Title: Nightime
Author: Istannor 
Series : TOS
Part: 1/1
Rating NC I7 
Code: 
Summary: Kirk realizes that some things are worth
remembering.

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom, they own them I only check 'em out from the library.
I promise to bring 'em back, when they promise to treat them
with respect.
Copyright Stardust Memories 1998


				NIGHT TIME


The Enterprise was in the middle of the gamma shift. The
crew was quietly busy as the routine maintenance and
cleaning took place along with the hundreds of experiments
and small projects that were ongoing on a ship of  its size.
No-one was surprised as they saw the figure of their Captain
walking down the corridors. He would pick a door seemingly
at random and enter to talk to his crew member and ask them
about their project and their life. They had his full
attention for that time and at the end he would leave them
with some words of encouragement or humor. They would smile
long after he had left the room as they reviewed the
conversation and felt their pleasure at being noticed and
appreciated. Many of the crew had been on other ships, his
way was not the norm. 

Towards the end of his stroll he decided to stop in the
xenobiology lab. There was a new crewman there that he had
only met once, at the time when he had first come aboard.
Ensign Farad was his name, he remembered. When he walked in
he heard crying. Sitting on a chair against the wall was the
young ensign, holding his head in his hands crying great
shaking tears, as he rocked himself to try to get some type
of relief. James Kirk was momentarily unsure what to do, his
grief had always been solitary in nature, a result of his
job. It had been years since he had cried. He had not even
cried when his father died, not even for Sam, his brother,
or Gary his best friend, or for the many others that had
ripped his heart. Sometimes he wasn't sure he could cry
anymore, but here was a young crewman doing so openly on
duty.

"Ensign Farad," He called quietly as he went over and knelt
beside the young man. "Ensign, what is the problem, why are
you crying?"

The young  man looked up startled. When he saw that it was
his commanding officer he jumped to his feet or tried to but
a sob hit him as he arose and he bent over consumed by grief
and anguish. "Ensign would you like me to call the Doctor?"
The man shook his head no. Kirk did the only thing he knew
to do and grabbed the ensign in a hug and held him until the
sobs subsided. Finally Farad looked up at him, wiping his
eyes and face on his sleeves, he seemed slightly
embarrassed. Kirk left to find him a towel to clean himself
up and he took it gratefully.

"I am sorry sir, I just thought it would be better if I
stayed here instead of disturbing my roommate. I did not
expect any company," he said apologetically, "especially
you, sir."

"Understood Ensign, did you want to talk about what is
bothering you? Perhaps I can help."

"Thank-you for the offer, sir, but I'm afraid no-one can
help anymore. I just got notified that my father and my
brother were killed in a mining accident on Deneb 4. They
were all the family I had and now they are gone and there is
nothing I can do to change it. Its ironic really sir," the
young man said around his low sniffles, "my father was
always worried about how dangerous Starfleet duty was, and
he is the one getting killed at home."

Kirk shuddered as he remembered when he had found out about
the death of his grandfather, then his father and  years
later, his brother. God how it had all hurt. He thought, at
the time, that he would never get past it. "I am sorry,
Ensign. We will be in that quadrant in 2 weeks if you would
like to take a leave to go home."

"Yes sir, I would like that very much, and I am sorry for
crying all over you."

"I donut remember you doing that Ensign. Now clean yourself
up and get someone to relieve you for the next few days. We
are out in the middle of nowhere right now and I think you
can take some down time without being missed too sorely." He
turned to leave.

"Captain?" The young man called after him.

Kirk turned, "Yes."

"My father used to tell me that strong men don't cry, was he
right?" Kirk was the strongest man the ensign had ever met
he would know if anyone did.

Kirk stared at the man, only just out of boyhood,
remembering his father saying the same thing to him. "No,
ensign your father was wrong. Sometimes all a man can do is
cry and nothing else will do. My grandfather used to say
that being able to cry makes you stronger, it washes away
the poisons that kill your soul. I had forgotten that.
Thank-you for reminding me. Good night Ensign Farad."

