Title: Dear Sam 2 Author: Istannor Series: TOS Part: 1/1 Rating: PG 13 Codes: Lang. Summary: These are the letters of one Starship Captain, to his big brother, Sam. Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and Viacom, they own them I only check 'em out from the library. I promise to bring 'em back. Dear Sam, Why in the world would you and Aurelan argue over what color your front room is? You have nerve calling me stubborn. At least I know the only purpose of a man is to keep a woman happy. If you will recall, your mother told you that all the time. There's no reason in the world you should object to the color of the walls being gray. You know all you had was a testosterone surge. If your balls are itching that much, scratch them with your hands, not your wife. If I sound a little pissed, it's because I am. I would love to have somebody wanting to decide what color my home was. Today is not a good day. Quit your bitching. Sam, I'm not sure this is a good idea. I've begun to worry that I might not be the right person for this position. I feel so isolated. I'm not sure I can last doing this if I have to be alone. I'm not really talking about sex here, or marriage. As far as sex goes, I get more of that then I ever thought I would. I'm good at it. I'm very attentive to a woman's need and I make sure she's happy when she leaves my bed. But what about me? I can never really talk to any of them, because according to Starfleet regulations, unless they have appropriate clearance levels, I can't divulge any of my activities. The only reason I can tell you as much as I do is because you have clearance. You know, if you hadn't inhaled, your clearance would've been higher. You should've lied Big Brother, It always works for me. So, who do I talk to about my problems? Before you answer that, don't say McCoy or Spock. McCoy is not really a good source for emotional support right through here. The man is afraid of space, afraid of transporters, hates war, and thinks I'm a blood thirsty son of a bitch. It's pretty damn obvious to me he's not going to serve any purpose for me to bounce my problems off, about how many people I have to kill or watch die in this job. It's a tossup on how long he's going to stay out here. He has no love of the stars, Sam. He doesn't see what I see. Forget about renewing the relationship with Nyota. That is a bad idea, Sam. I gave her my word, and I'll keep it. She made her decision years ago. We can't go back. And, if I use her as a sounding board it will be too easy for us to end up in bed together. I really cared for her back then, but that was then, and it's over now. She is such an empathic, wise, wonderful person. Unfortunately, our timing was bad. She hadn't gotten the taste of that abusive asshole out of her mouth before I came on the scene. I got a real thrill out of getting rid of that particular irritant for her. Maybe I am a bloodthirsty son-of-a bitch. If only... And then there's Spock. Just when I see him relaxing a bit, just when I see a small smile teasing his face, just when I feel myself falling into a true friendship with him, he shuts me out. I think that's why I called him super-Vulcan. He uses the excuse of: I am a Vulcan and Vulcans don't require emotional closeness, to keep people, meaning me, away. What a bunch of bullshit. I've known other Vulcans and they have friends, at least their Vulcan equivalent of friends. It's not true that Vulcans don't require friends; it's true that Spock is afraid of having one. So, he teases me with glimpses of who he is, then he pushes me away just when I think it's time to get comfortable with him. It's frustrating. You know I don't cope with frustration well. I always have to figure out a way to get what I want. Now, I want the Vulcan, damn him. I want him to be my friend, not just my damn First Officer, and I can't figure out how to get any closer to him than I have already. He's loyal and supportive, but I need more. I am such a greedy bastard. It looks like I won't get what I want though, at least not for now. He can't stand the thought that he may need someone else in his life. The concept he has of himself as a self-contained island that can look at everyone in silent amusement, but maintain his distance, is ingrained in him. Shit, I know I need other people; I crave closeness like a drug. Maybe that's why I keep screwing around. I keep hoping one day that I'll luck up on someone who will stay with me, like you've found in Aurelan. So, I keep my own council, I stay to myself, and I've learned to depend on no one but myself to fulfill my needs. No one, that is, except you. I do depend on you, Sam. I know, gag. Sam, go tell Aurelan that gray walls are a fantastic idea, and then screw her until she passes out. Don't let wall color cause you two to battle. It ain't that important. Believe me, Big Brother. Love JT