Title: Spock's Logs 14 
Author: Istannor 
Series: TOS 
Part: 1/1 
Rating: [PG13] 
Codes: 
Summary: We give our thanks to Ambassador Spock's
estate for allowing us to view these records. It allows us an
unusual insight into the process by which the most famous
Command team in Starfleet history, became a team.

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom. They own them. I only check 'em out from the library.
I promise to bring 'em back.

Spock's Logs 14

Stardate:2040.4

I have found myself watching human interactions rather
intently, of late. Of late...strange, I would not have used such
an approximate phrase prior to my friendship with James
Kirk. It does not feel inexact. It details the existence of fact. Of
late...versus previous to, or before, or recently. Fascinating.
What other phrases have worked their way into my
consciousness? Heretofore; thank-you; I regret; I am sorry;
you are welcome; I care...all new to me and strangely
comforting on my lips. I care. I do care. These Humans have
become important to me.

I watch Uhura from the edge of my perception. I can not fail to
notice her grace and warmth of character. She smiles at me
often and encourages my conversation. I would have
discouraged her behavior before, but now I find that I do not
want to do so. I enjoy her voice and the music it makes in my
ears.

Dr. McCoy has almost ceased to be a constant source of
irritation. I have reached the point where I anticipate our
verbal sparing with relish. He has wit and it is stimulating to
see him sputter when he loses a point in our ongoing
argument. I anticipate we will never have a peaceful
relationship. It is possible we will be friends, however I know I
will never want to be with him as much as I desire the
company of Jim. McCoy has too many sharp edges and
angers simmering beneath the surface. It jangles my senses.
It is a decided disadvantage to be a telepath around some
people. McCoy is one of those people.

Mr. Scott has a wealth of engineering knowledge and is one
of the most brilliant individuals I have ever spoken with. His
interest is decidedly circumscribed, but within the world of
engineering, I have never met his equal.

Mr. Sulu has a gentle wit and a self deprecating style. In
some ways he reminds me of a Vulcan. I have often found
him to be a stimulating conversationalist.

I do not want to discuss James Kirk at this time. I have not yet
integrated my reaction to his recent injury. I did as he
requested. I admitted my anger towards McCoy and I
released it. I know in doing so, I forgave the Doctor. It is
uncomfortable to admit the need to forgive. This requires the
admission of disappointment and anger. I, as a Vulcan, have
been taught to not succumb to those emotions. I tried to
resist feeling these things, but I failed, yet again. After my
failure to control, I was admonished by a human to forgive.
This should not have been required. James Kirk should not
have been in better control of his emotions than I. What has
happened to my discipline, my control? I have watched Jim
closely and I know he honestly has forgiven McCoy, just as he
has forgiven me in the past. I now watch other Humans so
they may help me better understand and anticipate the
responses of my Captain and my crew.

My crew...I have always called them his crew, the crew, or my
Captain's crew. Now, I name them...my crew. Fascinating, I
have claimed possession of an entire crew. Therefore, I have
an obligation to them all. I must contemplate this in greater
detail. Jim has brought me to this new state of involvement.
My interaction with him is forcing a gradual metamorphosis. It
will be intriguing to learn who I will be at the end of this
journey. I already am more...the best and most descriptive
term would be comfortable. Yes, that is it; I am more
comfortable with myself. The process has been so insidious
that I only now realize what has taken place. I must surmise
that I have been manipulated into changing.

My Captain is incredibly subtle to have done this without my
full awareness. I, a Vulcan, have been out-maneuvered by a
Human, and I do not feel any chagrin. Heya, what other things
does my Captain have in store for me? I will need to become
more informed about Human behavior.

When did I first begin to monitor human behavior?

I began to watch Humans when I served with Captain Pike. I
was overwhelmed with responsibility and attempting to
familiarize myself with what was expected of me. Captain
Pike did not try to explain himself to me, ever, and I spent a
great deal of my time in the pursuit of understanding. I recall
myself as being exceedingly literal minded at that time, which
led to a great deal of misunderstanding. I did not
comprehend the nuances of human interaction, and I had no
reference for the interpretation of emotions in vocal
expression. I also had absolutely no appreciation of body
language. Jim has spent a great deal of time explaining
these things to me and I have found them to be exceptionally
useful tools.

I continued to watch Humans when James Kirk came aboard
the ship. At first it was with a newfound sense of detachment.
I was fascinated by how the crew reacted to him. I thought
myself to be immune to his charms. I was a fool. I was no
more immune to him than all the rest. I have learned to wait
on his word and follow his will. I have learned to eagerly await
his nod of satisfaction and to feel fulfilled when he lets me
know he is pleased with my labors on our behalf. This
satisfaction is not contrary to Vulcan beliefs, but it was not
something I had ever concerned myself with before. I never
sought the approval of another, not since Father denied me
and Mother allowed it.

