Title: Dear Sam 10
Author: Istannor 
Series: TOS
Part: 1/1
Rating: [G]
Codes: 
Summary: Kirk calms down after Cerate.

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom, they own them I only 
check 'em out from the library. I promise to bring 'em back.



Dear Sam,




Shut up.  So what if you're right?  That's no reason to be such
an  asshole about it.  Yes, you're right. Okay, does that make
you feel better?  I'm being an idiot, a  complete fool. What
else do you want me to say?  Yes, the statement about
getting off my ship was too harsh.  I was just so mad, I
couldn't get past it.  I  found out I'm going to lose you, and
then his ignorant behind tries to commit  suicide.  I couldn't
take it, so I over reacted.

He has made me feel vulnerable and that makes me mad.
Suddenly, I realized on Cerate that he has gotten far enough
past my barriers to cause me profound pain if he dies.  I
wanted him to be my friend, but I don't know if I can maintain
my  command distance when I need it now.  It was like it was
you laying there in the  swamps asking me to leave you to
die.  He asked something of me I couldn't do.

Sam, what do I do now?  I'm not mad anymore, but I'm unsure
of myself and of  my decisions.  Did I do the right thing?
Maybe I should've left.  It would've been the rational thing to
do and on a certain level he would've approved of my
decision.  It's me who is the problem now.  It really doesn't
matter if it had been Spock, Uhura, M'Benga, or security.  I
couldn't leave any of them to die alone.  I think it is a fatal flaw
in me and it probably is going to cost me everything one  day.

I'm sitting in the dark in the forward observation room
dictating this letter.  The screen is on full aperture with
maximal detail.  We're moving at warp five, yet the stars drift
by at sublight before me.  They glitter and dance before my
eyes in the stately caracole of eternity. From where I'm sitting,
thestars of Earth are barely visible behind my head.  The ship
vibrates softly beneath my feet and the only noises in the
room are my voice and the faint hum of the air ducts.  I feel
her, Sam.  She is in me and through me.  I ride her through
the cosmic winds, around the islands of life, and past the
blazing infernos that pierce the darkness.  God, how I love
this.  I am alive, so alive.  Even my pain is welcome because
it makes me feel something.  I want to feel it all, see it all, live
it all, before I die.  I want so much, more than I am due, and
far more than I'm worth.

I was born for this, raised for this, and destined for this. Who
knew I could love it so.  You understand me, Sam, as I
understand you.  But even that is not enough sometimes.  I
am so greedy; I want so much more.  I want to be known and
to know completely.  If I could, I would merge with the fabric of
space and breathe it's fragrance.  I would let its fingers
caress me, and its wonders enthrall me for all eternity, or until
I saw the face of God.

Will God ever forgive me for what I've done in my life?  So
many have died on my word already.  What is the true
difference between Kodos and me?  We both have a cause.
Perhaps history texts will name me murderer,world killer, and
criminal.  Let the future call me all those names, if it must.  If I
had left Spock, I would  call myself all those names, and
worse.

I'll go apologize to him now.

Love,

Your brother 1