Title: Dear Sam 23 Author: Istannor Series: TOS Part: 1/1 Rating: [PG13] Codes: Summary: We give our thanks to Ambassador Spock's estate for allowing us to view these records. It allows us an unusual insight into the process by which the most famous Command team in Starfleet history, became a team. Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and Viacom. They own them. I only check 'em out from the library. I promise to bring 'em back. Captain James T. Kirk USS Enterprise NCC-1701 C/O Starfleet Operations Earth Central STARFLEET DIPLOMATIC COURIER, CODED SECURE George Samuel Kirk Jr. Bioagricultural Industries, Kirk Inc Deneva Central 17 Junque St. Deneva, UFP Dear Sam, We found the tourists and, per usual, we found trouble. It turns out some of the pirates who have been raiding Klingon and Tholian space had their base on the same planet where the excursion ship -- The Nautilus -- crash-landed. The Captain of the vessel and the tour director died during the landing. The Captain did a better job than I expected him to, given the terrain he was forced to land in. I hope it made him feel better about his decision to divert the ship into the great Nebulae. It was ill-advised, but I can understand the lure of that part of space. It's beautiful beyond the ability of mere words to describe. He died having achieved both of his goals, seeing the Nebulae and landing his passenger safely. Sometimes, that's all you can ever ask for. I wish I could ask for one more thing. Li Chu, a 25 year old crewwoman died yesterday. A pirate shot her with a 'dirty gun', right through her chest. I tried, Sam. I tried so hard to will her to live. It didn't work and I have no idea why I thought it would. I had my hand on her chest to try to staunch the flow of blood. I pushed and willed with all of my strength. She lasted long enough to die on the ship. Since 'dirty gun's', cauterize at the same time they carve human flesh, sometimes the wound is sealed by the burn and people survive horrendous wounds. I've seen it happen before. Not this time. I was with her when she died. She looked peaceful. Bones is pretty broken up about it. He blames himself. I have no idea why. He didn't take his crew down to that planetoid. I did. He didn't get pinned to the rocks so he couldn't kill the pirate before the pirate killed Li Chu, I did. He didn't screw up. I did! I did! I did! I sat and thought about it all night. Spock stayed with me. I can't think of anything I did wrong, but it still turned out with Li Chu dead. Pause. Resume. McCoy came to the forward observation deck last night. He was drunk and tried to get me drunk. He thought it might help me decompress. I have no idea why he keeps trying. It didn't work. Spock and I got him back to his cabin and all tucked in. I gave him the day off today. He needs to calm down and take a break, a sober break. I told him that today. He looked at me like I was the crazy one. I wasn't drunk as a skunk last night. He asked me what I was going to do to decompress. I assured him that I was fine. I don't need to decompress. It was my fault and I accept that. I can move on. I don't need to get drunk to move on. Li Chu died saving a little girl named Chinyere Mwana. She is a beautiful happy child who did not deserve to be killed by a pirate. I killed them all, Sam, every last one of the bastards. Let Jean judge me for that. I don't care anymore. I offered them a chance to surrender and they refused. They didn't get a second chance. They threatened children and civilians. They killed a member of my crew. Let them burn for all I care. I wrote a letter to her parents and her daughter. I think it was better than the letter we got about Dad. The first one was so impersonal. The one from April was... better. At least I know uncle Bob knew Dad and cared about him. I knew Li Chu. Her friends called her Bambi. She always seemed so happy and enthusiastic. Her eyes were always wide open and looking at everything like they were the best surprises she had ever seen. I didn't react when she died. I went distant again. It seems that my method of dealing with the death of a member of my crew is to push it aside and think about it later. It makes me wonder if my crew thinks of me as a callous, unfeeling bastard. If I let my actions stop to mourn the death of someone as soon as it happens, I could lose more crewmembers. So, I will risk seeming heartless, if it will save one person's life. I need to go quiet to think. I always need to look at what I did, the decisions I made, and figure out where I went wrong. I need to make their deaths count. Maybe it is heartless to be able to push my feelings aside and deal with them later. I can't judge whether it is or isn't. It's me. I have to accept who I am first, if I want anyone else to accept me. Spock and I sat for hours before McCoy came and after we put McCoy to bed. His presence helped me. I felt his support beside me and I felt like he wasn't judging me. That gave me a measure of peace. I don't feel nearly as bad today as I did yesterday. The memorial service is tomorrow. We will carry the body with us until we reach a Starbase. Starfleet will get Li home for the final time. Leave me in space, or where ever I fall. My home is not Earth. My home is out here. Love, Jim October 19, 1999 Page 4