Title: Doctor's Logs 19 Author: Istannor Series: TOS Part: 1/1 Rating: [PG 13] Codes: Summary:The Enterprise meets the Squire of Gothos Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and Viacom, they own them I only check 'em out from the library. I promise to bring 'em back. Mary Ellen wants Canon now, so I am going to rush ahead to Gothos and fill in the months preceding Gothos later. Doctor's Logs 19 Stardate 2124 I'm not ready to talk about what happened on Charon. I don't know when I will be ready, but I know I need to do it soon. In the meantime life goes on. Ensign Glover is back on duty, and Lt. Jacks is no longer having nightmares. Jim just put it all away in his special room, and shut the door. I have not seen a trace of any effect on him from what we had to endure on that planet. Damn, here I'm saying I don't want to talk about it, and I've started to talk about it. Not right now, I can't handle it. We are on our way to deliver supplies to Colony Beta 6. We will be going through an area of space that is noted for its lack of anything interesting; they call it a desert in space. This is definitely a milk run, something Starfleet gave us to make up for what they just put us through. It is just possible that we might be able to accomplish this one mission without getting in any trouble, but I doubt it. I am going to go to the Bridge and join Jim. I think I should keep an eye on him, just in case. It is boring in here, and I don't want any excitement. End Log Continue Log I do not believe this. What is wrong with this galaxy? Why can't it give us a break? Someone took Jim and Sulu right off of the bridge, right in front of our frigging eyes. Dammit, after everything we just went through, why this? There's a planet up ahead that isn't on any Starfleet maps, and by rights shouldn't be out here at all. If Jim and Sulu aren't on that planet, then we have nowhere to look for them. I'm going down there with the landing party to get Jim and Sulu. If I don't make it back, and someone listens to these logs later on, don't you doubt for a minute that this is what I wanted to do. Pause Log Begin Log I do not believe how much has happened in such a short time. We found Jim and Sulu down on the surface with a character named Trelane. This guy is some kind of nut who's been watching Earth for quite some time and was somehow too stupid to realize that what he saw was affected by the time it takes light to travel through space. He was waiting for us to show up as some type of Napoleonic soldier, and was surprised we were in starships. He wanted to play with us. Of all the damn nerve. How dare he kidnap our crew men to take down to the surface and then make more of us come down there so he could be entertained? I hope he burns for eternity. When we found Jim and Sulu, they were frozen like statues on a platform inside a French Chateau out in the middle of space, on a planet without a sun. When Trelane appeared, I wanted to crap in my pants. The only thing that kept me from fainting from shock was the fact that I wanted to get Jim back. Trelane woke he and Sulu up, and the eeriest thing about it was how quietly Jim came to. He silently looked around and then he glided over the rail down to where we were and asked for a report. He acted like he gets kidnapped and frozen as a statue everyday. I have no idea how he keeps his composure like that. It ain't natural. Trelane was a complete idiot. His food was tasteless; his drinks were wet and nothing more, even the fire in the fireplace had no heat. I watched Jim and took my clues from him like the rest of us. He seemed calm, like he was appraising this guy trying to decide if he was real or not. The key was he was quiet...death and destruction was on the way. Trelane wanted to dance with the women and be entertained by stories. This is a crazy universe. The only thing more insane than the universe is my friend and Captain. He challenged Trelane to a duel with pistols, and had the unmitigated gall to let that guy shoot at him first. I guess I'm getting ahead of myself. Spock found a way around the planetary interference and beamed us all back up to the ship, but it was only a brief trip. Trelane came and retrieved us, along with Spock, Uhura, and Theresa Ross. Sometimes I forget how opinionated Spock is. Now, don't forget Trelane was powerful enough to beam us off our ship, twice. He looked at Spock and asked him if Spock was challenging him. Spock told him: "I object to you. I object to intellect without discipline. I object to power without constructive purpose." You can count on Spock to not mince words. Jim looked at Spock like he was a genius. I think the Vulcan was crazy. Why wave a red flag in front of an Andorian, or a virgin in front of a Deltan? Trelane smiled and said, " Oh, Mr. Spock, you do have one saving grace: You're ill mannered. Your human half, no doubt." I have to admit; I almost cracked up, right then and there. Tell me how the heck Trelane knew the one place to hit Spock hard and I think Spock was almost pissed off. It was almost worth the stupid stuff we had to go through to see Spock react