Title: The Gift of Words
Author: Istannor 
Series: TOS
Part: 1/1
Rating: [PG13]
Codes: 
Summary: This is immediately after V'ger. Spock does not
get the welcome back he expected from James T'. Kirk.
Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom, they own them. I only check 'em out from the
library. I promise to bring 'em back.



The Gift of Words 



The ship was quiet with nothing but the subliminal hum of the
engines and the occasional steps of a crewperson on
gamma shift duty rounds. Spock sat in his quarters crouched
over the Vulcan firepot, attempting to reach a level of peace
or acceptance. He had not been successful at either. His
hands were steepled before him as he reviewed the recent
weeks through closed eyes and pursed lips. The problem
was, of course, his captain. A twinge of discomfort, which he
quickly buried, hit him as he recalled his emotional outburst in
the sickbay after his meld with V'Ger. His own new level of
brutal honesty forced him to admit that the emotions he had
felt at that time were true and aching in intensity. He had
never stopped to think that they would not be returned.

Kirk had been more controlled and distant than a disciple of
the Kolinahr since his return to command of the ship. His
Captain's technical knowledge of the ship had returned to his
previous impeccable standards. Kirk now knew the
personnel files of all crewmembers. Most importantly, his
performance on their recent missions had been inspired and
often brilliant, but never once did any of the passion Spock
knew existed in this man surface. His new personae had
been adamantine and reflected all of Spock's and McCoy's
attempts at approach.

He had been forced to finally discuss it with the Doctor who
to his relief,  had noted the same thing but was equally
puzzled and hurt. Admiral James T. Kirk had become a
distant withdrawn figure, emotionally, while maintaining a
high level of command competence that had the new crew
eating out of his hands. They had never seen the Kirk who
laughed, teased and joked with everybody. They did not
know the man who remembered the names of all his dead
and would hug and comfort the survivors, sharing their pain
with them. This man seemed to share or feel little that was
not related to the performance of his duty.

Spock felt his stomach tighten as the last bit of truth fell into
place. This man did not share a friendship with anyone,
anymore. Spock knew, on his deepest levels, that he was the
cause of the change. He had no idea what to do about it,
either. Any attempts to play chess, work out or share a
private meal with Jim had been politely but firmly rebuffed.

Jim physically sparred only with the Enterprise robotic
workout partner. The computer generated imaginary
opponents and used the robot to execute the assaults. The
same ship's computer was his only chess partner. One night,
Spock had gone to the gym. He still was not sure why he had
been drawn to the last workout room. There, alone, he
watched his Captain working out with computer simulated
opponents who came at him with blinding speed and force.
His captain fought with deadly earnestness, taking blow after
blow. Always, he got back up. He never uttered a word, no
matter how rough the blow or the fall. The scene was
frightening. Spock had his hand on the door to enter and stop
it when the computer stopped the program. Kirk's vital signs
were outside its safety parameters. Kirk just laid on the floor
unmoving as Spock watched him.

Kirk was so thin. Spock could see clearly how much weight
he had lost over the two years of their separation. The pain of
seeing him so and not being allowed to help drove Spock
away and back to his quarters. That night he sought his
refuge in meditation all night long. Jim's confidants had
become his computer, his technical journals, and his work.
Spock had never been so alone in his life.

Gol was an error. No, Gol was a catastrophe. He had run
from the one person in his life that had loved him
unconditionally. Kirk had asked nothing of him. He had not
wanted him to be more human like McCoy or his mother. He
had not demanded Vulcan perfection like his Father. He had
been content to have him by his side and enclose him in a
warm embrace of total acceptance. And Spock had run at
the end, because there were no defenses against that type of
love. He had lost his objectivity. His logic had left him, and he
found himself wanting to be near Kirk all the time, just to sit or
stand where he was.

The women and often men who had been attracted to him
and hovered around him wherever they went had become an
annoyance to Spock. He found himself being protective of
him to the point of almost raging if his Captain did something
that was dangerous. All the while, Kirk had consistently and
quietly been his friend, his anchor.

Spock had run, like a coward, because he had fallen in love
with his Captain, and the shame had been too great for him
to bear. He had hoped that Gol would remove the taint. It had
only succeeded in confirming what he should have realized
all along. He had no place else that he wanted to be. "By your
side as if he has always been there and he always will be
there." Edith Keeler had spoken those words on that day now
forever lost in time's mists.

Unfortunately, he had failed to take into account that Kirk may
no longer have desired him to be his shield mate. That
thought was still too painful to contemplate, and so Spock set
it aside.

