Title: Doctor's Logs 6
Author: Istannor 
Series: TOS
Part: 1/1
Rating: PG13
Codes: Lang., content
Summary: McCoy is ordered to keep a personal log as a
physician, of his observations aboard the Enterprise. They
are for his use only, for therapy and to work out any issues
he might have.

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom, they own them I only check 'em out from the library.
I promise to bring 'em back.


McCoy's logs are often out of order, as far as dates,
secondary to ion storm damage to the memory banks and
his forgetting to back them up on a secondary site, like
Spock told him to.



Stardate 1712.8

Start Log I have never seen a man so good at something he
hates to do so much. We destroyed a Romulan ship today.
All hands lost on board her. We had one fatality, a young
man, about to get married. I just gave his intended a little
medicinal cocktail and put her down for the night. She said
Kirk had come to see her in the Chapel. She had hugged
him, and he had hugged her back.

This old Doc is tired. I hate young folks dying. It is senseless,
dammit. We had not done anything to those bastards and
they destroyed three of our outposts. Kirk has us going back
along the route to search for survivors. We both know there
won't be any.

Romulans look just like Vulcan's. How did that happen I
wonder, and since Romulans are warlike, and emotional,
what does that mean about the truth of Vulcans' inner world?
A hell of a lot to ponder, wouldn't you say? Spock has had to
endure some pretty rough words over the last few days. That
guy on the bridge, Stiles was openly attacking him at one
point. He accused Spock of being a Romulan spy. Didn't
help that the Vulcan screwed up and revealed our position
when we were running silent. Kirk has been like a bear,
defending his cubs. Nobody is allowed to say anything about
Spock, at all. He did screw up. I am not saying the man's a
spy, I don't believe that for a minute, but truthfully something
did cause him to have a mental lapse. To deny it is stupid. It
would help if I could approach him about it and find out what
caused it, but since the Captain ordered me to drop it, I will. I
can't help but feel like I missed an opportunity here.

Kirk was really questioning himself at one point about why he
was the one to have to do this deed. I felt an empathy for the
man I had never felt before. He really didn't want to fight. I
think I didn't believe it until yesterday. Now, I am finally
convinced. I have finally figured out that being really good at
something does not mean you like to do that something. Kirk
is the best there is at war, and he doesn't like it. The conflict
between his wants, and reality,  is going to tear him apart one
day.

As for the Vulcan. I guess I am seeing what racism can do to
a person. All Spock had to do was look like a Romulan and,
suddenly the man everyone trusted as the best Science
Officer in the fleet, Kirk's right hand, became the enemy.
More people than Stiles, gave him a ration of shit. Scratch us
and under us all, is the sheen of fear of Aliens. We all are
fighting against closet prejudices. I started looking at myself. I
am embarrassed by what I found. Some of the remarks I
have made to that man are worse than anything Stiles ever
said. I want to help him. I want to understand him. What I have
been doing is harassing and insulting him. I have my own little
demons it seems.

I went to find Spock. I wanted to say something to him. I am
not sure what. He was walking the ship, on inspection tour
with Kirk. They were reviewing the damage reports. They
were standing so close, looking at a PADD, that Kirk actually
had his shoulder resting against Spock's. The news was,
Spock allowed it. I went the rest of the way with them. I told
Kirk it was to inspect the emotional state of the crew. I was
watching the two of them. Kirk was parading Spock around
the ship, to say: He is your First Officer. I trust him. You will
not question his loyalty, because I don't. You could see the
crew's misgivings evaporate. Damn that man is good. Spock
was acting like it was no big deal, except I watched him take
more time than he normally took to answer questions and
deal with crew issues. It will be alright.

The one thing I realized is, if this is how we treated Spock
after knowing him, how did strangers treat him growing up.
As a kid, there was no Kirk to defend him against all comers.
He must have had a hellish childhood. I remember reading
history books about the affects of racism on the pre-eugenics
war world. There aren't full records from the twentieth century
because of the war, but they used to think there was more
than one race on Earth. How the hell they came up with that
idea is beyond me. There is only one race native to earth,
other than cetaceans,  that's the human race. I always
wondered how they explained the fact they could all, and did
all interbreed, if there were multiple races. At one point, I
decided they were suffering from mass psychosis, brought
on by environmental pollutants. Then, I just said they were
crazy. At least humanity got past that sick shit. Now, we have
to deal with real races. Alien races. Folks whose hearts are
on the opposite side,  beings who have three arms, or who
have claws and chitinous armor. That is the challenge now,
and I'll be the first to say we almost failed, but we didn't
dammit. We just got a wake up call.

I think I'll ease up on him. He's not the bogeyman I thought he
was. I am.

End Log