk. He was
unconscious, in a medically induced coma in the sickbay at
Starfleet medical. He had been injured in a planetary survey,
where the natives were not only hostile, they were deadly as
all get out. He was on Garrovick's ship at the time, and
rumors about him had already begun to circulate around
headquarters. They said he was brilliant, fearless, uncanny,
and destined for greatness. When I saw him, he was hanging
on by a thread. I can remember thinking he looked like a boy.
In truth he was the youngest Starship Grade Lieutenant in the
history of the fleet. He was 22 years old. I remember looking
at Jim as he lay in the chamber and wondering what type of
man he was. As good as Jim Kirk looks now, without the
burdens of Captaincy, he looked like an angel at 22, a
perfect male specimen, except a little short.

We worked our asses off on that kid. Back then, I think half
the female staff was in love with him, even though he was
unconscious. I hate to think what would have happened to our
staff moral if he had died. Obviously he didn't die. When we
finally brought him up to full consciousness, and he spoke his
first words which were: "Did my squad make it?",  I saw two
nurses leave the room, and one physician, in tears. He
smiled at us, as soon as he opened his eyes. It was a
wonder to behold. The next thing he said was: "Thank-you".

I, of course, was in the middle of my deep drunks then. My ex-
wife had gotten remarried and my daughter was calling
someone else Daddy, at least that's what my Bourbon filled
mind told me was going on. Of course, I didn't believe a
single thing Jim Kirk said back then. He was full of the joys of
Space and boldly going, blah, blah. He was a liar, just like my
wife, Starfleet, my father, my Mother, and every damn other
person who told me that if I studied hard, went to medical
school, became a Doctor, healed people, and got married,
my life would be perfect. What a crock of shit. Perfection
does not exist, not even for hot shot surgeons.

Don't let anybody tell you Gary Mitchell was a complete
dickhead. He stopped short at being complete, just. He loved
and idolized James Kirk. I watched him turn off all of his
dickhead traits as soon as he entered the room with Jim
Kirk. It was eerie, in fact. Gary wanted Jim to think so highly
of him that he made himself act civilized and kind when he
was around Jim. As soon as he left Kirk's side, the true Gary
came out. He was an egotistical, cynical, manipulative
asshole. The only thing in the galaxy Gary wasn't cynical
about was Jim. He believed in Jim. I wondered then, what
kind of man could engender that response from someone
like Gary. I got a second chance to meet Gary, a few years
later, after he took a poison dart intended for Jim. My opinion
of him did not improve, but I got a glimpse of his particular
demons and I saw someone who hid a lot of pain. But, that's
another story.

James T. Kirk was the hardest working, most dedicated
patient I had ever seen. He was up and on out of the sickbay
one week after coming out of a coma. They had to make him
take a month of R and R. That's when we got to spend some
time together. I thought he was an enigma then, and he still is
now. But, we partied for one full month, at least I did. I didn't
realize until later that when we would go out and get drunk
and laid, he never was out of control. He never was drunk. I
was the one who was drunk, every night, and he just went
along. I think it was his way of paying me back for saving his
life. By the time I finished hanging out with him for that month,
I still drank, but I wasn't drunk every night. I still was
depressed, but I could see that it was going to pass. It took
me a few months after he went back to serve under Garrovick
again, to realize the quiet way my life had changed. I never
found out a lot about him then, or if I did, I was too drunk to
recall what he said. Understanding Jim did not happen until I
signed on to this ship and I'm still working on it.

Why am I saying all of this? I am reminding myself of what I
knew of him then and it leads me to who I see now. The years
have hurt him, deeper than even he knows. I think Spock is
about to hurt him even more. I talked to the Vulcan after he
brought Jim back from the Khoi. Spock is going through one
of his "stupids" again. I call them the "stupids". That's when
Spock tries to erase one half of his inheritance and act like
he has no humanity. That's where he goes and tell James
Kirk that he will be unable to be emotionally supportive, or
fulfill any other duties that Jim may want of him as a friend.
That's where he tells James Kirk, sorry I don't wish to be your
friend. The idiot did that yesterday, one week after I let Jim
out of sickbay.

Jim told me about it today. Screw Spock. He's an asshole.
Why does he do this? I saw Jim sitting by himself in the rec
room today, and he looked real strange, almost lost. When I
asked him what was up, he turned and looked at me for a full
five minutes before he answered. Then all he did was get up
and motion for me to follow him to his quarters, which I did.
Jim poured himself a huge glass of brandy and then he did
one for me, too. He sat there and told me what Spock had
announced to him that very day, in the privacy of his quarters.
His voice was filled with a quiet type of loneliness, which tore
at my very soul. Jim quoted Spock verbatim. "I can not and
will not be what you desire of me. There is no logical
rationale for friendship. There is no logical reason for a
Vulcan to form interdependent relationships. I wish to inform
you that I choose Vulcan, which means that I do not choose
the human concept of friendship. I will continue to function
loyally and efficiently as your second in command, but I will
not be your friend. If this is not agreeable to you, I will
understand. I can offer my application for transfer at your
request." Spock is an asshole.

I am glad I'm a Doctor. I am glad I choose healing. Had I
chosen killing, there would be one confused, narrow-ass,
dead, Vulcan, right about now. Let me get this straight, Gary
Mitchell, the user of Starfleet, loved James Kirk as his brother
and best friend, and Spock, who I have noted does not have
a single damn friend, wants to reject the only person who has
sincerely tried. I was mad and I wanted to kick some Vulcan
ass, instead I did what I was trained to do: I healed. I told Jim
that Spock was probably in emotional shock from the sight of
him covered in blood and looking dead. I told Jim that Spock
has so few skills at dealing with the true nature of his own
emotions that he is running from the intensity of his reaction. I
said, "Jim, that's a sign of how much Spock does care.
Spock may be crazy, but he's no fool. Spock will change his
mind."  I could see Jim lighten up a bit as I told him all of that.
I lied through my teeth. I have no damn idea if Spock will
come to his senses. I do know that the damn idiot cares for
Jim as deeply as he has ever cared for anyone. I know that it
terrifies the Vulcan, and I have no idea of what to do about it.
My job is to heal, and dammit, I am gonna heal this wound
too.

I have ordered a meeting with the Vulcan to ascertain his
emotional and psychiatric stability. We have to go watch
some idiot planet disintegrate first and then patrol the
Romulan neutral zone. As soon as that is over, the man is
going through an entire battery of psych tests, at the end of
which I'm gonna tell him about himself. How dare he do that
to Jim? Jim has done nothing but be understanding  and
accepting of Spock.  It was a stupid idea to have a Vulcan
first officer. Spock needs to return to science only and leave
the first officer routine to someone with a damn heart.

End Log