Title: Pictures Of The Mind Author: Istannor Series: TOS Part: 1/1 Rating: NC17 Codes: K/S Summary: Kirk's legacy is something even Spock did not anticipate. Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and Viacom, they own them I only check 'em out from the library. I promise to bring 'em back. Pictures of The Mind Spock sighed, audibly. At an earlier time in life he would have severely remonstrated with himself at such a regrettable show of emotion. Currently, he couldn't be bothered with guilt and inanities. He knew he must keep all of his wits and his personal resolve intact for the upcoming meeting with his father. Sarek would be awaiting his arrival at Shi'kahr Central. They were planning on going straight to the Vulcan Council Diplomatic Convention for a meeting. That was anticipated and held no sense of trepidation for him. It was the trip afterwards to his childhood home, with his father, which caused him concern. Spock realized he dreaded another confrontation, in a lifetime of confrontations, with his father. Spock sighed again. He leaned his head back against the headrest of his shuttle seat. The fast warp sled would arrive in another 1.23 hours at his destination. "Jim, would love to fly this." The errant thought drifted through his mind. He clamped down on it quickly, even as he felt his heart seize in pain. He still after 5.6 years could not help his automatic search for the answer from the bond that was no longer there, for his life that no longer was. No, the bond was still there, ragged and bleeding every day of his existence. It was the untethered end, whipping in the mental mists, that signified his isolation. Vulcan memory forgot nothing. He smelled Jim's favorite cologne every where. He heard his laughter at all hours of the night and day and never failed to look for its source. He saw Jim's face grinning in pure delight and love at him when his eyes closed. He felt his flesh heat and began to rise at the merest thought of cool human hands and lips on his skin. Jim's hands and lips were only memories now. Spock had finally stopped his railing against the oath Jim had made him swear. The Vulcan had sworn an oath, not to follow Kirk into death. With Jim's usual wanton abuse of logic, he had stated calmly and logically: "Our Katra's are bound irrevocably, T'hy'la. What difference will it make to them if they have to wait a few seconds out of eternity before they are reunited. I can not live at peace, if I know I will drag you with me into death ahead of your time." Jim had moved towards him. Kirk's force washed over him then as it always had. Spock had never been able to resist the surety that radiated from his mate. "Spock, you are the only true legacy I will have, ever. If you survive my death, you could do so many more great things for the Federation and for yourself. You could have children, a wife, and all the things we have never allowed ourselves to have. I want to die knowing you will live, for me." They had argued. Finally, Spock had relented. It was inevitable from the beginning. Kirk never lost, except when he wanted to. "Jim, I love you." He sent the thought out, with nothing but illogical hope giving it wings. "I will never stop loving you. You were and are my life." He could hear McCoy's voice raised in anger. "You two are the most obsessive people I have ever known. You obsess about work. You obsess about space. And now, dammit, you obsess about each other. You have been bonded for ten years and you are still fucking like newlyweds. Will you give it a rest already and come down to the planet with me for shoreleave. At least try to act like there is someone else in the world except the two of you," McCoy had sputtered. Kirk's laughter trailed as a caress through Spock's mind. His mate had laughed until he teared and agreed for both of them , to a vacation with the Doctor. It had been Jim who planned it for his friend McCoy, to show him he was loved. The Doctor's tears were proof at the end, of his success. Spock's mind flashed to other pictures. "Spock, Spock?" Kirk's voice whispered through the night air of Seralphe 2. The planet was yet another in a long lists of new worlds opened up by the Enterprise. They were bivouacked on the planet's surface awaiting the completion of the planetary survey. Kirk and he had shared a tent, as usual. "Are you asleep?" The human's voice had a wistful tone. "No longer." The Vulcan smiled in the dark. He knew Kirk would sense his humor, even so. "I can't sleep." "Obviously." His gentle barb was met with laughter. When had it become so important for a Vulcan to joke? Spock mused to himself on that long gone day. "Spock, this reminds me of my first camping trip with my grandfather and Sam. At night, we went down to the stream and caught tadpoles. Do you think there are any equivalents here?" "Unknown. I could search the available data base, if you desire." "I'll tell you what I desire. Let's go down to that creek and look for some." He grinned mischievously. Spock's night vision was excellent. Vulcan had no moon, therefore night was truly night on his birth world. "You desire to leave our warm, dry, tent; go down to a wet, cold, rivulet, to be precise, and search for nocturnal amphibians, or a comparable species?" "Uh, huh. Come