It was then that he heard and felt the scream next door from
Jim's room. All the speed and strength at his Vulcan disposal
had him out of his door and into Kirk's cabin before he could
stop to think. There, lying on the floor next to the bed, sat his
captain. He was huddled over, holding his knees to his chest,
rocking back and forth. The most horrendous shudders
wracked his body, and he sobbed tearlessly as if  something
was killing him. Spock's heart convulsed as he felt the
overwhelming feelings coming from his friend, his T'hy'la. He
did the only thing he could think of: He went over to him and
gently wrapped him in his arms and held him to his chest until
the dry eyed sobs finally subsided. He could sense the
receding images of the horrible nightmare that had caused
his anguish. Echoes of Edith, Miramanee, and even visions
of himself, Spock, bled away into the darkness. Spock held
his friend close, trying to send waves of love and
reassurance to him. He never wanted to let go. His home
was wrapped up here in his arms. He had left his home
before; he would not ever do so again.

"Jim', Spock began quietly, "please talk to me. I need you,
and you have locked me out. I need to hear you in my mind
again; please don't continue this." Spock pled with all the
intensity he could bring forth. This was a contest he could not
afford to lose. It seemed hours before Jim responded with
any acknowledgement, in truth only a minute passed.

Kirk straightened up slowly and wiped at his eyes and face
with the sheet. He then pushed back from Spock and stood
up stiffly and painfully. His eyes did not meet Spock's. He
was looking elsewhere. He had been naked under the sheet
and as he stood, Spock was taken aback with the impact of
seeing him revealed and so vulnerable in front of him. His
soul ached. Still without uttering a word, Kirk walked over to
the safe beside his bed and knelt to open it. Spock continued
to sit where he had held his T'hy'la, afraid to move and break
the spell. Kirk reached into the safe and pulled out a packet
of letters and stood up. He then slowly, gracefully, walked
over to Spock and put the packet out before him.

"A gift." With that he turned and walked away into the
refresher and closed the door behind him.

Spock did not know if he was suppose to leave or not, but he
decided that he would not leave. He would sit here and read
these letters. He was not leaving Kirk's quarters unless he
was ordered out. This was the first chink he had seen in the
Captain's armor, and he was not going to allow it to reseal.
He opened the packet. The letters seemed to be in order of
dates. He began to read the first one. Both eyebrows raised
in astonishment as he realized they were addressed to him.
They were all addressed to him.

My Dearest Spock,

 I am writing this letter in hopes that one day you will have an
 opportunity to read it. I have spoken with Sarek and he has
 assured me that there was no way for him to change your
 mind about going to Gol. I have booked a flight to Vulcan
 hoping they will let me see you. Perhaps there is something I
 can say that will keep you from this radical choice. I have
 always tried to honor your choices, but I find no logic in this
 one, only pain and escape.

This is so unlike you, Spock. I don't know why you have
chosen this particular path, but I'll beg you if I have to, so that
you'll reconsider.

I admit that the prospect of being without you at my side has
left me feeling lost, oarless. I keep looking around expecting
you to be there. The colors all seem washed out, and the
people around me are all lifeless and uninteresting.

They all come after me with hidden agendas, thinking that I
don't see through them. They might as well wear signs. It is a
little scary to be able to read them so well. I used to be
surrounded by people I trusted with my life and my soul. I
didn't need any screens when I was around you. Now, that is
no longer true.

These people have never faced death. They have never been
willing to give up everything for another. They have never
drifted among the stars and realized their true insignificance.
I don't understand a landlocked existence, Spock. I only know
the stars; freedom and you go together in my mind.

Now, it seems all of that is gone.

Please, don't leave me. There, I've said it.


Your Friend Jim

Spock bent his head and took a long slow breath to calm his
soul. Those tumultuous days came rushing back at him. His
logic had seemed impeccable at the time. Now, he could not
understand how he had so deluded himself. His father's
rebuke and his mother's quiet tears had been one thing. This
revelation put an entirely new light on those days. He knew
that he had abandoned his friend, however his self-
absorption had precluded an understanding of the full effect
of his actions on Kirk.

Spock had known that his attachment to James T. Kirk was
profound. When he had thought of Kirk, he had seen him as
surrounded by people who wanted to love and care for him.
Kirk had friends and "buddies" everywhere he went.
Everyone wanted to be with him or serve with him. Spock
had thought that Kirk would simply replace him with one of
the many who waited at the door. It had not dawned on him
that Kirk had given him more of himself than he had ever
given to anyone.

It never occurred to him that he had not been replaceable.

My Dearest Spock,

I tried, God how I tried, but they wouldn't let me into the
compound at Gol. I told them in ancient Vulcan and new
Vulcan.  I tried so hard to not embarrass you with an
emotional display.

All of it didn't change a damn thing. The door was closed,
and I was something beneath notice. Why do you want to
become like them?  What did I, or life on the Enterprise, do to
make you want to leave us to become like that? You are not
like that, Spock. You are kind and gentle and the most
compassionate person I have ever known. I don't want you to
renounce yourself.

If it means never seeing you again, I would rather guarantee
that I will leave you alone forever, if you promise to leave Gol.

I don't even know how to get them to let me tell you this.

For the first time in my life, I am totally defeated. Vulcan
silence and stone walls kicked my ass. I was really tempted
to blast the fucker; I still may.

