Title: Spock's Logs 2
Author: Istannor
Series: TOS
Part: 1
Rating: PG. 13
Codes: Discussion of Rape
Summary:  This is set after the mission  The Enemy Within.
It is the true events . We are grateful to the Estate of
Ambassador Spock, for releasing these personal records for
public consumption. It has offered us an entirely new
insight into the period of the Federation that defined and
determined its future direction.

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom, they own them I only check 'em out from the library.
I promise to bring 'em back.


Spock's Logs 2

[Stardate 1680.1]

It is disconcerting to think how recent events have
solidified a new concept for me. I am in total acceptance of
a new thought paradigm. I am attached, emotionally, to my
Captain. I experience difficulty with the clarity of my
thoughts when he is in pain. The form his pain takes is
unimportant, all that is required for me to experience
discomfort, is for me to know he has pain. I feel fear when
he is in danger. I am concerned for his welfare beyond my
purview as First Officer of this ship. I actively desire to
protect my Captain from danger or emotional distress.

Does this constitute friendship? What does constitute
friendship? How does a full Vulcan express that form of
personal interaction?  I do not know the answer, as I never
have had a friend before. I certainly have never had a full
Vulcan be my friend before, or close to me in any fashion.
One must not include my father, or my cousins in the
equation, by definition. To be accurate, I have had humans
approach me before and offer me a semblance of human
friendship. Those offers I rejected. It seemed illogical to
enter into an emotion based relationship, therefore I
refused to do so. I can not say that I have voluntarily
entered into a friendship with my Captain, even now. There
is nothing voluntary about this arrangement. I find that I
am drawn to him, regardless of my intentions to do just the
opposite. I am in the midst of  a conceptual conundrum.

Recent events have served to enlighten me on the deeper
nature of my Captain's persona. He is a man of extremes. He
is extremely brilliant, extremely decisive, and prone to
extreme solutions. There has been no evidence from him, of
a desire for half-measures. There has been no evidence that
he will, or can lose and survive the event. He craves total
victory. It concerns me that he may actually let nothing stop
him to achieve his goal. I have not been able to ascertain
what his limits are. I said nothing when he killed the Orion
Captain. It was an especially inventive, but deadly form of
negotiation. It was also uniquely effective. I stand behind him,
as we fight and destroy Klingon, Romulan, Orion, and
unknown pirate ships. I have never seen him hesitate, until
recently.

The events pertaining to the transporter malfunction have
been recorded elsewhere. I will not repeat them. The man
that was revealed to me, in his separate parts, was
fascinating. Imagine if you will, the opportunity to dissect the
personality and drives of one person, and see them made
flesh. I had that opportunity. My Captain was separated into
two components, housing separate aspects of his
personality. Each had his face and his memories. I watched
the man who remained in command. He was brilliant,
thoughtful, intuitive, and kind, and he disintegrated in front of
my eyes. He was almost incapacitated by the need to do
what the Captain routinely does an average of 22.54 times a
day, decide. I admit to using the opportunity to study James
Kirk closely, but there are still aspects of him that remain
hidden. I have caused him distress, because of my actions,
and my blindness.

I freely admit, I erred in judgement. I discounted the feelings
and experiences of Yeoman Rand. I was interested in what
reaction she had to being actively pursued by the man she
obviously had passively desired for some time. I asked her if
she thought the wolf had some intriguing qualities. My
Captain is incensed with me, and rightfully so. He asked me
into his cabin. When I entered, he inquired if I had indeed
asked Yeoman Rand that question. I responded in the
affirmative. "Spock, tell me what you think is attractive about
rape?" I told him, "The opportunity to have intercourse with a
person you had pursued could logically be seen as allowing
you to attain your specified goal." He stared at me, and I
became uncomfortable. I saw no flaw in my thinking, yet he
obviously was radiating anger and disgust. The sensations
were so strong, they caused me to strengthen my shields. I
did not wish him to be either angry or disgusted with me.

He walked up and stood 25 centimeters away from me. He
invaded my personal space. He does that often, but this was
completely different. I moved to step away, and he ordered
me to stand still. He looked up into my face and suddenly I
could feel him radiating danger and hostility. "You think it
satisfies a goal to be raped? Let's see what goal it satisfies
for you, Mr. Spock. Did you know she was frightened?" His
eyes became feral, and I moved to step away. He ordered
me to stand again. " Did you know that she had trusted me,
and I was about to violate that trust?" He started to reach his
hands out to touch me. I did not wish to be touched by him,
with his thoughts so full of self-hate, hostility, and anger. His
voice was a bare whisper. "I had power she did not have and
I was going to use it on her. I was going to tear her clothes
off, throw her onto a bed, and brutalize her. Do you want to
feel my emotions about what I was going to do to her?
Perhaps you can get some fascinating information out of
feeling the thoughts of a rapist. Let me share them with you ,
Mr. Spock." He leaned forward, slightly. I fought the desire to
leave.