with me?" Kirk smiled at him and Spock felt his heart dissolve into its component molecules. "I am quite sure I will regret this decision." Spock stated unequivocally as he arose to get dressed. Kirk chuckled and waited for him to dress. The night had been magic. They had sat in the light of the twin moons and watched the nocturnal meandering of the planetary equivalent of tadpoles. The light had shimmered around them and silence had washed over them. They ended up talking through the long darkness and watching the sun rise over their heads. That was the night Spock realized he had fallen in love with his Captain. When had he ever not loved his Captain. There was no time. He saw James Kirk on the transporter pad. He felt again his rigid shock at the sight. Nothing in the orientation briefing by Pike had prepared him for the shear force that erupted from his new Captain. Kirk seemed to shimmer and throb with barely repressed intensity. As he stepped off the pad that first day and greeted Captain Pike, even Pike had nodded involuntarily in approval. "Captain Kirk, welcome aboard. Let me introduce you to your new command crew. Lt. Commander Gary Mitchell, I am sure you know." Kirk had nodded with a crooked smile and silently saluted his new first. Spock remembered the twinge of regret he had felt and then denied to himself. Gary had joined the ship first, a month prior, as the navigator. Kirk had requested him as his number One. Spock and he already had not meshed well. He remembered hoping this man would not feel as Mitchell did. Even then, it was important that their relationship be different than all of his previous ones. "This is your Science Officer, Lt. Commander Spock." Pike and Kirk now stood in front of him. Kirk regarded him from clear hazel eyes, unflinching and strangely welcoming. Spock remembered a thrill of warmth moving through him. "I have heard a great deal about you, Mr. Spock. I look forward to our service together. I think it will be a mutually rewarding one. I want to meet with you at our earliest convenience for a private briefing on the status of the science departments." Spock remembered the dryness of his throat and the difficulty he had with speaking that day. "I will do my utmost to satisfy your expectations, Sir. Welcome aboard." Kirk had smiled at him, a truly genuine, wondrous smile. That was the day the new Spock had been born. He trembled slightly at the memory and pulled the traveling cloak tightly around him. These memories served no logical purpose. Try as he might, he was caught in them. They flashed across his mind, pictures, and feelings of love and joy. All were lost to him now, until he rejoined his T'hy'la on the other side. In the meantime he would continue as he had for the past five years. His life was full of diplomacy and travel away from anything that brought back memories of his beloved. Perhaps it was time to go to Romulus and work on reunification. There was nothing on Romulus that resonated of Jim Kirk, since Renna's death.1 It was near his time. He knew Sarek had ordered his return to find a mate for him. Spock had no intention of forming another Bond. No-one would accept his requirement that his Bond with Kirk remain sacrosanct. He would not sunder that for any reason, not even to save his own life. If he did, his last tie to Jim would be broken and he would not be able to rejoin him in death. No, there would not be another bond. He would use the services of a professional. Jim had taught him how to enjoy, even revel in their time. He could not share that with any other who needed him to care for them. He would buy a companion for the time and leave them afterwards. He would do that for the next 110 years of his expected life, until he returned to his love. "Jim?" "Yes, Spock?" Jim had responded sleepily. "Why me?" "Why you, what, T'hy'la?" Kirk had turned sleepily towards him and wrapped him in his arms. They were in Spock's bed, onboard the Enterprise. It was the first month of their Bonding. Spock found himself often awakening and watching his love sleep. Jim always smiled, even when he slept. He was smiling at him now. "Why have you changed your sexual orientation to be with me? Why have you decided to love me? What did you ever see in me? You have been approached by so many who are better looking, as intelligent, more powerful, female and male. Why me?" "There is no one in my universe more powerful than you, T'hy'la." Kirk stroked his face softly as he spoke. "You hold my soul, they only held my interest for awhile. As to why fate would serve my love up to me in the guise of a gangly, Vulcan male, I have no idea. I would be stupid to keep fighting it though. I love you, Spock, more than anything else in my life, more than my own life. I would be lying to myself, and you, if I denied it. Why lie and why resist over the issue of gender?" "Do you miss being with a woman?" "Sometimes. I won't deny that. I loved being with women. I look, old habits die hard." Kirk refused to turn his gaze away from him. "I will not ever act on it, though. One day I counted all my liaisons up. I have fucked two hundred and twelve women since I was fourteen, now I'm thirty nine. None of them are in this bed with me, now. I am with you. I will always be with