Title: Spock's Logs 18
Author: Istannor
Series: TOS
Part: 1/1
Rating: [PG13]
Codes:
Summary: We give our thanks to Ambassador Spock's estate for
allowing us to view these records. It allows us an unusual
insight into the process by which the most famous Command
team in Starfleet history, became a team.

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom. They own them. I only check 'em out from the
library. I promise to bring 'em back.

Spock's Logs 18


Stardate:


I have had 72.3 hours to assimilate the information I
received  from my captain. As  I have noted in the previous
log, we discussed several issues, not the least of which was
the death of  Professor John Gill. Jim has seemed more
accepting of this decision since our conversation.  I am
gratified that our interaction was a cause for increased
emotional peace for my captain.

I have found my role as first officer to be an expanding
one. There was nothing in my Academy training to prepare me
for being the one to offer solace to a human, and my
superior.  There also was nothing in my previous position as
science officer the Captain Pike to prepare me for my
current role.

I did not choose Command School, as I never have had a
desire to command a vessel.  It is not a duty that fits my
personality.  I am, by nature, a person who does not share
my views, my emotions, or myself.  I have always known this
to be true.  It is not a state that all Vulcans experiences.
In this, I am true to myself.  Solitude has been comforting
to me.  In my solitude, there were no expectations and no
approbations.  I was content to be who I was and I did not
seek to change that status .

Strange, is it not, how change occurs whether intentional or
not? Jim has not asked me to change.  He has done several
things to force my understanding of him, as well as the
other members of the crew.  This was for my benefit.  I
accept that now.  I have a deeper understanding of what it
means to be a human.  By default, I also have a deeper
understanding of what it means to be a Vulcan.

I now acknowledge that starting during my tenure with
Captain Christopher Pike, I have pursued my Vulcan self with
an absolute blindness to my human self.  In the process, I
was battling my truest nature.  I am human and I am Vulcan.
Having admitted this intellectually for my entire life, it
is another thing altogether to admit it emotionally.  I have
a duality of heritage and drives.  It seems I have failed to
fully integrate myself, as of yet.

That shall be my new goal.

As a child, my mother would say this phrase to me and I gave
it a meeting.  I erred.  The phrase was: "Honor thy mother
and thy father. " My interpretation of that phrase was; obey
and respect the wishes of both of your parents.  What a fool
I have been.  What Mother meant was: remember to honor your
separate inheritances.  My father was adamant that I live
and breathe as a Vulcan.  He wished me to be a tribute to
the house of Surak.  When other Vulcans stumbled, I could
not slow.  When my classmates paused, I was required to
advance relentlessly.  I had memorized all of Surak's tenets
by age 6.  I had started physics at age 8.  I could
disassemble my computer and rebuild it at age 9.  I was able
to not cry, even when my Sehlat died and I buried it by
myself at age 10.  I was able to tolerate T'Pring's refusal
to emotionally share with me through our betrothal Link, and
I have survived.

While I served with Christopher Pike, I began to enjoy a
much higher degree of contentment with my choice for a
profession.  However, I began to question my rampant
emotionalism and I found myself retreating behind Vulcan
taught barriers as the years went by. It was more pronounced
after Number One was killed. I could not tolerate being
close to Captain Pike. He radiated agony and loss. One must
assume that he loved Number One and he never fully recovered
from her death.

He considered me to be an excellent science officer and I,
in turn, thought of him as an excellent captain.  I have not
changed my perception of him, I simply have more information
with which to judge his relative merits.

Christopher Pike was a man who also maintained his distance
from others.  He needed nor solicited confidences.  He was a
useful model for me at that point in my development.  He was
brave, strong, quite intelligent, and an highly competent
commander.  He was also ... distant and as unapproachable as
I was with him.  This was comfortable to me and I was
grateful that he maintained his distance and he allowed me
to maintain mine. I honor him for his acceptance of my
Infinite Diversity.

His relationship with No. One was close.  I did not learn
until later how close they were.  It was not until her death
that it became obvious that she was the only one he ever
allowed past all of his barriers.  They were not lovers.
Number One had no desire for men, but they were intimate in
all other ways. I believe he died with her, because he was
never the same after her death.  How ironic.  She and he
were to serve together at Starbase 10  at the end of the
mission.  She told me once, as we watched him against a
backdrop of the world spanning ocean, that she feared he
would not survive the loss of the ship.  They had learned to
anticipate each other in a seamless fashion.  She turned to
me and gifted me with an insight I shall never forget.

"Spock, once in a lifetime, if you are fortunate, you will
meet someone who knows your soul and you will know theirs.
Don't ever be afraid of that person.  Don't ever give up on
them and don't ever leave them."

She did not leave him willingly.  She fought to the very end
and I am not sure why I am remembering this occasion at this
point.  It has taken me  8 years to understand the humor in
her name.  She was only called her given name in public.
Her Official records assign her the name of the Alpha Beta
6723 Delta.  She was born to in crib No. 1810 Omega Nu
Epsilon in her crèche.  LoRab was the precise name she was
given as her unique identifier.  Omega Nu Epsilon. . .was
Number One crèche for short. Pike called her Number One
because she was in his First Officer, his best friend, the
First clone in Starfleet, and the First  clone in her crèche
line.  Admittedly, she was absolutely brilliant, even by
Vulcan standards.  Pike surrounded himself with
scientifically capable minds.

In this, he and Jim are much the same.  On Pike's ship, all
of us were scientists, none of us were ... warriors.  We
were not people who sought or enjoyed conflict.  Neither was
Pike.  Jim ... Jim is different.  He has the heart of
warrior.  He wanted Gary with him to have a fighter on his
Command team.  He is left with me.  I have never enjoyed
battle.  My blood does not sing.  My heart does not race
when danger threatens.  My senses do not sharpen.  I fight
to survive.

That was before.  Now, I still do not enjoy a battle, but I
wish to win instead of desiring not to lose.  The difference
is seemingly mild semantically, but significant,
conceptually.  Jim winning means Jim lives.  Jim winning
gives Jim deep satisfaction.  He radiates personal power,
assurance, and invincibility when he goes into battle.  I
sense it even as a touch telepath.  The crew reacts to it,
whether they sense it consciously or not.  They are
motivated by his conviction and by his desire to win.  It is
fascinating to watch his personal charisma affect the crew.
They walk more briskly, stand straighter, and are more
decisive in his presence.

I do not radiate this type of power and I do not possess
this form of charisma.  I am not nor can I describe myself
as a leader.  I am a scientist and a second in command.

Jim is a leader.  Jim flights to win.

I wonder how he will cope with a loss when he finally does
lose, as the law of averages dictate.  That is something I
would prefer to not see, and an experience that I would
prefer to not have.  Not all knowledge is worth achieving.


End Log