Title: Dear Sam 21
Author: Istannor 
Series: TOS
Part: 1/1
Rating: [PG13]
Codes: 
Summary: Kirk discusses his shoreleave with Bones.

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom, they own them, I only check 'em out from the
library. I promise to bring 'em back.

Feedback to Istannor @Aol.com

Dear Sam, 


What more do you want to know about the test? I told you
about it already. Cousin Jean was here. I passed. She was
very pleased with your choices.

Okay, there was more. I hate it when you do this. She thinks
Spock is the one. I'm not certain how that makes me feel;
confused would be the best description. I guess I always
imagined The One to be a woman. I thought she'd be slim,
dark-haired, and have beautiful eyes. That was as far as I
could ever imagine. No, Jean says it's a tall, lanky, Vulcan
male who will be my anchor.

I wanted to be in love with my life's companion, not just joined
at the hip to them. I thought I could have it all, love, Lifemate,
and an anchor all in the same person. It doesn't look like that
will happen now. I'm glad, if it had to be a guy, that it's Spock.
I feel comfortable around him, calm and secure. It has been a
gradual realization for me that he is able to allow me a period
of relative peace whenever he's around. I also have started to
sense him more strongly. Sometimes I know, just like they
said I would. I know what he's thinking, what he's feeling, and
what he's afraid of.

Vulcans are nothing like people picture them to be. You think
I'm crazy, Spock makes me feel like the sane one
sometimes. He's all hidden silences and tensions. I can feel
him trying to control, Sam. Sometimes it feels like he's being
pulled in every way but the good way. I don't like that. I like it
better when I feel his serenity. It's not as often as you would
think. I can sense that while he's in the lab. Sometimes I'll go
down the to hear what he's doing. He likes to talk about that
quite a bit. It gives him a glow; it warms him up a mite
He was calm when we were on shoreleave together. I can
feel the same serenity while we play chess and sometimes
after he meditates, but not always. His serenity seems to give
me a little well of peace. When he is around, I forget for a
moment who I am and what's ahead.

I guess I should tell you this. I think Spock tried to kill Jean. He
didn't recognize her while she was testing me. You know that
thing she likes to do to cloud recognition is pretty impressive.
I'm very glad I can't do it. It's far too tempting a skill to have.

I know, get to the point.

It hurt, Sam. It's never hurt like that before. I could feel how
worried she was. She wasn't sure about me anymore. She
saw the way I killed the Orion captain, Kleinschmidt, and
even the beast on Charon. I was judged for them all.

Damn, Sam, it's not my fault if I get some sense of
satisfaction out of killing the bad guys. I don't think I enjoy it,
per se. I guess I feel ...vindicated. I feel like they asked for it. I
just gave them what they wanted. There is one major
problem. Being righteous doesn't keep me from feeling sick
deep in my gut for killing. I haven't been able to resolve my
paradox. Maybe it was my uncertainty that made Jean
decide to let me live.

I wish I could tell you that I was ecstatic that I survived the test.
I'm not. If my death serves a purpose, so be it. I know there
are people who fear death... and I probably should be among
that number. But, in all honesty, death is probably the ultimate
adventure. I mean, a spirit shouldn't have any limits. I can go
anywhere, see anything, be any when, if you know what I
mean. Maybe all my wanderlust will be gone in the hereafter.

I know... get on with it.

Spock went feral on Jean. His eyes glazed, his mouth
tightened into a snarl and when he grabbed Jean, I could feel
how much effort it took for her to withstand him. When he
realized a simple grab wouldn't do, I could see him decide to
kill her. That's when I screamed at him to stop and told him
who Jean was. To be perfectly honest, I just told him Jean
was our cousin. I told them she was doing what she was
supposed to do.

He stopped and that was when McCoy walked in like he was
lost but had decided to bluff it out.

I could hardly see straight by then.

Jean told them they would do just fine. Then, she walked out
with that regal pose she prefers to flaunt. What a show off she
is. But I guess coming from her, it isn't showing off at all.
Get this, Sam. She says Spock came to her cabin and
confronted her. He told her he would not allow her to harm me
if it was in his power to prevent it. You know what she said.
"It's not in your power to prevent any act I wish to commit."
She admitted to me that was exactly what she said.

I'll give her credit, she told Spock how valuable his loyalty was
to me and she told him she honored him and his sense of
commitment. She refused to tell him about us. She insisted it
was our story to tell.

McCoy met with her later and in essence did the same damn
thing.

You did great, Big Brother. I couldn't have asked for better
friends, or anchors.

Anyway, now I have to get my nerve up to tell them the whole
truth. I'm scared. There, I'll admit it. For once, I care enough
about someone on a personal level, that I fear rejection. What
will happen to me if they can't accept the truth? What will
happen to the Enterprise? You know I don't handle rejection
well. That's another admission that should have come as no
surprise to you. I'm used to getting my way, being admired,
and being catered to. I'm spoiled rotten. Carol rejected me
and I still haven't gotten over it.

Oh well, I don't really have any choice do I? As Grandpa used
to say: "A Kirk's gotta do what a Kirk's gotta do." I know. It
was pretty silly back then, and it's equally silly now.

Regardless, I need to take some steps towards learning to
trust people with the personal side of me. Life is nothing but a
continual choice between growth or stagnation. I want to
grow.

If you make one crack about my height, I'll smack you by
courier.


Love,


Jim