I have a pain inside that threatens to overwhelm me during
the quiet hours of the night, but I refuse to let it. This is worse
than when I killed Edith. This came from the one place I had
no defenses. There is no comfort for me anywhere. You were
my better half. I truly do not understand why you did this and
never said a word to me.

Old Man Nogura wants a decision. He does not want me
back on a starship. His official reason is that he needs me
here on Earth to be his poster boy for Starfleet. He lies. He is
only slightly harder to read. He is afraid of me. Komack just
hates me. It seems he is still very angry about my disobeying
orders to take you back to Vulcan. T'Pau insisted that he take
a course on Diversity training so he could improve his
receptivity to new concepts and rituals. If it weren't so
serious, it would be hilarious. Can you see Komack in a
touchy- feely session learning to appreciate other cultures?
You could cut the hostility with a knife at our last meeting.

Now Nogura, that is another matter altogether. He thinks that I
could become another Garth. He sees the members of
Starfleet who have been in space as "following me into fiery
flames, if asked."

I finally confronted him about it and I was told that, "You are
too independent to be this much of a hero. You set a bad
example for the younger generation by defying authority. You
are too close to your crew, and your relationship with your
first officer precludes him from being an effective buffer
against your excesses." quote, unquote.

What a joke. Doesn't he know that you jumped ship at your
first opportunity? He wants me close so he can watch me,
control me. He wants to make me an Admiral. I just want to
curl up and go away.

If this is the reward for success, what the hell would I have
gotten had I failed?

I do not have the will to fight it, so why don't you congratulate
the youngest Admiral in Starfleet history. Great, another first.

Spock, I care for you a great deal and I miss you more than it
seems you will ever know, or care about.



Yours Truly, Admiral Jim



Spock stretched his legs out in front of him. His emotions
were in turmoil. His face was a mask; it did not have an
expression to fit what he was feeling. What a fool he had
been. Jim picked that moment to come out of the refresher
fully dressed. He walked past Spock as if he were not there
and left the cabin. Spock bowed his head, took a deep
breath, and read on.

Spock,

I can not breathe. These walls smother me. This job holds no
joy for me, no matter how hard I try. I have tried getting drunk,
it does not help. Drugs have never been attractive. Sex only
makes it worse, no matter how beautiful or inventive he, she,
or it is. Don't be shocked; you know I have very few no's in
that arena. It was always my one indulgence.

I read, play chess with the computer and take walks on the
beach, on any beach, anywhere I can find to transport to. The
waves draw me towards them.

McCoy has gone too. He said he would not stay and see me
destroy myself. I tried to tell him why I was doing this, but you
know Bones when he gets his back up. The more frightened
or worried he gets, the angrier he gets. He started hollering
at Nogura, who probably would have put him in the brig if he
had not walked out first. He would not listen, so he resigned
from Starfleet and he refuses my calls. I thought I had
reached the depths; what a fool I was to think that. The boy
wonder's life is a tragedy. I wonder if it will play well on tri-vid?
I will end this letter now. I am going to get fitted for another set
of uniforms. It seems that my measurements have changed
since earthfall.



Your Friend always, Jim



Spock,

I just met a woman at one of Nogura's social gatherings. Her
name is Lori Ciani. She is beautiful with strength,
intelligence, and character. Too bad I know Nogura sent her
to watch me and make sure I am still sane.

I often ask myself that same question. Before, you or Bones
would always tell me when I had gone too far. Now, there is
no one I can trust for that feedback. Everyone here is too in
awe of me. I can't stand this. I'd like at least one person to tell
me, "kiss my ass, Admiral, sir."

I loved it when you two would jump me and make me defend
my position and my decisions. It gave me clarity and comfort.

I tried to find a chess partner. That is far more difficult than I
would have imagined. It seems that our games have spoiled
me for other opponents. It was like playing in slow motion, so
I went back to playing with the computer.

I miss you.



With Love and Fond Memories, Jim



Spock,

I know you will get a kick out of this. As head of ops, I have
been trying to tell Starfleet command that our computer
system is vulnerable to infiltration. They told me I was being
an alarmist. Well dammit if somebody didn't sneak into
computer central and program all of Starfleet's" non essential
computers to come on at precisely 0835 and say in perfect
Romulan, "fuck you, earther trash", followed by an even more
colorful Klingon endearment. All the systems have now been
upgraded and additional security has been put in place with
plans for routine and unscheduled revisions. Lori and
Komack suspect a cadet did it. Nogura suspects me. He's a
shrewd old dog.


Your wicked friend, Jim



My Friend Spock,

I'm writing this letter to you from the Starfleet hospital. It
seems that I passed out during my staff briefing and scared
the shit out of everyone. They tell me I caught a Rigellian
Virus from one of the participants at the last conference
hosted by Nogura. They tell me my resistance was low
because of stress and recent weight loss. They thought I was
going to die, and when that hit the tri-vid who should show up
but Leonard McCoy and the whole bridge crew.