"Good night, Sir."

Kirk walked slowly back to his cabin. His mind was full of
flashes of his father and Sam, Edith, Miramanee, Carol and
David, Gary, Captain Garrovick, faces flashed parading
through his sight. His grandfather's face was  staring up at
him in agony as he lay dying in his arms. Finally he flashed
to Tarsus and he grunted and had to bend over. It was as if
someone had hit him in the stomach. That was where he had
forgotten how to cry. It was all too much, he felt as if he
would shatter. No, no more, I can control this. What would
the crew say he thought, when they found him in pieces
laying in the corridor? 

He made it to his cabin by feel alone and fell onto his bed.
Renna. The pain was threatening to overwhelm him as it had
threatened to do so often in the past. Dad lied , men do
cry, but if I start I may never stop, I may never stop oh
god help me , please not now I can't break now , God help
me. No more I don't want anymore deaths on my hands. Don't
let me break, don't let me. He could only rock back and
forth on the bed holding himself together by shear will.
Control, breathe, and control. He repeated like a mantra but
it was comfortless.

Why now? I am stronger than this I do not need to do this.
Leave me alone stop it.

"Jimmy I'm going out to check on that new combine later
today. I'm going to ride Jessie. You wanna join me?"

Granpa Kirk was a big lean handsome man. He was some strange
American combination of Irish, African, Sioux Indian and
Italian.. His face was lined by the sun and the hard work of
working outside all of his life. He was as dark as Jimmy was
bright. His hair was a dark curly blackish brown, with olive
skin. Startling green eyes peered down at the boy in
affection as he spoke. Jimmy adored his grandfather. He had
been the one central male figure in his life for his entire
twelve years. His Grandmother Jennie had died before he was
born. The only thing Jimmy knew for sure about her was that
his grandfather had loved her more than life itself.

His father, always absent with his duties at Starfleet was a
distant if somewhat heroic figure. Whenever he returned to
earth for a leave the young boy was taught strategy or hand
to hand, but his grandfather, or Granpa as he called him,
was always there for him. Normally his response would have
been immediate and enthusiastic but today he was going to
the game parlor with his friends. He had been looking
forward to it for a week. He was going to defend his
reigning championship on Battlelords against all comers. No
way he was gonna miss that.

"Sorry Granpa, I gotta go defend the galaxy." He smiled
sunlit in anticipation." Can we go riding tomorrow?"

"Sure, Boy. When you get back I want you to finish cleaning
out that loft though."

"No problem. See ya."

"Dress warmly and tell your mama where you'll be. It's gonna
snow today, heavy."

"Is that the weatherman talking or the gift?"

"Both, now get going so you can get back and finish your
chores."

"Aye, aye sir."

Jimmy, kept running and went first to holler at his mom and
then hopped on his scooter to go into town. The victims were
waiting and he didn't want to prolong their agony. Damn
thoughtful of you Jimmy, he thought to himself.

George Kirk Sr. made for the house to change into some
warmer clothes. It was going to get cold and he wanted to
check on the combine before the snow got too deep. The
latest crop of winter wheat was planted, and the new strain
would do well at temperatures down to 20 degrees below zero.
The combine would automatically pull out a filamentous cover
over the crop if the weather got too dicey. Unfortunately
the computer readouts from the new piece of equipment were
looking screwy. He wanted it fixed before the weather
turned. As he entered the back door, he could hear Winona,
Nony as he called her, rummaging around in the kitchen.

"Hey there."

"Hey there yourself, old man. What are you up to today?"

"I'm gonna go check on that damn contraption we just bought.
It's actin' up already. I should make Smithy come out and
fix it since he sold it to us."

"Yeah, but if you wait for him it'll be next week before we
see him."

"I know. Can you put me together something to eat to take
out with me. I probably will be out there a while."

"Sure, how's turkey sound?" When Nony heard his mumbled
reply from the second floor she sat to making him some
sandwiches. 