to something visibly. Well, to be absolutely truthful, he almost reacted; I could see him think about mouthing off to Trelane again. Trelane proceeded to make Uhura play the piano, or whatever the damn thing was called, while he and Theresa danced. If it had of been me, I would've danced with Uhura and made Theresa Ross play the piano. Nyota is one fine figure of a woman and I am a tits and ass man. There is no comparison. Jim and Spock looked like a matched pair while they watched and planned what to do next. My dear Captain came up with the brilliant idea of feeding into Trelane's fantasies. He challenged the man to a duel, after slapping him across the face first. James T. Kirk is really unpredictable sometimes, and I am afraid that his lack of predictability is firmly grounded in his obsession to win, to push the envelope, even if he dies to do it. Sam's little talk basically confirmed that fact in my mind. If I was in doubt, Jim's next actions took away any lingering confusion I might have had. Forget the word unpredictable; he is crazy. They lined up in front of each other with loaded pistols and took aim, then Mr. Whimsy, himself, decided that since Jim had challenged, he, Trelane, should get to fire first. Jim balked at that, and who wouldn't have the same objection? Trelane did something very interesting than, and it made me think. He calmly turned his weapon on Spock, not the women, not any other member of the crew, but Spock. Jim almost shouted he was so eager to agree to Trelane's terms instead of letting him kill Spock. Maybe Trelane did it because he was still mad at Spock, or maybe he knew Jim's price; I don't know which it was. I don't want either of us to be the cause of Jim's death because he refuses to risk us, but it may already be too late. Jim stood there patiently and waited for Trelane to shoot him. I don't have that type of courage and I don't want that type of courage. I didn't breathe until Trelane's weapon went off and Jim was still standing. All Jim did was take a deep breath, aim, and fire at the mirror at Trelane's back, the one that gave him power. At least, both he and Spock thought that was the deal. I am not ashamed to say that we ran again, as fast and as far as we could. But... we weren't fast enough. Trelane caught us before we made warp. Now Jim is back on the planet, negotiating with a madman. Spock is pacing the bridge like a caged panther while he watches the screen and the clock. Jim gave us orders to leave without him if he is not back in another twenty minutes. I know Spock will do it, and I know that we both will never be the same again if he does. I will never forgive him if he leaves Jim. Pause Log Resume Log There's a point in life when you just have to get down on your knees and thank God, or whoever you believe in, that you are still alive. This is my point now. Trelane had powers we can't even imagine and he was nothing but a child. His parents came right before he was about to kill Jim. I guess he took exception to Jim slapping him in the face. They took Trelane home for nap time. We're on our way to Colony Beta 6 again, and hopefully, this time no one will make us stop for a visit. I watched Spock come up to Jim while we were on the bridge and ask Jim how he would categorize Trelane. Jim said: "a naughty child, or the god of war". I listened carefully while Jim dictated his log and I couldn't get over this nagging feeling that he was leaving something out. Later, I went to his cabin and I found him sitting on the edge of his bed, shirtless, shoeless, and holding his head in his hands. He didn't even look up when I came to stand in front of him. "Jim, I said, what really happened down there?" He looked up at me and something told me I needed to find out what really happened now before he was able to put it away securely in the little safe he locks up all of his pain and secrets in. "Jim, tell me. You can tell me anything: I'm your doctor and I'm your friend." Here's what he told me. "Bones, I'm a moron. There are some things humans are meant to not know, or be able to do. We are better for it if we live our lives in ignorance of certain facts. I didn't need to meet another all powerful being right now, but it looks like life is not going to give me a choice about who I meet or what I do. I tried to kill a child today, even though it was a child that was able to string me up by my neck, it still was a child. I recorded in my log almost everything that Trelane's parents told me, but I left out one important part that I don't want anybody in Starfleet to know about. If I tell you this, you have to give me your word that you'll never say a word to anybody in Starfleet Command." He added after visible consideration, " I guess I'll tell Spock, too." Of course, I promised him. My dictating this doesn't count, because Starfleet can never lay their hands on it unless I give them permission. "They are a race of beings that call themselves the continuum. It seems that Trelane is little more then a preschooler in the continuum. I actually could have killed him down there on the planet if I had of shot him