you. You fill all my empty places. I have never been so happy in all my life. I would be a fool to leave this. I am no fool, crazy perhaps, but no fool. I have let you into all my hidden places, even Tarsus. Never doubt me, Love, never." They had made love then with a passion that had been frightening and all-consuming. Spock had screamed Jim's name so loudly, he was sure the entire ship had heard him. He had fallen asleep with Kirk still encased in him and whispering his love in his ear. Spock willed himself to sleep, until they reached Vulcan. If his memories continued in this vein, he would have an orgasm in his seat. A perverse whirl of pleasure swirled through him at the thought. How much he had changed through the years to contemplate such with ease. The shuttle landed on schedule. Sarek was there to greet him. After the formal greeting and a brief period of informational exchange they proceeded to the official debriefing in Shi'kahr proper. Much later, father and son made their way to their ancestral home. Amanda was there to greet him, when he arrived. He hugged his mother, in defiance of Vulcan tradition. Jim used to kiss her and call her Mother. Even his home reminded him of his beloved. There was no escape, even had he wished it. They ate their dinner and chatted pleasantly of days and duties. Amanda still taught at the VSA. Her health had been deteriorating lately but she was determined to not give up her students. Sarek's off world trips had decreased as Spock took over more of his duties. They seemed content. The end of the dinner came as he knew it must. Strangely, both Sarek and his mother stayed for the anticipated confrontation. "Spock, your time approaches. You are bereft of your Bondmate. What are your plans?" "Father, I am an adult and fully capable of making my own plans. Calling me back to Vulcan for this reason is illogical." "Son, we are concerned," Amanda stated calmly. "I recognize that, Mother. That still does not mean your intervention is required. I will take care of my Pon Farr without your assistance. If you recall, my Bondmate was found without your assistance." "Son, we are following the directives of your Bondmate." Sarek allowed that information to drop like the bomb it was. It exploded and sent waves of pain and shock through Spock where he sat unmoving. Spock finally whispered between clinched lips. "Explain." Amanda looked at her son in profound sympathy for his pain. He was so thin and gaunt. His joy and the playfulness he had found with Jim, were memories. He only existed now, awaiting his death. She looked at Sarek and willed him to be gentle with their son. He heard her plea through the bond and sent her reassurance. "James selected a mate for you, in the event of his death. He asked that we give you some time and introduce you to her. She awaits an invitation to a meeting with you." Spock reared back his head in renewed pain. A small groan escaped his lips. "Son, he loved you so profoundly, even I can not comprehend what he did. Please, meet with her." Sarek paused to allow his son to regain his control. He knew the next sentence would be even more taxing. "He left you a message." Spock's eyes flew open. He stood and left the room without a backward glance. James had said he would do so. How well the human had understood his son. How completely he had loved him. Sarek would wait. The next morning Spock came to him in his study. He stood quietly with his hands clasped behind his back. "Where is the message tape?" Sarek got up wordlessly and retrieved it from his safe to give to his son. He held it out to him and Spock took it as if it were a live Le' Matya. Sarek left him to look at it alone. Spock sat and gathered his courage. "Jim, I miss you so." He whispered. "What have you done, T'hy'la?" He slowly slid the tape in and tried to remember to breathe. Jim came onto the screen as he looked right after the Khittomer Conference, short months before his death. He had lost weight on being grounded and his face looked sculpted. He was so very handsome, full of life, and power. Strands of gray ran through his hair. His eyes sparkled with brilliance and emotion. Spock turned off the tape. He felt overwhelmed by the picture, seeped in the raw memory of the depth of their love. They had been single-minded in that, as in all other things in their lives. But their love had been their center stone. It had and still defined the Vulcan, as no other thing had ever done. He was, because Kirk had loved him. He turned the tape back on. "Spock, beloved, my T'hy'la. I love you, all of you from your ear tips to your wonderful double ridge." Kirk smiled at the last statement. Spock felt himself begin to blush. "Don't blush, T'hy'la, being sixty hasn't slowed that down much at all, though I admit I can't get it up for three or four a day anymore. But, thankfully you can." Kirk gave him a look of pure pleasure. Spock shivered in response. They continued to have sex like teenagers, at every opportunity, until Kirk's death. It had been joyous. They never could get enough of each other. "Since you are looking at this, your parents have spoken to you of my wishes. I know you T'hy'la. You are alone now, and have decided to never take another Bondmate. You have decided to live a life