Spock's Logs 13 Author: Istannor Series: TOS Part: 1/1 Rating: [PG13] Codes: Summary: We give our thanks to Ambassador Spock's estate for allowing us to view these records. It allows us an unusual insight into the process by which the most famous Command team in Starfleet history, became a team. This details the aftermath of Charon and Spock's reaction to his own actions. Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and Viacom. They own them. I only check 'em out from the library.I promise to bring 'em back. Spock's Logs 13 Stardate 2036.4: We have completed the two weeks of Dr. McCoy's silence and it has been a most satisfying two weeks. Yesterday he gave his talk to the three shifts and I will admit to it being adequate. Unfortunately, that released him from the strictures placed on him and he wasted no time in his pursuit of making up for lost words. He has been running his mouth almost continually since yesterday. This may not be a factual statement, but I have not personally seen him being silent since the Captain informed McCoy that he had reached the end of his penance. Jim is taking this all in stride and sits and listens while McCoy chatters. I am unable to tolerate McCoy's presence since much that he feels a need to speak about seems to me to be so much nonsense. McCoy is a highly illogical, emotional, and irrational individual. Thankfully, he has one redeeming trait: he is an excellent physician. I have spent much time before the focusing flame to attempt to deal with my issues surrounding my emotional lapse regarding McCoy. Anger has no place in the rational being's mind. Eventually, I was able to reach acceptance of my inadequacies in this arena and I have striven rigorously to deal with myself regarding this particular shortcoming. I believe that I have reached an understanding of how I failed and I have formulated a plan to deal with my anger in the future. I have not been nearly as successful in dealing with my failings as a Starfleet Officer. I was willing to disobey orders to rescue my Captain. Disobedience has no place in the life of a Starfleet Officer. I am to follow orders and I am to do my duty. My duty does not entail disobeying the orders of the commanding Admiral of Starfleet. Yet, I was willing to do so and I surmise I am still willing to do so for the life of my Captain. If this is so, where do my true loyalties lie? Am I first and foremost, the First Officer of the Enterprise, or am I first and foremost, James Kirk's friend? One cannot serve two masters, therefore I must choose the master that I will serve. I choose Starfleet. I will not have it be said that I disgraced Vulcan by betraying the principles of Starfleet. I was wrong to contemplate disobedience. I was wrong to plan on going against the will of the Federation for the purpose of ensuring the survival of one man. It is not important how I feel about that one man; he is still only one man and should not be placed above the good of the whole. My role as First Officer is to serve as a counterbalance to the will of the Captain. I am to be his counsel when needed and his opposition when required. How may I perform this task if I allow myself to descend into an existence where I am nothing more than his willing lackey? I realize he has not asked me to play this role, so there is no culpability on his part. Regardless, he calls me out of myself and causes me to contemplate doing that which I should never do. He is an enticement to commit acts of folly. While he was unconscious, I was unwilling to leave his side. I had convinced myself of the necessity of my presence for his swift healing. It is true that my presence caused his monitor to show improvement and his stress levels to decrease, even while asleep. As a Vulcan, I understand this phenomenon well since it is part of the Vulcan way. As telepaths, the presence of someone close to us strengthens us and relaxes us during the process of healing. For this reason, no Vulcan is ever allowed to be alone while in a healing trance. Since the presence of another is also required to bring a Vulcan out of the healing trance, this serves a dual purpose. I have no idea why it was effective with a human. Since Jim has been released from the Sickbay, I have found it difficult to be in his presence. There is a part of me that thinks he will discern how I was willing to flout Starfleet regulations in order to save his life. Fortunately, McCoy is so busy trying to make amends with Jim that he fills up most of Jim's waking hours. I am unable to miss the questioning looks from my Captain as he wonders why I have distanced myself from him again. I know he wonders why I am avoiding him, but he is patient and gives me the time to integrate my thoughts. I do not want him to reach a point where he regrets his decision to be my friend; I know I am a very difficult friend to have. The path one must walk between duty and friendship is extremely narrow. I must be able to make decisions based on my primary role, a Starfleet Officer. I must be able to discern the root of my motivations and I must be absolutely certain that my actions are consistent with my duty. Jim is human, impulsive, creative, and freely acknowledges emotional attachment. He has no difficulty stating that he could not leave me on Cerate because of his emotions. Such an admission would have caused me unimaginable shame as a Vulcan, yet it serves as nothing more than a footnote to a human. We are so different, he and I. I say that; I do not believe it. We have been given a new assignment. Starfleet wishes to give Jim additional time to recover, therefore we have been given something known as a milkrun. We are to ferry a group of Starfleet diplomats from one planet to another and deposit them safely before we head off into deep space again. I think this will be good for the entire ship, especially Jim, McCoy, and I. It seems we will need time to integrate the occurrences of the last few weeks. During this dictation I have come to a decision; I will invite Jim to my cabin to discuss my concerns regarding my objectivity. He has had many more years to deal with friendship than I have and perhaps he can give me insight on how one integrates friendship and command. I know he was able to do this with Gary Mitchell and I am told he often has been required to balance friendship and duty during his years in Starfleet. Yes, this is a good idea. I will ask Jim's advice on how best I might handle this dilemma in the future. He will treat my inquiry with respect and give me a thoughtful reply. I do not wish to categorically place Starfleet's needs before Jim's. Starfleet has been my career; Jim has been my friend. There is no comparative worth between the two and there are no criteria with which to judge their relative value to me. How does a Human juggle these divided loyalties? End log