They say that Bones was a Holy terror. He wouldn't let anyone
near me, but him. Mother hen. I would have liked to have
seen it but I was pretty out of it. Bones said I kept asking for
you. You should be glad you didn't show up. I think he is really
mad at you right now, but I'm not. I just miss you.

As soon as it seemed I would live, he got rip-roaring drunk
and gave me the worst cursing out I think I have ever gotten.
To leave out the juicier details, I am a complete asshole for
giving up my ship and for not going after you with " all the
goddamn weapons at my disposal".  We're both officially
listed as stubborn, pigheaded, stupid, blind, sons of bitches.
You think he might be a little mad at us? Well, whatever. He
told me to look him up only if I came to my senses and left
again. Uhura, Scotty, Chechov, Janice and even Sulu stayed
around to spend some time. It felt good, but the echoes in the
room were louder after they left.

I spend nights looking up at the stars wondering what you are
doing.


Jim



Spock,

I tried to reach Carol again today. I really wanted to see
David. I know I can be a good father to him, if only she will let
me try. She refused. She said it would be too confusing to
him to introduce me as his father at this time in his life. Why
did I ever honor her choice? Oh, that's right, it was the court
injunction I honored,  wasn't it. I am not a monster. Why won't
she let me see him? Shit. This hurts too much.

I think I will go spend some time on the farm.



Spock.

Lori asked me to marry her. She wants to set a date. It
seems that she has decided that I am not crazy after all. How
little she knows. I love her, though I am not in love with her. I
do not know what the precise difference is, but it is concrete.
Perhaps it will be good for us both. She seems to be a
logical choice. God, I sound like you now.

By the way, when does the sound of gongs and desert winds
leave my mind? Is that you, or am I just quietly going crazy?

I no longer remember how it felt to not be alone.

Bones still will not answer my calls. I sent him a case of
Saurian Brandy as a peace offering. I hope Starfleet never
finds out how their golden boy buys and ships contraband,
but then again who cares.

Scotty and Uhura came by last night. We went out bar
hopping to celebrate my engagement. I thought I had fooled
them. But at the end, Uhura took me aside for a talk. It seems
she is worried about me. She says that I am "fading away".
She told me that she loved me like a brother and she didn't
want to see me hurting. Hey, I'm an Admiral, and Admirals
don't hurt.

Honestly, I didn't know what to say. She has always been so
wise, brave and graceful.  I use to remember early on wishing
she was serving on a different ship so I could be in love with
her. Now it seems that she and Scotty have found one
another. I am so happy for them both. She kissed me. I still
feel her imprint on my lips.

Why am I telling you this? Who else can I tell? I never kept any
secrets from you before. All you ever had to do was ask.

I wonder what it feels like to truly be in love and not have the
person die or leave. I wonder if I will ever know.


Your Friend always



Spock,

I spent some time with Peter, my nephew. He is so bright and
eager. He wants to go into the Starfleet science academy. I
told him never to put career first. I told him that Starfleet,
ships, research, nothing is more important than friends and
family. He looked at me like I was crazy. We talked of other
things.

He is so like my brother Sam. It was good for us both, I think.
My mom kept staring at me the whole time I was at the Farm.
Finally, she made me go on one of her famous walks with
her. It seems walking to think is a family trait. I had forgotten
that we used to do that all the time when it was time for
serious conversation.

She says I'm scaring her. She thinks I remind her of when I
came back from Kodos" little party on Tarsus 4. I tried to
reassure her but I don't think it worked. Hell, at least I am not
slitting the throats of soldiers and hiding out in the mountains
with frightened children and adults screaming at me to do
something. That was over at thirteen. I have come a long way,
haven't I. I love my mother, but I don't think she can fix this
ouchy.

Jim

Spock allowed himself to take a deep breath. Jim had never
discussed the details of Tarsus Four with either him or
McCoy. That was the only thing he had ever refused them. He
had told them point blank that it was not something that
needed repeating. Even when they had found Kodos and his
daughter, he had only said the bare minimum.

Spock had decided that he needed to know more, so he had
accessed the Federation files on that tragic episode. A
13year old boy by the name of James T. Kirk had been
credited with rescuing over twenty children and five adults
during the crisis on Tarsus 4. Then Governor Kodos had
massacred over 4000 colonists during a famine on Tarsus
4.The boy was said to have rescued the children and adults
and kept them in hiding while he had scavenged for food.
The adult survivors attributed at least fifteen confirmed kills of
Kodos' executioners to that same boy. The younger Kirk had
refused to discuss it and never confirmed or denied any of
the stories.

The medical report had listed the injuries to the boy. Some of
the injuries were still classified. His psychological evaluation
at the time had detailed with a frightening detachment how
the boy's innate brilliance, ability to command and well
developed sense of personal responsibility had led him to do
things that the normal thirteen year old or adult could never
have done. The therapist went on to venture that those traits
would either take him straight to the top or destroy him just as
completely.