It is pleasant to watch the Humans interact. They smile and
laugh so freely. Without shame or approbation. Yesterday, I
witnessed a lover's spat in the Officer's mess. Lt. Givens and
Lt. So, both from my department began to argue heatedly
with one another. I wondered if it was something I should
intervene in, but I did not understand the dynamics of their
disagreement. I was unsure if my intervention would be
welcome. They suddenly realized I was watching them and
their voices fell. Vulcan hearing meant they still were clearly
overheard. They argued over whether or not Lt. So was
spending sufficient time with Lt. Givens, or devoting too much
time in the lab and with his male friends. Lt. Givens desired
more attention.

Curious, is it not? I was unable to fathom what more she
could do with his attention? They worked together in the labs,
they ate together at most meals. I truly did not understand the
issue. I was actively pursuing this train of inquiry when she
told him what she desired from him. I stopped listening at that
time. Humans...they always seem to have their minds on
rutting.

I then saw what forgiveness meant in a sexual relationship.
Lt. So began to smile and he apologized for not paying
attention to her. His voice had risen to a loud enough pitch
that I was unable to block it out. He kissed her lightly on the
lips and asked her if she forgave him. She giggled...a most
unflattering sound, and answered of course she did. She said
it was impossible to not forgive him, because she loved him.

Does that mean that love is an integral part of forgiveness? If
so, does that mean that James Kirk loves Leonard McCoy
because he forgave McCoy? Fascinating. I am familiar with
the term agape love. It is non-judgmental love which has no
limits. Then there is Eros, or sensual love. Humans also
describe a love between a parent and a child, and platonic
love. They actually have 23 separate definitions of love
cataloged. Pre- reform Vulcans only had two definitions.
Love between those who were forbidden to each other, and
love between those who were not. Modern Vulcan has no
word for love. Our word for emotional attachment translates
to engulfment, the loss of self, the merging of souls. It is all we
know, or admit to knowing. All else is smoke and we deny it.
We do not love, or attach, with Eros, we do not attach with
agape, we do not attach platonically, and we do not attach
with any thing else but loss of self, or engulfment. It is the
blessing and the bane of a telepathic race.

This is what I have been taught and this is why we are
Bonded at such a young age. The Engulfment occurs without
choice and forces the loss of control, therefore it must occur
only between Bonded couples, if at all. Much pre-reform  and
even early post-reform literature has been written on it, but
we do not allow off-worlders to read it. The erotic content of
the stories would make a Human blush. The heart of Vulcan
is flame.

I have never been loved in this manner. I have never seen
love of this type. I am told my father loves my mother in this
fashion, but I saw no evidence of it. My aunts and uncles
tolerated each other, or so it seemed to me. Perhaps it is as
they said, when I join my Bondmate, T'Pring, I will understand.
I have been taught the soul of  a Vulcan is worn on the inside,
while the souls of  Humans are worn on their faces. Perhaps
Vulcans seem so distant to each other, even when Bonded,
because their conversation is internal. I would want this to be
so. I have begun to think of T'Pring a great deal. I hope she
and I will experience engulfment. I want to lose myself in her
and I want her to desire to do likewise with me. Unfortunately,
I have not had the slightest indication that T'Pring is
interested or capable of such a relationship. I do not want to
tolerate her. In this respect, I desire to wear my soul on my
face.

I spoke to Jim yesterday regarding how he balanced
friendship and duty. His answer was most curious. He said
he does not balance one against the other. He feels they are
one and the same. He said the ultimate duty is to do the
correct thing when called upon to act and to do the honorable
thing when the occasion arises. A true friend, in his mind, is
one who will assist him in the completion of that duty,
regardless of the personal cost to him, or the friend in
question. He fell silent for a 3.52 minutes and I thought he
was finished, but some part of me urged patience. He then
said a true friend is someone who will forgive. The last
sentence caused me...discomfort. He said a true friend is
someone who will fight him when the time comes and kill him
if necessary. After he said that, I lost my desire for chess and
we did not play last night. He seemed to understand.

I do not understand. Forgiveness, fighting, duty, honor, death.
Why does he not include feelings in his description of
friendship? I expected him to, and I am disconcerted that he
did not. I thought I understood him, but it is now patently
obvious that I do not. In many ways, he wears his soul on the
inside and allows his face to show us what he wants us to
see. I had thought his face was the reality, the gate to his
essence. I was wrong. He buries his soul deep within and
hides it even from me. I will continue to watch the crew
closely, and through them I may find the key to understanding
my Captain.

I do not desire a fight with Jim, and I certainly do not desire
his death.

We are 1.24 standard days from Starbase 9. The
Ambassador and their party are awaiting our arrival to
transport them to Jerich 3. It is suppose to be  a mission
without incident or adventure. I think the entire crew could
benefit from a small period of boredom. It would be
refreshing.

I am going to meet Jim in the gym. He requires a sparring
partner and when he is in his rehabilitative mode, he tends to
damage the Humans he spars with. He is unbelievably fast
for a Human and stronger than his size would suggest. When
he spars with me, he is not required to hold back.

I do not want our sparring to become a harbinger of things to
come.

END LOG 1

1