Title: Spock's Logs 17
Author: Istannor
Series: TOS
Part: 1/1
Rating: [PG13]
Codes: 
Summary: This log was dictated after the disastrous events
on Ekos. Those events permanently altered the way planetary
observers were trained and supervised.

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom. They own them. I only check 'em out from the
library. I promise to bring 'em back.

Spock's Logs 17


Stardate 2660.1:

I began dictating these logs to pursue a deeper
understanding of myself.  I reviewed them all today and I'm
satisfied with the growth I have demonstrated to date. I
have obviously had periods where my logic did not suffice.
The verbalization of my issues has resulted in a paradigm
shift in my thought processes.

While I do not require emotional outbursts, emotional
attachments, or random pursuits of illogical forms of
entertainment, humans do.  To deny that truth would be
irrational.  To condemn them for harboring those needs would
be unconscionable.  Therefore, I accept that for humans,
emotions do serve a useful purpose and should remain.

I'm Vulcan by orientation, education, and preference.  I do
not require any emotional attachments, random pursuits of
illogical forms of entertainment, or emotional outbursts.  I
require the purity of logic, the clarity of rational
thinking and the respect, not emotional attachment, of my
Captain and crew. I have these things, therefore, I am
successful in my chosen lifestyle.

Now, I must decide where my relationship with my Captain
fits within the context of my chosen lifestyle.

Herein lies the difficulty.

I can see no logic behind my attachment to him.  I have lost
my ability to dispassionately view anything that threatens
his well-being.  I must surmise that some things must remain
outside of logic.  It does not lessen my other achievements,
but it is curious.  I no longer am willing to consider
renouncing my attachment to James Kirk, logical or not.

I say this to begin my discussion of the occurrences
surrounding Professor John Gill and his subsequent death.
He was shot as he gave a speech denouncing his second in
command.  The official cause of death would read: death due
to gunshot wounds.  That would not be entirely true.  My
Captain had already assured Professor Gill's death, before
the bullet ever tore into Gill's flesh.

I must digress to express my reaction to seeing a Nazi
regime in action. It was intellectually and philosophically
abhorrent to me. The concept of a super-race and planned
genocide is anathema to the Vulcan way. I cannot conceive of
the horrors seen and experienced by those who lived under
that regime during the twentieth century. There is no logic
and no rationale to racism. I have been subjected to milder
forms of that disease and I would not wish it upon anyone. I
am...grateful that I have found a place on the Enterprise.
Jim would never countenance any trace of racism on board
this vessel. In the final analysis, it is always the choice
of each person to say no to such idiocy. I serve a man who
has and will always say no to that type of thinking.

He is indeed a man of many faces. How have I become so
attached to such a man?

Jim and I discussed our experiences on Ekos.  He told me how
he regretted my beating at the hands of the Ekosians.
Strange, he stood at my side and was whipped the same number
of times that I was.  He did not mention his own beating.
It was as if it did not occur.  Does that mean he did not
regret his own beating? He mentioned his beating briefly
when he bent his bloody back to allow me to use it as a
ladder, and then it was to exhort me to move quickly. He did
not mention it until McCoy noted the lines of blood seeping
through his shirt when we returned to the ship.  His comment
was: "I'm okay".

"I'm okay."  I do not think it means the same thing from Jim
that it means in common usage for other humans.  I'm okay
usually signifies almost optimum physical or emotional
health.  When Jim says it, it merely signifies: "I am still
breathing; it will get better."

Having now learned to insert this new interpretation, I
pursued my Captain down to our next planetfall to speak with
him.

He had said: "I'm okay.",  quite a few times this past week
while it was patently obvious that he was not.  He had
become emotionally withdrawn from both McCoy and myself.  He
did not joke with Uhura or Scotty. He did not laugh at
Sulu's inane puns.  He did not invite me to his cabin for
Chess. He did not work out in the gym with me.  He slept in
the ship's tunnels three nights in a row.  I know, because I
found him asleep in the heart of the ship on those late
evenings. Twice, it was obvious he was having nightmares. I
chose to awake him from those and led him back to his cabin.
The third time, he slept peacefully and I let him rest.

It was no great intellectual leap for me to deduce that
something I was unaware of had transpired on Ekos.  Today,
when I reached the planet's surface, I saw my Captain
sitting on a hill looking out over the giant herds of
herbivores that milled below our vantage point.