A classified addition from Starfleet security upped the
number of kills. It seems a colonist had seen a sandy haired
boy running away from an ammunition depot for Kodos'
troops. It had exploded shortly thereafter, taking a squad of
men with it. There had been a strong recommendation to
either get the boy into Starfleet or Intelligence appended to it
at the end. Spock had never discussed with Jim what he had
found.

He shifted slightly and gathered his strength to read on. He
still had 2.4 hours until the beginning of his shift. Sleep was
irrelevant. The next letter opened before him.

Spock,

I know that I haven't written you in a long time. Nogura is
ecstatic with my performance as chief of operations. I'm a
favorite guest on talk shows and news programs to help
people see Starfleet in a friendlier, more approachable light. I
smile and try to be charming. This Admiral is bored to tears.

Lori has decided to not renew her contract with me. She says
that I'm uncommunicative and distant, except in bed. I was
never unfaithful, but for what I gave of myself to her, I might as
well have been.  I don't disagree with her. I'm sure she is
doing the right thing for both of us. I wish I could tell you that I
am devastated, but basically I feel numb.

I still hear desert winds and now occasional chanting in my
dreams. Would you do something about that, please?

I'm going sailing again this week. I think I will try to sail around
the Cape of Good Hope. The informational packets say that
doing so solo is positively foolhardy. Well, I am a fool and I'm
hardy, so off I go.


Jim

Spock,

Either I am a better sailor than I thought, or the brochures lied.
Well, I made it. Now for my next adventure. Today is my thirty-
eighth birthday. What shall I do to celebrate? I left the party in
my honor at the office early so I could come home... to what?
What do you do when you peaked at thirty-six and the rest of
your life is a slide downhill into oblivion?

Now I truly understand how Daystrom felt. I had never thought
of myself as a prodigy before, but it seems that these people
do think of me that way. It was hard to get too overblown
while I was on the Enterprise. Everyone was so much better
at what they did than I was at their job. You, of course, were
the best first officer in the fleet and the best science officer.
Bones was the best CMO, Scotty the best engineer, etc, etc.
So I knew I could repair the engines, reprogram the
computers or navigate the ship. But I was never as good at
any of those as each of you were. It served to keep me
humble.  Here I find myself taking on everyone's job because
I am better at what they do than they are. Even this is not
enough. It is busy work.

I offered some suggestions at the last meeting of Starfleet
Command. I told them that we needed to expand the number
of other races serving on our ships. I anticipate that one-day
we will have even Klingons and Romulans onboard our
exploratory vessels, at least.  I also suggested that we build
ships large enough to bring families aboard, especially for
long missions. I submitted several design proposals that
would keep the crew and family quarters separate. I thought
that would keep service in Starfleet from being such an
ultimate sacrifice for the deepspace crews. They all looked at
me as if I was nuts. So much for innovation.

I asked Nogura to give me a deepspace probe to command.
I thought that if I offered him a chance to truly get rid of me, he
might jump at the opportunity. Foolish me. It seems that I am
in demand here more than ever because ops have never run
as well. What kind of hole have I dug for myself?

Spock, is it permissible to tell you that I wake up at night
screaming your name?


 Jim



Spock,

I have no idea why I continue to write these letters. It seems
that I've become a creature of habit. I talked to you and
Bones every day of our lives for five years. Before that I had
Gary, but then I killed him, didn't I. Now I still have the need to
talk to you even if you can't hear me. Probably by now, you
don't give a shit. I truly want to hate you and Bones for
bringing me to this state, but it is not your fault at all. It is my
responsibility and mine alone. So I am left with the question
of a lifetime, what do I do now?

Let me do a quick resume. Admiral James Tiberius Kirk,
thirty-eight years old, youngest this, first that, lots of medals
for this and that. I have lots more citations for stuff, and so on.
I can repair and maintain warp engines; I can navigate ships
on land, sea, and water or in space. I speak seven languages
fluently and a few others with differing facility. I am a passable
diplomat if I put my mind to it.

I can kill a man in unarmed combat using approximately 53
different techniques. I counted them. I can use any weapon in
the Federation arsenal.  I'm well above average on a
computer, just nowhere near your level of magic, my friend. I
can see answers and strategies in my head like someone
wrote them there on a vid screen. I can read people and what
motivates them and use it against them. I have commanded
men and women in battle and in peacetime.

I can kill or drive away even the most determined friends.

Hmm. What else? I am told that I am pleasant to look at, for a
human, and that I have a reputation for being a fantastic lay. I
do so try to please in that arena.

Oh, yeah, I'm an official hero.

Do you know of any good jobs around for someone like that?


Jim

Spock,

Enough. I have had enough.

I'm weary beyond anything I've ever experienced. Who knew
that Earth, isolation and Starfleet bureaucracy could
accomplish what Orions, Klingons, Gorns and Romulans,
among a cast of thousands, failed to do? I will not take this
anymore, this death of a thousand cuts.

