Title: Dear Sam 4
Author: Istannor 
Series: TOS
Part: 1/1
Rating: PG 13
Codes: Lang.
Summary:  These are the letters of one Starship Captain, to
his big brother, Sam.

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom, they own them I only check 'em out from the library.
I promise to bring 'em back.



Dear Sam,

                                                           
                                                           
Oh God, Sam, I saw him again. This time he had flesh and
blood. He breathed and looked at me with a face full of hate. I
thought I'd never see that part of me again. I thought he had
died on Tarsus. This hurts so bad, I want to curl up and go
away, but I can't and I won't. I won't let anyone know how
much it hurts, except you. I think I'd be crazy without your
support. Sometimes I think I am crazy. Sam, I miss hearing
your voice. I'd like you to send me a vid for your next letter. I
want to see your face while you're talking. I want to make sure
it's still you I'm writing to. We haven't been on the same planet
or space station for three years, six months, and five days,
but who's keeping count.

This may sound strange but don't ever forget who I am. I need
someone out there who will remember the truth, not the tales
they'll hear about me. I'm not the person on the vid screen. I'm
not the guy Starfleet advertises as the heroic Captain. I'm
sure as heck not the man they have screwing every woman in
the Federation. I'm scared just like everyone else. I can't
afford to show it to anyone though, and I can only confess it to
you. Sometimes I'm so tired of the responsibility, I ache with
fatigue. One day I'll go to sleep and not wake up for a year.
I'm actually looking forward to that.

This doesn't make sense to you yet, I know. I had something
horrible happen to me a few days ago. I had an accident.
Don't worry, everything is back where it should be, at least
outwardly. I got caught up in a faulty transporter beam. When I
got to the ship, I was different. I could feel it. I felt soft. I didn't
have any pain anymore, or ghosts. I didn't feel like I needed
to control myself. I was so peaceful. I should have known that
wasn't right. I can't remember ever being at peace as an
adult. I was two people in two separate bodies, but they were
both me. Aspects of who I am got separated. I don't
understand what the lines of separation were.

I can't think of them as good and bad, because that's too
simplistic. I have long since gotten over the concept of
inherent good or bad qualities. A gun in the hands of a child
is bad, a gun in the hands of a warrior defending his, or her,
family is good.  Maybe, the animal drives of a wolf and child-
like purity of motives were the lines that distinguished the two
I became. I know it sounds confusing, it is confusing.

Most of my memories are from the man who remained in
command of the ship. I recall his intelligence, his indecision,
and his empathy. He could feel what everyone thought. He
could sense everyone's pain and fear. It made him freeze. He
couldn't decide. Drunk, bloody, in pain, I could always decide.
I have never frozen before in my life, not even as a child. I
froze, Sam. I couldn't make the words come out of my mouth.
I asked Spock and Bones to help me make the decisions for
me. I couldn't believe the words even as I said them. They
looked utterly lost. I think I finally shocked even them. Who am
I that I could want anyone else to suffer through the decision
process I have to go through?

I know my wolf. He ran unfettered across Tarsus. He left
corpses scattered over that landscape in tribute to his
deadliness. I thought I had caged him once and for all, but he
ran free on this ship. I assaulted two of my own crew and put
them both in sickbay with their injuries. Even worse, I tried to
rape my yeoman. I'm disgusted with myself and deeply
ashamed. I have never in my life come close to sexually
assaulting a woman. I would stop in the middle of insertion, if
she said no.

Where the hell did the desire for rape come from? I hate the
part of me that could do such a thing, and  I recognize him. I
know I can be manipulative and cold-hearted as death. I've let
that part of me do my killing for me. I've let that part of me
fight for me. It is that half that has the supreme egotism to
think I should and can command this ship better than anyone
else in Starfleet. It is that part of me that will never surrender. I
need everything that animal had, to be the man I am, and I
hate that. I don't know if I can trust myself around a woman for
a while. I'll be afraid they'll see the animal again. I need to
cage and feed my own personal wolf. What am I, that I can be
all these things? I feel filthy, dipped in all that is bad about
humanity. They should lock me away, but they won't because
I'm too damn good at what I do.