"Captain, you must stop this, you are not yourself." I
attempted to reason with him. I could feel the heat of the
tension blazing from his body. I could smell him. He smelled
of soap, cinnamon, and trees. I could smell his male musk,
broadcasting lust. I have no idea how he was able to do this.

"No, I'm not, but I wasn't myself then either was I? Does this
part of me make you feel comfortable? Does this part of me
draw you in, Mr. Spock? Am I intriguing to you now?" He
reached his hand towards my face, and I knew he was going
to make me feel his thoughts, his rawest emotions. I am far
stronger than he, and faster, but I was rooted to the spot. I
could not move. He had ordered my obedience and my
obedience was going to result in my mental violation. I felt
...fear and confusion. I did not understand how he could do
this to me. I thought we understood each other. I had even
begun to imagine we were friends. He became like all the
rest then, only offering rejection and pain. I closed my eyes so
I would not have to witness my own degradation. Strange, I
was willing to remain still and absorb the punishment. Anyone
else, I may have thrown aside, or rendered unconscious. His
call was too strong. I waited and nothing happened. When I
realized I was not going to be touched, I opened my eyes and
looked into his. His pupils were fully dilated, they were
windows to his anguish.

"There is nothing intriguing about rape, or the rapist. Can you
see that now?" I nodded mutely." Dismissed, Mr. Spock." I,
paradoxically, no longer wished to depart. I understood fully
what he had meant to communicate to me, a touch telepath.
He had framed my lesson in terms I completely understood.
What I also understood was what it had cost him to teach me
that particular lesson. He now radiated nothing but pain and
regret that he had hurt me. I am, as I said, a touch telepath,
yet I can sense him across a room. As close as we were, I
felt his mind reaching out to me, begging me to understand
why he had done what he had done. I did, and I do. I am
awed that he would force himself to relive his pain and his
degradation,  for me.

He turned to walk away. I called to him. "Jim?" When he
turned back, the mask of command was fully in place. He did
not answer, only waited for me to proceed. "Apologies are
illogical, but sometimes they are all that will suffice. I will go
and apologize to Yeoman Rand." He nodded. "I tender my
apologies to you also, and I wish you to know I will never
make a similar error again." He nodded again. I desired to
see a lessening of his tension, perhaps a smile. I saw
neither. I left and he watched me go, in silence.

Now, I sit here and I realize I continue to do my Captain a
disservice. I could have told him why Vulcans have a poor
concept of rape, as Humans know it. We, by this I mean all
Vulcan men, are potential rapists, during our time. We may
not speak of it to an offworlder, so my Captain will never
know, or fully understand. When the Plak Tow is upon a
Vulcan male, he will force his sexual attentions on anyone:
male, female, cousin, or friend. It is that drive which is our
Achilles heel. James Kirk must never know of it. The
knowledge would disgust him, as it does me. I hang,
suspended above a precipice, hoping that my human blood
will spare me this final fall from grace. Unfortunately, my first
Pon Farr will also mark my full adult stage of sexual maturity. I
will be drawn to return to Vulcan, to T'Pring, she who is to be
my wife. She, who is disgusted by her betrothal to a half-
breed. I will, in essence, rape T'Pring at that time, because
there is no doubt in my mind that she does not desire me. No
Vulcan male is considered at fault when he burns. No female,
or male who is attacked, is considered defiled. Some
Vulcans actively pursue unbonded men in Pon Farr to service
them, though few speak of this openly. Vulcan women are
trained to control the male during the time, so that both may
survive and Vulcan males are trained to submit to a male in
Pon Farr, and then control the flames, so they both may
survive. It is our ugly secret. For all our vaunted intellect and
logic, we are in truth, a race of rapists.

I have apologized to Yeoman Rand. I informed Dr. McCoy
that I had done do. My Captain has retreated to his cabin in
silence. His command performance is without flaw, yet the
crew misses the warmth that comes from him and includes
us all. The crew misses his jokes and his gentle teasing. I am
a Vulcan. These are things I can exist without. I am only
concerned for the welfare of the ship's compliment, and its
Captain. He is not playing Chess either. I will leave the board
up in the Rec room with an intriguing opening gambit on it. It
may interest him enough to play a game.

They are calling me from the lab. I will end this now.

End Log