The planet in question has no intelligent life forms, but
does possess an intricate ecosystem that would support
colonization by humanoid life forms.  Our away teams were
extremely busy collecting samples and mapping the planetary
surface.  Our crew operates efficiently and with a minimal
need for supervision  in situations such as these.  It is
during these times that the ship's Captain can relax,
slightly.

It was obvious by Jim's posture that he was not relaxed.  I
went to sit beside him.  Admittedly, he did not initially
make me welcome, but neither did he bid me to leave.
Eventually, we spoke of many things; some of which I will
not reveal on this log.  I will reveal one important
disclosure; Jim killed Professor Gill.  The statement sounds
harsh to my ears, but it is true.

Gill had been drugged senseless, and McCoy had beamed down
to assist us in reviving him.  Once again, McCoy refused to
do what my Captain requested of him.  McCoy would not
administer any further stimulant to Gill, out of fear for
the man's life.  Jim demanded he do so out of concern for
the lives of the millions living on two worlds.  I have not
yet decided if McCoy's refusal was a sign of weakness, or a
sign of strength.  He did refuse.

We were caught by the Ekosians while still in the room with
Professor Gill.  Jim immediately dissembled, which allowed
us to leave, but left him in a locked room with the still
unconscious Professor Gill.

I was slightly concerned with Jim's particular choice of
misdirection.  He revealed me to the guard as an enemy and
sent me out with them, along with McCoy and our Zeon and
Ekosian accomplices. How would he have felt if they had
summarily executed me?  I am thankful that he will never
know the answer to that query.


As soon as we departed, Jim injected the entire contents of
the hypo into Professor Gill.  He revealed this to me today.
It does explain his recent behavior. He has been dealing
with his willful murder of his respected mentor. It was only
a matter of time before that injection would have resulted
in Gill's death.  Gill lasted long enough to be shot by the
one who had betrayed him, Melakon. I watched as Melakon
turned his weapon on the window that separated us from Gill.
He fired until he was shot by one of Nazi's who had
repeatedly assisted us. We were then freed. We had only
recently learned that our savior was part of the underground
resistance to the Nazi regime.

I know I experienced momentary discomfort when I recognized
Jim's form flash in front of the shattered window. He,
illogically, attempted to save Gill from the bullets. There
was no purpose to Jim's attempt; Gill would have been
executed when we returned to Federation justice. On a
certain level, I believe it is instinctual for my captain to
attempt to rescue endangered persons. I believe it is an
even deeper drive than his instinct to make almost any
personal sacrifice to achieve his goal. I believe that I
will also be sacrificed for his goals one day. Will he
regret the sacrifice, or only see it as  an act of necessity
which he mourns for a week or so and then moves on with his
life?

I do not think I would cope as well with his loss. Vulcan
memory can become a double-edged sword. There are some
things it would be wise to forget. We do not deal well with
the loss of those who are close to us. We are never able to
rid ourselves of their presence in our everyday cogitation.
Our ghosts do not fade with time. Their colors and their
voices remain vibrant. I do believe that Jim would haunt me.

This line of thought is leading to nowhere. I must return to
my original discourse.

Vulcans are taught: "The needs of the many outweigh the
needs of the few."

Based on that precept, Jim's action was logical.  Vulcans
are also taught that there is always an alternative to
murder.  Jim clearly violated that precept.  He will kill if
it is expedient to do so.  He has proven that time and time
again.

While we were down on the planet's surface today, Jim said
he had truly admired Professor Gill.  In fact, the Professor
had been a mentor and hero to a young James Kirk.  That
hero, that mentor, is dead at the hands of the man who
admired him.

Who is this man I have pledged myself to?  Why can I not
generate any personal censure for his deed?

I will answer my own query.  His act was needed.  It was the
correct thing to do. Yet, it was clearly against the
teachings of Vulcan.  I must conclude that what I have been
taught is now in direct conflict with what I believe.

My Captain murdered a man and it was the "right" thing to
do.

I will meditate on this.  Perhaps I've missed some important
concept and it leads me to the wrong conclusion.  If so,
I'll amend this log.  If not, it will stand as I have
dictated it

Pause Log

Start Log

I have meditated.  It stands unchanged.  

END LOG