I'll have them send you these letters afterwards. I'm told that
death is considered a justifiable reason for interrupting the
studies of a Kolinahr postulate, so I guess you'll get them.

This isn't to punish you; it's so you'll never forget that I loved
you. You had so little of that in your life.  I don't blame you, or
Bones, or even Nogura. Please, don't blame yourself. I know
now that you made the only decision you could for your sanity.
Bones was right also.

When you think about it, it is the only logical solution.

I have loved you both as well as I knew how.

There is obviously something about me that is deadly to
those I care about. I regret that I never got a chance to talk to
you again.

Please, take care of Bones for me. If there is anything left in
you of the old Spock, he will need you. Tell the others that
they were the best bridge crew that anyone could possibly
desire, far better than I deserved. I am sorry if I have
disappointed you all.

I have been and always will be your friend.

 Spock,

I bet you did not expect to hear from me ever again: well,
surprise. I just got a call from Nogura. I was packing and
sorting at the time. It seems that there is a probe or force on
the way to Earth that has destroyed everything that it has
come in contact with. He wants me to help Decker since the
Enterprise is the only ship we have.

I told him to go fuck himself. I think that got his attention. I told
him the only way I would help was if I was given command of
the ship. He had no choice. I was bluffing, but he is such a
son of a bitch, I knew it would be easy for him to believe the
worst of me.

He knows as well as I do, that if Decker is our only hope, then
we are screwed. It's not Decker's fault, but it is true
nonetheless. I have the Enterprise back. If we survive, I never
plan on being grounded again, no matter what it takes.

I also never plan on letting anyone in again. It did not serve
any logical purpose. It only resulted in pain. Lets try a brand
new tack, brilliant but distant. I don't want any friends
anymore, just useful, living, tools. You always complained that
I was too emotional, well I anticipate that will no longer be an
issue.  If we do not survive, never doubt that once, you were
the best part of me. Now that man is dead. I will never love or
depend on anyone again the way I did with you and Bones.

It seems that my father was right and I was wrong; love can
be a weakness and family can be a weapon to be used
against you.

Wish me luck. Shit, if I blow it, you sure as hell won't ever see
these letters, now will you.

Funny, ain't it? They are sending a recently suicidal man to
save the world. Oh, the sweet irony. No accounting for taste,
is there? The threat of mass destruction is just what I needed
to get me going.

God, please don't let me fail.

Admiral James T. Kirk

That was the last letter in the pack. Spock heard a low moan,
and it took him a bit to realize that it had come from him. The
enormity of what he had just read was staggering. Jim had
been ready to kill himself. Without Kirk there would no longer
be a Spock, an Enterprise, or an Earth. Decker's poor
judgement would have killed them within five minutes of
finding V'Ger. All of this would have happened because of
his, Spock's, fear of emotional intimacy.

He had almost killed the one truth in his life with his
cowardice. The pain made him grab his head and recite over
and over all the calming rituals that he had learned. Finally,
when he next looked up, it was time for him to go on duty. He
had only enough time to wash and change before he was due
on the bridge.

Kirk sat at the command station as coldly distant as ever. It
was if nothing had passed between them, no gift had been
given. Spock performed his duties with his customary
efficiency and then left the bridge at the earliest opportunity at
shifts end.

He did not plan to run away again. He sat and talked into the
late evening with the Doctor. He felt obligated to let him know
what destruction their actions had caused. He did not read
him the letters, but he did give him enough information to help
him understand. McCoy would have to make his separate
peace, and Spock knew that he would. The Doctor was a
gentle soul and he would be driven to seek a healing.

Spock had decided that his peace or his destruction would
happen this night. He waited until he heard Kirk leave his
cabin for his late night workout in the Gym. He followed far
enough behind, that Kirk was already sweating with exertion
by the time Spock walked through the door of his sparring
room and closed it.  He made the windows opaque so no
one could see in or disturb them. Earlier he had
reprogrammed the doors to open or lock on his voice
command without any possible override.

Jim turned and startled to see him in the room. He called a
halt to the program. "What can I do for you, Mr. Spock? Is
there some problem?" Spock stood and silently drank him in.
Yes, this man he was willing to fight and die for. "Spock, what
is it?"

"I came regarding your gift."

Kirk moved to walk past him, his face expressionless. "No
response was necessary, Mr. Spock; the letters were for you.
I don't require them any longer". Translation, I do not require
you any longer. Spock watched as Kirk went to the door and
realized that it was locked. "Spock, open the door."

"No"

"What do you mean, no?" Kirk's voice had a quiet rage to it.
"I am your commanding officer and I just gave you an order to
open the door."

"No, sir"

Kirk stood watching him, testing his resolve. Spock could
almost see his sharp mind working. "Fine, then I will go have
a seat over there until you come to your senses." Spock had
anticipated this strategy, so his countermove was ready.

"You will not sit and you will not leave."

"Right, talk to me after you are finished with your
performance." Kirk said calmly as he moved to slide down
the wall to a seat.

