Title: Doctor's Logs 23
Author: Istannor 
Series: TOS
Part: 1/1 
Rating: [PG 13]
Codes: 
Summary: McCoy spends some time being introspective
after
Charon.

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom, they own them I only check 'em out from the library.
I promise to bring 'em back.



Doctor's Logs 23



My two weeks of silence is over.  I'm almost glad I had to do
it.  I did say, almost.  I did my presentation to the crew and it
went well also.  Probably the best thing to come out of this
whole debacle was the time I got to spend with Jim.  I've
been helping him work out everyday and while he is working
out I get to talk to him.  Our conversations have probably
been more honest and open than any I have had before with
him, or anybody else for that matter.

We talked about family and women.  We talked about fear
and courage.  We talked about friendship and what that
means to him.  Starfleet attracts unbelievably complex
people to the positions of service on a Starship.  I do believe
James Kirk is one of the most complex individuals I've ever
met.  I needed to know from him why he could forgive me for
messing up so badly.  I needed to understand why he wasn't
really mad at me.  I had a lot of time to think about this and I
realize that my actions risked the lives of members of the
crew.  I mean, for gosh sakes, we had to replace most of
Jim's epidermis because of my harebrained diatribe.  I
guess I really needed to know whether or not his forgiveness
was an act or was for real.

I found out the answer to my question.

Jim has a bedrock belief in people having an intrinsic nature.
He believes that my intrinsic nature is that of a healer.  He
believes that because I'm a healer, it's so much harder for me
to do things that cause death, pain, or destruction.  He thinks
I couldn't eat dead flesh because it was against my nature.

I asked him what his basic nature was.  He told me I didn't
want to know.  I can't tell you how sad that makes me feel.

We got around to talking about the nature of friendship.  I
don't have a lot of close friends.  I have plenty of buddies,
guys I'll go drinking with and run my mouth with, but I don't
consider those people to be friends.  I don't trust those men
with my life or my feelings.  I told Jim that and I also told him I
trust him with my life and my feelings.  Now, when I think
about what I told him, I'm a little surprised that I'm not
embarrassed by how honest I was with him.  It was a very
comfortable thing to say to him.  Most guys would've
blustered and made some kind of lame joke to avoid the
emotion of the moment.  Jim just smiled and said he was
honored by my gift.

I asked him how he juggled all of his friendships.  He laughed
and said: 'All what friendships?'  I told him I always meet
people who say they are friends of his. On every ship we
come across, and at most Starbases where we've stopped,
he seems to have a friend.  Of course, a disproportionate
number of them seem to be women, brilliant and beautiful
women, but he has a lot of 'friends'.

I watched him shrug and smile sadly.  "The women, " he told
me, "are enjoyable company.  I love spending time with them,
making love to them, and giving them pleasure.  It helps me
connect with myself.  They take me the closest I will probably
ever get to true intimacy by allowing me to make love to
them.  Sometimes, it is enough. Most of the men are testing
themselves against me and trying to figure out what makes
me tick.  They're hoping to find some type of clue to help
them advance in their own careers.  They're not my friends.
Gary, rest his soul, was my friend.  Sam is my friend.  You
and Spock are my friends.  I have no one else except my
mother.  There are one or two other people who I can trust,
but they don't necessarily understand me.  I'm used to it.  I
resigned myself to a life of relative isolation a long time ago.

"I know you think I may be manipulating you."  He was right; I
did think that.  "I'm not, at least not anymore.  I need you to be
able to be honest with me, Bones.  You're my visible
humanity.  Your level of disgust or disapproval tells me how
far off base I am.   I depend on you and I trust you to be
yourself.  I'm not going to let a little issue like your cultural
squeamishness mess up a good thing."

I asked him why he had forgiven me so readily.  He said, "I
was taught  that true friendship requires true forgiveness. I'm
hoping you will forgive me when the time comes.  Believe
me, it will come."

I'm not very good at forgiving.  If I'd been good at forgiving, I
would still be married.  If I had been good at forgiving, I would
be raising my child, seeing her smile every morning, and
hearing her talk incessantly about her boyfriend.  If I had been
good at forgiving...shit.

Oh God, why do I have to learn this lesson now?  Why
couldn't I have learned it before I ran away from the sight of
my wife making love to another man? She just completed
what I had begun. If I had listened to her needs, maybe she
wouldn't have found someone else to give her joy. Why did I
have to learn this out in the middle of space, from a man who
I almost killed with my righteous indignation?  I don't even
know if I have true forgiveness in my soul.

Sometimes, I get so angry at man's stupidity, cruelty, and
waste.  I hate war and killing.  I hate disease and senseless
death.  What the hell am I doing on a ship of war? I am a
healer, a meddler in people's lives. On some level, that is far
different than being a doctor.  I want to fix things, like Spock's
torn psyche and wounded ego.  I want to fix Jim's innate
loneliness and lighten his burden of guilt. I want to fix Uhura's
fear of commitment.  I want to fix Chekov's insecurity. I want
to fix Scotty's fear of human relationships. He is far more
comfortable with the predictability of a machine. I want to fix
Sulu's desire to stay in the background.  There's nothing
medical about their problems, but I want to heal them all the
same.

I keep remembering an ancient saying: "Doctor, heal thyself."
I have some work to do... on me.

Jim and I are going to go on shoreleave together at the next
opportunity. I want to spend more time with him. I want to see
him laugh again away from the burdens of command. Piper
wanted me on this ship to help Jim. I never expected how
much Jim would help me. It has been a fair exchange. In fact,
I think I am ahead on the deal.

END LOG