Title: Doctor's Logs 4
Author: Istannor 
Series: TOS
Part: 1/1
Rating: PG13
Codes: Lang.
Summary: McCoy is ordered to keep a personal log as a
physician, of his observations aboard the Enterprise. They
are for his use only, for therapy and to work out any issues
he might have.

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom, they own them I only check 'em out from the library.
I promise to bring 'em back. Feedback keeps me going. 
Doctor's Logs 4


Stardate 1635.2
Start Log

I watched very carefully today. I know what I see is real. That
damn Vulcan  is hiding something as sure as my middle
name is Horatio. But, what? He is oh, so careful, to never let
the mask of indifference slip. He is so very sure in his snide,
smug,  supercilious Vulcan way, that he is superior to us
Humans, and logic is superior to emotions. I don't like him. I
don't like the way he hovers, especially around Kirk. You'd
think he was attached to the man at the hip sometimes, but
he tries to act like he really doesn't care. What he does, he
tells me is only logical, in the face of his desire to work well
with the best strategic mind in Starfleet. What a crock. He is
hiding something, that other damn half of himself; the half that
is undeniably human. His father didn't have sex with an
Andorian. His mama is a human, and he acts like that part
has no validity. That ain't normal and it ain't healthy. His
psyche must be as mushy as a ten day melon.

I have started an in depth search of the psychology of
hybrids, especially firsts. It's not pretty. The first generation is
often unstable emotionally, full of anger, and resentment at
having to be the first. They, unlike any before them, have to
create entirely new rules for themselves.  They tend to be
sullen, withdrawn,  and , or defensive. I can't figure how that
relates to Vulcans since they deny having emotions. So, is
Spock sullen, angry, uncertain, or is he the walking computer
he claims to want to be?  I haven't figured him out. Piper's
records are no help. He had no more of an understanding of
the man than I do. What drives him? What brought him out
here, in defiance of tradition, to serve on a human ship?
What keeps him hovering near Kirk?

It's a puzzle, and I know that I need to solve it in order to make
this ship work right. I know that my role is to help fix Spock. I
don't know why I think that, but I do. Unfortunately, he keeps
me as far away from him as we can be and serve on the
same ship. Just what does he fear?

I watched Jim with him, the other day. They are a strange
pair. One is all dark, sharp, angles and hidden secrets. The
other one glows with a fire that blinds you to his dark
silences. I wonder how two such dissimilar people could
possibly be as in tune with each other as they already
obviously are. Jim looks his questions at Spock. He no
longer voices half of them. Spock use  to wait to be drawn
into Kirk's world, always offering knowledge, but only if
asked. Now, Kirk looks at him, and Spock answers him. He
acted like he was afraid to volunteer, but then Vulcans aren't
afraid of anything are they? So, how the hell am I suppose to
decide whether or not the first damn Vulcan- human hybrid in
the Federation is mentally sound?  Who the heck knows.?
This is impossible. I can't even unseal some of Kirk's records
and no-one will tell me why. Shit.

I decided to invite the Vulcan to dinner. Just the two of us. I
might as well have eaten in a morgue for all the conversation
we had at first. I finally decided to ask him about some of the
things that happened on board, before I joined the crew. That
at least turned his faucet on. He talked about Pike and
Number One. He described in interminable detail some of
their missions. I asked him about how he felt about Pike. He
froze me with the coldest stare I have ever seen. "Vulcans do
not feel, Doctor."  So I took another tack. What did he think of
Pike as a commander. That at least got me a dissertation on
Pike's Command tactics and style. Very boring, but
revealing. Pike came off as sounding distant, fair, and very
competent.

Next, I asked him about what his reaction was to losing out
on the position of First Officer to Gary Mitchell. He told me he
understood Captain Kirk's need to have someone he knew
as his first. Then, I asked him what he thought about Gary. I
knew Gary. He was an egotistical, womanizing, manipulative
asshole. The only person he gave a rat's ass about was Kirk.
Or so they tell me. He sure sacrificed his body for Kirk, that's
when I met him. After he took the dart for Kirk, he came to my
sickbay. Kirk was extremely attentive and thankful. Mitchell
was a perfect gentleman, until Kirk left. Then, the man
reverted to form, and became a raging pain in the ass to
everyone. The only person he showed consideration for was
Kirk. Never did figure out why.

His answer about Gary was almost the most carefully
worded, damning, statement I have ever heard from him, or
anyone, I do believe. It went like this: "Lt. Commander
Mitchell was extremely loyal to the Captain. He was
protective of the Captain's prerogatives. His skills as a
navigator were unquestionably above average. His abilities
as a Commander were not as yet fully realized and were
never allowed to come to fruition secondary to his untimely
death." That my friends is called damning with faint praise.

Now, I had to ask the next question. I asked him what he
thought of his own abilities as a First Officer. Listen to this
answer. "I am learning. I could have not have asked for a
better instructor on the finer points of command and
leadership. I would say that I am adequate, no better. I seek
to be the best at what I do, as all should, therefore I recognize
I am still woefully short of my goal. " What is your goal?  I
asked him and the answer almost floored me. "My goal is to
fulfill the needs of my Captain and do my duty." Now, ain't that
a strange answer. It says nothing about him or his needs, just
Kirk's. What about your needs Spock? I had to know. "My
need is to serve my Commanding officer and to continue my
scientific exploration of space. My needs are met."

You know I wanted more. What about your own happiness? "
Vulcans do not require happiness. It is a human goal,
fleeting, illogical, and  unrealistic to wish for."  Damn, there it
is, he may fit in one of those categories after all, just covered
by a bunch of Vulcan camouflage.  So, with all my skills as a
therapist, I go for the jugular, metaphorically speaking, since
Vulcans don't actually have one. What do you think about
Kirk? His face clamed up faster than a virgin at a toga party.
"Captain Kirk, as evidenced by his unprecedented rise to the
position of Starship Captain in record time, exactly 12.4
years ahead of  the norm, is the best military  mind in
Starfleet."

Nope, that was not going to do at all.  I continued. May be you
are right, but what do you think about him, Spock? How do
you reconcile your disbelief in happiness, with his need for
happiness? He is a pretty emotional guy, after all. Could it be
that he is right, and you are not. Maybe happiness is
important after all. He must have sensed I was after
something dangerous because I started to feel waves of
coldness radiating out from him. It was real strange.  "This
conversation is at an end, Doctor. You have gone beyond
your role as Ship's CMO. Good- day." The man got up and
walked out on me without a glance backward. Could be I was
too heavy handed. So much for going for the jugular. The
victim has to stay in range of the knife for you to get 'em. I
think I nicked him though. Let's see what he bleeds. I have
time.

END LOG

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