Title: Doctor's Logs 32
Author: Istannor
Series: TOS
Part: 1/1
Rating: [PG 13]
Codes:
Summary: McCoy reflects on recent events and his role on the
Enterprise.

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom, they own them I only check 'em out from the library.
I promise to bring 'em back.



Doctor's Logs 32


I've been thinking about this for a while now.  I told you
before that Jim killed John Gill.  I understand why he did
it and on a certain level, I agree with him.  But, the
longer I think about it, the more confused I get.  What's
the difference between what Jim did and what Professor John
Gill did?  They both made decisions that affected a world.
They both decided that their way was the right way.  Neither
one of them asked anyone else for input.  Jim just decided
that John Gill had to talk to the Nazi's to get them to
realize that Melakon was a fake. He also decided it was
worth killing Gill to make him do it.  Jim decided that it
was his job to reverse the course of the Nazi regime and
reveal the truth behind it.  Suppose he was wrong?  Suppose
John Gill didn't have to die?

This isn't the first time he's made a decision like that and
I doubt it will be the last time.  This is just the first
time he used to my hypo to inject the poison.  I don't like
that one damn bit.  I don't like being the agent of death
even if I was removed one step from the actual killing.  It
is contrary to my oath as a physician, to never kill a
sentient life-form.  But, my oath didn't stop Jim at all.
I'm not sure anything would stop Jim once he put his mind to
it.  That's what I worry about the most. What am I gonna do
if he won't listen to me and he's wrong?

Am I willing to take away his command?  Do I have enough
guts to make it stick?

Hell if I know.

Anyway, enough about Jim.  I want to talk about Giotto now.

Giotto is a strange man.  I know I say that a lot, but in
his case it's true.  He's the head of security and at 46,
13 years older than our Captain.  He used to be head of
security under Captain Pike, too.  I think their
relationship was a lot different than his relationship with
Jim.  Pike was 55 when he retired as Captain of the
Enterprise.  The Christopher Pike I knew was a thoughtful,
quiet, almost melancholy kind of guy.  He and No. One were
best friends.  They say he never got over her death.  I can
believe that.

Giotto is pure military.  He likes tightly made bunks,
polished boots, drills and salutes.  To this day, I have no
idea why he is so loyal to Jim.  I mean, Jim is not what you
call all regulation.

I had a talk with Giotto about his staff member.  You know
the one I'm talking about, the guy who broke his wrist
trying to beat Jim up the climbing wall.  I decided that I
needed to talk to Giotto about that particular type of
competition between the members of his squad.  I was
concerned that it would lead to more unnecessary injuries.

He looked at me like I was crazy.  This is what he said.
"Dr. McCoy, Redshirts have the highest mortality and
morbidity of any part of Starfleet except one.  Do you know
what part of Starfleet has the single highest mortality
while on active duty?"

I told him no. I really didn't know.

He said, "Starship Captains."

I thought about that for a few seconds and I realized we had
already lost two Starship Captains in the past six months.
One guy, Captain Leslie, went missing with his whole ship.
The other guy got killed in a skirmish with the Klingons.
Since there are only 12 Starships, that is a mortality rate
of one out of six, in six months.  I guess he's right.

Since it was a formal interview about the emotional well-
being of his staff, I recorded his response. Listen to this.

"The Captain does everything he can to make sure that my
Redshirts and he know how to work together.  Between the two
of us, we demand more of the Enterprise security squad then
is expected on any other ship.  Not only does he want them
to know when to kill, he wants them to know when not to
kill.  That's not something they teach enough of at
Starfleet Academy, Doctor. More importantly, security
personnel can come from other service branches and don't
have to be academy trained.  We drill them and drill them
again. Still, no matter what we do, we still lose crew.  I
hate it when my crew die.  The only consolation I have, they
have, and the Captain has, is that they die to keep the ship
safe.

"Below decks, we sort of have this all figured out.  See...
we figure if we keep the Captain alive, he'll keep the ship
alive.  So, if one of us dies to keep Captain Kirk in the
center seat, then we saved the entire ship.  None of us
thinks this ship will ever be defeated as long as Kirk is up
on the bridge.  So, I'm not going to tell any of my men to
stop trying to be the best, or to stop trying to beat the
best.  If they think Kirk is the best at something, their
job is to be better than him at it.  If he climbs mountains,
somebody is supposed to be ahead of him on the mountain,
beside him on the mountain, and below him to catch him if he
falls.  That's the way it is.  If you have a problem with
that, take it to the Captain.

"Right now, I have to go figure out a way to train my folks
on how to destroy androids.  If you will excuse me."

Security is the most unsecured job on a Starship, and we
still have people lining up to be Redshirts.  Maybe it is
like the old Marine Corps in the 20th century.  "Be all that
you can be."  I guess I have difficulty understanding the
mindset, since the last damn thing I want to do is jump in
front of a phaser to save anybody.  I hate phasers, and
knives, and explosives, and photon torpedoes.  They tear up
the bodies I have to put back together.  I understand it
is a personal hang up of mine.  I also understand the
head of security on this ship is training all of his
personnel to die for the life of our Captain.

I have to think about that for a while.  I'm not sure I like
the implications behind it.  I know it's nothing Jim asked
for because he'd rather be the one to die, than allow one of
his crew to perish.

It's really funny when I think about it.  Jim has a total
lack of regard for his own life.  Giotto and all the
Redshirts will die to save his skin, and Spock will... damn.
I'm not sure what Spock will do, yet.  Sometimes, I think
that Vulcan would cut off both of his arms if Jim asked him
to.  Then, I hear him say something especially insensitive,
and I think Spock doesn't give a damn about any of us.
Those are the days when I think he is just watching us from
on high, with a supercilious attitude, congratulating
himself on being Vulcan.

I know Jim sees something in Spock I don't see.
Probably, Spock lets Jim see something he will not show
me.

What is it about Jim that makes Spock try?

What is it about Jim, that make Giotto and his Redshirts
want to follow him through the gates of hell?  Why is it
when I look at Jim, I see a thirty three-year-old man
who has been through hell, is stubborn, brilliant, reckless,
impulsive, a good friend and an excellent leader, but more
than a little scary?

You know, the more and more I think about this, the clearer
my role becomes.  The Redshirts, the crew, and probably
Spock, all idolize James T. Kirk.  Shit, I have had my hand
in Jim's warm guts.  It's hard to idolize a man after that
paritcular experience.

Realist is probably the role I'm meant to play here.
Anytime Jim begins to believe the hype; my presence will
remind him that he's not Superman.  Far as I've seen, the
boy can't bend steel with his bare hands, or change the
course of mighty rivers.  He needs to remember that, and if
he forgets, I'll remind him.

The bitch of it is, he probably already counts on me to
do just that. I think I have been snookered, but the
question is: who done it? Damn, you have no idea how hard it
is to keep up with a man who can beat a Vulcan at Chess. He
is always five moves ahead of us, and we just scurry behind
screaming, "Wait for us, Jim! We want to get blown up with
you."

Yeesh. I could get rich off of this if I ever made it into a
weekly serial, but probably no one would believe me. Even if
they believed me, they probably wouldn't pay me. I'll just
end up an old, broke, fart, living on a spaceman's pension,
drinking cheap bourbon, and remembering what sex used to
feel like.


End Log