I have offered to stand for charges, but none of my crew will
file a complaint. I don't deserve this type of loyalty. It humbles
me and overwhelms me. It has given me the strength to get
over this. You know me. I am licking my wounds alone in my
cabin. I don't know how to share my pain with anyone else but
you. It took two years for me to share Tarsus and Grandpa's
death with even you. I don't think I could've done that if I hadn't
loved you so much. You have been the best brother a crazy
man could ever have.

It wasn't all bad. We saved my crewmembers that were
stranded down on the planet because of the faulty
transporter. I am never risking another planetary exploration
without a shuttle at my disposal. Those cheap bastards at
Starfleet didn't want to give me one when I requested it a
year ago. They said I'd never need a shuttle with all the
transporters at my disposal. I'll never let another member of
my crew make a planetfall until the shuttle is moored in the
docking bay. I told Nogura that. Let him tell the press that his
star Captain is in revolt because of the cost of one damn
shuttlecraft. It will be here by next week, or we will sit until it
arrives. I feel a bout of engine trouble coming on my ship, it
will clear with the sudden arrival of my craft.

The other good news is that Spock was supportive the entire
time. He could have relieved me of command, but he didn't.
I'll never forget that. He believed me when, at first, I wasn't
sure of the truth myself. He stood behind me the entire time
like a silent wall I could lean on when I needed to. I can't tell
you how much that helped me. He can be everything I need
and want in a friend on Tuesday, but on Thursday he's a
stranger again, closed up behind those damn Vulcan walls.
McCoy rose to the occasion, too. He was as kind to me as
I've ever seen him. Don't let me forget to tell you, I almost
choked him over a bottle of brandy. I must be a secret lush
also. At least I know there's hope for my command team.
They didn't fall apart on me just because I disintegrated. Your
brother's a wreck, but please don't ever turn away from me.

I had to read the riot act to Spock yesterday. It was all I could
do to not cry and not to knock the shit out of him. I had
forgotten how to cry, but my other half showed me again. His
tears came so freely, without regret or pain; they flowed down
his face openly.  In the room with Spock, I wanted to cry
because I knew I was hurting him, but I had no choice. He
asked the woman I tried to rape if she thought the wolf had
some interesting qualities. It's horrible to have someone ask
you if you like attempted rape. She was insulted; I was
enraged. It's bad enough I tried to rape the woman, but he
tries to make light of it. I think he did it to try to protect me, but
I can't allow it. I also had to tell her the truth and hurt her
feelings again by telling her there was never and would never
be anything between us. She's a nice enough person, but I
need more from the woman I will stay with. She doesn't have
enough armor to survive around me. I need brilliance; I lust
after it. She doesn't have it.

I know Spock did not mean it that way, but his ignorance of
the emotional violence caused by rape was not something I
could excuse. I gave him no quarter, I allowed him no graceful
exit. I beat him down until he surrendered, and felt the pain
she had felt from me. I could feel his shields fall and his pain
radiating out towards me. I've finally gotten past most of his
initial barriers and I've begun to mold him. I hope I don't
misstep.  I'm not even sorry I'm doing it, because I need what
he will become. I hate that about me. I will use him, like I use
them all. Is there any part of me left that is righteous? The wolf
allows me to do such things, even while my inner child looks
on in disgust. Spock deserves better than he will get from
me.

I'm not a nice man, big brother. I'm not a kind man. I think
about every single thing I do, which makes it worse. I think
and then I act. I can hurt a person's feelings on purpose, kill
on purpose, lie on purpose, fight on purpose, and that makes
me  much worse than the men who do it without conscience.
Even though I understand the havoc I can wreak, I choose to
go ahead. What did our parents create in me? I hope I never
disappoint you, but if I don't come back, remember me as
someone who tried to do his best. Remember that I never
wanted the wolf to rule me. Remember me as the prime
reason why the eugenics war had to be fought, and we had to
lose. I am destruction personified, even when I love the ones I
destroy. I will break us out of the box as I was raised to do. I
will do my job. To boldly go. I'm not so bold anymore, but I will
go on.

I love you. That statement comes from my inner child, who is
not afraid to tell you the truth. That part of me thinks it's okay
to tell you I love you. Maybe this split did me some good after
all.

Sam, please don't forget you knew the real me. There's no
telling who I will be at the end of this all.

Kiss Aurelan and the kids for me,

                                                                                Jim. 1

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