Spock was on him faster than thought. He grabbed him and
lifted him from the floor. "No, we will talk now. There will be no
more running for either one of us."

Spock could see the outrage build in his Captain. He knew
Kirk did not fear him; he was not certain Kirk feared anyone,
but this new assault had visibly shocked him to the core. Kirk
hated being confined or handled against his will, and having
his orders ignored only added fuel to the flames. Spock knew
that and he hoped to use them to break through to him.

Unexpectedly, he could see the fires being dampened as
efficiently as if a Kolinahru initiate stood before him. Jim
smiled at him and relaxed in his grasp. The smile never
reached his eyes, and he made no move to get away. It was
as if he was daring him.

"What now, Spock?" he whispered. " Are you going to beat
me, too? Go ahead, give it your best shot, but you had better
kill me while you're at it."

Spock had lost. This was not what he wanted. This would fail,
and he would fail.

Spock did the only thing he could think of. "I love you, Jim."

Kirk lurched back. "Stop this," he ordered harshly, as he tried
to pull away from the iron grip of the Vulcan.

Spock pressed on even as Jim continued to command him
to stop. "I have loved you for as long as I have known you. I
found myself wanting to smile with you and cry with you. I
wanted to hold you and comfort you when you were hurt. I
could not deny you anything. You were the bright center of my
universe. You were the only friend I had ever had and the only
one I ever  wanted. I did not know what to do." Kirk was
pushing him away, fighting to make him let go, but Spock
was relentless.

"Do you not understand? A Vulcan does not feel these
things." Spock could not have stopped even if he had wanted
to. Kirk was screaming at him to stop, to leave him alone.

"I left you because I was afraid to tell you those things. I left
you because I was ashamed of feeling like that about you.
Jim, I am so sorry. Regret is not logical, I know. There are no
other words to fit what I need to say to you. I beg you to
forgive me. I betrayed your trust and our friendship because I
was afraid of loving you. I have no excuses. I do not deserve
your forgiveness, but I ask it of you nonetheless." He let go of
his Captain. Now he had done all he could.

"Please," he whispered. The last word was torn out of
Spock's breast and with it fell the first tear of pain that the
adult Spock had ever allowed another to see him shed. The
sight silenced his Captain.

It was more than James Kirk could seemingly bear. He
dropped to the floor as if shot. Spock watched all the anger,
loneliness and betrayal that Kirk felt rush at him, overwhelm
him. The Vulcan and the Human were freed of the cage they
had locked their feelings in. Kirk had written that he had given
up on friendship. His letter said that he only wanted living
tools. Now, this had happened.

"How dare you? How dare you say that to me?" The more he
said the words the more enraged the human became. "You
love me. You love...me? What in Hades' name do you know
about love? You left me without so much as a frigging word.
Without any warning, you Mr. Logic and Lord of Rationality,
Spock of Vulcan, put a message on my machine to tell me
you were gone. Just like that, after five years of being each
other's shadow. You were my best friend, my brother. I never
ever let anyone in like I did you. No secrets, we promised,
and what did you do? The first chance you got, you and
Bones ran like scared rabbits. How am I suppose to trust you
again? You had my heart, Spock, and you just spaced it
without looking back. Fuck you." He said it in a voice that
shot a phaser blast to Spock's chest.

Kirk leaped to his feet and reached up to grab the unresisting
Vulcan by his shirt and threw him against the bulkhead. "Fuck
you." He screamed, past caring. He walked over to him and
took him again by the front of his shirt, still screaming. "You
want to be my friend, my brother. You tell me you love me and
it's all suppose to be fine. I was about to kill myself because I
had lost every last thing that was important to me. Everything,
and two of those "things" chose to leave me without looking
back."

"I thought I had to go, Jim. I thought, at the time, it was best
for you, for us both, if I left."

"Why? Nobody drove you away. I never asked you to do a
single thing for me, Spock. I never tried to remake you. You
tell me how in the hell I'm suppose to trust you again? Why
should I treat you any differently than I would a Romulan
Commander? At least I know what to expect from an enemy.
I've been shot, knifed, beaten, phasered, crushed, tortured
and raped. All of that put together didn't hurt one tenth of what
you did to me. What you did almost killed me. I was this
close. " He held up a hand with two fingers only an inch apart.
"I had a fully charged phaser out and ready to blast my own
head off. I wanted to stop hearing the sound of your voice
chanting in my head." Kirk released the limp Vulcan and
turned away to cross the room and lean against the opposite
wall.

"I don't want you inside me anymore Spock. You're too
dangerous." Spock had to strain to hear his final words,
spoken so softly towards the wall.

