Title: Dear Sam 6
Author: Istannor 
Series: TOS
Part: 1/1
Rating: PG 13
Codes: Lang.

Summary:  These are the letters of one Starship Captain, to
his big brother, George Samuel Kirk.  We are grateful to the
Estate of Ambassador Spock, for allowing us to view their
contents. This is set directly after a mission that has
recently been uncovered in the archives. It seems that many
of the adventures of the Enterprise under Captain, and later
Admiral Kirk,  were never released by Starfleet Command.
This historian wonders at the duplicity of Starfleet, at
withholding this information for so many years. It is a
travesty which this writer will attempt to correct. This
letter was written 2 weeks after the newly discovered
mission to the Khoi and follows the previous letter that
discusses the Captain's actions during that mission. 

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom. They own them. I only check 'em out from the
library. I promise to bring 'em back. 

Dear Sam 6


Dear Sam, 


Now, even I'm confused. First, Spock comes into my cabin
and tells me he can not be my friend, or whatever I expected
of him. Then, he tells me that McCoy has the abilities to give
me what I desire. Right then, I thought the man was a card
carrying Looney Tune. Remember those ancient cartoons we
use to watch? I feel like I'm in one. I have to admit that he
pissed the shit out of me. How dare he just unilaterally toss
away everything we have slowly built over the last year? I
have done nothing to him to deserve this type of treatment. I
couldn't speak because I was too damn mad. I turned off. I
could feel the systems shutting down as my last defense
against screaming at him. I just told him thank-you and
dismissed him and I went back to work. I actually was proud
of myself for the way I handled it. I had just gotten to the point
where I decided that I could really trust him, and he walks into
my cabin and tells me to fuck off. I am just one lucky son of a
bitch, ain't I. Sorry for the language, Sam. You know my
speech gets foul when I get my feelings hurt. I never get to
say these kind of things to anyone else, so you take the brunt
of it, and I apologize. Let me get my head on and my
language straight, as Mom would say.

McCoy caught me trying to mull it all over in the rec room and
he figured something was up. I told him what happened,
because I was as lost as I've ever been. I knew Spock was
getting more relaxed around me, and I knew I had not made
any demands of him. I never have asked him to be anything
other than Spock. Yeah, I know I talk about molding him, but
not to be someone else, just to give him the freedom to be
himself, or more fully himself than he was when I joined the
ship. All I have ever done is give him every opportunity to find
out who Spock is. I didn't deserve what he did, Sam. There is
a lot of shit I deserve for the things I have done, this is not one
of them. McCoy actually gave me some insight into the
situation. He thought Spock's emotions may have
overwhelmed him and sent him packing to regroup. I agree. I
know he was pretty shook up about the way I handled
Kleinschmidt. I got over it, I guess he didn't.

Strangely enough McCoy's explanation gave me peace and I
wasn't angry anymore. I just sat down for the wait. I have
decided that Spock reminds me of Nelson Mandela, my
Appaloosa. You remember how long it took to get that horse
to let me touch him. It took twice as long to ride him. He never
was tame, a thing of which I was proud. He was half wild to
the end, but he agreed to accept me as his friend. He
allowed me to ride him, because it gave him pleasure to run
with me on his back. When I finally rode Nelson for the first
time, we galloped for hours, until we both were exhausted.
Then we slept in the fields, because we were too tired to
make it home. Mom whaled on me for not making it back, but
it was worth it. I remember Granpa telling me to take what I
had coming like a man, without excuses, and then he helped
me rub Nelson down and shine his coat to a high gloss.

Just as I got use to the concept of waiting, in comes Spock
again. He stood at parade rest in front of my desk, with his
hands clasped behind his back. I was truly afraid of what he
was going to say this time. " I have decided that humans are
not possible for me to serve with. I resign my commission." I
waited for him to say something like that, but what he said
was completely the opposite. " Captain, I was premature in
my earlier statements. I apologize for any confusion I may
have caused you. I do indeed desire a friendship with you,
however, I am at a lost as to how we should proceed. I sought
insight from Lt. Uhura on the nature of Human friendships, but
I perceive that you need to be the one to whom I come for
further information. I am still unfamiliar with  the mechanics of
this particular type of relationship, especially as it concerns
me. I will not agree to go on shoreleaves with you and have
indiscriminate sex with women, or drink myself into oblivion. I
also do not laugh, gossip, or tell outrageous lies as I have
seen in other human male friendships."