Nony was where Jimmy got his looks and his size. She was a
small reddish blond women, with a beauty that had swept his
son's defenses away. Didn't hurt that she was smart as all
gitout either. All in all a great catch for his son. He
wasn't sure if the same could be said of his son. He didn't
like the fact that his own flesh and blood had gone off and
left his wife and children to play explorer cop  in the sky,
but there was no helping what was. Sam went on as if it
didn't matter that his father was never around.

 Jimmy was troubled by it, though. The boy was truly
 brilliant and unfortunately had more of the gift than he
 really needed. George Sr. praised the Lord again for their
 relative isolation in rural Iowa. It kept Jimmy from
 realizing how different he was. People out in the farmlands
 of Iowa had always been accepting of anyone who worked hard
 and went to church on Sunday. Jimmy was just one of the
 kids to them. George's gift told him that Jimmy was going
 to go further than any Kirk had ever gone, but where and
 how he hadn't intuited yet As for the gift, he had learned
 to hide it and couch it as hunches. The Kirk gift could be
 a blessing as well as a curse. When the boy hit puberty, it
 became more of a curse to him. He had been acting  jumpy
 lately, feeling something was about to happen. Usually when
 that happened they got a message from his Father telling
 him not to worry, always after the fact, when  whatever
 danger he had been in had passed.

Humph. No sense worrying. What will be is in the Lord's
hands. He got dressed and came downstairs to grab his food
and go saddle Jessie. Jimmy and he had trained the Appaloosa
and he needed to get out of the barn and stretch his legs.
When he stayed cooped up too long he got mean and skittish.
Just like me he thought.

Jimmy got back later that evening. He had to stow his bike
in the  flitter of one of the parents. The snow had started
to fall too hard and too fast to chance the ride back on the
scooter. He had been triumphal at the gameroom, but even the
glow of victory was not enough to calm the roiling of his
stomach. Something bad was happening. He wondered where his
dad was. He ran into the house ahead of the heavy flakes of
snow. His mother was in her study reading agricultural
journals as usual. When he shook off the snow and took off
his wet shoes he ran into the den and bounced on the couch
beside her. The fireplace had a warm crackling  flame dance
going in it, and Jimmy's eyes were drawn to it briefly. He
always loved open fires. They reminded him of his camping
trips with his grandfather. He had taught him how to hunt
and fish, ride horseback, track, everything. "Where's
Granpa?"

"He's  out checking on the new combine."

"Still? He left when I left didn't he?"

"Yup." She was distracted as usual, reading the latest on
new hybrid strains of grain.

"Has he called or anything? This is an awful long time for
him to be gone for just one combine."

"He called about six and said the mother board was bad and
he was going to go into the guts and pull it out and replace
it."

"It's snowing, mom, real heavy."

"You know your grandfather, Jimmy, once he gets started not
even a flood would stop him. I expect him back any moment."

Somehow, he didn't feel reassured. "Mom how about I go and
look for him? I know where the combine was this morning."

"I don't want you out in that weather too. One snowman is
enough for a family thank-you. Why don't you go into the
kitchen and get your dinner. I cooked some mixed greens and
beef ribs. I'm sure saving the galaxy made you hungry."

"Great." He ran out with all the gusto of youth, his worries
temporarily forgotten. 

She turned and looked after him. She knew that Jimmy had the
Kirk gift like his father and his grandfather. She hoped he
wasn't seeing something, that she had missed. You could rest
a house on George Sr.'s hunches, it wasn't clear yet how
reliable Jimmy would be. His father's gift was only a little
above random luck. George Sr. was a very religious man. He
felt that the Gift was God's doing, sometimes Winona wasn't
sure. At least her son took it in stride, pretty much like
he took everything. Even she was surprised by just how
gifted her youngest child was. It was something you tended
to forget as he rolled in the mud with his brother Sam, or
played one of his innumerable pranks on yet another
unsuspecting child. He was never mean-spirited just
spirited.

