Title: Doctor's Logs 22
Author: Istannor 
Series: TOS
Part: 1/1
Rating: [PG 13]
Codes: 
Summary: McCoy gets a chance to come to grips with his
actions on Charon


Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom, they own them I only check 'em out from the library.
I promise to bring 'em back.

Doctor's Logs 22


Stardate 2021


I am officially supposed to be quiet for the next two weeks.
Jim is allowing me to dictate into my log and conduct my
medical affairs only, while I do my research on the customs
surrounding death and burials for 28 different alien cultures.
It's a fair punishment.

I sat and talked to him for a long time yesterday after he told
me what he was going to do to me.  He is still in Sickbay and
pretty weak right through here.  The energy cost of healing is
high with injuries like his.  I feel guilty as shit and I'm not sure
that him being so forgiving is not making me feel worse.  He
told me he had to make an example of me because I almost
caused the death of four crew persons, including myself.

The really strange thing is, it was really five people.  For
some reason, Jim doesn't include himself in the number of
people I put at risk.  I think that gives me a clue about the man
which I shouldn't overlook.  It's a scary clue.  It means he really
doesn't value his life at all, just the lives of the members of the
crew.  All the evidence continues to point to the fact that Sam
told the truth.  I still don't know what the Fruit of Humanity
means and right now, I honestly don't give a shit.

I started to think about how he had saved all of us, and it
began to bother me.  How much of what he did was because
of his obsession to not lose anybody to death and how much
of what he did was out of duty?  I don't know why this question
bothers me now.  I think it's because the more I get to know
Jim, the closer I get to him, the scarier he is.  I mean, he
makes people do things they wouldn't normally do.  I know
Ensign Glover and I know Lt. Jacks; neither of them are
especially brave people.  Sulu, is a different story.  He will
end up with his own Starship one day.  But those two, and
especially me, we acted completely against our nature,
because we knew we didn't want to fail Jim.  This is some
heavy shit.  He has never said anything in my hearing about
needing his crew to die for him, but Ensign Glover and Lt.
Jacks were willing to , and dammit so was I.  I am not a brave
man.  How do I explain what I am now willing to do because
Jim needs me to do it?  Where is my objectivity?  I have to be
able to tell this man no at the right time.  The only problem is, I
have to be sure it is the right time.

Then there is Spock.  Even I can see he was pretty shook up
by finding the both of us down on the planet covered in blood.
M'Benga told me that Spock has not left Jim's side as long
as Jim has been in Sickbay, except to go on duty. At first,
when I saw Spock for our initial de-briefing, I thought he was
going to tear me to shreds.  It wasn't like he said he would, or
even made any threatening gesture .  He radiated a coldness
and hostility that was chilling, especially since his face was
entirely blank.  There was no mistaking the fact that he was
really, really mad at me. Then, the next time I saw him, he was
as polite to me as he has ever been.  I know now that Jim
had a talk with him before Spock's radical transformation.

That's what I'm talking about.  Spock was livid. Vulcan or not,
I know the signs.  Somehow, Jim got him to admit that he
was mad at me; next, Jim got him to be nice to me. Now, a
part of me is happy that Spock is not mad at me and
because of that I feel manipulated. The worst part is I am not
sure that I don't mind being manipulated.  I know this doesn't
make any damn sense.

End Log


Dictate Log

It is the end of the first week of my silence.

I have personally taken over some of the medical care for
Jim while he recovers.  It doesn't much matter whether or
not I have a limp or not for what I have to do as a
physician.  I am helping Jim regain his mobility, his muscle
mass, and his endurance.  He gets tired pretty fast and
everybody knows he won't admit it, so I baby-sit him and
make him rest when I see that he is about to collapse.  I
have to admit, his drive to get well is making me work
harder on my leg.  I hate exercise, but since I have to
watch over him in the gymnasium, I do probably three times
as much work on my leg as I would normally do.  In a way,
his obsession is making me better also.

I am not ready yet to make my report, but I am definitely
glad that I did not have to participate in some of the
funeral practices I have read about so far. Some of them
were far worse than even I could imagine. It turns out that
eating dead flesh does not even approach some of the
nauseating shit I have been reading about.  I am not going
to try to tell anybody that I agree with these kind of
practices, but at least I understand them a little more now.
Believe it or not, on several worlds the practice of burying
the dead is considered barbaric.  On one world, it is
tantamount to declaring war.

You know, the Medical Corps in Starfleet doesn't really have
to study a lot about alien cultures or practices.  They want
us to know factual things like how to fix a broken bone on
an Andorian.  Nobody sat down and ever told me what an
Andorian believes, or even likes.  It seems my education has
been lacking.  Unfortunately, being a physician and being
over confident goes together.  We forget that just because
we can save lives, it doesn't mean that we understand the
lives of the people we save.  I'm going to work on this some
more, but that sure as shit doesn't mean I'm going to get to
like eating dead people.

Uhura came in here yesterday.  She sang to me since I
couldn't talk to her.  Scotty came in and we played checkers
silently.  My friend from engineering came in and we...
damn, you know what we did.  I think I like it better when I
don't have to talk in bed.  I could get used to it.  She's
coming back tonight.

All in all, I feel alright.  I know Jim is not mad at me
because he understands why I couldn't do it at first.  I
really didn't understand it myself until he told me.  He
actually promised  he would try not to put me in any
situation  in the future where I would be asked to  do
things that went against my gift of healing.  You can't ask
for better than that from any commanding officer.  I have
never had one even try to make that type of promise to me.
I know he will try to keep the promise to me. On the other
hand, I also know that if he has to  choose between his
promise to me and his duty to this ship and crew, the
promise goes out with the bath water.  I can understand that
and honor it.  

Maybe I'm not too old to learn something new after all.

I will say this for the record:  James T. Kirk is the best
friend I have ever had in my entire life and I thank God for
him. Lord knows, I needed someone like him in my life. I was
losing hope and giving up on humanity. Now, I feel refreshed
and ready to kick ass and take names. We are an
unbeatable
team, even when I play the role of an idiot.

End log