Title: Dear Sam 5
Author: Istannor 
Series: TOS
Part: 1/1
Rating: PG 13
Codes: Lang.

Summary:  These are the letters of one Starship Captain, to
his big brother, Sam.  We are grateful to the Estate of
Ambassador Spock, for allowing us to view their contents.
This is set after the mission commonly titled, The Enemy
Within, and directly after a mission that has recently been
uncovered in the archives. It seems that many of the
adventures of the Enterprise under Captain, and later
Admiral Kirk,  were never released by Starfleet Command.
This historian wonders at the duplicity of Starfleet, at
withholding this information for so many years. It is a
travesty which this writer will attempt to correct. This
letter was written after the newly discovered mission to the
Khoi.

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom. They own them. I only check 'em out from the
library. I promise to bring 'em back. 

Dear Sam 5


Dear Sam,


I'm sorry I couldn't get this letter to you earlier. I hope
you had fun at the conference offworld. I didn't mean for
you to see those pictures before I could talk to you. Mom
called, on subspace radio, before I could even find her to
tell her the truth. I think she still has a direct inside
link at Starfleet. I wonder who it is? The pictures looked
worse than they were. I just got nicked a little and I did
not kill 8 people single-handedly. It was one guy and he did
most of the work for me. I'm fine, really, even happy. 

I never got a chance to tell you about the party we had. It
was great. I felt relaxed for days afterward. Nyota was
beautiful, as usual. If I give her time to think about it
and I leave her alone, do you think she'll marry me after we
finish this tour?  I have left her alone. She asked me to
dance, and when I held her, I could smell her fragrance. She
smelled like lilacs and felt so very good to me. I wish...
Doesn't matter what I wish, no shipboard entanglements,
none. Yeoman Rand asked me to dance, too. She really has
forgiven me. I guess I had buried my memories of the rape
attempt, before, when I wrote you. It all seemed misty and
vague. 

Dreams are a bitch. In my dreams, I saw everything I
did to her, everything I said, all of my lust filled me
again. I was waking up for a while screaming with a giant
hard-on. There is no good way to get rid of a hard-on from a
rape nightmare. The dreams left after the party. I feel
cleansed of my sins. Bones and Uhura planned it. I will do
something special for both of them. I know they did it for
me, to help me come out of the hole I had dug for myself.

I acted like an idiot initially. I tried to not go to the
party. You know I prefer a good brood anyday, but McCoy,
bless his cantankerous soul, cussed me out and ordered me
to come. I think he might have confined me to sickbay if I
hadn't come. He's just that stubborn, and it takes one to
know one. I tried to provoke him into sending me out, it
didn't work. He is better than Piper was at blowing me off.
He had a ball. He was drunk and trying to fall into the
chest of one of my Lieutenants from engineering. She is an
impressive work of art, I admit. Lucky son of a gun can just
see what he wants and go after it, as long as she isn't in
his department. They all are in my department, so I slept
alone last night. 

Life ain't fair, Sam. Uhura's voice took me away. She used to
sing to me when we were lovers. I can not tell you what a turn
on that is. You'll never know because I've heard Aurelan sing,
please not again. Whew. Believe it or not, a few of my
crewmen asked me to dance, too. Now, that was different,
but shoot, I had to give them credit for having balls enough to
do it, so I danced. Some of them were good dancers. But
who leads whom, when two guys dance? I know, I'm crazy.

Back to the thing with the guys who got executed. They had
it coming. I did what I had to do. I wanted those bastards
in the worst way, especially after the guy made the crack
that all those wonderful people were good for, was slavery
and screwing. Sounds like the stories Granpa used to tell us
of the shameful things said during North American history,
Eugenics history, and European history. 

I never expected to hear something like that in this day and
age. All our families ancestors rose up in me and filled me
with rage, the Ogala Sioux, the Ghanaians, the Irish, and the
Bred ones were there, screaming never again.  Even worse,
he was going to kill the Khoi children, so he had to die. I
obliged him. That's all I want to say on that subject.

You should've seen Spock at the party. We all had to wear
civvies. He had on the darkest purple Vulcan suit I have ever
seen. It was covered in Vulcan writing. There actually was a
poem about the philosophy of Surak woven into the fabric.
He put on his armor of IDIC to get through the evening. It
looked good on him. He should get out of uniform more often.
The color purple makes him seem more mysterious and
regal. He played his Vulcan Lyre for the party. I felt honored
that he would do so. He plays well, but his music is lacking
something and I can't place my finger on it. It is technically
brilliant, but it just doesn't move me. I enjoyed hearing him
play nonetheless.

He came in last night to talk. I guess finding me covered in
blood with holes in me, but they were small holes, Sam,
sort of shook him up. We talked all night about things, like
why I made the decision I made to go into the lodge against
those odds. To my surprise, I told him the truth. I told
Spock, I wanted the fool distracted while he searched for
the kids from the ship, and I had decided to kill the man
myself.  I needed to be close enough to the scumbag to
accomplish the task. I waited for Spock to back off in
disgust. He didn't. 

He sat very quietly and asked me why I had made that
decision. I told him that I felt the man's death, on this
planet would help the Khoi adults and  children. I was
convinced if they knew he was dead, beyond a shadow of a
doubt, they wouldn't have any nightmares about him ever
coming back. I know about nightmares. I'm a card carrying
expert on nightmares.

Strangely enough, Spock understood. He also agreed that he
would not have been the right choice to do the negotiations.
They wouldn't have believed a Vulcan saying he was going to
take a bribe. Also, he has difficulty lying at the drop of a
shoe, unlike me. I should take that as a compliment, I
suppose, but you and I both know, I can convince a clothed
man that he's naked. No brag, just fact; I'm a liar. 

He told me he was not apologizing for arguing about whether
or not I should have gone down to the planet,  or been on
the front line for the mission. He stated in unequivocal
terms that he felt it was his role to bring to my attention
any objections he might have to my actions. He plans to do
it in a respectful manner, but he plans to continue to do
it. I can accept that. Sometimes I need that from him. I
know I tend to take it all on my shoulders when I don't have
to, and it will be good to share it with him. Also, I
respect the hell out of his mind, so I can take his
questions. My dick isn't so small that it can't stand up to
my First Officer asking me questions.

Sam, I need to tell you this and I need to know what you
think. When I was in the lodge, I was fading pretty fast. I
heard Spock come in. I couldn't quite see, but I knew it was
him. I knew he was close. Is that something you do? I felt
calm, Sam. As soon as I knew he was close, I felt safe. I
have not felt safe since I was thirteen. 

Is this another damn Kirkism? 

What other quirks am I going to manifest, later in life when
I get as old as you, Old man? I like the feeling, being safe
that is, not having holes stuck in me. I could get used to
this idea of trusting someone besides you, maybe even two
someone's. I could get use to the idea of being safe around
Spock and McCoy. I think Spock is ready to be a friend. I am
willing, if he is. I'll give him a little space first. He
always takes a bit to integrate his reactions first, before
he can decide where to put everything on the shelves of his
mind. He's been rearranging his mental furniture for the
last few days. I could see the wheels turning every time he
looked at me. 

Well, I've got to go. Spock's kicking my ass again in the
gym. He didn't like the way I let my arm stop the knife from
killing me. Hey, it worked, didn't it?

Kiss the kids for me and Aurelan. In fact, give Aurelan a
really big, deep, open- mouth, tongue- biting, groin-
grinding kiss, for me. I'm too far away for you to kick my
ass, so got ya.

Love you Big Brother,

Jim

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