of little joy and allow the pictures of our past to fill your mind. You gave me more joy than any person has any right to have, Spock. You loved me with abandon. You held nothing back. All the dirty parts of me and what I am, were revealed to you, and you never turned away. Never doubt my love. What I do now is out of love. I told you before, many times, there is almost nothing I would not do for you. I meant every word of it." Spock stopped the tape. He remembered when he realized the bond was inevitable. He sat in his cabin a year after V'ger had left Earth to go on. His Captain and he were once again reading each other and moving in synch. All was well in his universe. He was home. The doorchime rang. "Enter." It was Kirk. "Are you ready?" He stood brimming over with energy. His aura seemed to pulsate with life and enthusiasm; it never failed to draw Spock in." "Perhaps, ready would be too emphatic a term. Let us say I am resolved." The Vulcan allowed a gentle teasing sound to enter his voice. "Come on, Spock, it will be fun. Anyway, once we get through with this, we get to go to Argellius for leave. I know I'm going to need it." They were scheduled to beam down to an isolated planetoid and engage in war games with five other ships. Kirk was to command the ground squad against the concerted attack of three "Klingon ships" in orbit around the planet. He had been ordered to command a squad of Starship security and Fleet Commandos. It was designed to see whether or not the two groups could mesh. Kirk had fought for the inclusion of a squad of marines on each Starship, when he was Chief of Ops. Starfleet felt it was too militaristic a move, opening up a can of worms they would rather remain closed. The Enterprise was not allowed to participate, so she was to warp out after they offloaded. She would finish her circuit and return to pick them up. Three light Cruisers would remain in orbit. They were each roughly the size of a small Bird of Prey. Spock stood and saluted in precise military fashion. "Aye, aye, Captain." The nightmare began shortly after they hit ground. The real Klingons showed up, in force. They felt the war games, without a true starship in attendance, was a perfect time to rid themselves of Kirk, Spock and a number of other Federation nuisances, in one fell swoop. Kirk fought like a demon. His military moves were still taught at the Academy, but only in the advanced strategy courses. His military moves had delayed the Klingons long enough for the Enterprise to arrive and blast the remaining two ships out of the sky. His military moves had left half his team dead or dying. His military moves had left him shattered emotionally. Only Spock was there to pick up the pieces. Only Spock was allowed past the gloom he surrounded himself with. He had entered his Captain's quarter, late one night, in response to a silent call. He found his Captain sitting in the dark, silently crying, alone and bereft of comfort. He did the only thing he knew to do. He crossed over to him and lifted his boneless body up and crossed over to the bed. He stretched him out and laid down beside him. When he reached his hands up to ask for a meld, the pain in Kirk's eyes made him pull back in fear: "If you dare, My friend, only if you dare, " the eyes said. He gathered his courage. Jim needed to not be alone. He fell into the mind of his Captain. Spock was never sure when they began to kiss, or even who began. They had meshed so completely, so unexpectedly, that neither was sure where they began a thought or ended a motion. Kirk pulled back first, in shock, and embarrassment. He apologized profusely, certain in his own mind that it had been his fault. He had jumped up and left his own cabin, to end the awkward situation. Spock remembered that he had not felt embarrassed at all, in fact he had been amused at Kirk's reaction, because he had seen he truth of what was in Jim's mind. Spock smiled at the memory of his Captain in full flight. They did not bond or make love that night. They did begin to heal all their wounds of a lifetime. Their future had been written, on that night. It took them a while longer, to finally surrender to the inevitable. Spock felt his heart clinch. A tear ran down from his left eye, the one Jim loved to kiss the most. "I do not want you to be alone. You are too wonderful, too special to live alone. I love you too much for you to continue alone. I met a woman, Spock, a Vulcan woman, after Khittomer, while you were still at the conference. Her name is T'Lara. She is beautiful, brilliant, and loving. She laughs Spock. Can you imagine that? A Vulcan that laughs, without me making him crazy." Jim smiled. "I could have loved her if you were not in my every pore. I know you can love her. Her bondmate died five years ago. She resisted another because she was so in love, like us. We talked all through the night. It was tender and truthful all at the same time." "Meet with her. Give her a chance. I told her all about us. We even melded, at my request. I needed to know her. I told her how much I adore you, Spock. I do, you know; I always will. All things change. I know this, and you know this. Change with me, beloved. Learn to share with another. It will not lessen us, only enrich you. Nothing, not