Title: Spock's Logs 3 
Author:Istannor 
Series: TOS 
Part:1/1 
Rating: [PG. 13] 
Codes: 
Summary:  This is set after the
mission to the Khoi. We give our thanks to Ambassador
Spock's estate for allowing us to view these records.
Unfortunately this was totally dictated in Vulcan. Some
words do not translate well to standard. We apologize for
any inconvenience you may experience secondary to the
need
to read the translations, which follow the phrases in
parentheses.

Disclaimer: These are the characters of Paramount and
Viacom. They own them. I only check 'em out from the
library. I promise to bring 'em back.



Spock's Logs 3

[Stardate 1690] 

The first level of meditation requires the gradual loosening of
muscle tensions, to allow relaxation and improve blood flow
to all extremities and internal organs.

The second level of Meditation requires the blanking of the
mind. All thoughts must be let go, all words must be silenced.

The third level of Meditation requires the lowering of the
basal metabolic rate and the attendant withdrawal from the
all.

The fourth level of Meditation is c'thia ("logic', reality truth, the
way things are), which is fleeting.

The fifth level of meditation is the abandonment of biological
requirements.

The sixth level of Meditation is vision, to achieve arivne
(denotes a state of unity between matter energy and
thought ). 

The seventh level of meditation requires the extension of the
senses beyond self to become one with the eternal
consciousness, a'Tha (direct experience of the being or force
responsible for the creation and maintenance of the
universe.).

The eight, the most desirable, is acceptance. With
acceptance all is possible. I desire acceptance.

I accept that I am alarmed by my reaction to the incidents
surrounding the rescue of the Khoi from slavery and abuse.
Most specifically I am concerned that my response to my
Captain's injuries was inappropriate. I did not react logically
when I found him. I did not act logically when I rushed to find
him. My Captain was covered in blood when I found him. It
oozed from his chest and his arm. It pumped with alacrity
from his thigh. It ran down over the dead man he lay across
and pooled on the floor. It filled my vision and blinded me. It
was all I saw. He turned weakly to me, with his eyes closed
against the pain and the blood loss. He whispered my name,
smiled, and went gently into unconsciousness.

How did he know I was there? I had no words to speak to
him. I said nothing to him until after he was unconscious. I did
not trust my voice. If this is what having a friend is like, I
believe I do not wish to have a friend. I do not see the logic in
having my autonomic system respond in  reaction to his pain.
I do not see the logic in being unable to think logically, until I
have ascertained whether or not he will survive. I see no logic
in friendship at all. I have not attained even the fifth level of
meditation in the last five days, secondary to this issue.

He prevents me from attaining arie'mnu (the mastery of
passion and emotion). There is no lialara (harmony). There is
no mastery possible where he is concerned.

I was unable to look elsewhere when he spoke to the Khoi.
He was eloquent as he spoke of the other truths of the
Federation, and emphasized what a sick individual
Kleinschmidt had been. I could see that Kleinschmidt's death
did serve to free the Khoi from the pain he had inflicted on
them. I could also note that James Kirk's words began their
true healing. He truly believes in the goodness of what we do,
even when he at times is more savage than I could believe
possible. It is a puzzling dichotomy, that all those extremes
could exist in one human being. The man that rubbed his
groin and lied to Kleinschmidt, is the same man that bowed
to an old woman on a world that does not know who he is,
and what that bow, in truth, means. I have never seen my
Captain bow to anyone. At most, he will incline his head a
mere 15 degrees to serve protocol requirements.

I have noted that I have several areas where my
understanding of my Captain has improved. I now can
discern when he is lying, 75.6% of the time. I seek to improve
that percentage. I do not think I will ever reach 100%, as he is
very experienced and  proficient at lying. I have added
another skill. I now know when he is planning to kill. I could tell
from his voice on the planet's surface, filtered through the
vidcam, that he had resolved to kill Heinrich Kleinschmidt. It
was his voice that gave him away. My Captain's voice lost all
inflection. He did not pause with his words, and his voice
became soft.  He does these things when he has decided to
perpetrate extreme violence against another. It is as if he
martials so much of his energy to complete the task of killing,
that there is not sufficient energy left for his voice. I inquired
why he decided to go into the lodge with the men we were
pledged to capture and execute. I confess to a certain
amount of curiosity on the issue of how truthfully he  would
respond. I  knew he had decided to kill the man before he
went into the compound. The question was, would he tell me
the truth regarding his decision. He did. I am reassured that
he would do so.

I have reached acceptance on the need to execute the
prisoners we took to the Starbase for trial. I also understand
that some captain's would have had their own security squad
execute the men on the spot, and send the recorded episode
to Starfleet. Kirk spared his crew that responsibility. Their
hands remain unsullied by deliberate death, or death that
does not come as a direct result of self preservation. Sarek,
he who is my Father, feared that my presence among
humans would require me to participate in killing outside of
the restriction of self-defense. He was appropriately
concerned. I wanted to kill Kleinschmidt, and all that
prevented me from doing so, was that Jim had already
accomplished that goal.

I have been contaminated by fear and rage. This is
unacceptable.

I will pursue vision on this issue. I know that shame is not the
correct feeling to have when I acknowledge the friendship I
feel for my captain, yet I am ashamed. This friendship causes
me to distance myself from all that I value in being a Vulcan.
This friendship challenges all that I have trained myself to do.
I should withdraw, and distance myself from him. I can not
allow him to tear down the edifice that I have so carefully
constructed with my consciousness and my life. I must be
Vulcan, and that does not allow for friendship. I will stand and
remain unchanged by his advances. He may seek friendship
elsewhere. Many would gladly embrace his friendship, if he
would allow it. Perhaps he should seek out McCoy. I think that
relationship would be far more logical for them both.

When I carried him from the lodge, my mind flashed to him
dancing in the recreation room with Lieutenant Uhura. I could
see him as he was then, relaxed and content. I remembered
the look on his face as he smiled while I played. I saw him on
the bridge standing like the predator that he is, celebrating
one of the many triumphs he has engineered. I know that my
participation in the festivities gave him pleasure. I saw the
smile he gives me when he approves of an action I have
taken. All these thoughts and sights were in my mind as I
carried him, bleeding and unresponsive, from the lodge
where he had slain our enemy.

I have lived 36.52 standard years without the need for
friendship. I have survived admirably without being
dependent on anyone for emotional interaction. I am intellect
and resolve. I do not require an illogical emotional attachment
to a human who is far too brilliant and far too unstable for his
own good. He is foolish to the point of irresponsibility. He
thinks nothing of his own safety and throws his life onto
flaming pyres to snuff out the conflagration. I will not attach
myself to such as he. I am Vulcan, a descendant of Surak,
betrothed to T'Pring, she of honorable lineage.

I am in pursuit of knowledge and enlightenment. I seek arivne
( the unity between matter, energy, and thought). He has
caused me to rediscover pain. I thought to leave that behind
years ago, when I left Vulcan and rejection.  I will wait for an
opportune time to inform him of my decision. He should know
that I can not, and will not, be what he desires me to be. He
can cease his battering at my walls; they will stand.

End Log