Jimmy came in with a plate piled higher than humanly
possible and sat down to eating with relish. He turned on
the tri-vid and watched the Dukayne Spirits play the Chicago
Bulls. Basketball was one of his many interests and the
Spirits looked like they might even make the playoffs this
year.

When the game was over, George Sr. was still not home, and
the snow was still falling. "Mom, maybe I should go out and
look for him, it's getting late and I got a feeling."

"What kind of feeling Jimmy?"

"Bad."

"Maybe you're right. I'll get my things on and head towards
the combine it should be in the northwest quadrant. You stay
here until I get back."

"I think I should go with you Mom."

"No you stay here, in case he gets back before I do."

She got dressed hurriedly and warmly and went out into the
night and the storm. The temperature was dropping rapidly
and she wanted to be out and back before it got too bad. The
flitter was powered up and out of the garage within ten
minutes. She headed out into the dark. A small figure stood
in the doorway and waved her out of sight.

The feeling got worse not better, for Jimmy. An hour later
his mother was back. He met her at the door and helped her
quickly out of her damp clothes. "No luck?"

"No luck. He wasn't at the combine or anywhere near it that
I could tell. I'm going to call into town and get some
help."

"Mom, it might be too late before they make it out here. I
think we need to go back out now." He looked at her, urgency
written in his face. She reached over and thoughtfully
brushed his cowlick of his forehead. She kept promising to
cut it, but nothing seemed to help, it still fell into his
face.

"No baby, I'm not risking you both out there. We'll wait on
the sheriff."

"Mom......."

"Don't argue with me Jimmy. Now make yourself useful and
call the neighbors and ask them to put out a feeler for him.
Maybe one of the plant sensors will pick him up."

"Okay.." He dutifully went up and contacted everybody on the
surrounding farms. The feeling got worse and worse, he felt
like he was going to choke. He couldn't take it anymore this
was getting them nowhere. He dressed himself in his warmest
clothes, grabbed a hookup, and a light and climbed quietly
out of the window and down into the night. He made his way
over to the barn and went in to get his horse, Nelson
Mandela. His Appaloosa was still young and a little flighty
but smart. He would get him out and back safely. He knew
something bad was happening and Granpa had always told him
to trust his instincts. He was trusting them now.

He rode out into the night towards the direction that called
to him. The snow was already piling up in drifts, causing
treacherous footing for his mount. He had to go slowly, but
it made him look around him more carefully. Halfway to the
northwest quad , he heard the whinny of a horse. The noise
of the flitter would have kept his mother from hearing it .
Nelson Mandela responded with a soft whuff and the flicking
of his ears. Jimmy stopped and stood still trying to catch
the sound again in the falling snow. Again there it was. Now
where was it coming from? Snow does funny things to sound
Granpa always says, it muffles it and reflects it at the
same time. Got to be careful.

Again, there it is. From over there I know it's coming  from
over there. Jimmy turned and made a straight line for where
he had heard the noise. He found nothing. Again the sound.
He decided to go back quickly to his starting point and
spiral out in ever widening circles. Eventually he would
have to find the source. Slowly methodically he did just
that. His eyes began to ache as he searched the darkness
ahead of him. Cold, gosh it was cold. "Please God help me."
Nelson suddenly whinnied and they heard a muffled response.
Suddenly he saw movement ahead. The ground shook and the
outline of a horses head could be seen above the drift.
Jimmy urged Nelson over and jumped down careless of the
reins. The horse would not stray.

Jessie was laying down in the snow huddled close to a lump
in the snow. It was his grandfather. Jimmy ran to kneel
beside him, more frightened than he had ever been in his
life. It hadn't been his father that was in trouble it had
been Granpa all the time. No, Granpa, you gotta be alright.
Don't be dead, please. He was crying and rapidly rubbed the
snow from his grandfathers body as he had been taught,
careful of the skin. He looked over his body and found a
large ugly bruise over his chest and abdomen. His left leg
was at a funny angle and his back look crooked. He was
afraid to move him. He ran tohis Appalosa and called his
mother in a panic to tell her that he had found him and give
her the general location. He grabbed the saddle off of the
horse and took the blanket to lay over his grandfather.

