Title: Dear Sam 20
Author: Istannor 
Series: TOS
Part: 1/1
Rating: [PG13]
Codes: 
Summary: Kirk decides to tell his friends a secret.

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom, they own them, I only check 'em out from the
library. I promise to bring 'em back.

Feedback to Istannor @Aol.com



Captain James T. Kirk
USS Enterprise NCC-1701
C/O Starfleet Operations
Earth Central


STARFLEET DIPLOMATIC COURIER, CODED SECURE
George Samuel Kirk Jr.
Bioagricultural Industries, Kirk Inc
Deneva Central
17 Junque St.
Deneva, UFP

Dear Sam,



Sam, I'm sorry for the maudlin letter I sent you last week. I re-
read it and I got embarrassed about how much I was
wallowing in self -pity. If I do that again, just knock me upside
my thick skull. Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me.
But, I'm glad you do it.

I know you want to know who won the chess game that we
were about to start when I was writing you the last letter.
Spock cleaned my clock-- twice and we had one draw. It was
fun. For some reason, losing to Spock doesn't make me
mad. I can't think of anybody else I have that same reaction
to. Anyway, we had another rematch the next night, and I
cleaned his clock, three times. I'm not quite sure how we can
play such a mean, cutthroat game of chess, and then look up
at each other and smile. At least I smile, and Spock raises
his eyebrow.

McCoy keeps telling me that he will never go on shoreleave
again without me. I guess he had more sex in those three
days than he had ever had before in his life, at least during
the same time period. I don't mind taking credit for that.
There are worse things I could take credit for. He was great
company, funny as hell. He kept trying to get me drunk down
there. He does the same thing when we're off duty on the
ship, too. It would be hilarious, except each new concoction
he puts together gives me a headache the next morning.

I hate to see what he's going to come up with next.

You should see Spock taste McCoy's concoctions. It's
hilarious. I'm so proud of him for even trying to do something
like that. I never ask him to hang around when McCoy is on
one of his missions to get me blasted, but Spock stays and
after we get McCoy back to his cabin and pour him into his
bunk, we go back and talk for hours sometimes. The last
McCoy special made Spock turn jade green. Scotty got so
drunk the time before last, that I made him spend the night in
my cabin. I gave him the floor.

It was my cabin, so I wasn't going to sleep on the floor. It was
my reward for staying sober.

I didn't want Scotty seen on-board ship in that state. It would
give the wrong impression. My crew might think that their
command team drinks.

Shut-up.

We have some new crew who came on board at the last
Starbase. They seem so bright and eager. Now, I have to
whip them into shape so they make it home in one piece.
Every time I get someone back home I feel fantastic.

Sam, I've decided to tell Spock and McCoy all about me. I'm
just waiting for the right time. I'm scared, Big Brother.
Suppose it's too much for them, or suppose they decide we
are wrong? I may have to kill them and I don't think I could live
with that.

I don't want to kill any more of my friends.

Remember what Gary wrote on that mock Tombstone:
James R. Kirk? I'm glad no-one ever saw it. They'd want to
know why my best friend didn't know my middle name.
James R. Kirk, James Revenant Kirk. Gary never did
understand.

Jean Little came on board before we landed at the Starbase.
You know what that was about. I passed. It hurt. Spock and
McCoy showed up on cue. There's nothing to say, but you
were absolutely right. She says they were the right choice. I
thought Spock was going to kill our cousin. I just barely got
out the words in time to stop him from grabbing her. That's
not a confrontation I'd ever want to see. An Old One versus a
Vulcan would be an ugly sight. It's a good thing we're all on
the same side.

It felt good to be protected, Sam. Doesn't that sound
strange? I've had to depend on myself for so long, I've
forgotten how it feels to be protected. Gary tried, but too
many times, I was pulling him out of the soup, instead of vice
versa. He did try, though. Spock is different. He wants to
protect me, Sam. You can feel the power build in him. It gives
me a rush to know that all of that power is at my beck and
call. I could do almost anything with him at my back. I could...
but that's the danger isn't it?

Power...it's the ultimate aphrodisiac.

Damn. I'm sorry. It's so easy to fall into the trap.

I know you did the best you could when you picked them both
for me. It was your right and your role, but losing them is not
acceptable. I may ask Jean to come back if they can't accept
what I say. That way they won't remember a thing and we can
go on as we were before you brought them into the game.
You will just have to find  another anchor for me, in that case.

It's obvious I need one.

Jean loves me. She told me that before she tested me. She
said she would cry for me if I died. I believe her.  I think she
would save them for me, don't you? Spock would be hard,
even for her. I have sensed his power, but hers is from a
deeper and far older well.

If you can think of anything you absolutely don't want me to tell
them, let me know the usual way. Otherwise, I'm airing all the
dirty laundry, well, almost all the dirty laundry. Some things I
know they aren't ready to hear.

I'll put the usual blocks on it, so they can never inadvertently
tell. You know I can't keep them from telling it all one day, if
that is their conscious and ethical choice. I never could do
that, even before Tarsus. Free will, Sam. I still believe in it, no
matter who the hell I was born to be. The choice is still mine...
and theirs.

Love, Jim

July 22, 1999 Page 2