Kirk's pain cascaded off the Vulcan in waves. The Vulcan
knew then that he had to find some way to prove to his
Captain, his friend, that he would never run again. Spock
opened his shields and freed himself of his last defenses. He
would not give up either. "Jim, what I did was unforgivable. I
acted out of emotional cowardice." He crossed the room and
laid a tentative hand on the human's shoulder. "You are my
brother. You are my Shield mate, my T'hy'la. I have always
loved you and I will never stop. I will die before I ever leave
you again. I can not bear to have this distance exist between
us." Spock reached up and placed his hands softly against
Kirk's meld points and waited for Kirk's permission.  The
Human turned red rimmed eyes towards him and shook his
head to free it of the hand. "Jim, please. When have you ever
feared the truth?" He challenged.  "In a meld I can show you
all that I am. No secrets anymore." Spock saw a slight
glimmer of life in his Captain's eyes. He waited.

"Leave me alone, Spock. I have no weaknesses when I'm
alone."

"Alone, you also have no love. You, above all, should realize
that. You are the one who taught me that truth. You taught it to
me long before I ever knew V'ger. Did you lie then? Or, are
you lying now?"

Finally, after an eternity, Kirk nodded once to consent.
Perhaps nothing else would have or could have reached Kirk
that day, other than the simple truth that Spock showed him in
the meld. Spock held nothing back. He opened his hidden
world and everything avalanched down the mountain that he
had built for protection during his life. He felt shame for failing
his friend, guilt for his past deeds and silence, unwavering
loyalty, intense pride in his friend, awe at his friend's spirit,
brilliance and strength, and love. He showed him all of this
and how afraid he had been of Kirk's eventual rejection.
Spock's love shone through it all. The song that held it all was
bottomless, endless love for his friend that sung a long
breathless note through the meld.

Spock made Kirk feel it all. The waves hit Kirk, threw him
around,  submersed him, and threatened to drown him. Then
suddenly the meld receded, ebbed, unable to sustain it's own
intensity. The Vulcan stepped back to wait on his judgement.
Kirk's aura cooled to Vulcan eyes as the  previous rage died,
without an ember left to re-ignite it. Regardless of what the
Human had written in those letters, the essence of the person
that was James T. Kirk was not able to stand aloof against
that raw flood of Vulcan love. Spock had depended on that. In
the lingering meld, he could sense the human place his own
pain and feelings of betrayal below the pain and need of his
friend. He could feel the human toss aside his voices that told
him not to make a mockery of all of his previous promises.
He could feel Kirk surrender to the knowledge that he did not
want to deny Spock any more than he wanted to breathe
without air. Spock heard the echoes as Kirk asked himself
how he had forgotten that.

Kirk slowly straightened up. Wordlessly, he wrapped Spock
in his arms. They held each other until they both stopped
shaking.

"Jim?"

"Shh."

"Please let me say one more thing."

Kirk stepped back and looked up into Spock' s face. A hint of
a remembered sparkle had crept back into the hazel eyes
that looked up at him. "What?"

Spock got down on both knees and began in Vulcan, looking
into the face of his soul's flame.

"As it was in the beginning so shall it be in the end, My life for
thy life, my honor for thy honor. All that I have, all that I am
belongs to thee to use as thee will. Thy back will never be
unguarded. Thy wife and children shall be as mine own. Only
in death will I leave thee, and with death I will avenge thee.
This I swear. I am your T'hy'la now and forever." Spock
repeated it again in Standard, but he saw that Kirk had
understood the Vulcan.

Kirk stood back, looking stunned. Spock feared that he had
moved too quickly. Spock wasn't sure Kirk could take that
last step to total forgiveness. Kirk's anger had kept him going
for the last few months and he had only just let that go. Spock
watched the human's face as emotions played across it,
vying for supremacy. At last the one that Spock had awaited
with all of his being settled onto the face in front of him.

Kirk got down on his knees in front of Spock and grabbed his
hands. His painfully strained voice was a harsh whisper as he
finished the oath, in Vulcan.

How his human had known this, Spock couldn't begin to
guess. The oath dated from the time of Vulcans' past when a
shieldmate meant more than clan or even honor. They had
shown it to him at Gol, trying to demonstrate how illogical
those types of relationships were. Even at the time, the oath
had made him think of Jim.

Spock's heart sang as Jim spoke.

"All that thee are, I will honor. All of thy enemies, I will battle.
All of thy burdens, I will carry with thee. Thy wife and thy
children are as my own. Only death will sunder us. With my
blood I will succor thee, with my life I will avenge thee. I am
your T'hy'la now and forever."

They sat there for a time motionless, drained. Finally, Spock
stood up and reached down to draw his Captain, his T'hy'la,
up from the floor. Kirk was almost limp as Spock pulled him
to his feet. Spock could feel his friend's profound, bone
weary exhaustion, like a weight overlaying his own. He held
him tightly as Kirk got his legs under him. The toll of their
exchange of gifts had drained Jim past his endurance. Kirk
had been running on empty for so long.

They slowly and wordlessly walked back to Kirk's cabin, and
Spock put Jim to bed where he immediately fell asleep. The
first real sleep he had probably enjoyed in over two years.
Spock was sitting there when Kirk woke in the morning.

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