with a phaser on kill the first time, or used the ship's weapons on the planet after the mirror was put out of commission. I thought about it, but I decided I didn't want to kill him; I just wanted to get out of there. His parents tell me they are indebted to me for sparing their son's life. They were grateful so they offered to make me immortal, or let me see my possible future, or fulfill any wish that I desired which was in their power to give me." "Bones," he turned his face to me and there was absolutely no peace anywhere in his body, " what do you ask for when someone offers you anything you want? I use to dream about this, and I had all my wishes lined up, but that was when I was still innocent. Could I ask them to make Gary Mitchell alive again? Could I ask them to bring my father back, or my grandfather? Could I tell them: keep Sam from dying. I thought about asking them to bring back Captain Garrovick and all the members of the crew who died on my ship all those years past. Then I realized I might as well ask them to bring back all the dead from Tarsus, or the two crew I just lost on Cerate, or ask them to never let anybody hurt you, or Spock, or the rest of my crew. I had my own damn Genie in a bottle, offering me anything, and the only thing I could come home with was nothing. I was afraid to even ask them what the limits of their powers were, because they might have told me they could make the dead breathe again." "I don't want to be immortal, Bones, or young forever. I don't want anymore power than I already have; I get in enough trouble as it is. And, if I bring back all of my dead, I cannot even imagine the hell I would let loose on the galaxy. I believe they are all in a far better place now, and they wouldn't thank me for bringing them back. I don't need any money; I don't like jewels; I don't want some all powerful entity to make Carol let me see my son, and humanity is not ready for the fountain of youth. How dare they give me that choice when I'm so unworthy of making it? I am the last person in the entire Federation who should be offered the opportunity to be God. I have the one thing I spent my whole life trying to get: the Enterprise. I never asked myself what I wanted after I became a Starship Captain. When I asked myself that question on the planet, I was lost." "Suddenly, it came to me what I wanted, the one thing I wanted most in life. There was no way to ask them for it. You know what it was?" I shook my head: no. "I wanted to be in love with someone who loved me back, and not have the person leave me, reject me, or make me kill them." He turned to look up at me and I felt my heart shatter into little tiny pieces. "Bones, how do you ask someone to give you that? I couldn't think of a way, so I didn't ask for anything, I stayed absolutely mute, so they made me a gift of something unasked for. They told me that for as long as I lived, no member of the continuum would ever bother me or hinder me again in my travels, and if the opportunity arose for a member of the continuum to aid me surreptitiously, they would. I told them I would prefer that they just leave me to my own devices, but by then they had already disappeared and I am not certain they heard me." I got down on my knees in front of him and put both of my hands on his shoulders. "There was no one better in the entire Federation to make the choice you made, and as painful as it must have been, you made the right one, Jimboy. Anybody else would have asked for unlimited riches, or lost love ones, or power. You did the hardest thing any man could do; you stayed silent." I leaned my head down to my chest and shook it side to side when it suddenly hit me how hard a choice this man had made for us all. I don't know what I would've done, but you can damn sure bet I would've asked for something. Peace probably, goodwill towards men, or immortality, or hands that could heal anything. I would've asked for something, and I would've been wrong. Jim did what he has always done, and I think he will always have to do; he made the hard choice; he made the right decision. He is definitely not a moron. I wanted to cry. I don't know why I wanted to do that. Crying is painful for me, so I fight against it as hard as I can. It should've been him wanting to cry, not me. Maybe it was because I knew he couldn't cry, because Starship Captains don't cry. I must have looked like hell because he gathered me in a great big hug and held me for a minute. I took a few deep breaths to keep from making a fool of myself. When I looked at him again, I was a little embarrassed, but he gave me a half smile that made me know that it was okay. I gave him a hypo to make him go to sleep, pushed him back on the bed, and left them in his cabin alone, while he tried not to dream about what he almost had. I'm going to go and get myself a drink now, and slowly sit here while I look at the picture of my daughter back on Earth. I'm going to think about all the things that might have been and all the choices that I made, and in the end I'm going to realize that I did the best that I could ... and so did Jim. END LOG