"Granpa, it's me Jimmy. I'm here. Can you here me. It's me."
He rubbed at his limbs as hard as he could to try to get
some warmth into them and then went to get Jordan. He forced
Jordan to lay down on the other side of his grandfather to
form a wind break and got back down between the horses into
their body warmth and next to his grandfather.

"Jimmy?" He stirred weakly. "What the hell are you doin' out
here boy? Mom will get us both for sure."

"I came to find you Granpa, I came to get you. I knew
somethin' was wrong and I couldn't wait for the sheriff. Mom
came looking for you but she went right past you. I did just
like you taught me. I found you. You're gonna be fine you
wait and see."

"No Boy I'm not. I can't feel anything. I know it's my time
Boy an' I'm going to glory. I fell off the damn horse. You
know it would be funny if it weren't so stupid. He tripped
in a hole in the snow and I wasn't paying attention like I
always told you to do and I fell off the damn horse." He
smiled in the darkness. "I love you James Tiberius Kirk, and
you are gonna keep on makin' me proud just like you been
doin'. 

"You'll be fine Granpa, just you wait and see. Mom will be
here. I called her already." Tears streamed down his face as
he sobbed against his grandfathers side. He body was so
cold.

"I'll be fine but I'm dyin' just the same." His voice was
dreamy and distant. "The gift says so and it's never lied to
me yet. Boy, you are gonna do great things you know, go
places that I can't even imagine. Don't forget your old man
when you get there." He fell silent.

"Granpa,"  Jimmy screamed he was afraid to shake him and
equally afraid not too. "Don't you die on me. Don't you dare
die on me. I'll never forgive you if you die, never Granpa."

He heard a sharp grunt and then a deep breath, painfully his
grandfather turned to him and looked at him. "Jimmy dying
ain't the end of the world you know." He said softly.
"Everybody does it sooner or later. You'll forgive me Boy.
You never were one to stay mad for long.  You were God's
gift to me Jimmy. Your Momma may have birthed you but you're
mine, ain't no way you'll stay mad at me. You make sure and
tell the family I love them, and I'm gonna  be with my
Darlin' Jennie and the Lord. It's gonna be fine....." 

"No......"He sobbed,  "No Granddaddy I love you...." They
found him wrapped in his grandfather's lifeless arms,
between the two horses that they had trained together,
sobbing hysterically with crystal tears frozen on his face.

His father arrived in time for the funeral. Jimmy had stayed
to himself since that night, refusing comfort from anyone.
His world had been shattered and he didn't see how it would
be fine. For the first time in his life his grandfather had
lied to him. It was never going to be fine again.

"JT, can I come in?" It was his father at the door. Jimmy
didn't answer. It didn't matter if he answered or not, he
would come in regardless. The door opened and his father
came in. George Jr. was a big man like his father and a hard
man. He loved his sons but he had trouble connecting with
them, this one most of all. He could feel the stirring of
something in his youngest that was beyond his understanding.
His father had said that God had marked his youngest for his
purposes, whatever, he was a little intimidated by him even
though he was only twelve. He knew it was his stunted gift
talking, but he had learned to trust it even as weak as it
was.

"Are you going to come downstairs? Your cousins are here and
they would like to see you."

"I'd rather not if it's alright with you Dad. I would prefer
to stay here." The small boy sat hunched over his knees in
the chair he had made for himself with his Grandfather's
help.

"As a matter of fact it's not alright with me. You have not
left this room for seven days I want you to come and join
the family. Your Grandfather would not..."

"What would you know about what he would want." His voice
started to raise in rage. "You are never here. Here you are
showing up for his funeral for Crissakes, where were you
seven days ago, huh? You're never anywhere near when I need
you. Only Mom and Granpa have ever been there for me and
he's dead. I thought it was you in trouble. I was all
worried about you and because of that I was too late to get
to him. I wish it had of been you." He screamed and then ran
from the room. George Kirk sat quietly stunned in the
painful silence left by his son. He suddenly realized what
his choices had cost him, cost them both. Then he wept for
what they, he and his son, would never have.