I sat there in total amusement as he continued. " I am not a
jovial person, and I am not a demonstrative person." He
finally came up for air. " I do not understand what you could
possibly want from me, that you can not get elsewhere and
with less difficulty." Sam you should have seen the look on his
face, it was priceless. He looked like I was about to bite him
and swallow him whole. I had to think awhile to digest his
whole speech. I knew I was missing something and then it hit
me what it was. His main difficulty was he felt I would not want
his friendship because he was not like Kyle, or Gary. I had to
keep myself from bursting out laughing. You and I both know
that I don't ever want another friend like Gary. I need
someone completely different. I need someone who can be
themselves, without tarnishing their sense of self,  and still
stand by me. I need an equal, who can choose to follow me.
That was never Gary. He was never my equal, and I think that
was what tore him up at the end, when he was finally more
powerful, and smarter than me, or so he thought, until I killed
him. God, forgive me, that still hurts so much.

Spock waited so patiently for me to answer. He reminded me
of you when you would wait forever for me to think out my
thoughts and tell them to you. I told him: "Spock, I don't want
you to be Gary, Kyle, Areel, Bones, or anyone else other than
who you are. I don't expect you to go pick up women with me.
I do quite well on my own, and to be honest, you would be
competition in the food chain." His eyes widened at that. I
guess he still hasn't figured out that women find him
attractive. "I sure don't expect you to suddenly change into a
stand-up comic. That's not want I want from you." He shifted
forward and walked over to sit in the chair across from me.
He was still tense and almost ready to bolt. I had to fight to
not reach out and try to stroke his coat, I mean his skin. My
mind whispered. "Let me touch you, Nelson," The same little
voice in my mind called out to him, "Shh, calm down, don't
run, I won't hurt you. I'll never hurt you."

His breathing slowed and finally he looked at me, and not
through me. "Tell me what you do desire from me, so I may
better meet your needs as your First Officer."

One step forward, a half step back, he marches on. " Spock, I
just want you to be yourself. I like you, as illogical as that may
seem. I like playing Chess with you. I especially love beating
you at Chess, which I do frequently. " His eyebrow quirked at
that. " I enjoy working out with you, even though you
continually wipe the floor with me. I look forward to our
discussions of literature, politics, command, history,
philosophy, quantum mechanics, anything. Think how hard it
would be to find someone else to talk to me about all the
things we talk about. I'd need to replace you with four other
people, but with you I get it all in one place. We don't have to
agree with each other; that's not important. I just like to talk
and know that someone has the balls to have a different view
and keep their differences intact, even if they see it conflicts
with my position. I want someone who I can trust to be there
for me, and be themselves for me. Do you understand what I
mean by that?"

"Actually, no, " he admitted and I felt like we had finally gotten
somewhere new.

"I want to get to know you well enough that your behavior is
predictable to me, and mine is predictable to you. I will
answer any question you have the strength to ask me. I will
discuss anything you want. I don't want to turn to look for you, I
want to know you're there, beside me. I want us to be a
seamless team. In return, I will be your sounding board for
any issue you have, without being unduly judgmental.  I will
explain any human behavior you do not understand, to the
best of my ability. I will support and protect you, whenever you
have a need, without reservation. I will not sacrifice you, or
cause your death without a justification that you can accept
as sufficient." I sat back and let him absorb it all , especially
the last sentence.

His mouth quirked a little like it does when he is trying not to
smile. I wonder why I can read all of his little mannerisms. It is
unnerving sometimes. " I see. You do not ask for half
measures, as usual. I must inform you, I have never had a
friend before." This was no surprise, but I didn't say anything.
I just thought then that everyone else had been a fool to have
missed the opportunity. "As long as you do not require me to
take my stand-up routine on the road."

I had to laugh, I love it when he lets his wit out for a walk." By
the way, you can tell everyone else you don't have a sense of
humor, I know better.  I just want you to be yourself and
accept me as I am, warts and everything. Do you think you
can do that?"

"I will try, Jim." Sam, I finally touched the Appaloosa. Hot
damn.

I want to see you. Tell me when you're available. I will send
you tickets for the whole tribe. Don't give me any crap about
the cost. We have never been poor, and they pay me a hell of
lot more than I can spend. I have to go pick up some
researchers out in the far reaches, first. Sorry, I can't be more
specific, but you know the rules. If you really want to know
where the ship is, ask Mom. I'm sure her source keeps her
informed. Who do you think it is and do you think they're
doing the twin backed beast? Yeesh, my own Mother having
sex, what a concept. It's sorta kinky. But if she's anything like
us, she's an animal. Growl. Damn, I'm happy.

Love,

Jim