death or eternity can ever lessen what we have, what we had." "I ache with wanting you. Now, I will go and make love to you and you will wonder at my passion. Remember, all that I was and am, is yours. Be happy, beloved. Love her as well as you can, for me. Peace and long life. You are in my dreams." The message ended. Spock bowed his head onto his hands, cried, and remembered. "Jim, do not die, you can not die and leave me. I will not live without you." Spock was pleading. He held his Captain in his arms and tried to staunch the blood that gushed from his abdomen. Kirk's breath came in agonizing gasps as he struggled for each iota of air. Spock remembered holding his Captain, his only friend as if he could melt into his skin. He had never been so terrified in his life. McCoy was on his way but still the wound bled and his Captain suffered. Jim had been shot with a projectile that had torn a gaping wound in his stomach. He remembered the eyes looking up at him, filled with such longing, love, and gentleness. "Spock, " each word was an agonizing struggle for him. "I love you." Kirk took a painful breath. " I'm so sorry, my friend." Another gasp escaped his lips. " I never wanted to leave you alone." The light faded from his eyes and Spock remembered his own voice raised in a scream of anguish before he plunged his mind down into the deep meld. They would both live or both die. No other choice was possible for him that day. That was the day he realized he did not wish to live without his Captain. That was the day Kirk privately decided they would not bond until Spock could live without him. McCoy arrived to find them both on the brink of death. The battle for their lives took days. When Spock was able, at last, to separate from Kirk's mind, his Captain was stable and McCoy was furious. The Doctor never did forgive him for almost making him lose both of them at the same time. It never did get easier for the Doctor. Spock remembered, loss worked on many levels. He left the room, hours later and went to find Sarek. "I will meet her." His father nodded solemnly. "I will arrange it, my son." The day of the meeting, Spock had a peace he had not anticipated. The prospect of meeting the woman his beloved had selected for him filled him, with unbelievable pride and joy. No Vulcan would have thought to do such. How much his T'hy'la had loved him, to provide companionship even after his death. Spock sat and waited. His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Sarek's voice. 'Spock, this is T'Lara." Spock stood quickly, his mind back to the present. She was petite, skin, the color of Jim's hair, with large coal black eyes that saw into his soul, and he felt it stir. As he looked at her, she smiled. "T'Lara, I greet you, and bid you welcome to my home." "Spock, I greet you and accept your welcome." She paused to search for her words. "You are precisely as he described. You are truly fortunate to have had such a mate. He loved you more than life itself, Spock. I seek to enrich his memory, not diminish it." Spock bent his head and when he looked back up, he knew she understood and accepted the truths of his existence. "He is my life. All my pictures are of him. I was and am truly honored, T'Lara." He crossed to her and stood in quiet appraisal. What he saw gave him comfort. She could be his friend. "Would you walk with me in the garden, T'Lara?" "Yes, I would enjoy that." The use of the emotional term made Spock smile slightly, wistfully. They left to walk. Drawn irresistibly to the scene, Amanda and Sarek stood in the window and watched them disappear from sight. Amanda turned to her beloved and held out her hand for a caress. "Husband, do you think he will accept her?" "James said he would. We can only trust to James' knowledge of our son. He always knew him better than we did." Sarek stood thoughtfully, remembering his son by adoption., the Human who had healed his family. "He was truly a remarkable person. I never told him that. That was an unpardonable oversight." "He knew your opinion of him, my love.." They stood and watched their garden. The wind chimes tinkled in the desert breeze. "Husband?" "Yes, Wife." "I too wish you to remarry, after I am gone." "We will not speak of it, Amanda." Sarek walked away in obvious distress. She watched the vision of his rigid retreating back, in silence. "Oh, yes we will, my love. And, you will do as I ask. Do not doubt my resolve in this matter." The wedding took place two months later on the red sands of Vulcan. Spock felt Kirk's kiss as he kissed T'Lara. Copper- skinned T'Lara of the laughing eyes and quick- silver mind. She laughed in joy and he felt loved twice over. She had loved her bondmate Staren, with a passion equal to Spock's own for Jim. T'Lara and he became friends. First memories, pictures of the mind drew them together, then love. True, not the love of soaring, aching life in another's skin. They loved each other as old friends going into the future together, rejoicing in the past. Spock could feel Jim's smile as he went into his time. Even in death his T'hy'la had shown his love, and taught him how to feel again. The universe would surely tremble when they were reunited, as they surely must be. 1 Character from Higher Duty, Author: Istannor . 7 3