A month later George and Winona conferred over their deeply
hurt and mournful son and decided he needed to get away.
They wanted him to go somewhere for a while where everyplace
didn't remind him of his grandfather. Finally they settled
on sending him to visit his cousins. They had relocated to a
new colony world that was supposed  to be beautiful. They
made the arrangements and got the tickets. It cost them a
small fortune, but they both agreed that their son was in
deep  need. George would pick Jimmy up after a month and
they would spend some time together. They both needed it, if
he was ever going to rehabilitate his relationship with his
son. They packed him off and sent him to vacation on
.....Tarsus 4.

He was back in his cabin again on the Enterprise. Rocking
and trying to breathe. The pain had receded barely but as he
thought about his grandfather again it flowed anew and he
decided for once to let it wash over him in cresting waves.
Maybe then he would feel better.  Granpa was right he had
forgiven him, but it wasn't fine, not for him, not now.
"Ah, damn, leave me alone. You're dead. Leave me alone."

" You're not alone Jim. He heard a voice in his head.

The cabin door opened and someone came in silently and sat
on his bedside. "Jim," He heard a voice from far away. It
was Spock, but he couldn't speak to answer him. A hand
reached out and stroked his forehead. "Some things can not
be avoided, some pains can not be put aside, you must accept
the unavoidable, even Vulcans grieve." 

"I'm okay Spock," he whispered harshly, " you can go,
really. I just need some rest." He desperately didn't want
the Vulcan to see him break down. He had to be perfect for
his crew. He had to be.
 
"You are patently not okay. You are in pain. It woke me up.
Why do you insist on keeping up this pretense between us. It
is not proper between shieldmates.  You have been tortured
and beaten almost to death, and you have lost the company of
a woman2 that you admire and care deeply for. You are not
okay. But you will survive. You hurt and I will stay here
with you where I belong." He paused and he looked at the
anguish in his friends face. "My mother was prone to say
that crying does a man good. It washes away the poisons that
tear at the soul. Unfortunately I would never avail myself
of that tool. I thought it was improper to do so as a
Vulcan. I was a fool. I no longer am limited by those
restrictions."

Kirk turned to look at his friend. "My grandfather used to
say something very much like that."

"It seems that your Grandfather and my mother would have
gotten along quite well. You have never told me about him,
perhaps one day you will."

"You two would have been great friends."

"Really?  Tell me."

Haltingly with the smiling face of  his Granpa before him
and the listening ears of his best friend beside him, Jim
told him about George Kirk Sr.  As he spoke, gradually he
felt the load lift from his heart. Finally twenty seven
years after it happened he talked about his Grandpa's death,
to the only one he could reveal his heart to. The first tear
fell and he felt surprise at that, then more, followed by
great shuddering sobs, for all that he had lost or left
behind. He felt himself being lifted easily and held to
Spock's chest. He could not stop crying now even if he had
wanted to. The dam had broken and years of being strong for
everyone had led to him not being able to grieve for his
losses, for his pain. The ironman had shattered. 

Spock held him tightly and sent gentle thoughts of support
and reassurance to him. There was no embarrassment or
condemnation. Finally, exhausted, but feeling cleansed, Kirk
fell asleep, being comforted in the company of his friend.
He slept the sleep of the innocent. Spock covered him with a
blanket and turned out the lights before he left.  He had
given him a small measure of the healing that had been
Kirk's gift to him. He owed all of his present contentment
to this brilliant, giving soul. He would never willingly
leave this human's side  while still living.  He knew this
was as it should be.



                                                        The
                                                        End


1 Episode Conscience of the King TOS the planet on which
Kodos the executioner killed 4000 people.
2 From the story Higher Duty by Istannor . Stardust Memories
copyright 1998 
4


1